Choose Me Read online

  I flop exhaustedly down onto the bed and let my head sink back into the pillow. This is just the beginning.

  Jessica knocks softly on my door. "You hungry? I was going to make sandwiches. Turkey and mayo?"

  I sit up reluctantly. "Sure, but no mayo for me."

  I follow her into the kitchen and slide onto a stool. I'm so tired I don't know how I'll find the strength to chew. We sprawl out on the couch, eating in silence while Jessica channel hops distractedly.

  "Do you miss your boyfriend?" she asks, taking me by surprise.

  I wince. I don't really want to talk about Leonardo. Things between us have been a little strange this week, we've hardly spoken or texted at all. Which is paradoxical because when I was in Rome, we'd send an average of six hundred WhatsApp messages a day, plus we saw each other every day. We were at the same university, with the same classes and the same friends.

  "I guess I could ask how you managed to wind up in the wrong classroom this morning..." she teases, biting into her sandwich.

  "Ben, right?"

  "Mark!"

  Traitor!

  "We've hardly been in touch this week. It's as if, all of a sudden, we don't know what to say to each other," I sigh and wipe my mouth with a napkin.

  "Do you miss him?"

  I hesitate a moment, then reply. "A lot." I'm not sure that’s true, though. Too many things are happening all at once. Before, if I didn't see him for one night, I missed him terribly, now we’re far apart and I'm not sure if something between us is broken.

  "So where's the problem?"

  "I don't know. I just feel we're too far apart."

  "Yeah, I know how you feel."

  "How come I haven't seen Ryan around for a while?" If she can ask me personal questions, then I can do the same.

  "I don't know..." She puts her sandwich down and I feel guilty because now I've put her off her food. "He's a little weird lately. I think he wants to quit college." She looks at me, her lips a tight line.

  "Why?"

  "He's only there for me...at college, I mean. He doesn't like studying and when he does, he does it for me, not himself. His passion is music. He'll spend hours working on a tune, practicing, sometimes he even forgets to eat. I tried telling him that if he wants to quit, he can, no one's forcing him to study, especially me, but it's like he's put a wall up and I don't know how to knock it down."

  I listen carefully, without saying anything. I don’t even know what to say. For me, and also for my friends, going to a university was almost obligatory, we had no choice.

  "Anyway," she adds hastily, flashing a beautiful smile. "We'll see how it goes. So, Cat, what do you do for fun in Rome on afternoons when you're not studying?"

  "I run. Ten kilometers."

  Her eyes open wide in amazement. "Wow, that's over six miles! Me, too, though. I love running. I put my music on and run till I practically drop. We should go running later."

  I nod. A nice run is just what I need right now to shake off this tiredness, although a nice nap wouldn't hurt, either.

  Erika comes into my room and gently shakes me awake. "Hey, Cat. It's almost five."

  Her voice sounds distant but I sit up in bed, trying to focus. I just slept three hours straight.

  "I'm here...I'm awake." I rub my eyes and get out of bed.

  "Jess and I are going for a run. You still coming?"

  Oh, God! I'd rather cut my arm off right now than go running, but I have to get back into training or, with all the junk food we eat, I'll be as big as a house in less than two months. "Yes, sure. I'll get ready."

  Erika leaves me alone and I pull on the fluorescent yellow shorts I use for jogging and a white sports shirt and drag myself into the bathroom, where I tie my hair up in a messy top-knot. I slip a small towel in my back pocket and make sure my iPhone is safe in its elastic armband and pop my earbuds in.

  The girls are wearing long leggings and cropped, racer-back tops. I know my ass is practically hanging out but I can't stand the feeling of long pants on sweaty skin.

  Ben is outside with Kris, the drummer, leaning on Kris's car, chatting.

  I feel their eyes on me but pretend to adjust my earbuds as I watch them out of the corner of my eye. Kris's head tilts to one side, probably to get a better view of my ass. My shorts are definitely too short to wear in public. They were okay for my small home gym but nowhere near suitable for the streets of Orlando.

  When I can stand their stares no longer, I turn and glare at Ben, who nods back at me. His hair is uncombed and he's wiping his hands on a crumpled piece of tissue. His tight boxers peek out from the waistband of his low-slung jeans and I look away, staring down at my shoes. The truth is, I want to kiss him so bad and just the thought makes me shiver from head to toe.

