Selections from the Art of Party Crashing in Medieval Iraq Read online

  Takeout

  "Okay," said Muhammad ibn Ibrahim.

  So the next day Abu Malik showed up, walked in on the banquet, ate his fill, and brought some food back for the kids too.

  107

  I read in a book of al-Hasan ibn Abi Ya'qub al-Isbahani's, Muhammad ibn `Abd Allah ibn Asid al-Madini told us, Muhammad ibn Zakariyya al-Ghalabi told us, Muhammad ibn Khalid ibn `Amr said:

  A group of party-crashers gathered to crash a banquet, and their leader said, "Oh, God, let not the gatekeepers push us from the front, nor shove us from the back, nor knock us about the head, but grant to us his mercy and his goodwill, and facilitate for us the obtaining of his permission." And when they entered, they were received by the cook, and the leader called him "Blessed first and best one to greet us, bringing plenty and banishing lack." And when they sat at the table, he said to it, "May God make you blessed like Moses's staff, Abraham's table, Jesus's supper."

  Then he said to his friends, "Open your mouths and straighten your gullets, roll up your sleeves and loosen your belts, and chew not with the jaw of the ailing, nor the stomach of dyspepsia, and yet recall that days may soon turn black, and all go awry."'

  108

  Abu al-Hasan `Ali ibn al-Husayn ibn Muhammad ibn Ibrahim told us, `Ali ibn al-Hasan al-Razi told us, al-Husayn ibn al-Qasim al-Kawkabi told us, Ibn Sadaqa related to me:

  Once somebody asked a party-crasher how well he knew the Book of God, and the party-crasher responded, "I'm one of the most knowledgeable people there is on the subject." So someone said, "What does, `Ask the town that we were in' mean?" He said, "It means, `Ask the people in the town."' And someone asked him if he had proof for that, and the party-crasher said, "It's like when you say `I ate the whole table,' which just means, `I ate what was on the table.""

  109

  Ahmad ibn Abu Ja'far al-Qati'i told us, `Ali ibn alHasan ibn al-Mutaraffiq al-Tarsusi told us, I heard `Abd Allah ibn `Adi say, I heard `Isma ibn Kamal say: I heard Abu `Amr the party-crasher say, "I heard my teacher say about `Thereafter they return only to Hell'3 (a saying of God Almighty), `It has something to do with food."'

  110

  This interpretation is similar to that which was told to me by Abu Nu'aym Ahmad ibn `Abd Allah alHafiz, that he heard Abu Bakr ibn al-Muqri' interpret Khidr's advice to Moses, "Walk not when there is no need," to mean, "Don't walk somewhere you're not going to chew something."

  111

  Muhammad ibn `Ali ibn al-Hasan al Jallab told me:

  A party-crasher had this verse inscribed on his signet ring: "Will ye not eat?"4

  112

  And he said, "A party-crasher said, `The three best places are the head shop, the grilled meat shop, and the pastry shop."'

  113

  I read under al-Hasan ibn Abu al-Qasim on the authority of al-Faraj `Ali ibn al-Husayn al-Isbahani, al-'Abbas ibn `Ali al-Suli told me:

  "Why are you so pale?" somebody asked a partycrasher.

  "We were between courses, and I was afraid that the food had run out!" he said.

  114

  Abu Muslim Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn `Abd alRahman ibn Bundar al-Qadi related to us, I read this in a book written by my father:

  Someone said to a party-crasher, "Do you love Abu Bakr and `Umar?"'

  "Food has left no place in my heart for loving anyone," he replied.

  115

  I heard someone say, on the authority of a partycrasher:

  Alf you are sitting at a table, don't talk while you are eating. If someone addresses you in such a way that you must respond, answer only "na`rn" (yes), for conversation distracts from eating, but saying "na`rn" assists in chewing.

  116

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi told us in his book, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' said:

  `Abbas the sponger was asked, "What would you most like to have happen to you unexpectedly?"

  "I'd like to be invited somewhere nearby on a rainy day," he answered.'

  117

  Muhammad ibn `Ali al-Jallab related to me:

  A party-crasher went out on a trip with a group of people. They'd decided that each would contribute something to the fare. "I came with such and such," they each said, one by one. But when they got to the party-crasher, he simply said, "I came," and fell silent.

  "What did you come with?" they asked him.

  "God's curse on my head!" he said.

  They all laughed at that, and excused him from contributing to the fare. They took him along on their trip.

