The Wonder of Whiffling Read online

  cow’s breakfast (Canadian slang) a large straw hat

  gibus (1848) an opera or crush hat

  havelock (1861) a cloth hanging from the back of a soldier’s cap to protect his neck from the sun

  biggin (1530) a tight-fitting cap tied under the chin, usually worn by children or as a nightcap by men

  goodgodster (Winchester College 1920) a brown bowler hat (from the exclamation necessarily uttered by anyone seeing so strange a thing)

  WORD JOURNEYS

  corset (14C from Latin and Old French) a little body

  mitten (14C from Old French) divided in the middle

  garter (14C from Old French) the bend in the knee

  tuxedo (from Amerindian) a wolf; then the name of a lake near New York whose residents in 1886 became so socially important that its name was given to a new style of dinner coats

  GOING WEST

  Illness, death and spiritual matters

  Sicknesse doth wound or afflict the flesh, but it cures the soule

  (1624)

  The idealized body is all very well to look at, in a painting or beautiful photograph. But in life, of course, bodies are constantly working organisms, managing repetitive functions that we often try and pretend are not actually happening to us. Just look at the string of euphemisms for our regular trips to the loo or restroom. We go and check the price of wheat in Chicago (Fife), see the vicar and book a seat for evensong (Isle of Wight), shake the dew from one’s orchid (Cumbria) or wring out one’s socks (Kent).

  WIND AND WATER

  Related functions can cause us huge embarrassment, as we attempt to ignore the fact that air needs to be released or that sometimes the body will reject what we try and put into it:

  fluff (Yorkshire) to break wind silently

  dumb insolence (1916) breaking wind on parade

  thorough cough (b.1811) coughing and breaking wind backwards at the same time

  bespawl (Tudor-Stuart) to bespatter with saliva

  vurp (UK teen talk) a belching action that’s somewhere between vomiting and burping

  bake it (late 19C) to refrain from visiting the loo when one should go there

  ELF WARNING

  Nor, sadly, can we rely on the body always to be in tip-top condition:

  phthisickin (Essex) a slight, tickling cough

  waff (1808) just the slightest touch of illness (especially of a cold)

  aelfsogooa (Anglo-Saxon) a hiccough, thought to have been caused by elves

  blepharospasm (1872) uncontrollable winking

  galea (1854) a headache which covers the entire head like a helmet

  mubble-fubbles (1589) a fit of depression

  sirkenton (Ayrshire) one who is very careful to avoid pain or cold and keeps near the fire

  MENS SANA

  Though sometimes malfunction of the body has more to do with the mind that controls it…

  formication (1707) the sensation of bugs crawling over one’s body

  trichotillomania (1889) the compulsive desire to pull out one’s hair

  boanthropy (1864) the belief that one is an ox

  uranomania (1890) the delusion that one is of Heavenly descent

  calenture (1593) a distemper peculiar to sailors in hot climates, where they imagine the sea to be green fields, and will throw themselves into it

  DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

  Calling in professional assistance is sure to be a good plan, even if the treatment prescribed may sometimes seem a bit unusual:

  urtication (1837) the act of whipping a palsied or benumbed limb with nettles to restore its feeling

  bezoar (1580) a stone from a goat’s stomach considered a universal antidote to poisons

  organ recital (medical jargon) a detailing of one’s medical history (especially of a hypochondriac’s)

  emporiatrics (medical terminology) the science of travellers’ health (jet lag, exotic infections, overexposure to hot or cold, altitude sickness etc.)

  GOD KNOWS

  Irreverent medical acronyms are used by some doctors on patients’ charts:

  UBI Unexplained Beer Injury

  PAFO Pissed And Fell Over

  GORK God Only Really Knows (a hospital patient who is, and may well remain, comatose)

  TEETH Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy

  GPO Good for Parts Only

  There is even a rumour that certain medics use the letters O and Q to describe their very oldest patients, with respectively, their mouths open, and their tongues out.