  I try to focus on Leonardo's handsome face, but Ben's keeps superimposing itself over it. This is absurd.

  "You ready?" Jessica asks as we finish warming up.

  "Super ready!"

  On the count of three, we press play on our phones and start running. I've no idea where or for how long, all that matters is that we run. We jog past the boys and Jessica makes a quick diversion to give Ben a peck on the cheek. I'm still not sure what's going on between them.

  It feels almost weird that Mark isn't out with us. Wherever we go, he's there, the big baby. Just thinking about him makes me smile. Do I care about him so much, after only a week? Yes, I do. I really do.

  Of course, I'm not indifferent to his looks, I just don't feel anything for him sexually, not like when I see his brother, damn it.

  In the morning when he's just woken up: cute.

  At college, his head bent over his books: sweet.

  In the afternoon, sprawled out on the couch: hot.

  Dripping with sweat after a game of basketball: to die for.

  On stage: fucking sexy!

  I shake my head and up my pace. “Wings” by Birdy gives my energy a boost, and I remind myself once more about Leonardo. You know, Caterina...your boyfriend! The cute guy? You remember, that nice, polite guy who's waiting for you at home?

  Vaguely, says an impertinent little voice in my head. I crank up the volume and pick up my pace, leaving my roommates behind.

  I look around me, curious about my new neighborhood. The houses are all one-story, with beautifully manicured lawns and basketball hoops on practically every garage door. The air is clean and peace reigns supreme. Moms drive SUVs, dads wash their cars on the driveways, kids ride their bikes and skateboards up and down the street. It's like a postcard, an enchanted landscape, the movie set of an American comedy show. I never thought places like this existed, that they were like this in real life.

  I like everything I see. I hardly remember the busy traffic of Rome, swearing like crazy every morning, trying to find a parking spot. Here people meet up at their neighbors' for brunch on Saturday mornings, they have barbecues, drink beer, and their kids play happily on swings. It all seems so simple.

  But then I think that even here, hidden away, there must be girls just like me, forced to get up early on Sunday morning to play golf, then sit down for long boring lunches with their uptight snob of a grandmother, their boyfriend's parents and their fathers' colleagues, listening for hours to them talking about work, work, and more work, politely sitting there, stiff backed, without making a sound. Don't interrupt the grown-ups. Don't drink so much. Don't bite your nails. Don’t yawn.

  I breathe deeply, inhaling the perfumed air. Perhaps it's not really perfumed. Perhaps that's what stress-free air smells like, but I wouldn't know. We return home exhausted, our lungs literally on fire. Erika throws herself down on the grass in front of the driveway and Jessica and I do the same. Mark appears, hovering over us like a heavenly vision, bearing bottles of water.

  He's sweating, too, bare-chested, obviously, his hair pulled back and held in place with a black hair band.

  "Come on, girls. Move those lazy asses and drink some water."

  He pulls on our arms, hel
ping us to sit up, which is great, but my instinct tells me to flop back down and die.

  "Why are you all sweaty?" asks Erika.

  "Abby just left. We had a threesome with Kris," he jokes, skillfully dodging the bottle of water that Jessica throws at him.

  "Wow! Touchy, much? No, I did some kickboxing with Ben."

  My heart pounds in my chest and all my senses are on red alert. Does that mean Ben's around here somewhere, bare-chested and just as sweaty, his hair pulled back, accentuating his eyes, which are so big they're like flashlights in the night? I quickly run my hands over my face and stifle a cry of frustration.

  There's something wrong with me. Something seriously wrong.

  "Right, move those fat asses. I want three sets of sit-ups."

  The only words we're able to put together in reply are, "Bleah", "Noooo", "Arfhghfhghgh" and "Bleah" again.

  Mark ignores us and turns toward his house. "Ben, I'm out here with the girls, hurry up."

  I know I shouldn't turn round, I know I shouldn't, but I do and my heart takes flight. He saunters over, pouring a bottle of water over his head then pushing his hair back with his fingers. All this in less than three seconds while, in my head, it's projected in slow-motion, worthy of a porn movie. His shorts are hung even lower and I wonder where that thin line of hair that starts just under his belly-button then goes down, down, down, finally ends...

  I clap my hands over my face. Like an ostrich. If I can't see him, he can't see me.

  "You okay, Cat-Babe?" Mark asks, lying down next to me.

  Yeah, sure. Just what I need, more testosterone in the air, driving me crazy.

  "How many sit-ups?" I ask, trying to control my voice, which is hoarse, not so much from the long run but from the sight of Ben.

  He's wet, oh so wet.

  "You girls do three sets of thirty and Ben and I will do five of fifty."

  No one complains.

  Mark’s counting out loud and I almost choke when I feel Ben, who’s on my right, rest his hand gently on my sweaty stomach.

  "Breathe with your diaphragm, otherwise you won’t catch your breath."

  I force out an 'Okay' and Ben leaves his hand where it is, checking I'm breathing correctly.

  Fuck sit-ups and my diaphragm!

  There's just one way to get over a terrible, childish crush like this, and the solution hits me in the face as we're doing sit-ups and I risk going into cardiac arrest.

  When we’re done, we watch the guys finish theirs.

  "You guys having dinner with us tonight? As if I have to ask!" Jessica rolls her eyes and adjusts her ponytail.

  "Obviously," Mark replies, emptying his bottle of water in just one gulp.

  "Not me, Casey's coming over," Ben announces between sips.

  Okaaay!

  Jessica makes an annoyed, groaning sound. "Casey again?"

  Ben shrugs and looks at her, bored. Trying to hide my disappointment, I pretend to be playing with the earbuds of my iPhone.

  "Damn, Jessica, it’s getting old now!" Mark blurts out, taking us all by surprise. "Casey's hot, single, and willing...willing to fuck Ben every time he asks. Shit, she even does home delivery, what more could he want? Get over it, will you?"

  Ben bursts out laughing and Erika joins in.

  My heart, however, just stops.

  "You're disgusting, you know that? Who knows, maybe you get sloppy seconds." Jessica tries to stand but her legs give way and she sits back down again.

  "Who knows, from the noises coming from Ben's room at night, I'd say there's enough to go around!" Mark raises his arms skyward and Ben throws an empty bottle at him, hitting him on the chest.

  "Do you always have to fucking exaggerate?" he scolds.

  Jessica shakes her head, exasperated.

  "What's your problem, Jess? Does he have to stay 'forever alone' till he finds the 'right one' and settles down? Casey, no...Rachel, no...Maddy, no? Why don't we just chop off his dick? You won't let him use it, anyway!"

  That's when I burst out laughing, too. Jessica joins in, though I know she'd rather shoot herself in the head than laugh and let Mark know he's won.

  Ben lies down again. "When you've finished discussing my business, perhaps we can get back to our sit-ups."

  We do another complete set, but Jessica has no intention of dropping it. "I just don't get it, Ben. Why do you waste your time on all these Caseys? When you've shot your stuff and kicked them out of bed, don't you get lonely?"

  Wow! A fight’s about to break out. Ben holds his head in exasperation and Mark can't keep out of other people's business. They may be at each other's throats all day but they'll fight like lions to protect each other.

  "Oh, God. Here we go again. Jessica, let me explain... Ben is a guy, right? Guys have needs, right? Casey is hot. Ben and Casey, both consenting adults, decide to fuuuuckk. As a concept, it's extremely simple."

  "Sure, for someone like you who only fuuucks with hoes, it is," she replies sourly.

  Erika and I exchange alarmed looks, feeling uncomfortable. When Erika shrugs and raises her eyebrows, I realize she's heard it all before.

  "They’re not hoes, they’re just girls who are down to have fun. Why do you have to be so judgmental? And you know what? It’s better to get it off with a girl who knows the only thing you want from her is sex, rather than trick her into bed pretending you love her."

  "That's enough, you two," Ben snaps, trying to put an end to the fighting. "Jess, Casey's not a hoe and I'm not the only one who..."

  Jessica abruptly interrupts him and stands up furiously. "What the fuck do you mean? What are you getting at?" She's fuming. She stands in front of Mark, who suddenly stands up, glaring at her.

  "I wasn’t getting at anything, Jess." Mark's tone is softer but the damage is done.

  "You mean Ryan, I know you do." She begins to cry and, as Ben and Erika stand up, I do the same.

  "Of course not!" Mark waves his hands but Jessica's not convinced.

  Ben pulls her away and puts an arm around her shoulders.

  "Shit, Mark! You know she's going through a bad time," Erika scolds him, draining the last of her water, as soon as Jess and Ben are out of earshot.

  "Shit, I wasn't mad at her. Ryan loves her like crazy, why can't she see that?" he exclaims. "Ben's going to be pissed with me now," he sighs and gathers his things. "I'm going to take a shower." As he turns to walk home, I can tell he's upset. I look at Erika, hoping she'll say something, explain what the hell just happened.

  "Things aren’t too good with Jessica and Ryan right now," she replies, reading my mind, but she doesn't add anything else.

  Wow, thanks. I'd figured that out for myself.

  I walk out of the shower wrapped in a soft, fragrant towel and practically jump out of my skin when I see Mark lying on my bed, his arms folded across his chest, his eyes shut. He keeps his eyes closed but he knows I'm there. "You girls are complicated creatures, you know that, right?"

  "Guilty," I admit.

  He sits up and looks at me. The towel wrapped around my body hardly covers my ass. "God, you're hot!" he says with a seductive grin.

  "Out!" I exclaim, walking over to the dresser for some underwear.

  "Sorry!" He lies down again and puts a pillow over his face. "I won't peek, I promise!"

  And he doesn't.

  I finish dressing and lie down beside him. I'm exhausted. My legs hurt, my head hurts, my toes are tingling, and as soon as my body touches the mattress it sinks down into it. "I'm so tired," I say, the first banal thing that comes into my head.

  "I didn't mean Jessica before. Really. But now Ben's pissed with me, Jessica won't talk to me, and Erika, even if she knows I'm right, has to take Jessica's side."

  So, I'm his last resort?

  "You want to eat something?" I've just realized I'm starving.

  "I can't go through there. If Jessica sees me she'll kick my ass and Ben's with Casey, so home, right now, is the last place I want to be."

&nbs
p; Okaaay.

  I feel jealousy creeping all over me, simple and devastating.

  I don't know why my stomach hurts whenever I think of Ben with another girl. I hardly know him and it makes no sense to take everything so personally. A crush is okay, but this physical discomfort is as real as it's inappropriate.

  "I'll go make us some sandwiches, you stay here," I say, pinching his arm.

  He peeps out from under the pillow. "Thank God you're here, Cat-Babe. I really needed you."

  I smile and hurry to the kitchen. The house is dark and silent. I quickly make a couple of turkey sandwiches – they don't seem to eat anything else in this house and I’m too lazy to cook– grab two beers from the refrigerator and dash back to my room.

  I turn the key, locking us in, and a glimmer of excitement I've never seen before lights up Mark's face.

  He's got a point. I realize I'm sending contradictory signals: skimpy pajamas, two beers, a locked door...

  "We're just friends so stop looking at me like that," I admonish, pointing my finger at him as I walk over to the bed. I've never had a male friend before and I don't know quite how to behave. Just where do I set the boundaries?

  He raises his hands in surrender. "Okay, just friends."

  He pulls himself upright and sits cross-legged on the bed.

  A movement outside the window catches my eyes. Or, perhaps I imagined it and I'm looking out the window because I can't help obsessing about Ben. His bedroom light is on, and the curtains are open, but I can't see anyone.

  "So, give me the gossip," I announce, grabbing a sandwich and biting into it as if it were my last meal.

  "What do you want to know?" he asks, taking a bite of his own sandwich.

  "Everything. You're such good friends, you've known each other all your lives. Give me the gory details."

  Mark laughs. "Okay, so you already know we've known each other since we were born. My mom and Jessica's mom had Ben and Jessica in the same hospital, same day, same time. They literally know each other since they were born. They have this special kind of friendship and no one can butt in. If Ben gives Jessica a kiss on the cheek or wants to watch a movie curled up with her, Ryan doesn't even say boo! If Ben tells Jessica to get changed or not to drink, she does as she's told. There's nothing between them, they've never been together, they're like twins."