Unspeakable Truths Read online

  I’d gone out for my now weekly Friday night drinking date with Morgan and I’d texted Luca before I left the bar and asked him to meet me at my house, letting him know where the spare key was and that he should feel free to let himself in.

  When I finally made it home, he was waiting for me in my room—eyes hooded, chest heaving, and more than ready for me. He wasted no time in pulling me inside and stripping me down where he proceeded to tie my wrists to the headboard and do all the things that he had mentioned he’d do to me if he got the chance to tie me up a few weeks ago.

  The sex with Luca is wild, uninhibited, and naughty in the best possible way. Not to say that we don’t have normal sex too, we do… A lot, but when Luca wants to play, he always takes me to new heights. I never imagined I’d like it as much as I do; in fact there are often times when I downright crave it. Crave the feel of his hand on my backside or his particularly drawn out method of foreplay.

  This morning is no different. Luca is hovering over me, his hands between my legs, his mouth at my ear telling me what a good girl I am for spreading wide for him, and me on the brink of an orgasm. All he ever really has to do is call me his good girl, and I’ll do anything he wants—it’s like flipping a switch. This is what’s happening before the moment that I die of sheer embarrassment. This is because right before Luca sends me over the edge, my bedroom door thrusts open.

  “Everly, are you awake?”

  I shriek in horror and Luca throws himself on top of me to shield my naked body from my mother.

  “Mom,” I cry out in a mix of surprise, mortification, and annoyance. I thank the stars for the fact that most of our bodies are still covered by the down comforter draped over my bed.

  “Oh my God,” my mom says, quickly shielding her eyes from the show that we’re giving her. “I didn’t realize you had company, I just stopped by with some groceries.”

  “Shit,” whispers Luca, his head now shoved in the crook of my neck as he fights laughter.

  “Well…Um… Hello Luca.”

  He averts his gaze, choosing instead to look at my face. “Hi Mrs. Phillips.”

  “Mom, would you mind waiting downstairs while we get dressed.”

  “Oh right, of course,” she says, turning away from us. Her eyes likely burning at what she just witnessed. “I’ll just put your groceries away and make some coffee. Take your time,” she says before closing the door.

  “Oh. My. God,” I whisper as Luca silently laughs. “This isn’t funny,” I hiss, smacking him on his bare shoulder. “We just got caught by my mom having sex.”

  “We weren’t having sex babe, I was playing with your pussy. There’s a difference.”

  “Get off of me right now,” I demand, doing my best to not to pummel him.

  “Ev, we’re two consenting adults.”

  “I know that but no parent should ever walk in on their child doing what we were doing and no child should ever have to deal with this level of humiliation.”

  “Alright, relax, let’s go down there and talk to her.”

  “No!” I shriek. “You stay here, take a shower, and I will go talk to her, explain how things are and smooth things over before you go down there. I can’t deal with a confrontation right now.”

  “I don’t want you to face her alone.”

  “Baby please, please just let me handle this my way.”

  His eyes go soft, maybe because I’ve never called him baby before, until now he’s always just been Luca, but the term of endearment just feels right, natural even.

  “Alright ten minutes though,” he concedes.

  “Ten minutes,” I agree. “I can work with that.”

  He rolls off of me allowing me to get out of the bed; I throw on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top and head for the door.

  “Ev,” he calls, still lounging on the bed.

  I come to a stop and look back at him. “Yeah?”

  His lips go up into a small grin. “Did you just call me baby to get your way?”

  I change my trajectory, walking away from the door and heading back to the bed instead. I put one knee on the mattress stretch out and place a kiss on his lips.

  “I called you baby because it felt so right that it just came out of my mouth. I didn’t even have to think about it.”

  He stares at me through hooded eyes for a moment “Go before I throw you back down on this bed and have my way with you.”

  I give him a bright smile and do as he asks, I leave the room and head downstairs to the kitchen where not only can I smell fresh coffee brewing, but there’s also the distinct smell of bacon being fried.

  “Mom,” I say hesitantly as I grab onto the edge of the countertop.

  She turns away from the frying pan she’s currently hovering over and faces me. “Everly, I’m so sorry, I should have called and I know you said you’ve been doing your own shopping but I brought you some anyway because I really wanted to see you.”

  I shake my head, “It’s okay Mom. I’m just sorry you had to walk in on that.”

  “I am too,” she says giving me a smile that’s full of humor. “It won’t go down in my top ten favorite moments but honey, I’m also glad.”

  “You’re glad?” I repeat, making sure I heard her correctly.

  “Yes. I’m glad because finally, finally you’re moving on,” she states, placing her hands on my upper arms and squeezing. “You’ve been getting out more and more, starting to take care of yourself better, seeing your friends again, and clearly you’re dating again.”

  I tilt my head and ask in hesitation, “And it doesn’t bother you that the person I’m dating is Luca?”

  “Why would that bother me?” She lets go of my arms and shakes her head. “Luca’s a good man, and you know now that he had nothing to do with Tyler’s death.”

  “But that’s just it Mom, he’s my husband’s best friend,” I say, stating the obvious. I walk over to the coffee pot and prepare myself a cup of coffee listening to my mom spew her wisdom.

  “He was your husband’s best friend, but your husband is no longer here, and I think that relieves Luca from his duty to stay away from you.”

  “Mom!”

  “What, am I wrong? She moves to the frying pan and starts removing the cooked bacon. “Who cares who you move on with as long as you move on, and do it with a good guy?”

  “That’s what he says.”

  She opens the refrigerator and pulls out a carton of eggs. “He’s right.”

  “So you’re really okay with this?” I ask skeptically.

  “I’m okay with whatever makes my baby happy again.”

  I think of the hell I’ve put her through the last few years, of course I didn’t mean to but I know it took a toll. I give her a shy smile and tell her the honest truth. “He makes me happy.”

  She stares at me, her eyes wet with unshed tears and nods at me. “You love him.”

  I shake my head, in order to squash whatever ideas she’s having right now. “No, it’s only been a few months, we’re not there yet, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be.”

  “You’re there, you just don’t realize it yet,” she declares as if though it’s fact instead of her own personal misguided opinion.

  “Mom,” I groan.

  “I’m making you breakfast.”

  “I see that,” I reply sarcastically just as Luca makes his appearance in the kitchen. I give him an “everything’s okay” smile, he smiles back his “I told you so” smile. He walks over to me slides an arm around my waist pulling me into his side and places a kiss on my forehead. I can sense my mom watching us out of the corner of my eye.

  “Luca, I hope you like eggs, bacon, and toast.”

  He gives me a squeeze before releasing me and moving to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup of coffee. “I do Mrs. Phillips, thank you.”

  “Please, call me Jill.”

  He nods at her as he adds cream and sugar to his mug while I sit there in the middle of my kitchen replaying my mother’s
words over and over in my head. “You love him.” How did she get that from talking to me for ten minutes, from walking in on us in bed together? Sex and love don’t always go hand in hand so if she’s basing her statement on that she’s dead wrong. Or is she?

  I push these thoughts out of my head, choosing instead to focus on the relationship we’re building right now. I’ll enjoy what we have and take it one day at a time.No one needs to profess his or her love just yet, what we’re doing is good enough as it is.

  I go to the cupboard, grab the sliced bread, and start making toast for everyone. I listen in as my mom asks Luca about work and he explains in detail how he’s finally settling in and feeling good about his work. They go back and forth, and I’m content to just sit here and watch the two of them find an easy rhythm with each other. Tyler had to work harder at getting comfortable with my mom than Luca does aaanndd…There I go comparing them again. I suppose Morgan was right, it’s going to take time for me to stop doing that and things are going to come up which would naturally make me want to compare the two, but I’m not sitting here willing Luca to change, to turn him more into the kind of man Tyler was. No…I am more than happy with everything Luca does.

  “I think it’s about time for you to start sorting through some of Tyler’s and your old things,” I hear Luca say. I take a minute to process his words before putting down the magazine I was sifting through as he looked through some case files.

  “You do?”

  “Yes, I do because I think you and I both know that you don’t need them, most of it is just old clothes and things that you never even look at anymore. “

  “That’s a big step. I just don’t…”

  “What?”

  “I just don’t even know where I would start.”

  “Follow me.”

  “Luca,” I call watching him grab a garbage bag from the kitchen and jog upstairs.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m helping you purge the past,” he says grabbing hold of the garment bag that sits in the back of my closet silently taunting me for the last four years. Just another memory of a shattered dream.

  “That’s my wedding dress Luca,” I say with steel in my voice.

  “I know,” he says tossing it on the bed mercilessly. “Why do you still have it?”

  “Because it’s my wedding dress.”

  “And what? Are you saving it for the daughter you and he will never have?”

  I gasp, shocked by his cruel words, and tears immediately filling my eyes. “Oh my God, how dare you say that?”

  I see a flicker of remorse right before he continues his verbal assault. “You’re no longer married Everly.”

  “Yes I am.”

  “To what? A dead man? Is that the fucking life you want? You want to live in this fucking shrine of the life you never got?”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “No?” He questions me almost as if it’s a challenge. He stares at me for a beat before unzipping the bag, opening it to reveal my beautiful custom wedding gown. I close my eyes, because it’s almost too much for me to take in the sight of it now.”

  “Look at it,” he says, his voice full of determination. “I want you to open your eyes and look at it.”

  I take a moment to gather up strength and courage, it’s just an article of clothing for God’s sake, a dress, nothing more. I open my eyes taking it in. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I tried it on for the first time. My mom and Morgan and I cried tears of joy—we knew instantly that this would be the dress I’d wear when I married Tyler.

  Luca rifles through one of my drawers, grabs something, and comes back to the bed. He unhooks and then picks up the gown—in his hands I spot a black pair of scissors.

  “Luca,” I warn, my eyes going wide, a bit of panic setting in. He wouldn’t fucking dare, I think to myself.

  “It means nothing,” he says, taking the scissors to the bodice and cutting in a straight line.

  “No!” I scream, lunging for him, but he takes several steps back as he continues with his calculated destruction. He looks up at me, tosses the scissors on the floor, and uses his hands to rip the rest of the dress in half. He pushes the dress into my hands and I clutch it as I fall to the ground and begin to sob uncontrollably.

