The Wonder of Whiffling Read online

  I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s son. I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes

  Some short words or phrases ‘become’ tongue-twisters when repeated, a number of times fast:

  Thin Thing

  French Friend

  Red Leather, Yellow Leather

  Unique New York

  Sometimes Sunshine

  Irish Wristwatch

  Big Whip

  CLEVER CLOGS

  But let’s not go too far. Nothing, surely is worse than those people who put on airs and graces…

  nosism (1829) the use of the royal ‘we’ in speaking of oneself

  peel eggs (c.1860) to stand on ceremony

  gedge (Scotland 1733) to talk idly with stupid gravity

  godwottery (1939) the affected use of archaic language

  … or claim to know more than they do:

  ultracrepidarian (1819) one who makes pronouncements on topics beyond his knowledge

  raw-gabbit (Scotland 1911) speaking confidently on a subject of which one is ignorant

  to talk like the back of a cigarette card (UK slang 1930s) to pretend to greater knowledge than one has (the cards carried a picture on the front and a description or potted biography on the back)

  MANNER OF SPEAKING

  All’s fair in love and war, but a good classical education provides a conversational armoury that is hard to match:

  diasyrm (1678) a rhetorical device of damning with faint praise

  sermocination (1753) a speaker who quickly answers his own question

  paraleipsis (Ancient Greek 1586) mentioning something by saying you won’t mention it

  eutrapely (1596) pleasantness in conversation (one of the seven virtues enumerated by Aristotle)

  IRONY IN THE SOUL

  Other tricks can leave the Average Joe standing…

  charientism (1589) an insult so gracefully veiled as to seem unintended

  asteism (1589) polite and ingenuous mockery

  to talk packthread (b.1811) to use indecent language well hidden, as a tinker carefully folds and tucks thread back away into his pack of goods

  vilipend (1529) verbally to belittle someone

  … and make the rest of us look like idiots:

  onomatomania (1895) vexation in having difficulty in finding the right word

  palilalia (1908) a speech disorder characterized by the repetition of words, phrases or sentences

  verbigeration (1886) the repetition of the same word or phrase in a meaningless fashion (as a symptom of mental disease)

  WORD JOURNEYS

  Originally these common words and phrases meant something very different:

  constipate (16C from Latin) to crowd together into a narrow room

  anthology (17C from Ancient Greek) a collection of flowers

  round robin (17C) a petition of protest whose signatures were originally arranged in a circle so that no name headed the list and no one person seemed to be the author (the robin does not refer to the bird but to the French rond for round and ruban for ribbon)

  costume (18C) manners and customs belonging to a particular time and place

  STICKYBEAK

  Character

  Let him that would be happy for a day, go to the barber; for a week, marry a wife; for a month, buy him a new horse; for a year, build him a new house; for all his life time, be an honest man

  (1662)

  According to legal statute an idiot is an individual with an IQ of less than 20, an imbecile between 21 and 49 and a moron between 50 and 70. As you cast around for insults it may be worth remembering these categories. But then again, the English language has never been short of slurs for the stupid. Historically, you could have been a clumperton (mid 16C), a dull-pickle or a fopdoodle (both 17C); and more recently, two ants short of a picnic, two wafers short of a communion or even a few vouchers short of a pop-up toaster.

  Over the centuries, some other fine reproaches have included:

  doddypoll (1401) a hornless cow, hence a fool

  jobbernowl (1599) a blockhead

  slubberdegullion (1616) a dirty, wretched slob

  goostrumnoodle (Cornwall 1871) a stupid person, a fool

  LOOSE KANGAROOS

  Australians, in particular, specialize in scorn for the intellectually challenged. In the 1950s you could have been as mad (or silly) as a cut snake, a hatful of worms or a Woolworth’s watch. More recently, in the 1980s, you might have been a couple of tinnies short of a slab or a few snags short of a barbie (where a tinnie is a beer can, a slab is a stack of cans and a snag is a sausage). Then again, a real idiot or drongo couldn’t blow the froth off a glass of beer, knock the skin off a rice-pudding, pick a seat at the pictures, find a grand piano in a one-roomed house, or tell the time if the town-hall clock fell on them. Other memorable expressions of Antipodean scorn include there’s a kangaroo loose in the top paddock and the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

  MEN OF STRAW

  Fools can often be enthusiastic in their idiocy. Arguably more irritating are those whose marbles are all present, but who somehow just lack the drive:

  dardledumdue (Norfolk 1893) a person without energy

  maulifuff (Scotland) a young woman who makes a lot of fuss but accomplishes very little

  gongoozler (1904) an idle person who stands staring for prolonged periods at anything unusual

  mulligrubs (1599) a state of depression of spirits

  accidie (Old French c.1230) spiritual torpor, world weariness

  WHAT NOW?

