Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn Read online

  I gave him an ultimatum. I did. I don't care if that sounds bad; it's what I had to do. I said to Evan, "I'm your wife and that is the strongest bond two people should have, and that should come first. I've moved on from porn. And I want you to stop. You promised me you'd only do porn for a few years. Your few years are up. It's your porn career or me."

  (I haven't shot a movie since 2006, when we put a ton of footage in the can. If you see a DVD dated 2007, 2008, or 2009, it was shot around 2006. The only porn I've done recently was a sex scene I did with Evan for his website in 2009, which was just my way of showing my undying love and support for him. )

  "Listen," I told him, early one morning in our Sherman Oaks house, "I love you. We've achieved so much. Look at what we've done. I will always love you. But I just want to put the marriage first. You know I'm not doing porn anymore. I've written this book as closure to that chapter of my life, and I've been inducted into the Hall of Fame, cementing ten years in this business, which is a good point to stop. I'm doing my Vegas burlesque show. I'm getting offers for reality shows. Life has gone on for me. I'm on to phase two of my life and career now. I'm done with phase one. I'm not turning my back on it. I'll keep terapatrick.com and I want us to keep our baby, Teravision, alive. But you're my husband. You are a rock star. I want you to pursue your music career instead of a porn career. You pursue music and mainstream acting, and I'll pursue my new ventures."

  And he said, in typical Evan fashion, "Don't give an ultimatum. No one will ever give me an ultimatum. I'm not going to quit. Why would I want to quit?"

  I was surprised at his response. I truly thought the power of love would make him see the light. I would've done anything to keep him, but eventually I had to do what was right for me.

  His goal was to become a porn star, and he got it. I realized I didn't come first to him anymore, and that broke my heart. It was the hardest thing I've had to face. I took my Hello Kitty suitcase and my dogs Chopper and Mr. Big Time, packed them in the pink smart car Evan had given me on Valentine's Day, and headed off. As I drove off, I started thinking, "OMG, my whole life sits in a safe in my Sherman Oaks home--all of my finances, my business papers, my security--and it is with him. I need my own safe. My own financial independence."

  "Where are you going?!" he screamed, running out the door and waving me down. And I said, "I'm going to be with my mother in Vegas." He didn't believe that I could drive those 280 miles to Las Vegas by myself because I had never done it before, but I did it. It felt like a Thelma and Louise moment (just without the tragic ending). I cranked up Madonna's "Jump" and Linkin Park's "In the End" and drove and cried the whole way to Vegas, never looking back. And that is when I felt truly empowered and free. For once I was not afraid to be alone. I knew I could do this. Hell, it was Evan who had helped me get strong. I made up my mind and stuck to it and soon filed for divorce. As fate would have it, I filed for divorce on September 4, 2009, which was the seventh anniversary of our first official date. Though it was my choice, that doesn't mean I wasn't devastated. I so wanted him to tell me he would quit and put me first. I so wanted him to tell me he loved me and would do anything for me. But he didn't and that will forever hurt.

  My mom and sister really got me through this. You don't love a man for seven years and not have doubts. I reflected on our life together over tears with Mom and Sis in my Vegas house for weeks. I truly thought we had the game plan down and I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought past through the days I tried to kill myself, through the dark days of Digital Playground. I remembered all of that and in my heart I remember feeling he was the only one who would hold me, the only one who would love me, and now all I could think about was "How did it get to this?" That's what I agonized over. I knew it was over, but I thought, "How did I get here? How did this happen? Why can't love keep people together? Why wasn't my love enough to keep him with me? Why was porn so much more important to him than me?

  Finally, I would wake up in my bed in Vegas every morning, look to my mom and say, "Mom, I'm happy to be here. This is where I truly belong: in Vegas with you, starting a new chapter in my life." I never looked back. I realized I had been slowly falling out of love with him this past year and lost all respect for him. That said, I woke up for many mornings during this transitional time feeling a little unsure of my future, but the one thing I was 100 percent sure of was that I was making the right decision.

