Selections from the Art of Party Crashing in Medieval Iraq Read online

  1. Another version of this poem is given below in anecdote 152.

  141

  It was told on the authority of Ibn Dab that these verses are from Abu al-'Araqib al-Madani, the partycrasher, and they begin:

  And at the end he mentioned more lines in addition to what we've quoted, with a few variations of expression:

  142

  Abu al-Qasim al-Azhari related to us, Ahmad ibn Ibrahim ibn Shadhan told us, Ahmad ibn Masud ibn `Amr told us, Ibrahim ibn `Abd al-Salam told us, Bashr ibn Hayyan told us, Sulayman al-Minqari told us:

  I was at one of my friend's parties, and there was a party-crasher in the crowd. One of the other guests began to stare at him suspiciously.

  "Hey, young man," said the party-crasher, "praise God, didn't you hear that the Prophet, peace and prayers upon him, forbid a man to stare at someone who is eating?"

  The man turned to me and said, "Did you know that?"

  "No, by God!" I answered. I left the party. I've been asking around about it ever since.2

  143

  Abu `Amir al-'Uqdi related to us, Sufyan ibn Salama told us, al-Khallal, brother of Ibn Salama and father of `Umar said on the authority of `Abd Allah ibn Abu Bakr ibn Muhammad ibn `Amr ibn Hazm, on the authority of his father, that:

  The Prophet, peace and prayers upon him, forbade a man to stare at a companion while he is eating.

  145

  The judge Abu al-'Ala' Muhammad ibn `Ali ibn Ya'qub al-Wasiti told us, Abu al-Hasan `Ali ibn Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Hafiz told us, Abu alHusayn Muhammad ibn `Uthman ibn Abu al-'As alThaqafi in Basra told us, Bakr ibn Ahmad ibn Sakhit al-Qazzaz al-Farisi told us, Nasr ibn `Ali Abu `Amr al-Jahdami related to us:'

  I had a neighbor who was a party-crasher, and he was one of the best-looking and best-spoken people, and the best perfumed and most finely dressed as well. It was his custom to follow me when I was invited to a gathering, and people did honors to him on my account because they assumed that he was my friend.

  So it came to happen thatJa`far ibn al-Qasim al-Hashimi, prince of Basra, wanted to celebrate the circumcision of one of his sons, and I said to myself, "I'm probably going to get an invitation from the prince, and this man is probably going to follow me again. By God, if he follows me this time, I'm really going to teach him a lesson!"

  And I was like that right up until the arrival of the messenger with the invitation.

  No sooner had I put on my robe and stepped out the door but I saw the party-crasher waiting for me by the gate of his house, ready to go. I set off, and he followed me. After we entered the prince's house, we sat for a while, and then the food was called out and tables were brought, and everybody was pressed around the tables because there were so many people.

  I proceeded to one of these tables with the party-crasher on my heels, but just as he reached out his hand and began to grab the food, I said, "Durust ibn Ziyad told us on the authority of Aban ibn Tariq on the authority of Nafi' on the authority of ibn `Umar, `The messenger of God, prayers and peace upon him, said, "He who enters a gathering to which he was not invited and eats their food enters as a thief and leaves as a looter.""'

  When he heard that he said, "By God, I thumb my nose at you, Abu `Amr! And there's not one man among this crowd but thinks that you just insinuated something about him! Aren't you ashamed to talk like that at the very table of he who feeds the people, and to play the miser with food that isn't even yours? And aren't you ashamed to cite the unreliable hadith transmitter Durust ibn Ziyad on the authority of Aban ibn Tariq, who is unreliable as well? And yet on his authority you pass judgments that go against the Prophet himself-for the thief's punishment is cutting of the hands, and the looters' is as the imam sees fit-but according to this hadith related to us by Abu `Asim al-Nabil, on the authority of Ibn Jurayj, on the authority of Abu al-Zubayr, on the authority of Jabir, `The messenger of God, prayers and peace upon him, said, "Food for one is enough for two, and food for two is enough for four, and food for four is enough for eight."' And this is a sound text with a sound chain of transmission!"

  "I was dumbfounded," said Nast ibn `Ali, "and no reply came to my mind. When we left the party, he crossed to the other side of the street after he had been walking behind me, and I heard him say:

  146

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us:

  One day Bunan got scolded, and I overheard.

  "Damn you, Bunan!" someone said to him. "What's all this you're getting into, getting fed! Seek God's forgiveness for the business that you're in!"

  "May I be your ransom," Bunan replied. "Who denies himself white and yellow semolina, suckling kid, or dense faludhaj? No, by God, the intelligent never refuse them, nor does a free man abstain!"

  147

  And he said:

  Bunan had eaten and eaten well, and someone said to him, "Slow down! You'll kill yourself!"

  "If it is time to die," Bunan replied, "I want to go well fed and well watered, not parched and hungry."

  150

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari said, Ahmad ibn alHasan al-Muqri' said:

  A man said to Bunan, "Counsel me!"

  "Don't fraternize," he replied, "but if you can't avoid it, pick someone who won't pester you. Don't go for greens, gorge on chicken skin, stuff yourself with goat kidneys, gulp bird gizzards, snatch fish innards, or concern yourself with the eyeballs if a head is served. And pay no attention to skinny poultry. Think of naught but what is on your plate, nor glance upon the plates of the others. And if the roast goat when passed to you has little meat left on it, pity not the weakness of the aged guests, nor the greed of the young. Eat, and don't bother yourself with the host's family, and don't waste time inquiring after their health.

  151

  Abu Talib Muhammad ibn `Abd Allah ibn al-Hasan al-Kirmani told us, I heard Abu al-Faraj Muhammad ibn `Ubayd Allah al-Shirazi mentioned that:

  A party-crasher was laid up with an illness, and his slave boy came to him for counsel.

  The party-crasher said, "May God graciously bestow bodily health upon you, and a lot of food, and a lengthy appetite, and a strong stomach. May he grant you teeth that grind and a stomach that digests, as well as holding capacity, even temperament, security, and vigor ...

  "If you are seated at the table a long way from the water and you choke on a piece of food, put your right hand above your head and shake it like you're adjusting your sleeve, and, God permitting, the food will go down.

  "If your place at the table is too small, say to whoever's sitting beside you, `Excuse me, Mr. So-and-So. Perhaps I'm crowding you a little?' and he'll move back a bit and say, `No, praise God, I've got plenty of room,' thus giving you more space.

  "If a dish comes your way at the table, don't pass it by, thinking, `Maybe something better will come along.'"

  "Go on!" said the slave boy.

  He said, "If there's only a little bit of bread, eat the crusts. If there's a lot, eat only the middle.

  "Don't drink a lot of water while eating, because it prevents you from eating as much, and that is the pinnacle of stupidity."

  "Go on," said the slave boy.

  "Eat each dish," he said, "as though you've never seen anything like it before, and hoard it as though it's exceedingly rare."

  "Go on," said the slave boy.

  "If," he said, "you find food, consider it a provision for your journey to God.

  "Don't eat flat bread folded, or it will trouble you. Eat it mashed, so you can get your teeth around it, and it's easier to chew.

  "If you go to a wedding that's very crowded, pass it by. Also if the gatekeeper is burly and inso- lent, pass him by, lest he deal with you roughly.

  "Let your comments lie somewhere between advice and braggadocio. For example, I once went to a banquet and there was an oaf therea chef-preoccupied with something he was doing. I went over and saw that he had made a meat pastry and was
setting it in the center of the table, where there was an empty spot in case a guest brought a dish.

  "`Did our host give you permission to do that?' I asked him.

  He had not met me and didn't know who I was, so he responded, `Hello, sir! I did not know that I needed permission to do this.'

  "`Are you drunk?!' I asked him. `Do you want to impose more food on these people than they can eat and spoil their meal? Truly, you are the dumbest of the dumb! The host of the banquet is going to be very displeased. I would never hide what you've done from him, except that I'm afraid of his disapproval ...'

  "The chef said, `Save me from his wrath, and I'll split my earnings with you!'

  "'I'll do it,' I said.

  "I stuck to my promise and ate everything that I wanted, commanding and rejecting dishes as I pleased. The chef was thinking that I had a close relationship to the host, or maybe was related to one of the women.

  "Afterward, I vowed secrecy with the chef and took half of his earnings.

  "He later found out who I really was, but he forgave me."

  152

  I read under al-Hasan ibn Abu al-Qasim on the authority of Abu al-Faraj `Ali ibn al-Husayn alIsbahani, Ja`far ibn Qudama related to me, Abu Hiffan told me:

  A party-crasher went to a gathering, and the owner of the house asked him, "And who might you be, may God forgive you?"

  The party-crasher replied, "I'm the guy who says:

  153

  Muhammad ibn al-Hasan ibn `Ubayd Allah alBazzaz recited this poem of Muslimi's for me:

  154

  He also recited another one:

  155

  The judge Abu al-Qasim `Ali ibn al-Muhassin alTanukhi recited this poem by a party-crasher to us:

  156

  Abu Ya'la Yahya ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' recited one of their poems to me:

  4. Tatfil means "party-crashing."

  157

  Muhammad ibn `Ali ibn `Ubayd Allah al-Karkhi told me this poem by somebody else:

  158

  Ibrahim ibn Makhlad told us, Ahmad ibn Kamil al-Qadi recited to us, Ahmad ibn Yahya recited this poem by a party-crasher to us:

  159

  Abu Ya`la Ahmad ibn `Abd al-Wahid al-Wakil told us, Ismail ibn Said al-Mu'addal told us, al-Husayn ibn al-Qasim al-Kawkabi told us, Ibn Abi Tahir told us, Hammad ibn Ishaq informed us on the authority of his father:

  An Arab Bedouin said he approached a man's banquet seeking payment of a debt, and got pushed back, so he said, "We came across the worst kind of deal," and recited the rest of the lines.

  160

  Muhammad ibn al-Hasan ibn `Ubayd Allah al-Bazzaz recited to me one of their poems:

  161

  Al-Husayn ibn `Ubayd Allah al-Bazzaz recited to me a poem by one of them:

  162

  Bunan recited to us:

  163

  Bunan also recited to us:

  164

  Al-Khatib said:

  Bunan is the most talked-about party-crasher, the party-crasher of the farthest-reaching fame. And in terms of party-crashing-in terms of the extreme lengths to which he goes, as well as his customary goings-on-Bunan's got what no one else has. News of him abounds; we cited some of it already. And now, God willing, we are going to present the rest.

  165

  There is dispute about his name, for he is called `Abd Allah ibn `Uthman, and he is also called `Ali ibn Muhammad. His last name is Bunan, and his patronymic is Abu al-Hasan. He was originally from Merv but resided in Baghdad, and his anecdotes are transmitted on the authority of a number of scholarly people.

  Bunan

  166

  Ahmad ibn Abu Ja'far told me that `Ali ibn al-Hasan al-Tarsusi in Egypt said, I heard `Abd Allah ibn `Adi say, I heard al-Hasan ibn `Ali Salih saying:

  I heard Bunan saying, "I memorized the entire Qur'an, but I've forgotten all but four words: `Give us our lunch..""

  167

  Abu Mansur Muhammad ibn `Isa al-Hamadhani and Abu al-Qasim `Ubayd Allah ibn `Abd al-'Aziz al-Bardha'i and `Ali ibn Abu `Ali al-Basri told us, Muhammad ibn `Ubayd Allah ibn Shukhayr alSayrafi related to us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan ibn `Ali al-Muqri' related to us:

  I heard my father ask Bunan, "Have you memorized a single thing from the Book of God?"

  "Yes," Bunan Said. "A verse."

  "Which one?" he asked.

  So Bunan said, "He told his slave, `Give us our lunch!"'

  Then my father asked, "Have you memorized any poetry?"

  Bunan said, "Yes. A line."

  He asked, "Which one?

  And Bunan recited,

  We visit you, forgiving your cruel distance, for the true lover comes uncalled for.

  168

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' related to us, Bunan told us, `Abbas alDawri related to me, Abu al-Hasan al-Mada'ini and others of his friends related to me on the authority of `Ali ibn Suhaym on the authority of al-Sha'bi who said:

  They were discussing wedding food around `Umar ibn al-Khattab, and someone asked him, "0 Commander of the Faithful! Why is there a flavor in wedding food that you can't find anywhere else?"

  "The Prophet prayed a blessing upon it," he said, "and Abraham also prayed that God bless it and make it tastier, so there's a pinch of the food of Paradise mixed in ..."