  Other types it’s as well to steer clear of include the mean…

  chinchin (Middle English 1100–1500) to be stingy

  stiff (hotel trade jargon) any customer that fails to leave a tip

  the moaning…

  crusty-gripes (1887) a grumbler

  choowow (Fife) to grumble, a grudge

  forplaint (1423) tired by complaining so much

  the nosey…

  quidnunc (1709) a person who always wants to know what is going on (from Latin: ‘what now’ )

  stickybeak (New Zealand 1937) an inquisitive person; also the nose of a nosy-parker

  pysmatic (1652) interrogatory, always asking questions or inquiring

  the elusive…

  didapper (1612) someone who disappears and then pops up again

  whiffler (1659) one who uses shifts and evasions in argument

  kinshens (Scotland 1870) an evasive answer: ‘I don’t know, I cannot tell’

  salt one up (US slang) to tell a different lie when covering up something

  salvo (1659) a false excuse; an expedient to save a reputation or soothe hurt feelings

  the unattractive…

  farouche (Horace Walpole 1765) sullen, shy and repellent in manner

  yahoo (Swift: Gulliver’s Travels 1726) a crude or brutish person

  ramstamphish (Scotland 1821) rough, blunt, unceremonious; forward and noisy

  the tedious…

  meh (US slang popularized by The Simpsons) boring, apathetic or unimpressive

  whennie (UK current slang) a person who bores listeners with tales of past exploits

  and the just plain impossible…

  quisquous (Scotland 1720) hard to handle, ticklish

  utzy (LA slang 1989) uncomfortable, bothered, uneasy

  argol-bargolous (1822) quarrelsome, contentious about trifles

  camstroudgeous (Fife) wild, unmanageable, obstinate, perverse

  whiffling (1613) trifling, pettifogging, fiddling

  TWO GENTLEMEN

  In the early nineteenth century two gentlemen in particular were to be avoided. Though both types persist, social developments may mean we may see more of the second than the first these days. A gentleman of three ins was ‘in gaol, indicted, and in danger of being hanged in chains’. While a gentleman of three outs was ‘without money, without wit, and without manners’.

  HIGH HAT

  Foppish, co
nceited behaviour – once known as coxcombical (1716) – seems too to be a persistently male trait:

  jackanapes (Northern 1839) a conceited, affected, puppyish young man

  princock (1540) a pert, forward, saucy boy; a conceited young man

  flapadosha (Yorkshire) an eccentric, showy person with superficial manners

  WITCH’S BROOM

  Women, by contrast, have come in for all kinds of criticism:

  mackabroin (1546) a hideous old woman

  Xanthippe (1596) an ill-tempered woman, a shrew (after Socrates’s wife)

  cantlax (Westmoreland) a silly, giddy woman

  termagant (1659) a violent, brawling, quarrelsome woman

  bungo-bessy (Jamaican 1940) a woman whose busybody qualities are considered highly undesirable

  criss-miss (West Indian 1950s) a pretentious woman who overestimates her abilities, charms and allure

  YUPPIES

  Everyone’s so used to the word yuppie now that they forget that only twenty-five years ago it was a brand new acronym for Young Urban Professional. Here are some other acronyms coined subsequently to that famous first:

  SPURMO a Straight, Proud, Unmarried Man Over 30

  SADFAB Single And Desperate For A Baby

  CORGI a Couple Of Really Ghastly Individuals

  SITCOM Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

  KIPPERS Kids In Parental Property Eroding Retirement Savings

  SKIERS Spending their Kids Inheritance (on travel, health and leisure activities)

  SLYBOOTS

  Better, perhaps, those who assume airs than those who seem straightforward but aren’t:

  janjansy (Cornwall 1888) a two-faced person

  accismus (Medieval Latin 1753) feigning lack of interest in something while actually desiring it

  mouth-honour (G. B. Shaw: Major Barbara 1907) civility without sincerity

  mawworm (1850) a hypocrite with delusions of sanctity

  Podsnap (from the character in Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend 1864) a complacent, self-satisfied person who refuses to face unpleasant facts

  skilamalink (East London slang late 19C) secret, shady

  REGULAR GUY

  Such characters make one long for that remarkable thing: the straightforward, decent, or just thoroughly good person…

  rumblegumption (Burns: letter 1787) common sense

  pancreatic (1660) fully disciplined or exercised in mind, having a universal mastery of accomplishments

  towardliness (1569) a good disposition towards something, willingness, promise, aptness to learn

  Rhadamanthine (Thackeray: Paris Sketchbook 1840) strictly honest and just (Rhadamanthus, Zeus’s half-human son, was made a judge of the souls of the dead due to his inflexible integrity)

  … this is someone we all want to spend time with, and stay loyal to…

  wine (Old English) a friend

  bully (Geordie) a brother, comrade

  bread-and-cheese friend (Sussex) a true friend as distinguished from a cupboard-lover (a personal attachment that appears to be motivated by love but stems from the hope of gain)

  WORD JOURNEYS

  amnesty (16C from Ancient Greek) forgetfulness, oblivion

  nice (13C from Latin nescire: to be ignorant) foolish; then (14C) coy, shy; then (16C) fastidious, precise; then (18C) agreeable, delightful

  obnoxious (16C from Latin) exposed to harm

  generous (16C from Latin via Old French) nobly born

  GOING POSTAL

  Emotions

  Be not too sad of thy sorrow, of thy joy be not too glad

  (c.1450)

  Throughout the world the British were once famed for their stiff upper lip; but is this sort of imperturbability really no more than a paper-thin façade for some extremely strong feelings beneath?

  ugsomeness (1440) loathing

  jump salty (US slang 1996) to become angry

  brain (Middle English 1100–1500) furious

  throw sarcasm (Jamaican English 1835) to relieve one’s emotions by speaking out about one’s dislike for or sense of grievance against another

  unbosom (1628) to disclose one’s personal thoughts or feelings

  HOPPING MAD

  It’s now generally agreed that it’s better to let it all out than keep it in:

  dudgeon (1597) a resentful anger (dudgeon was a wood used to make dagger hilts)

  mumpish (1721) sullenly angry; depressed in spirits

  wooden swearing (US slang b.1935) showing anger by acts of violence or roughness, as in knocking furniture about

  go postal (US slang 1986) to lose your temper, behave with irrational violence, especially as a result of workplace stress (from a postal worker who killed fourteen fellow employees and wounded six before shooting himself)

  JESUS WEPT

  Tears, too, are regarded as a good thing these days. But it doesn’t stop them sometimes making for a kankedort (Chaucer: Troylus 1374) an awkward situation:

  gowl (c.1300) to weep bitterly or threateningly

  skirllie-weeack (Banffshire) to cry with a shrill voice

  grizzle (1842) to fret, sulk; to cry in a whining or whimpering fashion

  sinsorg (Anglo-Saxon) perpetual grief

  bubble (Geordie) to weep

  BRING ME SUNSHINE

  Luckily sunshine eventually follows rain. Words describing happiness offer fascinating barometers into history. For instance, the Old English word for joy, dream, also describes music and ecstasy – an intriguing view into the mind-frame of our ancestors…

  froligozene (Tudor–Stuart) rejoice! be happy!

  fleshment (Shakespeare: King Lear 1605) excitement from a first success

  felicificability (1865) capacity for happiness

  macarism (mid 19C) taking pleasure in another’s joy

  maffick (1900) to rejoice with an extravagant and boisterous public celebration

  kef (1808) a state of voluptuous dreaminess, full of languid contentment (originally used to describe the effects of opium)

  MAKE ’EM LAUGH

  We can’t all be a grinagog (1565), one who is always grinning. But the contrast is all the better when we do finally get to see the funny side:

  cachinnate (1824) to laugh loudly and immoderately

  winnick (Lincolnshire) to giggle and laugh alternatively

  snirtle (1785) to laugh in a quiet or restrained manner

  popjoy (1853) to amuse oneself

  goistering (Sussex) loud feminine laughter

  HA HA BONK

  Humour is often cruel. At the heart of slapstick are a series of jokes that amuse only those who set them up:

  press ham (US college slang 1950s) to press a bare buttock against a window and shock passers-by

  squelch-belch (Winchester College 1920) a paper bag of water dropped from an upper window onto people below

  to catch the owl (late 18C) to play a trick on an innocent countryman, who is decoyed into a barn under the pretext of catching an owl: when he enters, a bucket of water is poured on his head

  tiddley-bumpin’ (Lincolnshire) tapping on a window pane with a button on a length of cotton secured to the frame by a pin (a device used by boys to annoy neighbours)

  pigeon’s milk (1777) an imaginary article for which children are sent on a fool’s errand (traditionally on April 1st)

  squashed tomatoes (1950s) a game that involves knocking on a door and then rushing away as the homeowner answers it (also known as knock down ginger (England and Canada), ding-dong ditch (US), chappy (Scotland), dolly knock (Ireland)

  WORD JOURNEYS

  jest (13C from Latin and French) a deed or exploit; then (15C) idle talk

  engine (13C from Latin via Old French) contrivance, artifice; then (14C) genius

  frantic (14C) insane

  negotiate (16C from Latin) ill at ease; not at leisure

  to have a chip on one’s shoulder (US 19C) of a custom in which a boy who wanted to give vent to his feelings placed a chip of wood o
n his shoulder in order to challenge any boy who dared to knock it off

  TWIDDLE-DIDDLES

  Body language

  Keep the head and feet warm,

  and the rest will take nae harm

  (1832)

  In the developed world these days, one of the greatest concerns is being overweight, whether you are an adult or a child. But the evidence of language is that not being thin is hardly a new thing. Nor are people’s reactions:

  fubsy (1780) being chubby and somewhat squat

  flodge (Banffshire) a big, fat, awkward person

  ploffy (Cornwall 1846) plump; also soft and spongy

  pursy (Scotland) short-breathed and fat

  fustilug (1607) a fat sloppy woman

  five by five (North American black 1930s) a short fat man (i.e. his girth is the same as his height)

  CHUBBY CHOPS

  It’s not just the whole but the parts that get labelled. In the UK people talk about bingo wings for flabby upper arms, a muffin top to describe that unsightly roll of flesh above tight jeans, a buffalo hump for an area of fat in the upper back and cankles for ankles so thick that they have no distinction from the calf. Over the pond recent slang is just as critical:

  bat wings flabby undersides of the upper arms

  banana fold fat below the buttocks

  chubb fat around the kneecaps