  PULLING THROUGH

  The sad fact remains that in the lottery of illness, some are fortunate…

  umbersorrow (Scotland) hardy, resisting disease or the effects of severe weather

  lysis (1877) the gradual reduction of the symptoms of a disease

  to cheat the worms (b.1887) to recover from a serious illness

  creaking gate (1854) an invalid who outlives an apparently healthier person (as a creaking gate hangs longest on the hinges)

  … while others are less so (whatever their visitors think):

  goodly-badly (Cumberland) of a sick person whose looks belie their illness

  floccillation (1842) the action of a feverish patient in picking at the bedclothes during delirium

  churchyard cough (1693) a cough that is likely to terminate in death

  circling the drain (hospital jargon) a patient near death who refuses to give up the ghost

  wag-at-the-wall (Jamaican English) a ghost that haunts the kitchen and moves backwards and forwards before the death of one of the family

  LAST WORDS

  Your time has come, and this is a journey with no return ticket:

  thanatopsis (1816) the contemplation of death

  viaticum (Latin 1562) Holy Communion given to a dying person

  thratch (Scotland 1806) to gasp convulsively in the death-agony

  dormition (1483) a peaceful and painless death

  THE GOLDEN STAIRCASE

  This final action of the body is also something that people prefer not to refer to directly, as the following euphemisms for dying attest:

  buy the farm (US slang early 1900s)

  climb the golden staircase (US slang late 1800s)

  coil up one’s ropes (British naval slang)

  stick one’s spoon in the wall (British slang 1800s)

  meet one’s Waterloo (Australian slang)

  go trumpet-cleaning (late 19C: the trumpeter being the angel Gabriel)

  chuck seven (late 19C: as a dice-cube has no 7)

  drop one’s leaf (c.1820)

  take the everlasting knock (1889)

  pass in one’s cheeks (b.1872)

  DEATH BY HONEY

  Not of course that illness is the only way to go:

  buddle (Somerset) to suffocate in mud

  burke (1829) to smother people in order to sell their bodies for dissection (after the notorious Edinburgh body-snatchers Burke and Hare)

  scaphism (b.1913) an old Persian method of executing criminals by covering them with honey and letting the sun and the insects finish the job

  A HEARTY JOKE

  When hanging was the ultimate penalty in this country, as it was for many centuries, a particular kind of gloating black humour went along with the licensed murder of wicked people:

  hemp cravat (late 18C) a hangman’s noose

  to cry cockles (b.1811) to be hanged (from the noise made whilst strangling)

  artichoke (underworld slang 1834) a hanging (a ‘hearty choke’)

  horse’s nightcap (late 18C) the cap drawn over a criminal’s eyes at his hanging (also known as Paddington spectacles (early 19C) from the execution of malefactors at Tyburn in the above parish)

  keep an ironmonger’s shop by the side of a common (1780) to be hanged in chains

  sheriff’s picture frame (UK slang b.1811) the gallows

  dismal ditty (c.1690) a psalm sung by a criminal just before his death at the gallows

  DUST TO DUST

  Howeve
r you meet your end, it’s off to church for one last time:

  ecopod (UK 1994) a coffin specially designed to be environmentally friendly

  shillibeer (1835) a hearse with seats for mourners

  wheelicruise (Orkney Isles dialect) a churchyard

  boot hill (American West 19C) a graveyard (where the occupants died ‘with their boots on’ i.e. violently)

  parentate (1620) to celebrate one’s parents’ funerals

  KNOCKING-ON

  Not that death is necessarily the end of your consequence on earth:

  dustsceawung (Anglo-Saxon) a visit to a grave (‘a viewing of dust’)

  carrion-crow man (Guyanese English) a man who canvasses business for an undertaker following a death

  umest (1400) the coverlet of a bed, often claimed by a priest at the death of a parishioner

  to add a stone to someone’s cairn (18C) to honour a person as much as possible after their death

  memorial diamond (US slang 2001) a diamond created from carbon extracted from the remains of a cremated body

  deodand (1523) an object that has been the direct cause of death of a human being (such as a boat from which a person has fallen and drowned) which was forfeited to the crown to be used as an offering to God