  170

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Husayn al-Muqri' told us, I heard Bunan say, Muhammad ibn al-Hasan al-Bazzaz told us, Ibn `Ali ibn al-Hasan ibn Shaqiq related to me on the authority of his father, Ibn al-Mubarak told me on the authority of al-Mubarak and Rabi', on the authority of al-Hasan who said:

  There are twelve features of mealtime that a Muslim ought to learn: four of them are an obligation from God, four were the customs of the Prophet, and four are a matter of good manners. The four obligatory points are to invoke God before eating, to know which food is forbidden, to take pleasure in it, and to thank God for it. The four customs of the Prophet are to sit on one's left foot while eating, not to reach across the table, to eat with three fingers, and to lick the fingers when finished. As for the matters of good form: one should wash one's hands, take little bites, chew thoroughly, and not stare at friends.

  171

  `Ubayd Allah ibn `Abd al-'Aziz al-Bardha`i told us, Ahmad ibn Ibrahim ibn Shadhan told us, Abu Bakr Ahmad ibn Marwan ibn Muhammad al-Maliki alQadi al-Dinawari told us, Muhammad ibn `Abd al'Aziz told us, Muhammad ibn Dinar told us, I heard Waki` ibn al-Jarrah say:

  I was eating at the same table as Bunan the party-crasher, and I heard him say to me, "Dammit, Waki`! You're a scholar of the hadith and a jurist of Iraq, and you're eating eggplants-you can buy a hundred eggplants for a small coin, and you're ignoring the chicken breasts, chickens costing a whole dinar?! How little you know!"

  172

  Al-Bardha'i told us, Ibn Shadhan told us, Ahmad ibn Marwan al-Maliki told us, Muhammad ibn `Abd al-'Aziz told us, Muhammad ibn Dinar told us, and he said:

  I heard Waki` ibn al-Jarrah say, "Bunan the party-crasher said to me, `Waki`! Having command of the table is better than having four dishes to yourself!"'

  173

  Al-Khatib said:

  There is something very suspicious about this story because Bunan lived after Waki` ibn Jarrah by a long time and a great while; Waki` died in 196, whereas Bunan lived around 300.'

  174

  Another version is also preserved on the authority of Bunan on the authority of Said al-Samin on the authority of Waki`:

  Abu Talib Yahya ibn `Ali ibn al-Tayyib al-Daskari told me word for word in Helwan, Abu Bakr ibn al-Muqri' informed us in Isfahan, `Ali ibn Ishaq al-Madura'i told us, Bunan the party-crasher told us, Said al-Samin told us, I heard Waki` say, "Having command of the table is better than three dishes!"

  175

  Abu al-Qasim al-Azhari told me, Muhammad ibn Humayd ibn al-Husayn ibn Humayd ibn al-Rabi' al-Harraz told us, Muhammad ibn al-Hakimi told us, `Abd A
llah ibn `Uthman Bunan told us, Said al-Samin informed me on the authority of Waki` alJarrah:

  Having command of the table is better than three dishes, and white semolina tastes better than yellow semolina.

  176

  Abu Mansur Muhammad ibn `Isa told us, `Ubayd Allah ibn `Abd al-'Aziz and `Ali ibn Abi al-Shakhir informed us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan ibn `Ali al-Muqri' informed us:

  I heard Bunan say, "`Abbas al-Dawri informed me, I heard Yahya ibn Main say, `Eating with friends doesn't hurt!"'

  177

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn alHasan al-Muqri' told us, Bunan, meaning `Ali ibn Muhammad `Uthman, the party-crasher, related to me, Ja'far al-Tayalisi related to me, and he said, I heard Yahya ibn Main say:

  When you go to your friend's house, sit down where you are seated and drink what you are given, and do not be a burden on them. If you eat and then wander around and do not sit, you will be a burden on them in their gathering.

  178

  Ja'far al-Tayalisi said, I heard Bunan say, `Abbas alDawri and al-Saghani said, Yahya ibn Main said:

  It is silly to eat abstemiously at the house of one's companions, nor do I condone the practice. Fasting in the house of one's friends is annoying and hypocritical.

  179

  Abu al-Hasan `Ali ibn Ayyub al-Qummi told me, Muhammad ibn `Umran ibn Musa al-Katib told us, al-Suli told me, Abu Hamid ibn al-'Abbas told us:

  Bunan, the party-crasher, told me, "I went to Basra and someone told me, `There's a partycrashing expert here who watches out for partycrashers, clothes them, leads them to gigs, and shares with them.' So I went to him, and he was charitable with me and he clothed me, and I stayed with him for three days. He had shares coming to him from all the party-crashers: they would carry food out of the party and give half to him and keep half for themselves.