  118

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, Ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari told us, Ahmad ibn alHasan Hasan al-Muqri' told us, al-Harith ibn Abu Usama told us, I hear al-Mada'ini say:

  A party-crasher walked into a wedding feast, and when they brought out the table and presented the roast, he looked at it and said, "God may judge between the two of us, for it's on your account that I'm here at all!"

  119

  Ahmad ibn al-Husayn said, I heard Muhammad ibn Yahya al-Kisa'i say:

  Aparty-crasher passed by a group who had decided to dedicate their day to drinking, and were sitting in a parlor for that purpose. He greeted them and said to himself, "Should I go in?"

  He went in.

  Lazy

  "Young men," he said to them, "what are you sitting around for?"

  "We sent someone to get us some meat," they said.

  When the meat arrived, the cook asked them, "What would you like to be cooked?"

  "Juniper kabab," the party-crasher answered.

  When he had eaten, he reclined and crossed his legs.

  "Whose house is this?" he wondered.

  Then he answered himself, thinking, "It's yours, man, until someone says otherwise."

  120

  `Ali ibn al-Muhassin `Ali al-Qadi related to me on the authority of his father:

  A party-crasher took up with a man while traveling. One day the man said to him, "Go and buy some meat for us."

  "No, by God, I don't have the means," said the party-crasher.

  So the man went and bought the meat. Then he said, "Get up and cook it."

  "I'm no good at cooking," said the partycrasher.

  So the man cooked the meat. Then he said, "Get up and sop the bread," and the partycrasher replied, "By God, I feel exhausted."

  So the man sopped the bread. Then he said, "Get up and ladle the stew."

  "I'm afraid I'll spill it on my robe," said the party-crasher, so the man ladled the stew.

  "Get up and eat," he said.

  "By God," said the party-crasher, "I've been feeling bad for refusing you so many times," and he came forward and ate.

  121

  Ahmad ibn Abu Ja'far told us, `Ali ibn al-Hasan ibn al-Mutaraffiq al-Tarsusi in Egypt told us, I heard `Abd Allah ibn `Adi say, I heard Muhammad ibn `Ubayd Allah say, I heard alJahiz say:

  I asked Abu Said the party-crasher, "How much is four plus four?"

  "Two loaves of bread and one piece of meat," he replied.

  122

  Abu al-Hasan `Ali ibn Ayub al-Qummi told me, Abu `Ubayd Allah Muhammad `Imran al-Marzubani told us, `Abd Allah ibn Ja`far related to me, Abu al'Abbas al-Mubarrad told us:

  Someone asked a party-crasher, "What is two times two?"

  "Four loaves of bread," he replied.

  And another time he said, "I waited the amount of time it takes someone to eat a loaf of bread."

  123

  Abu Ya`la Ahmad ibn `Abd al-Wahid al-Wakil told us, Ismail ibn Said ibn Ismail al-Mu'addal told me, al-Husayn ibn al-Qasim al-Kawkabi told us, al-Haddadi told us, Abu Hiffan said:

  Someone asked a party-crasher, "What's four times four?"

  "Sixteen loaves of bread," he said.

  And Abu Hiffan said:

  "Once a man crashed another man's party.

  "`Who are you?' the host asked him.

  "`I'm the one who saved you the trouble of sending an invitation!' he replied."

  And Abu Hiffan recited:


  124

  I read under al-Hasan ibn Abu al-Qasim on the authority of Abu al-Faraj `Ali ibn al-Husayn alIsbahani, Abu `Abd Allah Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-Katib told me, Ja`far ibn Abu al-Fadl the poet told us, my father told me:

  Once a party-crasher walked in the house of a man who had invited a gathering of people.

  "Hey, you!" the man said. "Did I say you could come?"

  "Did you say I couldn't come?" the partycrasher replied.

  125

  Muhammad al-Hasan `Ubayd Allah al-Bazzaz related to me:

  A party-crasher walked into a gathering, and they said to him, "Nobody invited you!"

  "But if you didn't invite me and I didn't come," he replied, "think how lonely that would be!"

  Everybody laughed at that, and they let him stay.

  127

  Muhammad ibn `Ali ibn al-Hasan al Jallab related to us:

  A man was invited to a party, and a party-crasher followed him there. The host realized what had happened and wanted to let the party-crasher know that he realized it, so he greeted them, saying, "I don't know who to thank more-you who took the trouble to answer my invitation, or you who took the trouble without an invitation to answer!"

