Selections from the Art of Party Crashing in Medieval Iraq Read online

  So on the fourth day I set out and went to a banquet, and I ate and carried a lot out with me, half of which I gave to him and half of which I kept. I sold my half for some money. I didn't do anything wrong that time.

  But one day I went to a glorious wedding, and I ate and carried a nice portion out, and then I met some people who bought it all for a dinar. I took the money and hid it.

  The master called a party-crasher meeting, and he said, "This Baghdadi has betrayed us! He thought that I didn't know everything that he does. Smack him and find out what he has hidden from us."

  So they made me sit down whether I would or not, and they went on smacking me one by one, and the first one said, "He ate lamb." Then another smacked me and sniffed my hand and said, "He ate vegetables," and another said, "He ate semolina," until they had mentioned each thing that I ate. They didn't miss one thing nor name one extra dish.

  Then one gentleman smacked me a great smack and said, "He sold the rest for a dinar," and another smacked me and said, "Give up the dinar," and I handed it over to the chief. He took the robe that he had given me and said, "Leave us, 0 traitor, without the protection of God."

  So I left on a ship and came back to Baghdad, and I vowed not to stay in the land where the party-crashers know the Unknown.;

  180

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us, I heard Bunan say:

  Do not take a weaver or a cupper or a tailor or a donkey driver or an auctioneer as a dinner companion. For a weaver makes cuts all day, and thus his speech is always: "I made a robe with two side cuts today, and then I made three side cuts, and then four, and then five, until there were ten cuts! And tomorrow, God willing, I'll cut a robe for a third and a dirham of a third, and two dirhams of a third, then three for a half and two dirhams with a half and three dirhams! The robe is not wide but is light, and I didn't pound it or scrape it, so it remained coarse..." His whole day is robes, "I cut them and I sold them," so you won't get anything good out of a man of this trade.

  As for the cupper, from the moment he sits down until the moment he stands up, he is gossiping about people: "I cupped So-and-So and he gave me a dirham, and then I cupped So-and-So and he gave me half a dirham! I removed So-andSo's hair and he gave me half a dirham, and then I shaved So-and-So and he gave me a dirham! So-and-So is lavish, and So-and-So is stingy..." So he talks about every little detail, the motherfucker, from the time he sits down until he stands up again.

  And the donkey driver, from the time he sits until he stands: "I lent out a donkey for a daniq, and then for two daniqs, and then for half a dirham, and we kept lending donkeys until we got a dirham or more. A donkey needs half a dirham to a dirham in grain and a load of dry fodder...," and he will pass an entire day with these petty details.

  The tailor, from the time he sits down until the time he stands, talks behind people's backs, saying nasty things about them: "So-and-So is in love with So-and-So, and So-and-So loves somebody else. I made a robe for So-and-So, the songstress, whom So-and-So is falling for, a robe of wrapped linen; he sent her a `high robe of Merv!"' and he goes on gossiping about people from the time he sits down until the time he stands, the motherfucker.

  And the auctioneer: "I sold So-and-So a horse for such-and-such an amount, and I sold a concubine to So-and-So for such-and-such amount, and So-and-So is content, and So-andSo is content . . ." So from the time he sits until he stands, he is gossiping about good Muslims: "And the market inspector apprehended So-andSo and Ms. So-and-So." The party is constantly interrupted by this kind of comment.

  O my brother! May I be your ransom! Do not befriend any of this low breed, for they will carry away your good reputation among your friends and your loyal acquaintances. Befriend (may I be your ransom!) cloth merchants, perfumers, money changers, fine carpet salesmen, cotton merchants, millers, and apothecaries. These sorts are like scholars born of scholars, or leaders born of leaders. That is my advice to you.

  181

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us:

  Bunan adopted an apprentice and told him, "If you are invited to a banquet (God willing!), beware, oh, beware of delaying until the last hour, or becoming distracted and dragging your feet and saying, "I'll go in an hour," or "No more than an hour," or "What have I forgotten?" or "What if nobody has come and I'm the first one there? Why should I be the first one?" This kind of thing destroys your chances, limits your choices, and leads you to lose the day. These are the actions of ignorant people who do not plan carefully. So if your friend invites you to a party, seek the Lord's guidance and be one of the first people to show up. Take this advice, and you will be rightly guided, and clearly a man of correct conduct, God willing.

