The Wonder of Whiffling Read online

  bulb (17C from Ancient Greek via Latin) an onion

  companion (18C from Latin) someone who eats bread with you

  CRAMBAZZLED

  Drink

  It’s all right to drink like a fish

  – if you drink what a fish drinks

  (1938)

  After your meal, what could be better than a cup of tea. Just make sure you’ve remembered to warm the pot and observe all the other niceties:

  to drown the miller to put too much water into tea (the supply of water is so great that even the miller, who uses a water wheel, is drowned with it)

  stranger (Sussex dialect) a single tea-leaf floating in a cup of tea

  laptea (US slang) a crowded tea party where guests sit in each other’s laps

  to smash the teapot (late 19C) to abandon one’s pledge of abstinence from alcohol (the symbolic rejection of tea as one’s sole liquid stimulant)

  DOWN AT THE OLD BULL AND BUSH

  In Britain the drinking of alcohol has always been, for better or worse, at the heart of the community. The Romans had tabernae (the origin of our word tavern), which turned into the Anglo-Saxon alehouses, where a brewer would put a green bush up on a pole when the ale was ready to drink:

  kiddleywink (1830) an unlicensed public house

  build a sconce (18C) to run up a large bill at a tavern especially when one has no intention of paying

  brendice (1673) a cup in which a person’s health is drunk

  spit chips (Australian slang 1901) extreme thirst (from the idea of having dry wood in your mouth)

  flairing (Sydney slang) the action of bartenders of balancing, catching, flipping, spinning or throwing bottles, glasses, napkins or straws with finesse and style

  MINE’S A NIPPITATUM

  The traditional pint comes in many forms:

  arms and legs (UK slang 19C) weak beer (i.e. a drink that has no body)

  nippitatum (1576) exceptionally strong beer

  barbed wire (Australian slang, Darwin) Four X beer (from the xxxx symbol)

  parson’s collar (1940s) the froth on top of a glass of beer

  neckum, sinkum and swankum (Berkshire) the three draughts into which a jug of beer is divided

  ON THE NAIL

  Though for refined types more Continental beverages may be preferred, whatever their quality:

  supernaculum (1592) the finest wine, which is so good it is drunk to the last drop, referring to the custom of turning over a drained glass and letting the last drop of wine fall onto the thumbnail (from the Latin ‘upon the nail’)

  butler’s perks (UK euphemism) opened but unfinished bottles of wine

  beeswing (1860) the scum found on the surface of aged wine

  balderdash (1611) adulterated wine

  PEARLY GATES

  The names of British pubs are not all that they seem – certainly if you’re looking at the picture on the sign hanging outside them. The Cat and Fiddle didn’t derive from a music-loving publican who kept cats, but is a corruption of Catherine le Fidèle, which refers to the faithfulness of Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII’s first wife. The Hope and Anchor comes from the Biblical text ‘We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope’; The Cross Keys is the symbol of St Peter, the gatekeeper of heaven; and The Royal Oak commemorates the tree that hid Charles II from Oliver Cromwell’s forces after his defeat at Worcester.

  LAST GASPER

  In Tudor times drink actually meant to smoke tobacco, something you could once do inside the bar. Now the misocapnists (1839), those who hate the smell of smoke, are in charge, so that’s a pleasure restricted to the pavements outside:

  smirting (US slang New York) flirting between people who are smoking cigarettes outside a pub, office etc.

  vogueress (Polari slang) a female smoker

  casablanca (Tommies’ slang 1914–18) the last one, especially of cigarettes

  doofer (workmen’s slang b.1935) half a cigarette

  toss the squares (US black slang) to pass a packet of cigarettes

  whiffler (1617) a smoker of tobacco

  JUST THE ONE

  Take it or leave it, boozing is a serious business:

  cagg (UK military slang b.1811) a solemn vow or resolution used by private soldiers not to get drunk for a certain time

  parson palmer (late 18C) a term of reproach, to one who stops the decanter circulating by preaching over his liquor (as was done by a parson of that name whose cellar was under his pulpit)

  duffifie (Aberdeenshire) to lay a bottle on its side for some time, after its contents have been poured out, so that it may be completely drained of the few drops remaining

  SPEAKEASY

  Just make sure your companions understand the importance of paying their way:

  to raddle someone’s toe (Australian late 19C) to request someone to buy a round of drinks

  twizzling (Sussex) spinning a pointer on a pub ceiling to decide who should buy the next round

  decorate the mahogany (Hobo slang) to buy the drinks; to line the bar with thirsty throats and brimming glasses

  shot-clog (1599) an unwelcome drinking companion tolerated because he pays for the drinks

  DRINK AND BE MERRY?

  Soon, if you’re not exactly zig-zag – Tommies’ slang from the First World War for the state where it’s impossible to walk in a straight line – the booze will certainly be making itself felt:

  hozzy nozzy (Rutland) not quite drunk

  bleezed (Scotland 19C) the state of one on whom intoxicating liquor begins to operate: especially describing the change produced in one’s facial expression

  cherubimical (Benjamin Franklin 1737) benevolently drunk

  tenant in tail (mid 17C) one whose drunkenness promotes indiscriminate displays of affection

  whiffled (P. G.Wodehouse: Meet Mr Mulliner 1927) drunk

  FROM SHEEP TO SOW

  In Lincolnshire they marked out four distinct phases of intoxication. A man was sheep drunk when he was merry and easily handled; then lion drunk when he was brave and boastful; ape drunk when he got up to silly, irresponsible tricks; and finally sow drunk when he fell to the ground in an alcoholic stupor.

  TWO TOO MANY

  Sailors are legendary for their drinking prowess but watch out for these two:

  admiral of the narrow seas (early 17C) a drunkard who vomits over his neighbour

  vice admiral of the narrow seas (1811) a drunken man that pisses under the table into his companions’ shoes

  THE MOURNING AFTER

  Being drunk means never having to say you’re sorry, until the next morning of course when you forswear alcohol for tea again:

  take a sheep-bed (Wiltshire) to lie down like a sheep to sleep in a grass-field, till one is sober

  woofits (1918) a hangover; a vague unwell feeling; a headache; a moody depression

  gunfire (Service slang) early morning tea (because it often has to be of considerable strength to counteract a bad head)

  to feel as if a cat had kitten’d in one’s mouth (16C) to feel the nauseous after-effects of drinking

  crambazzled (Yorkshire) prematurely aged through drink and a dissolute life

  WORD JOURNEYS

  bonkers (early 20C) slightly tipsy

  tobacconist (16C) a tobacco smoker

  grape (11C from Old French) a hook for gathering fruit; then a cluster of fruit growing together

  stale (13C) old and strong (applied to wine and ale having stood long enough to clear of sediment)

  FOOTER-FOOTER

  Taking off

  A traveller must have the backe of an asse to beare all, a tung like the taile of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hogge to eate what is set before him, the eare of a merchant to heare all and say nothing

  (1594)

  Going for a walk is the quintessential English form of relaxation; but there are many varieties within the basic idea of putting one foot in front of another…

  mantle (Lincolnshire) to walk aimlessly
up and down with short steps

  starp (North East) to walk with long strides

  footer-footer (Scotland 1894) to walk in an affected mincing manner

  nuddle (Suffolk) to walk alone with the head held low

  slochet (Bedfordshire 1809) to walk with shoes nearly falling off the feet

  festination (1878) walking faster and faster involuntarily

  … and sometimes it can all seem a bit too much:

  pouff (Banffshire) the act of walking with a heavy step, especially through weariness

  plout (North East) to struggle to walk

  surbater (1633) someone who tires another person out by walking

  hox (Gloucestershire) to knock the feet together while walking

  dot and go one (b.1811) to waddle: of people with one leg shorter than the other

  darby-roll (19C) a style of walking that betrays an individual’s experience of fetters and thus time spent in prison

  BONE-BREAKER

  So why not take up that efficient, ecological and highly fashionable way of getting around – just be sure not to flirt with its dangers:

  croggie (UK school slang 2003) a ride of the crossbar or handlebars of another rider’s bicycle

  blackadder (West Scotland playground slang) the action of allowing a bike to continue its journey without a rider (usually performed at the top of hills on either old, borrowed or stolen bikes)

  endo (US slang San Francisco 1987) a bicycling accident in which the rider is thrown over the handlebars

  SMIDSY (cyclists’ acronym) Sorry Mate, I Didn’t See You

  acrobrat (UK playground slang 1970s) a kid who attaches poles to the front axle of his bike so he can bounce up and down on the front wheel

  GO CART

  Once upon a time more substantial vehicles moved slowly and with difficulty:

  unicorn (1785) a coach drawn by three horses, two abreast and one in the lead

  timwhisky (1764) a light carriage for one or two people, pulled by one or two horses

  quarter (Shropshire) to drive a cart in a lane with deep ruts, in such a way as to keep each wheel clear of them

  to hunt the squirrel (18C) for two coachmen to attempt to upset each other’s vehicles as they race along a public road (veering from side to side like a frightened squirrel)

  Now the opposite is too often the case:

  garyboy (East Anglia slang 1995) a male who drives a car usually noticeable by its sporty appearance and souped up engine

  swoop and squat (US slang 2005) to pull in front of another vehicle and slam on the brakes, deliberately causing an accident to collect the insurance money

  chawbuckswar (Anglo-Indian) a rough rider

  TICKET TO RIDE

  Not that you need to have your own transport to get around:

  fly canaries (underworld slang 1945) to pass off used tram tickets as new ones

  monkey board (mid 19C) the step on the bus on which the conductor stands

  hong! and midor! (UK transport workers’ jargon) ‘hurry along’ and ‘mind the doors’

  Cinderella fare (US cabdrivers’ slang) people left behind on the platform when the last train leaves late at night