  128

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad ibn Ja'far al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari al-Hamadhani told us, Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' said:

  Bunan passed by a wedding and wanted to get in, but couldn't. So he went to the grocer and put his ring down in exchange for ten cups of chewable honey.

  Then he returned to the gate of the wedding and said, "Hey, gatekeeper! Open up!" And the gatekeeper said, "Who are you?"

  "I see that you don't recognize me!" Bunan replied. "I'm the guy who was supposed to get the honey cups," so the gatekeeper opened the gate and Bunan went in. He ate and drank with the crowd, and when he'd had enough, he took the honey cups again and called to the gatekeeper, "Open up! They want plain honey, so I've got to return these cups." He went out and returned them to the grocer, and got his ring back.

  129

  And he said:

  Bunan went to a banquet only to have the door shut in his face, so he borrowed a ladder, leaned it against the man's wall, and climbed up. Then he began watching the man's daughters from above. "Hey, you!" the man called. "Do you not fear God? You're looking at my daughters!"

  "0 Sheikh!" Bunan replied. "Well dost thou know we have no need of thy daughters: indeed, thou knowest quite well what we want!"I

  Then the man laughed and said, "Come down and eat, then."

  "Hey!" said Bunan. "Don't think ill of your elders next time, and ask God to forgive you for what just happened."

  130

  There was a tale of this sort told about Ash'ab ibn Jubayr, a master of wit in Medina:

  `Ali ibn Abu `Ali told us, Ismail ibn Said alMu`addal told us, Abu Bakr ibn al-Anbari said, Mus'ab al-Zubayri said that:

  Salim ibn `Abd Allah was out for a picnic with all of his women in one of the parks of the city. Ash'ab caught wind of this and thought he would drop by for some party-crashing. He found the park gate locked and began to scale the wall, when Salim said, "Damn it, Ash'ab! My daughters and my lady are with me!"Ash`ab responded, "Well dost thou know we have no need of thy daughters: indeed, thou knowest quite well what we want!"

  So Salim gave him some food-some to eat and some to take home.

  131

  Muhammad ibn `Ali al-Jallab related to me:

  A party-crasher came to a wedding and was denied entry. He happened to know that the bride's brother was absent, so he left and got a piece of paper. He folded it up like a letter, and he sealed it (although there was nothing inside), and he addressed it "From the brother to the bride." He went back.

  "I have a note from the bride's brother for her," he said.

  He received permission to go in and present the letter.

  "We've never seen an address like this before," everybody said. "It has no name on it!"

  "What's even stranger than that," said the party-crasher, "is that there's nothing insidenot one letter! That's because he was in a big hurry when he wrote it."

  Everybody laughed. They knew it was a trick to get in, and they let him get away with it.

  132

  Muhammad ibn `Ali said to me:

  There was a party-crasher named Waylon, and somebody asked him, "What do you do if they won't let you into a wedding?"

  Waylon

  He said, "I start wailin' by the door until people get sick of it and invite me in."'

  Muhammad ibn `Ali `Ubayd Allah al-Karkhi related to me:

  A party-crasher couldn't get into a wedding, so he took one of his shoes and hid it in his sleeve and hung the other from his arm, and then he got a toothpick and borrowed a dirty dish from the perfumer. He dipped the toothpick in the dish and stuck it in his teeth, and went running back to the gatekeeper as if in a big hurry. He said to him, "I ate with the first table at the banquet because I had to leave early for work, and in my hurry I took one of my shoes and forgot the other. Could you please bring it out to me?" The gatekeeper said, "I'm too busy. Go in and get it yourself." So the party-crasher went in and ate, and then he left again.

  134

  Some of the storytellers mentioned that Abu al'Abbas al-Mubarrad recited this poem of al-Hamduni's about a party-crasher:

  135

  Abu Muhammad al-Hasan ibn `Isa ibn al-Muqtadir Billah told us, Abu al-'Abbas Ahmad ibn Mansur alYashkuri told us, Ibn al-Anbari told us, my father related to me, Ahmad ibn `Ubayd told us on the authority of Abu `Ubayda, and he said:

  We were visiting a Banu Makhzum man, who was staying in the vicinity of the Banu Tamim, and Dukayn al-Rajiz showed up and said to the gatekeeper, "I am fainting for some hot food! Let me in!"

  The gatekeeper refused to let him in, so Dukayn stood by some nearby shops where some people had come out, and started to say,

  The gatekeeper said to him, "Who are you, goddamn you?!" He said, "I'm Dukayn al-Rajiz!"3 so he let him in.