  ELYSIAN FIELDS

  The spirit has most definitely left the body, but to travel who knows where? Over the centuries there have been many different answers to this fascinating question:

  fiddlers’ green (1825) the place where sailors expect to go when they die: a place of fiddling, dancing, rum and tobacco

  psychopannychy (1545) the sleep of the soul between death and the day of judgment

  Lubberland (1598) a mythical paradise reserved for those who are lazy

  GOD’S IN HIS HEAVEN

  Back on earth, those left behind try and make sense of this alarming flight. Many find a visit to a church helpful in all kinds of ways…

  scaldabanco (1670) a preacher who delivers a fiery sermon

  utraquist (1894) one who partakes of the wine as well as the bread at communion

  officers of the 52nd (b.1909) young men rigidly going to church on the 52 Sundays in a year

  … though some motives are more suspect than others:

  thorough churchman (b.1811) a person who goes in at one door of a church, and out at the other without stopping

  autem-diver (17C) a pickpocket specializing in the robbery of church congregations

  SPEAK Of THE DEVIL

  God is known by few names: God, Allah, Jehovah. But his old adversary has any number of monikers: author of evil, black gentleman, fallen angel, old scratch, old split-foot and the noseless one. Just in the north-east of England he’s been Clootie, Awd Horney, Auld Nick and the Bad Man, while Yorkshire has had him as Dicky Devlin; Gloucestershire as Miffy and Suffolk as Jack-a-Dells.

  THE UNCERTAIN FUTURE

  Religion asks us to accept our fate, whatever that may be. For many that’s not good enough. They need more concrete assurance of the good or bad things to come:

  onychomancy (1652) fortune-telling using reflected light on oiled fingernails

  pessomancy (1727) divination by throwing pebbles

  belomancy (1646) divination using arrows marked with symbols or questions, guidance being sought by firing the arrows or drawing them at random from a bag or quiver

  planchette (French 1920s) a small, heart-shaped board on casters with a pencil attached; when participants in a séance touched it lightly the planchette allegedly wrote messages from the dead

  WORD JOURNEYS

  juggernaut (17C) from Hindi jagannath: a title of the god Vishnu ‘lord of the world’. It was believed that devotees of Vishnu threw themselves beneath the wheels of a cart bearing his image in procession

  mortgage (14C from Old French) a death pledge, a promise to pay upon a person’s death

  bask (14C) to bathe in blood

  bless (Old English) to redden with blood; then to consecrate

  SLAPSAUCE

  Food

  An apple pie without the cheese is like the kiss without the squeeze

  (1929)

  British food is often unfavourably compared with the cuisines of other nations. But why on earth should this be?

  dribble-beards (Scotland 1829) long strips of cabbage in broth

  dog and maggot (UK military forces) biscuits and cheese

  chussha-wagga (Worcestershire) inferior cheese

  druschoch (Ayrshire) any liquid food of a nauseating appearance

  HORSE FODDER

  Dr Johnson famously described oats as ‘a grain which is in England given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people’. Turnips on the other hand have long sustained people on both sides of the border. In the dialect of north-east England they have been known as bagies, naggies, narkies, nashers, snadgers, snaggers, snannies, snarters, tungies and yammies. In Scotland they’re called neeps, as in bashed neeps (mashed turnips) the traditional accompaniment to haggis.

  KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL

  Pig-months (19C) are those months in the year which have an ‘r’ in their name: that is, all except the summer months of May, June, July or August, when it was traditionally considered unwise to eat pork (or shellfish). But however safe your ingredients, correct preparation is essential:

  spitchcock (1675) to prepare an eel for the table

  bonx (Essex) to beat up batter for pudding

  engastration (1814) the act of stuffing one bird into another (the result is called a turducken)

  sclench (Shropshire) to check water at its boiling point, by dashing cold water into it

  swinge (Newfoundland 1896) to burn the down off sea-birds after plucking the feathers

  CAT’S PRAYERS

  Fancy names abound for different types of food, whether they be barely edible, plain or thought of as a delicacy:

  Boston strawberries (US late 19C) baked beans

  call-dog (Jamaican English 1943) a fish too small for human consumption (so one calls the dog to eat it)

  first lady (US drugstore jargon 1930s) spare ribs (Eve was made from Adam’s rib)

  scuttle-mouth (1848) a small oyster in a very large shell

  pishpash (Anglo-Indian) a slop of rice-soup with small pieces of meat in it

  bobby-jub (Yorkshire) strawberries and cream

  dandyfunk (nautical jargon 1883) a ship’s biscuit, soaked in water, mixed with fat and molasses, and baked in a pan

  spadger (Tudor–Stuart) a sparrow; something small and tasty (sparrows were an Elizabethan delicacy)

  armored cow (US army slang 1940s) canned milk

  honeymoon salad (US diner jargon) lettuce alone (i.e. ‘let us alone’)

  Adam and Eve on a raft (US diner jargon) two fried eggs on a piece of toast

  GIVE AND TAKE AND EAT IT – RHYMING SLANG

  Some rhyming slang simply rhymes but the best stuff takes it further, with meaning carried across:

  borrow and beg (late 19C) an egg (the term enjoyed a fresh lease of life during the Second World War food-rationing period)

  give and take (20C) cake (no cake can be eaten that has not been given)

  satin and silk (American Pacific Coast 20C) milk (suggestive of this liquid food’s smoothness)

  army and navy (early 20C) gravy (which was plentiful at meal times in both services)

  didn’t ought (late 19C) port (based on the replies of ladies who, when asked to ‘have another’, said that they ‘didn’t ought’)

  PLUS ONE

  Whatever you put on your table, you can be fairly sure that there’ll be someone around to hoover it up:

  smell-feast (1519) one who haunts good tables, a greedy sponger

  cosherer (1634) someone who feasts or lives upon the industry of others

  slapsauce (1573) a person who enjoys eating fine food, a glutton

  hodger (US slang) a guest who eats all of the host’s food and drinks all of the host’s drinks

  STOP PINGLING

 
Perhaps the best you can hope for is reasonable table manners:

  dooadge (Yorkshire) to handle food in a messy way (often said of children)

  mimp (1861) to play with one’s food

  pingle (Suffolk) to move food about on the plate for want of an appetite

  sword swallower (Australian slang) someone eating from his knife, especially among shearers

  yaffle (1788) to eat or drink especially noisily or greedily

  … or at least guests who aren’t fussy eaters:

  pica (1563) a strong and unnatural craving for unsuitable food (such as chalk), which occurs during pregnancy

  omophagist (1884) a person who eats raw flesh

  pozzy-wallah (Tommies’ slang 1914–18) a man inordinately fond of jam

  POST-PRANDIAL

  And then, hunger sated, you have the opportunity to sit back, digest and relax. Just keep an eye on all your guests…

  rizzle (1890) to enjoy a short period of absolute idleness after a meal

  nooningscaup (Yorkshire 18C) the labourer’s resting time after dinner

  dando (19C) one who frequents hotels, eating-houses and other such places, satisfies his appetite and decamps without payment

  WORD JOURNEYS

  omelette (17C from French via Latin) a thin flat blade

  pittance (13C from Latin via Old French) originally a pious request; then (14C) donations to monastic orders on a person’s death to be spent on food and wine to be served on the anniversary of the donor’s death; then (16C) these diminished to the extent of meaning a sparing allowance