Unspeakable Truths Read online

  “I’m a hypocrite, I already know that, but I’m doing this because I love him.”

  “Or maybe you’re doing this because you’d rather lose him on your own terms than lose him in a cruel twist of fate. This way you can manage the hurt and contain the pain.”

  Her words sting—they hit home in a way that nothing ever has before. God, she’s right, this is the only way I could lose him and control it, control how it went down, how I dealt with it afterward. I really am fucked-up but what’s done is done and now I need to own it. “It’s over now, it doesn’t really matter.”

  “Ev.”

  “Can I stay with you for a while?” I ask, needing to change the subject. I can’t talk about this one more minute.

  “Umm, yes, of course you know that. Why though?”

  I give her a bright smile. It’s fake, but it’s all I have to give right now. “I have an offer on the house. I’m accepting it, and I really need to start over. I need to leave the past behind and that house is one of the things I’m saying goodbye to. I have all of my things boxed up and ready to go.”

  “The spare bedroom is all set up Ev, you can have your clothes brought here and you can stay as long as you need.”

  “Just until I find an apartment okay?”

  She nods her acceptance. “What about work? You have to see him on Monday.”

  “I handed in my resignation today. I waited for Luca to leave and handed it to my supervisor. I apologized for not giving notice, he asked me to stay, but when he saw how determined I was he accepted it. All in all I think he took it okay.”

  I watch the worry pass through her features. She’s such a good friend, I’m lucky I didn’t lose her with how badly I treated her over the last four years. “What are you going to do for money?”

  “I have some money saved up for now, and with the sale of the house, I’ll be okay until I figure out what I want to do. I’ll pay you for the room.”

  “No you won’t, it’ll be nice to have someone around here for a little while; living alone can be lonely.”

  I sigh, giving her a sad smile. “I know the feeling.”

  “You don’t have to be alone Ev.” She grabs hold of my hand and gives it a squeeze.

  I nod, suddenly feeling overcome with exhaustion. The emotions of the day are weighing down on me so heavily and all I really want to do is sleep it away. “Would you mind if I just call it a night?”

  “No.”

  “I’ll just go get my stuff out of the car and grab a shower first.”

  “Take your shower,” she says coming to her feet. “I’ll get your bag for you.”

  “Thanks Morgan.”

  “Anytime babe.”

  I stay in the shower for a long time, reliving the events of the past few hours and letting the hot stream of water wash over me. It is scalding my skin, helping me to remember that I’m alive. I’m alive, this isn’t the end for me—I don’t have to go back to being that sad, lonely girl just because Luca is lost to me now. I can still find ways to be happy. I can be alone and lead a good life. Maybe I’ll go back to school, get the law degree like I planned in the first place. I can keep the important people to me close, like Morgan and my parents. I’ve always loved to travel, and I haven’t done that in years. I can take a trip, maybe go to London, I’ve always wanted to do that. This doesn’t have to be that bad; I can do all of those things. Happiness isn’t something that should be wrapped up in one person. So maybe I’ll never have happiness in love, maybe I’ll never have that kind of happily ever after, but I can still live happily on my own terms.

  I rifle through my bag, which Morgan slipped into the bathroom during my shower and pull out some comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt. Luca’s t-shirt, one of the many he’s left lying around my place over the last few months. I can’t help but to wonder what he’s doing right now, how he’s doing. How he’s handling our confrontation earlier, is he as devastated as I am? I hate that I hurt him; the look on his face will haunt me forever. He let me into his life so willingly, so openly giving me everything that was him, and I acted like it meant nothing to me, when really it meant everything. His love is everything to me, and I treated it like it was useless, like it hadn’t changed me for the better. By the time I finally crawl into bed, my body has given out on me, my brain is fried, and I’m grateful that I’m able to fall asleep easily.

  ~Luca~

  I had the weekend from hell. Everly coming to me to break things off claiming that she didn’t love me knocked me on my ass. I was not expecting her to do that, she seemed happy, I know she was happy. Something had to have happened to make her have such a change of heart, but I don’t know what, she gave me nothing. At first I thought Michael had something to do with it, but that would ruin his relationship with Everly, and he wouldn’t do that. It took every ounce of control I had to let her walk out of my apartment, I think I gave it a whole fifteen minutes before I got in my car and went looking for her. I ended up at her house but she wasn’t there, which means she’s either at her parents’ house or Morgan’s place. I decided against going to look for her, she made her choice and I decided to give her some space. That decision nearly killed me and ultimately led to me drinking myself into a stupor for the rest of the weekend. I told myself I’d never let myself feel this way again for her, let her hurt me this way. I can’t blame her for the past, she didn’t know how I’d felt about her all those years ago, but she knows now. She knows, and she still screwed me over.

  I chug the rest of my coffee, willing the remnants of my hangover away and rise from my chair, grabbing my notepad and pen before I make my way into the conference room for yet another Monday morning meeting. The thought of seeing her is both nerve wracking and exciting to me. I’m nothing but a glutton for punishment. I can’t help but hope that she’s changed her mind, that she’ll smile up at me and let me know that everything is okay between us. When I walk in the door and take a look around, she’s nowhere to be found. Maybe she called out today so that she wouldn’t have to face me. I wouldn’t put that past her, she’s done it before. Maybe this has affected her after all.

  It doesn’t take long for old Mr. Harvey to call for attention. “I called this meeting because we’re going to have to figure out a way to redistribute some of the workload for now. As of today Everly West is no longer with the firm.”

  I drop my pen on the table and look up, likely unable to hide the shock on my face. She fucking quit her job so that she wouldn’t have to deal with me. I guess I shouldn’t be floored, but I am, I’m stunned silent. Everly West just never ceases to shock the shit out of me.

  If this is what she wants then so be it. Let her live her life however she sees fit, if that means she remains alone forever then fine, that’s her choice. If she ends up moving on with someone else, I’m sure it will sting but eventually I’ll get over it. I have a life to lead and clearly Everly doesn’t want to be a part of that. I’m not about to beg. I tried to show her a different way, God only knows I tried to give her more but when push comes to shove it always goes back to Tyler for her. I thought I’d broken through the walls, but I was just a distraction to her, a way to forget for a little while, not really who she wanted at all.

  ~Everly~

  I had all of the contents of my house moved into a storage unit in town a few days ago. The majority of Tyler’s things, which Luca packed up before I broke up with him, went to Goodwill, except for a few things that I had boxed up and sent to his parents. I kept some of his favorite books for myself because letting go doesn’t mean having to forget. It’s been almost a month since I last saw Luca. I thought that it would get easier with time, not having him around, but I was mistaken. It’s just as hard today as it was that first day, that first night without him. I closed on the house last week and made a really good profit on the deal. I was able to pay a full year of rent up front on a one-bedroom condo downtown and not even make a dent into the money, I move in next week. I also traded my car in for a new car, a car th
at doesn’t remind me of Tyler—it was my last act of defiance against my past.

  I finally decided that it was time to at least try to do something with my chosen career, so I submitted my application to law school. I thought the process would take longer but because I had already been accepted and chose not to go after Tyler’s death, they re-accepted me almost immediately. I’m still not a hundred percent sure that it’s what I really want, but I figure it’s worth a shot, and I start in a few months. When I met with my academic counselor a few days ago to go over my schedule and tuition, she told me that my tuition had been covered by an anonymous benefactor. It didn’t take me long to figure out that this was Michael’s parting gift, but how he found out I had gotten into school is beyond me. I’m sure he has connections in admissions, because he seems to have connections everywhere.

  I was angry at first, so angry that I almost went to his office to tell him to shove his stupid gift because I no longer needed anything from him. But the more I thought about it, the less angry I got. If he wants to throw his money away on me then let him, it’s the least he could do for not helping Tyler and for costing me Luca. What he won’t get is a thank you from me…Ever! It may make me no better than he is, it might even make me a bitch, but whatever, I can live with that.

  So there you have it, life goes on, with or without Luca. I can see the beauty of everything that I’ve accomplished in the last few weeks on my own. In the end I guess I didn’t need him holding my hand and walking me through it all. It felt good to be independent; to take these steps forward on my own. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t wish every single day that he was still here. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him with everything that I have, because I do. There are times that I feel like I might just go crazy without him, times where I have my cell phone in hand set to his name and the only thing standing between me and hearing his voice again is the push of a stupid button. Why I can’t push it is beyond me, why I can’t just call him and explain what happened, let him make up his own mind, choose for himself whether he wants me or a career. That would be the smart thing to do, because the more I think about it, the more I think that I acted rashly, that maybe Morgan was right and my own fear of losing him got in the way of my rational thoughts. Only now so much time has passed that I don’t know how to make the first move, I don’t know if I could stand his rejection even though I know it’s what I deserve. Luca Jensen probably hates me, and I can’t blame him, not even a little bit. I can only hope that mixed in with the hate is just a little bit of the love he once felt for me.

  “How are you doing?”

  I look up from my spot on the couch where my eyes were trained on one of those fixer-upper shows on the home channel to see Morgan hovering over me with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

  “Hey, I’m okay. What’s up?”

  She plops down next to me, hands me a glass, and pours us both drinks. She takes a generous gulp and I follow suit.

  “Are you all set with the move? How are you getting everything from the storage unit into the apartment next weekend? I can help.”

  I love that she’s always willing to help out; she’s honestly one of the best people I know. “I hired a moving company but I can definitely use some help unpacking and decorating.”

  “Cool, I’ll be there. I’ll bring some pizza.”

  “Morgan, I don’t know what I would have done without you the last few weeks. I know I didn’t deserve anything from you after the way I treated you the last few years.”

  “Everly.”

  “No, seriously it’s true. I went through a really horrible time when I lost Tyler and I pushed everyone away. My family didn’t give up on me because they couldn’t, I’m their daughter. But out of all of my friends, all of the people I considered to be close to me, you were the only one who stuck around, you were the only one to try consistently to get through to me. I shouldn’t have shut you out like that.” Pushing her away is one of the things that I regret most about the last few years. If I could change it I would.