  Know that he who does not arrive at the earliest moment is not one of the important people, chief among whom is the secretary, the cloth merchant, the apothecary, the saddle maker, and that sort. Sitting with these people is most profitable, for with them you are sure of your happiness, plus you will hear sound conversation and elegant stories. You will be comfortable and have a roomy seat with the highest class of man, if you sit with them at the first table. Cling to this class of people, and do not let yourself get separated from their sides, lest you be destroyed. You have nothing to lose, even if you gain nothing.

  Sitting at the first table to be brought out has many praiseworthy characteristics. Know, 0 ignorant, that there you may take the first portion from the pots; there you will find plenty of everything: the pots will be full, the water cold, the bread hot, the master of the feast fresh and happy, and everything at your command. You have plenty of room, and are sitting with a group as good as gold, livelier than the first fruits, aware of what they're eating, with no tasty food or delicious drink unknown to them. Eating with these men is easy and safe, and everything that you eat and drink will be wholesome to you.

  If you make a speedy departure for the party, it will come as a relief to your host. He will know that he has done his duty by you, and his heart will be untroubled. But if you delay and laze about until the last minute, then all is lost and destroyed by your languishment. Know that you will find only cold food and leftovers, and picked-over loaves (the good ones having been taken), and warm water, and a peevish, exasperated host who wishes, at the moment, that you'd go to hell. Also know, my brother, that at the last table brought out, the pickings are scarce, because ten people were planned for and thirty were served, so each man can have only a bite or two of every dish, which a number of hands will have pawed over, and your seat will be too small for your body. The moment the host calls to those last people to eat, they will rush to the table, scattering all over and ripping off the veil of good manners, standing shoulder to shoulder like buildings built side by side, eating from the right, the left, and the middle, their hands ranging around the table from east to west, and you'll hear the gurgling in their throats. That is because the only people who sit at the last table are the poor and the weak, and a lamb or a kid doesn't mean a thing to them but a chance to gorge themselves. Were they presented with a prime rib of lamb, served with the skin still on and lettuce and endives on the side, soon it would be like a hut whose walls had fallen with only the beams still standing. So what will be the state of one who sits with this lowest breed of manhood? He won't eat a little and he won't eat a lot, but he'll get up from the table with a heart more desolate than the heart of Moses's mother, hungry and thirsty, having had no more of the banquet than the smell of the food and the marrow of the bones.

  I have explained this to you so that you may understand that I have advised you to the limits of advising, and taught you as Sufyan ibn al-Thuri taught in his school,4 and caused you to learn manners and culture. May God bless you with a patient heart, delicious food, and a sturdy jaw ... though such a prayer is not likely to be heeded.

  182

  Bunan said:

&n
bsp; If your friend invites you to a meal, sit on the right side of the house, because from there you can see everything that you want, and hold sway over them all. You will be the first to get everything, the first to wash his hands, with the table all in front of you. You will drink from the first bottle, the good vegetables will be placed in front of you, you will be the first to be perfumed, for if you are sitting at the edge of the table, you have nothing to do but keep track of what is coming and going, and you are steeped in every pleasure until you depart.

  183

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us, and he said:

  I heard Bunan say, "The tastiest thing that could be are eggplants in sikbaj, and al-hisrimiyya, and al-madira, and al-kashkiyya," and "The tastiest thing that could be is the meat of a lamb in `adasiyya, and al-madira, and al-hisrimiyya, and al-kashkiyya."s

  184

  Bunan said, "The tail of a goat is better than a whole pot of beans."

  185

  He said:

  I heard Bunan say, "Food taken with friends is easily digested. Food taken with boors is i11digested."

  186

  Al-Rafiqi informed us, Ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us, I heard Ja`far ibn Yahya al-Mada'ini say, a friend of mine related to me:

  I was sitting with Bunan at a table, and he said to me, "Do not contradict anything that I'm about to say to you."