  “There’s a garbage bag on your bed. Have your cry and then throw it out. You’ll feel better once it’s gone,” he says, walking out of the room and leaving me holding the tattered shreds of something that once meant so much. I fucking hate Luca.

  I’m not sure how long I sit here, holding the dress close to me. Letting the facts dance around in my head. My husband is dead, has been dead, and this is a dress, a dress that has been sitting in a bag in my closet for four years. I shouldn’t be crying about getting rid of it, it’s just one more thing that I’ve held on to for far too long. I compose myself, picking myself off of the floor and carefully put the dress in the garbage bag. As completely out of line Luca was for pulling this shit, a part of me thinks that maybe it was for the best, a first step in letting go of what once was and will never be again.

  I sit on my bed a long time, thinking about the choices that I’ve made, and the choices that I need to make in the near future. It’s daunting, but this was a start. A difficult start, yes, and also not by choice, but it’s a start nonetheless.

  “Everly?” I look up and see Luca standing in the doorway arms and feet crossed, leaning against the frame. His posture is guarded as if he’s preparing himself for my wrath. “I’m sorry. I was really out of line.”

  “Yeah you were.”

  He nods and pushes off from the doorframe crossing the distance between us before coming to sit on the edge of the bed with me. “It seemed like a good plan at the time. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

  “You went about it all wrong but I know your intentions were good. It was just a hard thing to let go of.” I shrug.

  “I know.”

  “I know it can’t be easy for you, coming to this house, my house with Tyler, and seeing his things everywhere, but up until now you’ve been amazing about it and…I don’t know, maybe we can start off slow, get rid of some of his books and knick-knacks first and work our way up?”

  He wraps his arm around my waist, drags me over to him, and places me in his lap. “I’ll help you however you want and you can take as much time as you need.”

  “I just don’t want you to think that I’m holding on to him—because I still wish he was here—or that I’m not over it.”

  “Everly, he was your first love, your husband. I know that there’s always going to be a part of you that loves him… But are you over it?”

  “Every day that I spend with you, it gets a little easier, it hurts less and less and I think maybe part of my problem was that I was lonely, I surrounded myself with his things, his memory, and I shut everyone out. Every day I feel more like the old me.”

  “I’m glad that you let me in.”

  I snuggle into him, reveling the feel of his arms wrapped around me. Hoping that this will last, that I won’t lose Luca too, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle that kind of loss again. I place a soft kiss on his neck.

  “Will you throw the bag out for me?”

  He tugs at a strand of my hair. “Of course. I made some dinner.”

  “You did?” I love that he can be so thoughtful; taking care of me even when I don’t know that he’s doing it.

  “Yeah, I thought you might be hungry, and I wanted to give you some time alone.”

  “Thanks.” I smile, coming to stand on my feet and putting this scene behind me. A trashed wedding dress and a decision to purge the past in hopes of a better future. I can do this, I tell myself, and for the first time I truly believe it.

  I lay snuggled up in Luca’s arms the way I love to be. My head on his chest, his arm curled around my waist, our legs intertwined.

  “Why do you like me now?” I question, needing to hear what chang
ed for him after all of these years.

  He tilts his head to mine, “What do you mean by now?”

  “Come on Luca, you always hated me.”

  He shakes his head, “You’re wrong, I never hated you.”

  I roll my eyes. “You were mean to me. You were sarcastic, you’d make fun of me all the time, and it was weird because you were so nice to me the first time we met.”

  “Being a jerk was easier than admitting what I really felt, or worse, letting anyone else see how I really felt.”

  I suck in a sharp intake of breath. “How did you feel?”

  “The same way I feel now,” he says, positioning himself on top of me. “Like you’re mine. Like you should have always been with me.”

  “Luca,” I whisper, my heart racing.

  “I saw you in that bookstore, and I wanted you from that moment on. I hated that you were with him, but even though you were, in my mind I always felt like I had this fucked-up claim on you, and he knew how I felt about you, and he went after you anyway.”

  “Wait what? How? Luca, I met Tyler a few days after you. I never saw you after the bookstore, how could he have known?”

  “You didn’t see me, but I saw you Ev. My biggest mistake was not making my move when I first met you. I thought I’d get another chance, and I didn’t want to come on too strong.”

  “You liked me?” I question in disbelief.

  “Baby, I went home afterward and told Ty about you, told him how I met this girl, the most beautiful girl. That night we went to a frat party, it was crazy and crowded, but I spotted you again. I pointed you out to him just as you were leaving. He told me I should go after you but I told him no, you had already left. I figured it was a small campus I’d see you again once classes started.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “I never thought you’d have a class with him, and he’d make a move on you. I never thought he’d take you knowing how I felt.”

  “Luca,” I whisper, tears swimming in my eyes. “I didn’t know. I swear to you, I liked you too. I wanted you to ask me for my number, I wanted you first. I just thought…and then I met him, and he was sweet, charismatic, it was hard not to like him. I was shocked that first time I went to your place and I saw you there, but I thought at least we could be friends. Well you know how well that worked out.”