  My mom said to me, "If you want to go back to him, I won't judge you. Whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. You may take him back ten more times. You may go through this for six more months. Hell, you may be back with him by the time this book is out. But just know that you can do this. You can live on your own. The days of making sacrifices are over for you. And he woke that up in you. He took you on a wonderful journey and now you're on another journey."

  She was a strong base of support and nonjudgmental guidance, and that's what I needed. I didn't want to hear "He's an asshole. You should've done this a long time ago." I'm sure lots of people thought that, but it's not helpful or fair to our marriage or to Evan, and it disrespects me. I can't and won't dismiss what we had.

  My sister Debra was by my side too. She's my new assistant and is helping me with my new ventures. Ever since Debra and I were little girls, she has taken care of me. She is the caretaker, and that's how she helped me get through this part of my life. When we were young and I was going through a tough time, she knew exactly how to cheer me up: grilled cheese sandwiches. Debra's are the best. We ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches during this time. Debra has been my rock throughout my life and the one constant family member who has been there for me.

  I think the most liberating feeling I've had day-to-day is waking up in my house in Las Vegas, being in a whole new city, and thinking, "Wow, I own everything in this house. I worked for this. This is all mine. It's not his and mine. It's mine." I love that I'm on my own now. It's such a liberating feeling. I'm so much happier. Not to say there hasn't been pain or that I wasn't happy before. I was happy. You don't stay with someone for seven years without there being true happiness. There's so much passion between us--both in love and in hate. And don't think for a second that our on-screen passion wasn't real. It was. Evan was my favorite performer to work with. On a day-to-day basis, do I think of him? Of course I do. I think of him, but not in the same way as before. I guess I was going through this for a long time. I was slowly waking up every day thinking, "Hmmm, what's going on? What's happening?" And I finally figured it out.

  As I said, writing the book really empowered me. It made me reevaluate my life and reprioritize my needs. It was a turning point and a process of self-discovery for me. And it was a process of regaining control because I'd been out of control for so long. My split from Evan kind of reminds me of my split from my old manager at Digital Playground, Samantha. We can't discuss the details of the divorce, as I couldn't discuss the details of the split from Digital, but I can say I've had to make some financial sacrifices--I'm stronger now and can handle it. And, besides, Evan did earn it. We didn't have a prenuptial agreement when we married, but I'm not getting screwed. And, oddly, I really don't wish him any ill will.

  I have my family back. I have my sister. I have my mother--a real support system for once. And equally as important, I have my sense of self and my wits about me and now I know too much. I have my pride and I'm OK. It was like Sleeping Beauty finally woke up. Maybe Evan was the poison apple, but I broke out of my slumber. I'm stronger. I'm not a victim and I'm not a fool and I don't blame it all on him. I let him do porn. I encouraged it. But we agreed he'd only do it for a few years. I changed my mind. I changed my path. I changed my priorities and he refused to change with me. I'm a different person now. What I once thought was OK is no longer OK. What I once wanted, I don't want anymore. And that's OK. That's natural. It is called growing up and truly finding yourself, and I truly found myself with the help of Evan and my family.

  I know what to do now. I still believe in
love and will marry again, but I want it to be a traditional marriage. That doesn't mean I won't marry another rock star, but I'll be smarter about it next time. I know I want to keep Teravision going, but we will eventually have to evolve the company because I don't think Evan and I will be able to continue a healthy working relationship together.

  Mistress Couture, though, is 100 percent mine and Debra is helping me run it. It's under my new Tera Patrick LLC in Las Vegas, where I now solely live. We plan to expand the line this year and I can't wait! I also have my new burlesque show called "Sexy," which will debut at a club in Vegas on Valentine's Day 2010. It will be an hour-long burlesque show starring me with a troupe of eight sexy dancers. It's like Cirque du Soleil acrobatics meets the Forty Deuce burlesque dancer. That's right, we have burlesque aerialists in sexy lingerie. I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl, and now is the time to fulfill that dream. I've always loved my feature dancing gigs and will continue to hit the stage for that. I also want to write another book (or two, or three) and get back to writing a sex or love advice column like I once did for FHM (UK) and Genesis.

  Evan is no longer my manager. I have a new management team and they want to continue what we started in mainstream and take me to even greater heights. The sky's the limit! They told me I didn't capitalize enough on the crossover that started in 2006 with that FHM cover and all of those mainstream opportunities. They told me, "You are a sex icon and should be branded as such. You are not a tragedy. You are a success story, but that story is not over."

  Another new direction I want to go in is motherhood. I want kids. We couldn't do it in our marriage with our lifestyle and jet-setting ways. Maybe I can do it now, in a more traditional life with a more traditional man. I can't wait to remarry and give my heart and soul to someone who wants what I want. I won't sacrifice my needs ever again.

  We love and respect each other enough to know that our individual growth and happiness are more important than fighting to stay together to make compromises that either of us just can't live with. People change. We changed. We have made compromises and sacrifices in our lives and marriage, but we're at a juncture where the compromises or sacrifices would change who we are and what we want to such a degree that only resentment would result.

  It may seem sad, but ultimately it's an amazing gift to help someone awaken their true desires and figure out what they truly want in life. We gave each other that gift of self-fulfillment. And now, strengthened by years together in a loving, supportive relationship, we must continue on apart.

  Writing this book with Carrie was like therapy. She made me dig deep inside myself, examine why I've done what I've done and what the emotions were behind it. It brought up the good and the bad and awakened something in me. It also helped me reconnect with Mom and think about what the next chapter in my life may be. I'm excited about the future, the great unknown, but I'm no longer fearful to go it alone. By writing about some intense situations in my life and really analyzing them for the first time, getting to the "why" of it all, it made me feel stronger than I ever have. Looking back, I've lived and experienced some of the best and worst, and I wouldn't change any of it. It made me who I am. It also taught me that it's not over; it's far from over. I don't think it'll ever be over. I'm excited to take on the next adventures.

  The bottom line is that I know I can do anything on my own now. I plan to cover my tattoo that says "Evan's Princess." A princess is usually a damsel in distress who needs a Prince Charming to sweep in, save her, and make her happy. I needed that at the time, but I'm no damsel in distress anymore. And I will never be someone else's "princess." I am the queen of my own domain now, and I feel on top of the world for having discovered that.

  My Essential Movies

  Aroused (1999)

  Fire and Ice (1999)

  Pick-Up Lines 45 (1999)

  Crossroads (1999)

  Caught in the Act (1999)

  Caribbean Undercover (1999)

  Up and Cummers 73 (1999)

  Foot Lovers Only (1999)

  Farmer's Daughters Do Beverly Hills (1999)

  Gallery of Sin (1999)

  Girls of Penthouse 4 (2000)

  North Pole 11 (2000)

  Penthouse Pets in Paradise (2001)

  Collision Course (2004)

  Tera Tera Tera (2004)

  Reign of Tera (2005)

  Test Drive (2005)

  Appetite for Destruction (2006)

  Reign of Tera 2 (2006)

  SeXXXpose (2006)

  Tera Patrick's Fashion Underground (2006)

  Teradise Island: Anal Fever (2006)

  Where the Boys Aren't 18 and 19 (2006)

  Tera Patrick Is . . . Flawless (2007)

  InTERActive (2007)

  Tera Goes Gonzo (2008)

  Teradise Island 2 (2008)

  Sex in Dangerous Places (2009)

  You can go to TeraPatrickStore.com to purchase my movies, become a member of TeraPatrick.com for access to my movies for free, or check out www.TeraTrailers.com to get a sneak peek.

  Awards

  2000: Hot D'Or, Best American New Starlet

  2000: XRCO Awards, Best New Starlet

  2001: Adult Stars magazine's Consumer Choice Awards, Best New

  Starlet

  2001: AVN Awards, Best New Starlet and Best Interactive DVD

  (Virtual Sex with Tera Patrick)

  2001: Genesis magazine, Best New Cummer

  2001: FOXE Awards, Video Vixen

  2002: AVN Awards, Best Tease Performance (Island Fever) and Best

  Renting Title of the Year (Island Fever)

  2003: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite

  2004: Genesis magazine, Porn Star of the Year

  2004: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite

  2005: FOXE Awards, Female Fan Favorite

  2005: Genesis magazine, Porn Star of the Year

  2006: Genesis magazine, Porn Star of the Year

  2006: Temptation Awards, Best Actress and Best New Studio

  (Teravision)

  2007: Genesis magazine Porn Star of the Year

  2007: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet

  2007: eLINE Awards, Best American Actress, Best Performer and Best

  Businesswoman

  2007: Adultcon Awards, Mainstream Crossover Star of the Year

  2008: AVN Awards, Best Cinematography (Tera Patrick's Fashion

  Underground), Best High End All Sex Release (Teravision's Broken)

  and Best Interactive Movie (InTERActive)

  2008: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet

  2008: eLINE Awards, Best Lingerie Label (Mistress Couture)

  2009: AVN Awards, Hall of Fame

  2009: F.A.M.E. Awards, Favorite Female Starlet and Favorite Star

  Website (www.TeraPatrick.com)

  2009: XBIZ Awards, Crossover Star of the Year and ASACP

  (Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection) Annual Service

  Recognition Award

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I would like to thank, first and foremost, my family, who have been there for me from the beginning with unconditional love and support: Debra--my best friend, soul mate, and sister--and her husband Daniel; my mom Preeya, who I learned a lot from; my three four-legged babies--Chopper, Mr. Big Time, and Tiger; my nieces Kaila and Madison; my other siblings Matthew and Katie; my dad David; and my stepmother Kara Ostrom.

  I could not have done with this without my book team, especially my writer Carrie Borzillo, who went on my entire life journey with me. You know me backward and forward, and I don't know if that's a good thing, but I love you forever and it just keeps getting better. Thank you to everyone at Gotham and Penguin, including my editor Patrick Mulligan, William Shinker, Lindsay Gordon, Lisa Johnson, and the entire staff who are working tirelessly to make this book a success. Thank you to my managers Chris Lighty and Amrita Sen from Violator Management, my literary agent Marc Gerard at the Agency Group, and my attorney David Adelman.<
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  Margaret Cho, I couldn't have asked for a more moving foreword. It touched my heart and you are a true inspiration. Dave Navarro, Carmen Electra, and Larry Flynt, thank you for the kind words. And Larry, I thank you and Hustler for your support.

  To my amazing Teravision staff over the years, thank you for helping me make my dreams come true: Max Padilla, Mike Abdelnour, Robert Mora, Candace Kang, and my publicist April Storm.

  I also owe a lot to the countless magazines that have put me on their covers or in their pages--Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Genesis (especially Dan Davis), and FHM (especially editor Sam Barclay and photographer Perry Hagopian, who shot my crossover cover). And, to the organizations that have awarded me for me work over the years. I am truly honored.

  I'd also like to thank my friends, colleagues, coworkers, photographers, directors, and supporters who have believed in me and helped make my dreams come true (or just kept me sane during the insanity): Jessicka Addams; Anneli Adolfsson; Rebekka Armstrong; AVN for inducting me into the Hall of Fame, letting me host the show, and putting me on countless covers; Andrew Blake; Lisa Boyle; Darius at the Red Parrot (the most amazing club ever); DJ Hideo; Carla Drake; Lisa Boyle; Ricardo Feressi; Lee Garland; Alexandra Greenberg at the Mitch Schneider Organization; Lizzie Grubman; Helenke; Steve Hirsch at Vivid; Ivan Kane of Forty Deuce; Crystal Knight; Delia Kourvatos; Chi Chi LaRue; Lena; Liinda Garristo; Tony Lee of The Lee Network; Juliet Lowrie; Perry Margouleff; Lisa Massaro; Morning Sun's Joe; Myuk; James McDaniel; Ann Myers; Caroline Pace; Michael Politz; Suze Randall; Jason and Raffelina Reyes; Erik Rudd; "Sandy" from AA; Kerry Simon; Charmane Star; Jim South; Tao's Jason and Noah; Paul Thomas; Autumn Weber; my webmasters Claude and Magalie; Teri Weigel; Tovaris Wilson; and Yumi.