  They brought out a large wooden bowl of semolina, and he said to me, "Eat only the red part, because there are two flavors in it: the flavor of sugar and the flavor of saffron." He did not invite me to eat any other part. "Hold yourself back," he said.

  Then they brought harisa, and he said to me, "Eat one, two, or three bites."6

  Then they brought red zirbaj soup, and he said to me, "Eat a bite or two."

  Then they brought us dried fried meat, and he said to me, "Don't eat but a bite or two, and no more, and throw the dry bread to the dogs" (meaning that in which the meat was wrapped).

  Then they brought us vegetables, and he said to me, "Eat a bite or two."

  Then they brought us some roast meat, and he said to me, "Don't eat any of it. Hold yourself back. Every day we can buy some roast meat for only a daniq that would replace what is here quite well."

  Then they brought us some faludhaj, and there was a great deal of it heaped up in a cone shape, and he said to me, "Take from the bottom until it collapses."

  So I did, and he said to me, "Eat and take more. This you don't see every day."

  How Many

  Then they brought us some lawzinaj. "Double or triple your portion," he said, "and if it kills you, you'll die a martyr."

  Then they brought us a plate of a fattened, roasted chicken, and he ate two or three times his portion, and he said to me, "Eat and don't cut it short, because this is valued at three dinars. Eat only things that have value." So he ate two of them, and I ate three.

  (Those may not be his exact words.)'

  188

  Al-Rafiqi informed us, Ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan told us:

  Someone asked Bunan, "What do you think about faludhaj?"

  "By God!" he answered. "It is of the food of Paradise! Should anyone asking about faludhaj in this earthly life refer to intellect or reason? You simpleton! Eat it-forever until you die! And when you die, die full-bellied, and may you find your reward with the Almighty God."

  190

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn alHasan al-Muqri' told us, Wasif al-Banna said:

  Bunan came up to me at a wedding, and I said to him, "You're crowding me!"

  "If I'm doing you no benefit," he replied, "then let me do you no harm!"

  I sneezed.

  "Raise your head up," he said, "and breathe deeply three times. It will ease your swallowing."

  191

  Al-Rafiqi informed us, Ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan told us:

  I hear Bunan say, "Taking from two plates, plus some cold water, is the dearest thing to me."

  192

  Abu al-Hasan Bunan said:

  When, having eaten, you get up from the table, sit in the middle of the house where a cool draft will hit you, and call for some drink. If they bring you date wine, I prefer to take a measure or two, and don't dilute it with water. If they bring beer, don't drink too much, or it will make you queasy. If they toast you, they have invited you into their private dwelling, but do not sit at the seat farthest from the door, because that seat is for singers, or for the decrepit, and if you want to go get something or urinate, it is difficult to get up, and other people at the table will be incommoded by your rising. So sit by the door.

  If there is a lot of fruit in the house, pull it over to your side; don't trust that it will come to you and just sit around waiting with nothing. Don't designate yourself the wine pourer; be the tail, not the head.

  If there's a songstress or a slave boy with an attractive face at the party, fear God in your heart and do not become enamored with them. Look to your own welfare, for as God Almighty said in His book, "Strain not thine eyes for the splendor we have bestowed on this earthly life "8

  If the wine is passed around in cups, see that the better part of it stays where you are sitting, and take it by the bottle or the cup and drink it yourself.

  If you see people confusing their conversation, and there is grape wine at the gathering, fear God and do not drink it, and do not linger where grape wine's to be had, for `Ali ibn Sahl ibn al-Mughira related to me, as did `Ali ibn alHasan ibn Salih al-Razi, both transmitting on the authority of Mu'awiya, on the authority of the Prophet, who said, "Whosoever drinks grape wine, flog him. If he does it repeatedly, kill him."9 O my brother! Beware, beware of drunkenness! For if the crowd sees you stumble or bungle your speech, they will judge you by it. Though your reputation with your neighbors may be spotless, when you walk away your reputation will be soiled, and though you may be the leader of the Friday service or give the call to prayer, that kind of humiliation never fades. Rather, you must tell excellent stories or excellent hadith, and everyone will grow to like you, and you will become master of them all. But if you become confused, and passionate, and unruly, it is a slap to the face, and it breeds enmity among your neighbors that never fades. So beware, my brother, of drunkenness! Drink five cups, six cups, seven cups, but don't become drunk. If you take care against drunkenness, when you rise up, you are sound and have your intelligence. May God save us, and beware, my brother, of the passing of this earthly life and the coming of the other. Take my advice, and you will be guided aright, God willing.

  194

  Bunan called white bread "Abu Na'im" (Mr. Fine), course bread "Abu Jabir" (Mr. Force), semolina "Abu Surur" or "Abu Malik" (Mr. Joy and Mr. Royalty), meat "Abu `Asim" (Mr. Hold Fast), greens "Abu Jamil" (Mr. Beautiful), vinegar "Abu Thaqif" (Mr. Strong [Vinegar]), lamb "Abu Humayd" (Mr. Little Laudable), kid "Abu Habib" (Mr. Darling), chicken "Umm al-Khayr" (Mrs. Good), duck "Umm `Amr" (Mrs. Life), brain "Abu al-Raja"' (Mr. Anticipation), trotter "Abu al-Ghasha" (Mr. Swoon), cheese "Rashid al-Khaniq" (Rashid the Strangler), olives "Khanafis al-Khiwan" (beetle of the serving tray), salt fish "Umm al-Balaya" (Mrs. Calamity), 7nabagali "Abu al-Riyah" (Mr. Wind), faludhaj "Abu al-`Ala" (Mr. Exalted), pudding "Abu Razin" (Mr. Heavy), lawzinaj "Qubur al-Atfal" (Children's Tombs), honey doughnuts "Qubur al-Shuhada"' (Martyr's Tombs), `asida pastries "Umm Sahl" (Mrs. Smooth), water "Abu al-Ghayth" (Mr. Big Rain), drinking buddies "Abu al-Kamal" (Mr. Perfect), social gatherings "Abu Mahmud" (Mr. Praised), minarets and lamps "Abu Siyah" (Mr. Clamor), toothpicks "Kitab al-'Azl" (the Book of Removal), and potash "Abu alYa's" (Mr. Despair).10

  197

  Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-'Atiqi told us, Sahl ibn Ahmad ibn Sahl al-Dibaji told us, Abu Bakr ibn al-Anbari told us, Ahmad ibn Mansur told us, Ahmad ibn `Ali said:

  A man asked Bunan to pray on his behalf, so he raised his ha
nd and said, "May God graciously bestow bodily health upon you, and a lot of food, and a lengthy appetite, and a strong stomach. May he grant you teeth that grind and a stomach that digests, as well as holding capacity, even temperament, security, and vigor." Then he said, "Such a prayer is not likely to be heeded."

  198

  Al-Rafiqi informed us, Ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan told us:

  I heard Bunan say, "I saw my son smacking his lips one day, so I incanted a prayer, saying, `May you prove a worthy successor"' (meaning in party-crashing).

  199

  He said:

  I heard Bunan say, "There is nothing in the world better than my profession. I've been a party-crasher thirty years, and I've never taken on a single apprentice."

  200

  He said:

  I heard Bunan say, "Taking charge of a banquet you didn't throw is a shame, but if you did throw it, it's a big shame."

  201

  He said:

  I heard Bunan say, "Petty bickering at a party is one of the worst two disasters that can befall you."

  202

  He said:

  Bunan went to a party and walked inside. "Who are you?" they asked him.

  "I am he who spared you the trouble of sending an invitation!" he replied.

  203

  He said:

  Someone said to Bunan, "Which kind of food do you find tastiest?"

  "Whatever makes its owner feel most generous!" he replied.

  204

  He said:

  I heard Bunan say, "There are several things that drain, nay, kill, a banquet: if the host is stingy, and the gatekeeper is a pompous liar, the steward is a lowlife of little learning, the cook isn't good at his job and has dirty hands, and the table and the sitting place for the partygoers is as bare of singers and wine as a ruin is.