Love After Loss Read online

  “Sorry Carlitos, I gotta work tonight.” I hated when he called me that. I know I’m on the shorter side but I still didn’t like it to be brought to my attention.

  “Lame, who will keep me company?” I whined.

  “Why don’t you ask your new boy toy?”

  No way I was going to ask him to come over right after I had just seen him break down in tears, even if he was the new object of my desire. Like I hadn’t thought of that already anyway. The whole purpose for me going over there was to thank him for the delicious soup and invite him to come over later. He was obviously not in the same mind frame as me so that didn’t work.

  “I think I’ll let him be tonight.” I said to Pat with a wink. I couldn’t let Pat know about my uncomfortable brush with Damien.

  Patrick got in the shower to get ready for work and I curled back up into a ball on our couch wrapping myself in a warm blanket and switching on the TV to cartoons. Cartoons always comforted me when I was a child and they still did, especially when I was sick. The pills Damien had given me were definitely working. I was thankful for this, but still had no energy to spare. Patrick left for work just before the sun went down and I started to nod off.

  A few hours later I woke up disorientated in my new house and unaware of the time. I rubbed my swollen face standing up and shaking out my head. I went to reach for my phone to check the time when I heard a knock at the door. I blinked a few times in confusion and opened the door squinting from the street lights and trying to focus my eyes on who was in front of me at the same time.

  Oh shit! My head jumped back into gear when I realized it was Damien standing in my doorway.

  “Hey,” he said and added an awkward little hand movement. He looked slightly embarrassed.

  “Hi,” I smiled at him in hopes to make him feel more comfortable.

  “Listen, I just wanted to explain myself for before.” He said shyly without looking me in the eyes. I nodded back at him smiling. “I’m just having a hard time right now, dealing with some things, you know?” He stammered a little and bobbed his head from side to side.

  “Of course. You don’t have to justify yourself.” I said that, but inside I was dying to know what it was all about.

  “You probably already mentioned it to Patrick but—“

  “Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything.” I told him before he could finish.

  “Oh ok, cool.” Damien’s look of relief made me happy that I hadn’t said anything to Patrick.

  “Did you want to come in? I was just about to make some tea.” I smiled. Excited I was given this opportunity to invite him in after all. Back in the game, I thought.

  “Ah…Err…I’m kind of b—“

  “Come on, it’s just a cup of tea.” I looked at him with hopeful eyes.

  “Sorry Carlos. I’ll take a rain check.” He confirmed his invitation decline with a head nod then spun on his heel towards his apartment.

  That hurt. Maybe I wasn’t back in the game. Maybe I was just too brain washed with all the American monogamy happening around me and I was starting to become delusional and picking up imaginary scents. It probably had just been the soup that let off that rich chocolaty aroma.

  I composed myself from the rejection. “No worries, next time.” Then somehow mustered up the dignity to still throw in a wink at the end. I watched him walk away and disappear behind his door. I sulked back into my dark house putting on the pot of tea I had been hoping would be for two. Maybe this new conquest would be harder than I had thought.

  6

  Damien

  I needed to go and explain myself to Carlos. The last thing I wanted was for my new living situation to become awkward. More importantly I didn’t want Carlos to think I was a freak, but he hadn’t seemed too bothered by my episode, which offered some relief. He even asked me if I wanted to have tea with him. I had to say no, though. I couldn’t risk having him prying with questions I couldn’t answer. It had been so long since I had had an episode I wouldn’t even know what to tell him if he had asked.

  I kicked off my shoes in my house and lay down on my bed. Alone again, memories began filling my mind. What was going on? After almost ten years without PTSD why was it coming back now? I had been diagnosed shortly after my leave about 15 years ago when I was stationed in Vilseck, Germany.

  I had been through many years of therapy and after moving back to the States and starting a new job I had been free from the fleeting memories that terrorized my mind. I didn’t understand why all of a sudden they began to invade my mind once again.

  I stood up to reheat another batch of soup. I thought of Carlos, maybe he would like some more as well. I shouldn’t have brushed off his offer of tea so quickly. After all, misery loves company and what a better way to ignore the past than to enjoy your present. I opened the door to our shared deck when his smell hit me like a ton of bricks. His smell; Carlos’s spicy smell was too familiar. I stepped back inside my house. Just like that I realized why my PSTD was returning so abruptly.

  I took a deep breath. This was a curveball I did not see coming. I had given up the idea of ever finding a mate again and there was no way I was expecting it to happen with a 20-something year old neighbor boy who was still in university. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe my sense of smell was off from being sick?

  I thought back to my first year in the military, I had been young and stupid and madly in love. I was a private and Anthony was a specialist. We were stationed in the same base camp and had become infatuated with one another as soon as we caught scents.

  We knew we were mates instantly. I had planned to leave the army as soon as Anthony was given leave. The Army prohibited relationships amongst one another, especially ones that took place within the same base. The only time we could spend together was during his heat. We would meet at a heat house a couple times a year where we would spend a passionate romance together until his heat ended and we would return to living in secret.

  The german heat house provided to us in the army was by no means luxury. Nothing like some of the ones those fancy tech companies provided for their employees, like the Hamilton Fusion System’s heat house. This place was dark and dingy with small rooms, bad porn, and no amenities. None of that mattered though. It was where we would make love and where we fell in love.

  The room spun as I retraced the steps of my past life, and past lover. Anthony had been my omega for almost six years. One last mission for special intelligence with NATO and he would be given leave. We were finally going to move and start our family.

  The mission was supposed to be quick and simple. The last step before we could live in freedom with no more secrets. I waited weeks and months for him to return but he never came back.

  Tears started to fall from my eyes and frustration started to build. I never knew what happened or why he didn’t come back. Rumors circled throughout our base and through the units, but no one could tell me exactly why or even where he had gone. My mate was gone, my heart was empty and I never had the chance to imprint our love.

  The years passed and I never accepted his disappearance, but I had moved on and it was time to move onto someone else as well. Even though it had been years since I had slept with anyone and my last and only partner had been Anthony, the overwhelming scent of Carlos was too much to bear. The feelings that bombarded my body and the sensations that started to illuminate gave me the chills. I sat in my room, just one wall away from Carlos. It may be time to move on but I wasn’t ready to start feeling this way just quite yet, no matter what his scent was telling me.

  I packed up the rest of my soup and wondered how on earth I was going to avoid my new neighbor for the rest of my life or at least until these feelings passed. I picked up my phone and made a call to my therapist.

  Hey Dr. Riley, It’s Damien. I’m starting to remember…ah…him…and well I…well I’d like to see you. Please give me a call back to schedule an appointment. Thanks.

  I hung up. I felt slightly better knowing I had someon
e I could talk to. If nothing else, I’m sure she could prescribe me some sort of anti-Viagra that made my knot inactive and turned my nose sensor off.

  7

  Carlos

  A couple days had passed and I still hadn’t seen Damien. My nose was still stuffed, and I was feeling worse than ever. I even had to call in sick from work. I was, however, secretly ecstatic that I was able to stay home and linger in my apartment all day hoping to ‘run into’ my sexy new neighbor.

  I would put on cute pajama bottoms with no shirt and wear them real low on my hips while sipping my tea on the deck in the afternoons. I would lean up against the railing and yawn, stretching, and exposing my toned body as much as possible whenever I heard the slightest noise coming from his direction. I’d bend over and water our potted plants if I heard a door open, but still no sign of him anywhere.

  Patrick laughed at me. “Give it up Carlos. Don’t you think he would be doing the same if he was remotely into you?”

  I agreed with him but still, I was used to always getting what I wanted. I was not used to the idea of a man turning me down. I tried to think of all the reasons he was ignoring me. He already had a mate? No, because surely I would have seen him. He’d been working a lot? No, because Patrick would have told me. Sick relative? Possibly.

  “Pat! I don’t understand! Why doesn’t he love me yet?” I was beginning to drive Pat crazy with all my questions. I was constantly asking if Damien had been at work that day. Because if he wasn’t at home or work he was somewhere else and I wanted to know where. My stomach flip-flopped at the thought of him with another man.

  “Maybe because he’s like one hundred years older than you Carlos, and he’s just not interested.” Patrick was not afraid of telling me the brutal truth.

  “But I think I really like him. His scent was different, I swear. And you can’t fake that, can you?” I was pleading with him even though I knew perfectly well Patrick had no idea what his boss did with his spare time.

  “I don’t know who’s scent you smelled, Carlitos, but I really can’t help you here.”

  I slumped down on the sofa in defeat. I was too sick to act on anything anyways. There was no way I could be sensually seductive while blowing my nose and coughing all over him at the same time. I just wanted him so badly the more I thought about him, and the less I saw of him the more attractively unattainable he became.

  It was a Monday, six days later. It was raining heavily, which was strange for San Bernardino. The forecast called for the weather to remain heavy with showers with thunderstorms all week. I was still wrapped in my blanket like I had been for the past week, lousy with the sniffles. It was Patrick’s day off and he was cooking a big stew for me. We were cracking jokes at my pathetic attempts to try and get Damien to notice me all week despite him actually being around us when we heard footsteps walking across our deck towards our propped open door.

  “Shhh!” I franticly hushed Patrick in fear he might be listening to our ridiculous conversation through the crack in our door.

  There was a knock and then a head popped into our apartment. It was Damien. My fever began to rise at the sight of him. I started to blush uncontrollably. There was too much pressure after not seeing him for a week. I tried to think of something clever to say but nothing came out. Patrick started speaking before my mind could even process the fact he was standing right in front of me.

  “What’s up?”

  God, so simple! Why didn’t I think of that?

  “Hey guys,” Damien seemed to avoid eye contact with me. “How are you doing?” I couldn’t tell if he was uncomfortable around me or if he was just a shy alpha. I was a very confident omega, which sometimes intimidated men, especially alphas who were unusually introverted.

  “I am good; Carlos, not so much.” Pat looked at me indicating how sick I was to Damien.

  “Ah, yes that is a nasty one. I’m really glad to be feeling better and I’m sure you’re over the hump now.” He smiled a little but still didn’t look at me directly.

