The Wonder of Whiffling Read online

  hail damage cellulite (from its pitted similarity to the effects of hail)

  MODEL FIGURES

  So it must be reassuring to some that being skinny can also attract unfavourable notice (especially when combined with height):

  windlestraw (1818) a thin, lanky person

  straight up six o’clock girl (US black 1940s) a thin woman

  slindgy (Yorkshire 1897) tall, gaunt and sinewy

  gammerstang (1570) a tall, awkward woman

  stridewallops (Yorkshire) a tall, long-legged girl

  flacket (Suffolk) a girl, tall and slender, who flounces about in loose hanging clothes

  NAPOLEON COMPLEX

  The awful truth is that from the playground onwards, people who don’t meet the average have always had to put up with mockery. Luckily, vertically challenged role models from Alexander the Great to Napoleon have often had the last laugh:

  youfat (Ayrshire 1821) diminutive, puny

  gudget (Donegal) a short thick-set man

  dobbet (Cornwall) a short, stumpy little person

  pyknic (1925) short and squat in build, with small hands and feet, short limbs and neck, a round face and a domed abdomen

  endomorphic (1888) being short but powerful

  NIP AND TUCK

  So in the short term what can you do to change things? Wear platform shoes. Go on a diet. Or consider having some ‘work’ done:

  pumping party (Miami slang 2003) illegal gatherings where plastic surgeons give back street injections of silicone, botox, etc.

  rhytidectomy (1931) the surgical removal of facial wrinkles

  roider (US slang 2005) someone who injects illegal steroids to enhance his body

  reveal party (US current slang) a party held to celebrate successful cosmetic treatment, especially cosmetic surgery or dentistry

  MAKEOVER

  Then again, you could just pop down to the salon and have a less final and painful sort of revamp:

  whiffle cut a very short haircut worn by US soldiers in the Second World War

  farmer’s haircut (US slang 1984) a short haircut that leaves a white strip of skin showing between the bottom of the hair and the tanned portion of the neck

  follow-me-lads (mid 19C) curls that hang over a woman’s shoulder

  krobylos (Ancient Greek 1850) a tuft of hair on top of one’s head

  acersecomic (1612) one whose hair has never been cut

  FACE FUNGUS

  Ever since William the Conqueror passed a law against beards, facial hair has gone in and out of fashion. After the return of the heroic soldiers from the Crimea in the 1850s, the hirsute look became wildly popular:

  dundrearies (1858) a pair of whiskers that, cut sideways from the chin, are grown as long as possible (named after the comic character Lord Dundreary in the popular Victorian play Our American Cousin; these excessive sidechops, popular with gentlemen perambulating the centre of the capital, were also known as Piccadilly Weepers)

  burke (c.1870) to dye one’s moustache

  bostruchizer (Oxford University c.1870) a small comb for curling the whiskers

  THREADBARE

  From five o’clock stubble to the pudding ring (Florida slang), a facial decoration made up of a moustache and a goatee, many men cherish their beards because it’s the only kind of hair they have left:

  pilgarlic (1529) a bald man (referring to a peeled head of garlic)

  skating rink (US current slang) a bald head

  egg-shell blonde (New Zealand 1949) a bald man

  Better such terms as these than being fingered for having a brillo (UK playground slang), a merciless expression for the style of a middle-aged male who is attempting to fluff up every hair to disguise his ever-expanding pate.

  SNIFFER

  Hair can do only so much to frame a face. You can’t escape the features you’ve been given, especially that one in the middle:

  simous (1634) having a very flat nose or with the end turned up

  proboscidiform (1837) having a nose like an elephant’s trunk

  macrosmatic (1890) having a supersensitive nose

  meldrop (c.1480) a drop of mucus at the end of the nose

  A WORD IN YOUR SHELL-LIKE

  Even the highest in the land have to learn to live with the particular shape of their auditory nerves:

  FA Cup (UK playground slang 1990s) a person with protruding ears

  latch-lug’t (Cumberland) having ears which hang down instead of standing erect

  sowl (Tudor–Stuart 1607) to pull by the ears

  PEEPERS

  Eyes are more than mere features, they are extraordinary organs we should do our very best to look after:

  saccade (French 1953) the rapid jump made by the eye as it shifts from one object to another

  canthus (Latin 1646) the angle between the eyelids at the corner of the eye

  eyes in two watches (Royal Navy slang) of someone whose eyes appear to be moving independently of each other as a result of drunkenness or tiredness or both

  especially if there’s only one of them…

  half-a-surprise (UK slang late 19C) a single black eye

  seven-sided animal (18C riddle) a person with only one eye (they have a right side and a left side, a foreside and a backside, an outside, an inside and a blind side)

  CAKE HOLE

  The glabella (Latin 1598) is the gap between the eyebrows, and the philtrum (Latin 17C) the groove below the nose. But though the mouth below attracts such crude names as gob, gash and kisser, its features and actions are more delicately described:

  wikins (Lincolnshire) the corners of the mouth

  fipple (Scottish and Northern) the lower lip

  fissilingual (b.1913) having a forked tongue

  bivver (Gloucestershire) to quiver one’s lips

  mimp (1786) to speak in a prissy manner usually with pursed lips

  GNASHERS

  An evocative Australian expression describes teeth like a row of condemned houses. In this state, the only cure is to have them out and replaced with graveyard chompers, a Down Under phrase for false teeth, intriguingly similar to the Service slang dead man’s effects. But dental problems persist from the earliest night-time cries onwards:

  neg (Cornwall 1854) a baby’s tooth

  shoul (Shropshire) to shed the first teeth

  laser lips; metal mouth; tin grin (US campus slang 1970s) a wearer of braces

  gubbertushed (1621) having projecting teeth

  snag (Gloucestershire) a tooth standing alone

  CHEEK BY JOWL

  What face would be complete without all those interesting bits in between?

  joblocks (Shropshire) fleshy, hanging cheeks

  bucculent (1656) fat-cheeked and wide-mouthed

  pogonion (1897) the most projecting part of the midline of the chin

  prognathous (1836) having a jaw which extends past the rest of one’s face

  … not to mention other decorative

  surface additions:

  push (Tudor–Stuart) a pimple

  turkey eggs (Lincolnshire) freckles

  christened by the baker (late 18C) freckle-faced

  BOTTLING IT

  Having broad shoulders has generally been seen to be a good thing, both literally and metaphorically. Other shapes are for some reason considered less reliable:

  bible-backed (1857) round-shouldered, like one who is always poring over a book

  champagne shoulders (c.1860) sloping shoulders (from the likeness to the bottle’s shape)

  Coke-bottle shoulders (Royal Navy slang) shoulders possessed by those individuals who are unwilling to take responsibility in any matter (after its rounded shape)

  SINISTER

  Most of us are right-handed. Once again, it’s the odd ones out who get noticed, and not kindly. Left-handed people have been variously described as molly-dukered, corrie-fisted and skerry-handit (Scotland); car-handed, cack-handed and cowie-handed (North East); kay-fisted, kibbo, key-pawed and caggy-ont
(Lancashire); cuddy-wifter (Northumbria); kay-neeaved or dolly-posh (Yorkshire); keggy (East Midlands) and Marlborough-handed (Wiltshire); while awk (1440) is an old English word which means ‘with or from the left hand’ and thus the wrong way, backhanded, perverse or clumsy (hence awkward).

  PAWS

  But all hands are carefully observed, both for how they are and for what they’re doing:

  pugil (1576) what is carried between the thumb and two first fingers

  yepsen (14C) as much as the cupped hands will hold

  gowpins (Yorkshire) the two hands full when held together

  quobbled (Wiltshire) of a woman’s hands: shrivelled and wrinkled from being too long in the washtub

  clumpst (1388) of hands stiff with cold (hence clumsy)

  rope-hooky (UK nautical jargon late 19C) with fingers curled in (from years of handling ropes)

  … right down to the detail of specific digits:

  lik-pot (Middle English 1100–1500) the forefinger of the right hand

  mercurial finger (Tudor–Stuart) the little finger (as in palmistry it was assigned to Mercury)

  flesh-spades (Fielding: Tom Jones 1749) fingernails

  gifts (UK slang b.1811) small white specks under the fingernails, said to portend gifts or presents

  lirp (1548) to snap one’s fingers

  fillip (1543) a jerk of the finger let go from the thumb

  vig (Somerset) to rub a finger quickly and gently forwards and backwards

  JOHN THOMAS

  Further down are those parts often described as ‘private’, but subject also to any number of other euphemisms and nicknames:

  twiddle-diddles (b.1811) testicles

  melvin (US slang 1991) to grab by the testicles

  be docked smack smooth (mid 18C) to have had one’s penis amputated

  merkin (1617) counterfeit hair for women’s private parts

  hinchinarfer (late 19C) a grumpy woman (i.e. ‘inch-and-a-halfer’ referring to the length of the disgruntled woman’s husband’s penis)

  BUNS

  The Ancient Greek-derived word callipygian (1646) has long been used to describe shapely buttocks, while in US slang badonkadonk indicates a bottom of exceptional quality and bounce. Unfortunately, rather more ubiquitous are displays of a less appealing kind:

  working man’s smile (US slang) a builders’ bottom

  LEGS ELEVEN

  Below that, it’s good to have shapely stumps and elegant plates of meat, whatever the individual components look like:

  prayerbones (1900s) the knees

  baker’s knee (1784) a knee bent inwards (from carrying a heavy breadbasket on the right arm)

  Sciapodous (1798) having feet large enough to be used as a sunshade to shelter the whole body

  hallux (1831) a big toe

  NOISES OFF

  Cock-throppled (1617) describes one of those people whose Adam’s apple is largely developed; noop (1818) is Scottish dialect for the sharp point of the elbow; and both axilla (1616) and oxter (1597) are names for the armpit. But perhaps the oddest words of all are those describing the noises that bodies can make:

  yask (Shropshire) the sound made by a violent effort to get rid of something in the throat

  plapper (Banffshire) to make a soft noise with the lips

  borborygmus (1719) the rumbling, gurgling, growling sounds made by the stomach

  WORD JOURNEYS

  handsome (1435) easy to handle; then (1577) convenient; then (Samuel Johnson 1755) beautiful, with dignity

  fathom (Old English) the span of one’s outstretched arms

  shampoo (18C from Hindi) to massage the limbs

  complexion (from Latin) woven together; then (14C) the bodily constitution, the combination of the four humours

  cold shoulder (Medieval French) from a chateau guest who was served a cold shoulder of beef or mutton instead of hot meat, as a not-so gentle hint that he had overstayed his welcome

  PRICK-ME-DAINTY

  Clothes

  Under greasie clothes,

  are oft found rare virtues

  (1666)

  Even if you’re not, as the Australians say, as flash as a rat with a gold tooth, you can still make time to be well turned out:

  prick-me-dainty (1529) one that is finicky about dress; a dandy (of either sex)

  pavisand (Kipling: Simple Simon 1910) to flaunt opulent or expensive clothing or jewels in a peacock-like fashion

  flamfew (1580) a gaudily dressed female, whose chief pleasure consists of dress

  sashmaree (Yorkshire) an elderly female conspicuous for the quaintness of her finery

  UNMENTIONABLES

  Not that all clothes are inherently smart:

  cover-slut (1639) a clean apron over a dirty dress

  orphan collar (US b.1902) a collar unsuitable to the shirt with which it is worn

  stilt (Lincolnshire) to pull down and re-knit the feet of worn stockings or socks if the legs are still good

  coax (UK slang mid 18C) to hide a dirty or torn part of one’s stocking in one’s shoes

  apple-catchers (Herefordshire) outsized knickers (as one could use them for harvesting apples)

  SKIMPIES

  Garments that leave less to the imagination often attract greater interest:

  banana hammock (US slang) a very brief men’s swimsuit

  pasties (strip club jargon 1961) coverings worn over the nipples

  of a showgirl’s or topless dancer’s breasts (to comply with legal requirements for entertainers)

  budgie smugglers (Australian slang) tight-fitting swimming trunks

  TREWS

  But even slinging on a pair of trousers may not stop the ogling:

  like Edgware Road (UK slang 20C) a phrase describing tight trousers (because it’s got no ballroom either)

  continuations (1825) trousers (since they continued a Victorian male’s waistcoat in a direction too delicate to mention)

  galligaskins (1577) loose breeches

  spatterdashes (1687) coverings for the legs by which the wet is kept off (especially in riding)

  gravity-bags (Westmorland) the seat of the trousers

  yorks (Wales) the practice of tying colliers’ and other workmen’s trousers above the ankles to prevent dirt and dust from reaching the upper parts of the body

  GYM SHOES

  Here at home we mainly call them trainers these days. But around the country and the English-speaking world the slang varies widely. In Newcastle they’re known as sandshoes; in Liverpool gollies; in Bristol and into Wales daps; in Nottingham pumps; in London plimsolls; in Dublin whiteslippers; and in Belfast gutties. Other types of footwear vary widely:

  ferryboat (US 20C) a large, clumsy shoe

  cod-heads (Glasgow 1930s) shoes that have worn out at the toe

  done-promote (Jamaican English 1943) sandals made from worn out car tyres (i.e. one has been promoted from bare feet)

  excruciators (19C) very tight, pointed shoes (forerunners of the 20C winklepickers)

  KITTED OUT

  Some occupations leave little choice as to what you wear:

  lightning conductors (Royal Navy jargon) gold stripes running down the trouser seams of a Captain’s or Flag Officer’s Mess Dress uniform

  devil’s claw (c.1850) the broad arrow on convicts’ uniform

  fruit salad (Service slang) a large collection of medal ribbons which runs to three or more rows

  SUITS YOU

  There are all kinds of useful names for specific parts of clothing. Imagine how much easier life could be if you could define which pocket your keys are kept in or why exactly you have to turn down that fourth helping of turkey…

  gerve (US late 19C) the breast-pocket in a jacket

  britch (US late 19C) the inside jacket pocket

  coppish (Glamorgan) the part of the trousers that have buttons in front

  slave (US military slang) the part of a garment covering an arm only

  yule-hole (Scots b.1911) the last hole t
o which a man could stretch his belt at a Christmas feast

  REBELS IN BOATERS

  Boys at Winchester College developed a rich lingo to describe how they wore their uniform. You could sport…

  a fringe (1920) to allow the bottom of one’s gown to become tattered

  an advertisement (1892) to turn down the collar of a College gown to show the velvet

  an angle (1920) to wear your straw hat crooked

  Or more precisely:

  a halo (1920) to have your hat tilted like a halo so that the hair was showing in front

  PERUKE

  Looking round at all the shaven heads and brillos of today, perhaps men should consider a return to something that was once an essential accessory, even if the language used to describe it was somewhat less than heroic:

  cauliflower (1753) a large white wig, such as is worn by the dignified clergy and formerly by physicians

  dildo (1688) a cylindrical or ‘sausage’ curl on a wig

  caxon (1756) a worn-out wig

  Nazarene foretop (1785) the foretop of a wig made in imitation of Christ’s head of hair, as represented by the painters and sculptors

  TOPPING

  Or else, fly in the face of contemporary fashion and sport some other headgear:

  liripipe (1737) the long tail of a graduate’s hood