  I SPY

  Travelling piquet (1785–1840) was one way bored travellers amused themselves when riding together in a carriage. Scores were given for people and objects passing by on their side of the carriage, as follows:

  a man or woman walking = 1

  a horseman = 2

  a post chaise = 5

  a flock of geese = 10

  a flock of sheep = 20

  a man with a woman behind him = 30

  a man, woman and child, in a buggy = 40

  a cat looking out of a window = 60

  an old woman under a hedge = game won

  a parson riding a grey horse with blue tack = game won

  GRICER’S DAUGHTER

  Let’s not forget those who are happy just to watch. Trainspotters may be mocked by the outside world, but they don’t take criticism lying down: the language of gricing is notable for its acidic descriptions of outsiders.

  bert the majority of people on trains, only interested in getting from A to B

  insects occasional railway enthusiasts who swarm at certain times of year

  kettle basher someone obsessed with steam engines (looked on as an effete sentimentalist)

  baglet a woman, generally looked upon with unfriendliness. Gricers are invariably male. Worst of all women is The Baglet – Lady Thatcher, whose reluctance to travel by train was legendary and who set the privatization of British Rail in progress

  ELSEWHERE

  Hopefully you will arrive safely at your destination. Though some places, traditionally, have been more euphemistic than real. You could go to…

  Jericho (late 18C) to become drunk

  Bath (mid 17C) to take up life as a beggar

  Chicago (US late 19C) to run away, especially to avoid one’s debts

  Copenhagen (1950s) to have a sex operation

  the Bahamas (US slang) to be sent to solitary confinement

  Peckham (early 19 C) to sit down to eat

  WORD JOURNEYS

  muddle (17C) to wallow in mud

  walk (from German) to press cloth, knead or roll paste; then (Old English) to roll, toss, move about

  insult (16C from Latin) to leap upon; then (16C) to glory or triumph over

  random (15C) great speed, violence; then (17C) of a shot: haphazard, without purpose, fired at any range other than point blank

  MUTTONERS AND GOLDEN FERRETS

  Sport

  Sport is sweetest when

  there be no lookers on

  (1616)

  Sport has always been a part of British national life. In the beginning were the informal games that anyone could play anywhere:

  way-zaltin (Somerset) a game in which two persons standing back to back interlace each other’s arms and by bending forward alternately raise each other from the ground

  hot cockles (1580) a rustic game in which one player lay face downwards, or knelt down with his eyes covered, and being struck by the others in turn, guessed who struck him

  hinch-pinch (1603) a game where one person hits another softly, then the other player hits back with a little more force, and each subsequent blow in turn is harder, until it becomes a real fight

  IN TOUCH

  Many of our best-known sports started life in similar fashion. The earliest games of football involved one village taking on another, in violent, daylong combats where broken legs and bruised heads were common. Current slang reveals that underneath, perhaps, little has changed:

  blaggudy (Wales) rough, dirty (especially of a football or rugby team)

  clogger (UK slang 1970) a soccer player who regularly injures other players

  sprig-stomping (New Zealand 1993) the deliberate stamping with studded boots on a recumbent rugby opponent

  falling leaf a long-range shot in football which sees the ball change direction radically in the course of its flight

  spaghetti-legs routine a goalkeeper’s trick employed to distract a penalty taker

  SECONDS AWAY

  Another of our oldest sports had similar rough-and-tumble beginnings:

  clow (Winchester 19C) a box on the ear

  glass jaw (US slang 1940) of a boxer with an inability to withstand a punch to the chin

  haymaker (1912) an unrestrained punch usually leading to a knockout, whereby the fist is swung wide in an arc

  claret christening (b.1923) the first blood that flows in a boxing match

  waterboy (US police slang 1930s) a boxer who can be bribed or coerced into losing for gambling purposes

  FROM LAND’S END TO BROADWAY

  Wrestling, too, has become less violent and more theatrical over the years, with a terminology that dates back to its origins, supplemented by more recent slang from around the world…

  falx (Tudor–Stuart) a grip round the small of the back

  C
ornish hug a hug that causes one to be thrown over (Cornish men were famous wrestlers)

  sugarbagging the tossing of an opponent onto the canvas as if he were a bag of sugar

  whizzer an arm lock trapping one’s arm against the opponent’s body from a position behind him

  potato (US slang 1990) a real hit that injures, as opposed to an orchestrated, harmless one

  jobber a wrestler whose primary function is losing to better-known wrestlers

  broadway a drawn result (so-called because, ideally, the result makes both men bigger stars)

  OVER AND OUT

  Another quintessentially English game has a host of extraordinary terms, from the yorker (a ball pitched directly at the batsman’s feet) to silly mid-off (a fielding position close to and in front of the batsman). Other words have fallen out of fashion:

  muttoner (Winchester College 1831) a blow from a cricket ball on the knuckles, the bat being at the time clasped by them

  slobber (1851) to fail to grasp the cricket ball cleanly in fielding

  bowl a gallon (Eton College c.1860) to get a hat-trick (the bowler then earned a gallon of beer)

  TO THE 19TH

  For the more senior sportsman, another gentler but equally demanding game with British (well Scottish, strictly) roots has been successfully exported around the world. First comes the teeing off, with all the problems that that entails: