Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World- Vol. 13 Read online

  From somewhere behind him, someone gave welcome advice that cleared some of his doubts. He wanted to suck his teeth, but he resisted the impulse. More importantly, Subaru didn’t have enough composure to bother with Echidna.

  Whether it was Satella or Jealousy before him, he could not take his eyes away from either. If his gaze wandered for even a split second, there was no telling what might happen that very—

  “—Ah.”

  Suddenly, Subaru found two hands being offered to him. His throat froze over.

  Subaru had been on guard, not taking his eyes off Jealousy for even a single second. And yet, in an instant, all his efforts were for nothing. It wasn’t that he failed to see. He saw her move from start to finish.

  It was simply that when Jealousy raised her hands toward him, all he could do was watch in silence.

  “Seriously…what’s with you? What do you want me to do…?”

  Subaru shook his head from side to side, refusing the outstretched hands. Seeing Jealousy’s actions and knowing that she was standing right there in front of him made Subaru feel something hot inside his chest.

  It would have been easier if what he felt was hatred or disgust. But this was something else.

  What Subaru Natsuki’s soul felt was relief when he looked at the Witch of Jealousy.

  “i”

  “Wha?”

  Subaru was mostly occupied by the chaos that gripped heart. That explained his delayed reaction to the faint sound that reached his eardrums. His comprehension was delayed as well. It took him a moment to realize that it was Jealousy who had made that sound.

  Veiled by shadow, Subaru was unable to see Jealousy’s expression as both her hands still reached toward him, as if she was slowly attempting to convey something to him.

  Swallowing hard, Subaru waited for her. Finally, the Witch of Jealousy spoke:

  “—I have always, always loved you. You, and you alone.”

  2

  The instant he heard that confession of love, an indescribable impact shot through Subaru’s whole body.

  From the crown of his head to the tips of his toes, he felt like a bolt of lightning had passed through him.

  Every hair on his body was standing up, and every pore was open. All the blood coursing through his body seemed to be boiling and steaming. His chest beat so loud and hard that it hurt. Subaru breathed unevenly as he backed away.

  Subaru knew: He could not stay here.

  If he didn’t leave, her breath would reach him. Her fingers would touch him.

  Instinctively, Subaru understood that if he did not flee to a safe place, he would be swept away by “love.”

  “Stop it…”

  “I love you.”

  “Please stop…”

  “I have always loved you, and only you, with all my heart.”

  “I told you to stop, damn it—!!”

  With a hoarse voice, he spurned her. Still, the fire in Subaru’s chest didn’t abate at all.

  His mind rejected her, but his soul found her a source of comfort. This inconsistency set Subaru’s heart aflame as he wrestled against the contradiction within himself.

  If he didn’t do so, he was absolutely certain that the very core of his being would become totally warped.

  The very first ray of light Subaru Natsuki had found in this world was his love for Emilia.

  Summoned to a foreign place with no one to depend on, she was the one who reached out to him in his time of crisis. How much had her existence been his salvation? During the dark days when he died over and over again, his feelings only grew as his soul cried out for her.

  He could no longer say that his feelings for Emilia were the only reason he continued forging ahead. Subaru had gained a great many things since his arrival. He had met many people whom he now cared for deeply.

  However, the Witch of Jealousy’s compulsion was so powerful that it rivaled all those emotions put together.

  The conversations and warm touches he had shared, the time he had spent with others, the many bonds he had forged—all the love contained within these moments were in danger of being stripped from him despite the fact that there was nothing real between him and this Witch.

  If this wasn’t the definition of repulsive, then what else could it be?

  “You’re insane…you and Echidna both! This place…it’s filled with people who make no sense! I’ve had it! I’m done, damn it!!”

  Subaru scattered angry shouts with a frenzied face, making his refusal as clear as possible.

  He didn’t want to be by Jealousy’s side, in front of Echidna, or stay in the company of the other Witches for a single second longer. Subaru had countless other things he ought to be doing. There was nothing he needed here.

  —This is a waste of time. I want to get out of here, right now. Please, release me…

  “I won’t take help from any of you! I’ll deal with all the problems outside by myself. That’s fine, isn’t it?! That’s what I should’ve done from the start!”

  “And then? You’ll die again, repeat the cycle, and make everyone cry time after time? Then you’ll excuse it by saying their tears are an unavoidable sacrifice? Wow, how admirable of you.”

  When Subaru bid them farewell, Minerva applauded him with a sour look on her face. Subaru turned his bloodshot eyes toward her, yelling “So what?!” and flaring his nostrils as he glared at Minerva.