  Abu Bakr ibn al-Anbari said, the interpretation of this story was told to me by my father, who said that Ahmad ibn `Ubayd said "fainting for" means "burning with desire for, when the heart is on fire with longing for something." And the Zalajlajas are women moving and coming and going and never stopping in one place.

  136

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us, Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-Muqri' told us, saying:

  A party-crasher threw a banquet, and two partycrashers showed up. He recognized them, and sent them up to a room. He fed whom he wanted, and then brought the party-crashers back down and said, "Happy trails!" and sent them on their way without eating a thing.

  Happy Trails

  There was a witty story to this effect told about Abu Said ibn Darraj, the party-crasher:

  Abu Bakr Ahmad ibn `Ali al-Muqri' al-Wasiti told me, `Ubayd Allah ibn Muhammad ibn Ahmad al-Bazzaz told us, Ja`far ibn Muhammad ibn alQasim told us, Abu al-`Abbas al-Tusi told us, Ibn Abu Sa'd told us, Muhammad ibn `Amr told us, Abu `Ali al-Qurashi told me that:

  Ibn Darraj, the party-crasher, who was of the Harran household, came to Baghdad, and he passed by the gate of a house that was holding a banquet, so he went in. It happened that the owner of the house had erected a ladder and was instructing people he did not recognize to "go up, my friend."

  As Ibn Darraj related, "I climbed up to a room, and there I found thirteen other partycrashers. The host then took the ladder away, and a table was set on the level below. My companions were bewildered. `Nothing like this has ever happened to us before,' they said.

  "`Young gentlemen,' I said to them [Ibn Darraj continued], `what is your trade?'

  "`The crashing of parties,' they replied.

  "`And what do you have to say about the situation we are in?' I asked.

  "`We don't have a solution,' they said.

  "`If I solve this for you so that you get to eat and to go back down,
' I said, `will you acknowledge me as your teacher in party-crashing?'

  "`Who are you, by God?' they asked.

  "`I am Ibn Darraj,' I told them.

  "`We already acknowledge you, even before you solve this problem for us,' they said.

  "So I located the owner of the house [Ibn Darraj continued], and carefully regarded him and the people eating.

  "`Owner of the house!' I called.

  "`What's the problem?' he asked.

  "`Which would you prefer?' I said. `You can bring us up a big table so that we can eat and come down afterward, or I'll throw myself down on my head and be carried out of your house killed, and this party will turn into a funeral!' and I began to hike up my trousers as though I were about to run and hurl myself down.

  "Then the owner of the house said, `Calm down, damn you, don't do it!' and he quickly brought the things. `This guy is crazy,' he said, and they lifted the table up to us. We ate and came down."

  Ibn Darraj was a party-crasher of old, and there are many well-known stories about him.

  138

  Ahmad ibn `Ali ibn al-Husayn al-Muhtasib told me, `Ubayd Allah ibn Muhammad al-Muqri' told us, Ja`far ibn Muhammad al-Tusi told us, Ibn Abu Sa'd told us, Muhammad ibn `Amr related to us, Abu `Ali al-Qurayshi related to us:

  I heard `Isa ibn Muhammad ibn Abu Khalid ask Ibn Darraj, whose head was narrow, "Why is your head so narrow?"

  "From doing battle with gates," he said, by which he meant that his head had been pressed between a wall and a gate.

  139

  Al-Husayn ibn Muhammad al-Rafiqi informed us, `Ali ibn Muhammad ibn al-Sari Ahmad ibn al-Hasan al-Muqri' told us, Abu `Abd Allah ibn al-Jahm related to us, Yahya al-Farra' told us:

  I hired Ibn Darraj, the party-crasher, to dictate thirty jokes and sayings to me for a dirham, but when he recited a tired joke, I wouldn't credit it to his account.

  "If you wanted the good jokes," he said, "it's ten for a dirham!"

  140

  Abu Muslim Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn `Abd alRahman ibn Bundar al-Qadi in Qasan related to me, I read in a book written in my father's hand:

  A party-crasher was blamed for his party-crashing, and he said, "What was food made for except to be eaten? What was the table laid for except to be enjoyed? Households aren't maintained except to be entered. I've never given a gift hoping for an invitation, and I don't dislike being rude to someone who seems stingy with my food. So I burst into a party, and I take command of the social situation, and I smile at anyone I see frowning, and eat my fill in spite of him, and after I've gorged myself I eat again just to give him a pain. And I don't spend one dirham or wear out my servant. In regards to all this, I say: