Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn Read online

  11. Weren't you afraid of catching an STD? How come in some movies you use condoms and in others you don't?

  --LEXI, 19, MIAMI

  I never worried about contracting an STD because, for one, when I started out in 1999, there were a smaller number of guys working, so everyone either knew them or knew of them and word spreads fast if something's not right. But I always required that the guys I worked with not only take the obligatory HIV test, but get the full panel STD test, which includes chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and others. And I can honestly say that I think it's safer to have sex with someone in the porn industry as opposed to picking up a guy or chick at a club. The porn guy can hand you a paper that shows his test results. The club guy can't. That said, I still do feel very lucky that I never caught anything. As for condoms, some companies require that you work with a condom, others don't. If they don't require it, you still have a choice to have the guy wear one. If a guy had the full STD test, I was fine with him not wearing a condom.

  12. Do you ever keep going even after the director says cut?

  --MEAGAN, 24, SEATTLE

  Sure! When you're really into it, it's hard to stop. One of my favorite female performers to work with was Briana Banks, whom I did Collision Course with. I was really into working with her, because I knew she was nuts--she was just really into sex and loved women and she's done everything--a lot more than I've done. I had a feeling she was going to try to "outfuck" me, so as a preemptive strike, I grabbed her first and laid her down to eat her out. I just went for it. I was licking her pussy and I was really turned on, so when the director, Skeeter Kerkove, said cut, I just kept on going. And I made her cum!

  MY SEXY TIPS FOR GUYS AND GALS:

  FOR THE GUYS . . .

  TRIM THE TRUNK: This means no trouser forest, no bad breath, and no body odor. Shave, trim, shave, trim, brush, and shave again. Although I like my men rough and rugged, this doesn't mean stinky, sweaty, or hairy! Invest in a good trimmer (Andis is a great brand) and shave with the Gillette Fusion (five blades). No beating around the bush, boys. Shave those balls until they are silky smooth. I personally love balls in my mouth when they are hairless. You can neatly trim the rest of the hair above your member without going full porno shave, but if this is your first time trimming the hedges, you will notice that your cock looks bigger the more you trim, and who doesn't love that?

  SMELL DELICIOUS: Scent is such a powerful aphrodisiac and it's not relied upon enough. When sexy cologne is mixed with your natural pheromones, your girl is bound to get even more turned on. You don't need to buy expensive fancy cologne, but putting in a little effort for her senses will really show you care. I like old-school manly-man scents such as Old Spice, Drakkar Noir, and Fahrenheit. Newer colognes that rock my world, though, are Prada, Serge Lutens, and Gucci Rush.

  DIRTY MOUTH? CLEAN IT!: I know I don't need to remind you guys of this, but brush those teeth regularly, use mouthwash, and always carry Listerine pocket strips. You never know when you might hook up. Don't chew gum, because it might tire out your mouth, and you need to save energy for marathon pussy-eating.

  EAT OUT: Pussy eating, cunnilingus, going down, dining at the Y . . . call it whatever you want, but make sure you pay extra attention to the details down there. The clitoris is the woman's pleasure button, so press it, lick it, flick it, nibble it, tease it, bite it (gently), rub it, blow on it, tickle it, suck it, and spell the alphabet on it with your tongue and look for her reaction. When you hear her moan, she is telling you that you are doing something right. So do it some more. Fingers are a great accompaniment to eating pussy, but sometimes less is more. Tease her and make her want it. Don't go deep or hard until she begs you. Do not treat a girl's nether regions like they are beef jerky. Do follow her lead, ask her what she likes and what she wants. We don't expect you to know everything, but you should know the basics.

  TOY WITH ME: Sexually liberated women of the millennium have their stash of dildos, pocket rockets, and even porn. However, it is such a turn-on when you guys acknowledge our need to explore and bring us home a surprise. Candy and flowers are still good. Champagne and diamonds, even better. But bringing home a good sex toy like a pair of fur-lined handcuffs, warming lube, a powerful vibrator, or a big fat dildo can totally energize a woman for marathon sex sessions. Advanced toys to buy: Anal love beads and graduated butt plugs can take you to new heights, but don't forget the lube (Eros brand lube is my fave).

  SPLURGE ONCE IN A WHILE: Girls love to be spoiled. A spoiled girl is a turned-on girl, and a turned-on girl likes to put out for her man. If you're not sure what to get your lady, I have three suggestions for some high-end goodies: sexy lingerie (try my own brand, Mistress Couture, but Agent Provocateur rocks too), high heels (try Giuseppe Zanotti or Christian Louboutin on for size), and a glamorous dress (Dolce & Gabbana or Herve Leger are two of my faves). If your lady feels sexy, she will be sexy, and that's a win-win for both of you.

  GET ADVENTUROUS: The best way to spice up your sex life is to be open to new adventures. Try having sex in spontaneous places--fuck her in your car, fuck her in the dressing room at the mall, fuck her in the fancy hotel room you surprised her with, fuck her any place she hasn't been fucked before. And don't forget to take her to sexually charged environments like swingers' clubs, strip clubs, or fetish bars.

  FOR THE GALS . . .

  TAKE CONTROL: When it comes to sex, the woman usually holds all the cards and has the power to give sex the green light. You've got the pussy power. We decide if, when, where, and how it is going to go down. So use that power wisely. Tell your man exactly what you want. Men are not mind readers, but the good ones take direction well. Let them know when you are wet and horny. Make them pull that car over to fuck you then and there.

  DRESS TO IMPRESS: Whether it's a first date or someone you are shacked up with, you should always dress to impress. Invest in good lingerie that fits well. (Stay away from "one size fits all." It doesn't.) Try Agent Provocateur, and of course, my very own private label, Mistress Couture. If you look sexy, you feel sexy and if you feel sexy, well then you are sexy! Trust me, knowing you have crotchless panties on under your business suit or jeans will put a little extra pep in your step. Also, heels not only add a few inches, but they also lift your booty, improve your posture, and lengthen your legs. So, leave the shoes on, ladies, especially when you are going to do some standing doggy!

  GET CREATIVE: As much as many men love their partner to be nothing more than a fuck doll who gets tossed around, it is good to have a few tricks up your sleeve. Go back and reread the section on page 66 on sexual positions or watch my porn to get some visual tips and tricks. For example, reverse cowgirl in front of a mirror not only gives you G-spot stimulation, but gives your man a full view of your beautiful body. You may not want to try compromising positions like a pile driver on your first date.

  KITTY GROOMING: A well-groomed kitty is a happy kitty. Whether you want to go bald with a full Brazilian wax job or leave a California landing strip, a nice presentation of your private parts is important. The pros prefer to wax, and

  I personally get waxed monthly at the Honey Suite in Sherman Oaks, California, where the lovely Dana cares for my kitty. Before an on-camera sex scene, it is common courtesy for the girl to douche before being intimate. The same should go for off-camera sex. It keeps you feeling fresh and smelling good and will encourage your man or woman to go down on you all night long. Another trick of the trade: always use an enema before anal sex. It will provide you the confidence to really let go.

  GO FOR IT: Overcome your sexual inhibitions. Be a flirt, watch porn, have a threesome, try anal sex, or have a one-night stand. Experiment with public sex, give good phone sex, do a girl, kiss strangers. . . . Whatever you do, just be safe and be sexy! It is the only life you have, so go out and live it to the fullest. Tell 'em Tera said so!

  AFTERWARD . . .

  "SLEEPING BEAUTY WAKES UP"

  10/12/09

  Well, I never thought
I'd be writing this chapter. Over the course of putting together this book over the past year, a lot has changed. And the biggest change is that I am no longer with Evan. You probably already know this, as I announced I was divorcing him in September. Oh boy, did our haters have a field day with that news. But it's OK. When my writer, Carrie, and my editor asked me if I wanted to rewrite the book in light of this postdeadline development, I told them no. I meant everything I said and my feelings, thoughts, and ideals were all real at the time. I meant every word of it and I have no regrets. Even though one decision I made early on--the one to let him get into porn--is what ultimately ended my relationship with Evan, I don't even regret that decision. Let me explain.