  I had to say something now; Bring his attention back to me. I wanted him to notice me. Even with a stuffed up nose I was beginning to smell the rich dark chocolate aroma that seemed to float off of him. I had never smelled anything like it before. It had me so intrigued and aroused.

  “I know it’s horrible.” I gave him my best puppy dog eyes. “Do you have anymore soup? It made me feel so much better.” I attempted my super sensual flirty voice but it ended up sounding all high and nasally.

  “Oh, that’s good.” He looked at me this time but seemed to look right through me as though he couldn’t focus on any of my features. “I don’t have anymore soup, but I’ll let you know if I make a batch.”

  “I would love that.” I said in one last attempt with my sensual flirty voice and fluttering my eyelashes madly. But still, no reaction.

  He looked back at Patrick. “Well, I just came over to ask if your internet was working?”

  I got up and yawned, letting the blanket I had around me fall to the ground. I pushed my chest out and felt my pajama bottoms slide a little lower, exposing a little more skin than usual. I felt his eyes sneak a peak. Yes, finally something.

  “The password was changed.” I said as I bent over picking up the blanket than wrapped it around myself again making an mmm sound. “Here, I’ll write it down for you.”

  His eyes were watching me delicately. He couldn’t help looking directly at my half naked body as I floated over to the kitchen. I was giddy with triumph when I noticed a half smile creep across his face. There was a pen on the kitchen table beside a note pad. It was a cute feather pen, I smiled and giggled to myself as a picked it out of the jar. I swished the pen around on the paper writing extra loopy letters showing off the pen, than I skipped back over to him handing him the paper with a smirk.

  His eyes were looking down towards the floor at first but as I walked closer they slowly started to rise soaking in every bit of my body until our eyes met.

  “Here you go.” I held the paper out for him to take it.

  “Thanks.” He started to blush. Suddenly he seemed to realize the moment we were caught in and he blinked a few times altering the direction of his gaze toward Patrick who was beside me.

  I retreated back to the couch satisfied with the little progress I had made with him today. I didn’t want to push too far considering he had shown not the slightest bit of interest until now. Getting him to notice me was all I really wanted. From there it would be easy. Who wouldn’t fall in love with me just like that?

  “Ok, thanks guys.” He said still focused on Patrick, but for one brief moment before he left his eyes flickered to me once again.

  When he was gone I threw myself on the floor in a dramatic gesture pretending exaggeratedly just how swept off my feet I was.

  “Oh man, you’re so dramatic,” Pat said, laughing at me.

  “I can’t help it,” I gushed, “He’s perfect.”

  8

  Damien

  I had done my best to completely avoid Carlos all week. I had met with my therapist to talk about my PTSD symptoms that had begun to recur. She had asked if there was anything or anyone new in my life. I told her about Carlos and she told me if I felt interest towards him that he could most likely be the cause of regression.

  I did feel something for Carlos but the thought of going through it all again was too much. I just wanted to avoid him, but since I couldn’t avoid him forever my therapist suggested for me to meet with him again, this time just a short interaction to test this theory and begin to work through it. When the internet password for our building changed it was the perfect excuse for me to walk over to my neighbors and test this theory.

  Our interaction had been more than I was expecting. I felt uncomfortable and shy the moment I saw him. I kept my gaze focused on Patrick but from the corner of my eye I could see Carlos’s perfectly angled jawline and smoldering eyes sticking out from the blanket he was wrapped up in on the couch. I couldn’t look at
him directly. I was scared I would fall apart. When he got up to stretch I almost lost control. The way he revealed himself with such confidence. He knew I was watching him and I could tell he wanted me to see him.

  My body began to melt when I smelled his spicy sweet scent; it made my lips burn with desire. It was all very overwhelming for me but I was trying to accept his smells as a way to test Dr. Riley’s theories. If the presence of him was truly trigging my memories of Anthony then his scent should trigger them even more.

  By the time I left the apartment I was no longer fearful of post-traumatic nightmares coming to life in my head because all I could think about was Carlos. Thoughts of him filled my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

  My heartbreak had left me so broken, so closed off to the people, and so shy. Carlos was the opposite of all that. He was strong, confident and made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a very long time. The way he walked to try and impress me made me lust after him even more.

  When I woke up the next morning I felt fantastic. The whole week I had been terrified that Carlos’ presence would drive me into a zone of disaster, that I would do the kinds of unquestionable things I had once done in the past. My mind would turn mad with disillusioned blackouts, angry outbreaks and painful memories.

  His scent, in truth, had done just the opposite. I was beginning to realize maybe he was not the trigger to my PTSD but the cure.

  9

  Carlos

  He finally noticed me after a week of failed attempts of me throwing myself at him. I was thrilled. There wasn’t a whole lot to go on, other than the fact that he totally checked me out. He wouldn’t be able to deny my scent for long though. It was only a matter of time, I was sure about that.

  My heat was coming within the next week. I had been very good about using my suppressants since I arrived in the U.S; an accidental pregnancy would not be good for my busy schedule. I also wanted a man to love me before I had a child with him. I had seen too many accidental pregnancies in Colombia and I did not want to become another statistic.