  “I’ll never give up on you Ev, you’re my best friend. You’re the sister I never had.”

  “Oh shit, you’re going to make me cry.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you cry and I know that you don’t want to hear this babe but I hate to see you so sad.”

  “What are you talking about?” I play the dumb card and take a drink of wine.

  “I’m talking about how unhappy you’ve been these last few weeks, and that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing great, you are. You’ve accomplished so much and all on your own, and I think that’s important. I’m so proud of you, but the sadness is there, it’s unmistakable.”

  “What do you expect me to say, I’m not going to deny that I’m sad, or that it hurts that Luca isn’t around, but I made my choice and if I’ve learned anything it’s that you shouldn’t let sadness drag you down. You have to fight for pieces of happiness and that’s what I’m trying to do.”

  “You shouldn’t have to fight for pieces of happiness, you should just be happy.”

  There’s that happy word again. Happiness is an ideal that I’ve never really managed to master. “How do you suggest I get happy?”

  “Talk to him, tell him the truth, that you’re an idiot and you thought you were doing the right thing but you regret it.”

  “Don’t sugarcoat it or anything.”

  “You don’t need anyone to sugarcoat crap for you, you need someone who can be honest with you, and that’s me.”

  “It’s too late Morgan. I can’t go back now and tell him that I made a mistake, besides I’m not so sure that it was a mistake.”

  “You know it was mistake,” she says with a scowl. “If it was a great choice you wouldn’t be miserable now. You can’t take matters into your own hands and play god with people’s future.”

  “I’ll think about it okay?”

  “Okay.”

  It’s not a lie, I will think about it—I’ve been thinking about it since it happened. I’m just not sure thinking on it will change my mind, the damage is already done. I sit here and continue drinking my wine, my eyes fixed on the TV screen but my mind on Luca and all the reasons why I should just leave him alone, the only problem is that I don’t believe any of them.

  ~Morgan~

  I heard Everly crying a few nights ago. She probably thought I was sleeping but I’m sort of an insomniac, it takes me forever to fall asleep. I’ve heard her cry herself to sleep most nights since she went through with her stupid idea about leaving Luca. Now that she’s all moved into her new apartment, I can’t be there to make sure that she’s alright. I’m not around to keep her company, and I’m terrified that she’s going to fall into that old familiar pattern of retreating into herself and shutting people out. She’s come so far in the last few months, she’s become the old Everly again, and I don’t want to lose her.

  I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, that our lives will eventually lead us where we’re meant to be but I’m not naïve enough not to realize that sometimes we have to give fate a shove in the right direction. Everly is so screwed up that she needs more of a tow. I’m about to make shit happen for her, I only hope she doesn’t hate me for it, and if she does well then… at least I tried.

  I sit across the street sipping a latte and wait for the car to pull out of the driveway. I watch it disappear down the street before getting out of my car, jogging across the street, and ringing the doorbell. The door opens just a few seconds later and I’m greeted by a woman. She looks exactly as I remember her, Stella West, Tyler’s mother.

  “Hello, may I help you?” she questions cautiously yet politely.

  “Hi Mrs. West, you may not remember me. I’m Morgan, Everly’s best friend.”

  “Oh My. Of course Morgan, it’s been a long time. Won’t you come in? Is everything alright with Everly?”

  “Yes Everly is fine,” I answer quickly in order to reassure her. I walk into her massive home
, every bit as grand as I thought it would be. “I’m so sorry to interrupt you but I was hoping that you would be able to help me with something.”

  “Well I’m not sure I’d be the most suited but I’ll certainly try.”

  “That’s all I ask, thank you.”

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  I smile but shake my head, trying to remain polite and hide my anxiety. “No, I can’t stay, I just… Mrs. West, I know you know that Everly is trying to move on with her life, and part of that is falling in love again, and she’s done that with Luca Jensen.”

  She nods her head, giving me a soft smile as well. “I know this dear, I saw them together not so long ago. It came as a shock at first, but I realize that the heart wants what it wants and I would never stand in the way of her happiness. I believe she’s suffered enough.”

  “I’m glad to hear you say that, because there are people that don’t want to let her be happy. There are people who would rather see her miserable and alone than end up with someone like Luca.”

  She tilts her head, a look of concern in her eyes. “To which people are you referring?”

  “I’m referring to your husband Mrs. West.”

  Her voice gets tight and I pray that this doesn’t all go downhill from here. “I’m sure you must be mistaken.”

  “I’m not. Your husband went to see Luca, he warned him that if he didn’t stay away from Everly he would destroy his career, and he would make it so that he would never be able to practice law here again. Luca said no but Everly overheard the conversation and took matters into her own hands. She broke up with Luca and now she’s brokenhearted. I didn’t know how else to help her, so I came to you, hoping that maybe you could have a word with your husband, tell him that it really isn’t his place to interfere in other people’s lives.”