  Evan and I have been through a lot together. He got me through my suicide attempt, my mental craziness, and my painful split from Digital Playground. He also took me to new heights and helped me achieve more than I ever thought I would. He helped me reap the financial rewards that I couldn't achieve with Digital. Through those experiences, he taught me strength and helped bring out the Tera in me who is smarter, wiser, and more independent. Even though now Evan and I are on separate paths and need to follow our different dreams, I will forever be grateful to him for bringing out the strong woman I always knew I had in me. I wish him the best in the next phase of his life. Life is a journey and Evan has been the most important step in my journey so far. But as I grew with him, I got to a point in life where I learned to be more secure, and I realized I could do it on my own. Writing this book, too, was a journey of self-discovery, an awakening. I see things differently now and my priorities have changed.

  Though Evan and I grew together over our seven-year relationship, we have also grown apart over the past year. We each want different things. I learned that I want to have a normal life. I want a traditional marriage and I want to be a mom. Porn is my past. Evan wants to finish what he started in porn. If you want the dirt, here it is. I gave him an ultimatum: Give up your porn career or give up me. He wouldn't give up porn. Of course, I was heartbroken at first, but now I feel free. Free to do what I really want to do. Free to live my life in a different way. Free to get the happy ending I always wanted, which was to marry a rock star, live happily ever after, and have it be just about me and him. Not him, me, and whatever chick he's fucking the next day. What was once OK to me is no longer OK.

  To explain how it went down, I'll have to start by explaining my choice in men. As you might have noticed while reading this book, I've always been attracted to the bad boy, the rocker, the biker, and the rebel. But with that comes the good and the bad. I don't want to blame my father, but I would not be honest if I didn't admit that maybe his not always being in my life is what drove me to domineering, alpha males. I've depended too much on the men in my life and given them an opening to take control. Over the years, I've let men have power over me. It's a pattern I now see. Good or bad, love him or hate him, Evan is a domineering alpha male.

  I think my dad knows his absence has affected my relationships, and I think he feels a little guilty about that and knows that is why I gravitate to men who are controlling. I love my dad, but by the same token, when I've needed my dad at certain times in my life, he hasn't been there. Other boyfriends have been there and Evan was really there for me. Evan helped me through a lot and helped me be more independent and secure. So independent and secure, in fact, that I was able to walk away from him when I decided things weren't right. But don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Daddy. I did this all on my own, and that's OK. That's what growing up is all about.

  When I started my courtship with Evan, he was a rock star and acting on one of the hottest shows on TV, HBO's Oz. I wanted to marry a rock star and live happily ever after. I didn't want to marry a porn star, and that is what he became. I thought I had my dream fulfilled, but ultimately the dream backfired on me. I know Evan loved me and still does, but I also see that I was his way into porn. (OK, haters, this is where you scream, "No shit!" Go ahead and say it or think it. I can take it. My eyes are wide open now.) He was looking for his entry into porn and he got it through me. So, yeah, I do feel used to some extent, but I can't discount what he did for me in the process. People will gossip and say, "You're just seeing this now?!" But my answer to that is this: I was blinded by love. I believed he would only do porn for a few years and move on. I truly believed him.

  Evan achieved his goal, but in the end I suffered. He was the dominating male who ran my life, and in that I lost a lot of myself. He was living the dream--he was going to bed with Tera Patrick at night and going to work in the morning and fucking another girl. I wanted a husband for life who only loved and wanted me. I wasn't living my dream. However, in the moment, I thought I was.

  On days he would shoot, he'd buy me an expensive gift like Christian Louboutin shoes or Agent Provocateur lingerie, or send me shopping. I might have mistaken those tokens as love then, but I don't buy it now. At the time, I was accepting of it because I knew he loved me and cared about me and would come home to me. He'd come back from a shoot with flowers and act all lovey-dovey, and it was fine for a while. I thought I was OK, but as time went on, I realized material things like Gucci bags and a closet full of clothes and a nice car and a beautiful house (like that Talking Heads' song "Once in a Lifetime") wasn't what I wanted. Like the song, I questioned, "How did I get here?"

  I wanted to marry a rock star, live happily ever after, get out of porn, and get into mainstream. But Evan loves being in porn. That's his dream now. My love wasn't enough to keep us together. His take was this: "I'm having a great time. I'm having my cake and I get to eat it, too." But all I could think toward the end was "What about my cake?" I was willing to let him get into porn to make him happy, but I was sacrificing my own happiness, though I didn't know it at the time. He wouldn't make that one sacrifice for me.

  The beginning of the end for us was at the 2009 AVN Awards in January in Las Vegas when I was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame to commemorate my ten years in the business--five years on my own and five years with Evan. After getting off that stage at AVN, I said, "I'm done." I had accomplished what I set out to do. What else can I do in adult film? I did it all. I conquered a man's world. I was the only woman other than Jenna Jameson who had started her own company and moved on to hire girls and make beautiful movies. I had worked very hard for a very long time and had accomplished what I set out to do. It was time for phase two of my life, but I didn't know it just yet.

  From January 2009 until my thirty-third birthday on July 25, 2009, which was when we were in the middle-to-late stages of writing this book, I began to really reevaluate my life, my goals, my true needs, and think about what my future held. I thought a lot about Evan--the good and the bad. This wasn't a rash decision. I searched my heart and soul for those seven months, but on my birthday, my decision was etched in stone.

  At my party at the Tao nightclub in Las Vegas, there was a pivotal moment when I looked up at Evan, and when he looked back, his eyes did not say, "This is my wife and I adore her and I'm so proud of her and I'm happy to be here with her on her birthday." His eyes said, "Yeah, whatever." I felt like a trophy wife. I felt like this shiny polished AVN award that he was picking up when it was convenient, putting in the spotlight, fanning and waving, and putting it back on the shelf when he was done. Then he would go to party with Cuba Gooding Jr. or Brett Ratner, which is exactly what he did that night. Evan spent more time with Cuba at my birthday party then he did with me, his fucking wife, at my own birthday party. I felt taken for granted and I felt used. I didn't want to be there. I was in a crowded club where all my fans looked at me with more love, devotion, and admiration than my own husband did.

  Evan got what he wanted. He got the trophy wife. He got the big house and the nice cars. He got into porn. He got his connections. He got into the hottest clubs in Vegas, Miami, Los Angeles, and around the world. He regained the fame he once lost from no longer being on Oz or in a hot band. But I didn't get my dream: a man to love me, be with
me, change with me, and evolve with me. The look of true love in his eyes was gone.

  And I remember feeling that emptiness in Tao. All of a sudden I sat down and the music was pulsating and everyone was crowding around me--that was the life-changing moment for me. That switch in my head went off; I got that feeling in my stomach I used to get telling me something is not right here. I felt awful. I didn't feel like a wife or a person. Early on it wasn't about parading me around town; it was about our love, him and I, and that changed. That was really painful. It's painful to be writing these words. I never thought this would happen. I never thought we'd be in this place.

  During those seven months between AVN and my birthday, I felt like I was living in a cloud. My thinking slowly evolved during that time. I was technically living the dream, but what was once fulfilling became unfulfilling. That birthday was reflective for me. Birthdays are always like that for me. Evan always made my special day into his special day--a big party at a flashy club that was very showy with lots of presents, celebrity guests, and people I didn't know. I once liked that, but I no longer do. My next birthday will be at my house with my family and a few close friends who truly care and love me, not "Tera Patrick, the porn star," and who won't be looking over my shoulder to see if a more interesting celebrity or connection is walking in.