  “What does it have to with you? You got a problem with Return by Death? The pain, the suffering, the trauma—those are all my problem and no one else’s, damn it. Either way, it’s none of your business.”

  “Must be nice to say you’re resigned to pain and suffering. No matter what the people watching you think, you can keep making excuses by saying you’re the one who has it toughest.”

  “What did you say…?!”

  “If your suffering is the most obvious, no one around you is allowed to say a word. You’re the one suffering the worst, after all…so the weak voices around you just stay silent. Of course they do.”

  As Minerva spoke, the tone of her voice steadily grew stronger and angrier. Subaru could not remain silent.

  “Are you—Are you trying to say I’m drowning in some self-made tragedy just to shut up everyone around me?! That I’m only at a dead end right now because I want to star in my own tragic drama?!”

  “That’s not really what I’m getting at. This it’s fine if I’m the one who’s hurting the most idea is low and unfair. I think Echidna’s a blackhearted schemer, too, and I know exactly how underhanded she can be…but I think you’re twisted in a way that’s creepier than any Witch.”

  “”

  “More than anything, as someone who hits everything that’s hurt to heal it, your way of living isn’t just the direct opposite of mine—it makes you my natural enemy. Something like that is just too cruel for her.”

  After airing all her grievances and slamming them against Subaru’s feelings, Minerva finally looked toward Jealousy.

  Jealousy had gone silent ever since Subaru shouted at her, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with Minerva, or showing any sign of reacting to the conversation at all. The faint tears in Minerva’s eyes told Subaru that she found it a lonely sight. —But that didn’t matter to him at all.

  “Creepy…? Cruel…?”

  Subaru bent forward, his shoulders trembling. The trembling gradually grew stronger until finally, Subaru lifted up his face and laughed. It was so overwhelmingly stupid, he couldn’t help but laugh.

  “The hell is that supposed mean? Creepy or not, why do you think I decided to do things this way? How do you think I ended up becoming ‘twisted’? The way I see it, my methods and my way of thinking are just a natural result of what I’ve been through. Am I wrong?”

  “”

  “You! You made me like this, goddamnit!!”

  Subaru shouted his anger at Jealousy, who seemed to stand there in silence to escape all responsibility.

  Through accepting and using Return
by Death, Subaru had overcome many challenges. The despair he tasted from embracing death again and again was carved into his soul. That was how Subaru had gotten this far.

  —This was the road of scars that had led Subaru Natsuki to his current way of thinking.

  “The pain, the suffering! All that should be for me! If I’m the only one who gets hurt, that’s better for everyone, ain’t it?! No matter how hard it gets, I’ll just clench my teeth and bear it… That way, no one else has to go through what I do! As long as no one but me gets torn up from start to finish…well, what the hell’s wrong with that?!”

  “Shouldering everything by yourself without saying a word to anyone else… It’s as if you think no one besides you is capable of doing anything.”

  “If I didn’t do anything, what would have changed? Wouldn’t we just end up with horrible futures? If not me, then who?! Who else could’ve gotten this far?!”

  Through trial and error by repeatedly using Return by Death, Subaru had discovered the optimal path.

  It was just like Echidna had said. He wasn’t thrilled to agree with the sweet whisperings of the Witch who was taking advantage of his resolve to fulfill her own selfish desires, but he could still stay the course regardless.

  If a scarred Subaru could find a path to a future where no one else had to get hurt, then—

  “Earlier, I said I can’t understand you and that I’m sick of all this. Sorry about that. Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t take even one bit of it back, but it’s true I’m grateful to you, too. It was real shitty of me to forget that in the moment.”

  “”

  “I’m grateful to you for one thing and one thing only. Thanks…for giving me Return by Death. That’s all I’m thankful for. Without that, I wouldn’t have been able to protect a fly. I’ll keep relying on this power from here on out as well. So for that alone, I’m thanking you.”

  He was determined to continue making progress through trial and error. The option of running away had disappeared long ago.

  —Ever since the moment he’d grasped a certain girl’s hands and asked her to run away together, only to be rejected.

  Running was not an option. His only choice was to keep fighting. That was what he’d sworn to do. She expected that from Subaru, too. She trusted that Subaru wouldn’t give, wouldn’t run away.

  She trusted that Subaru was a man who could climb back onto his feet. If he couldn’t do that, he’d never be able to face her again.

  “That’s why I’m thanking you only for the power you gave me. Even a guy like me with no redeeming features can bust through a hopeless dead end like…”

  “—Don’t.”

  “A dead end…like…”

  With one phrase, Jealousy stopped Subaru in his tracks, keeping him from venting the dark emotions dominating the inside of his chest.

  That faint, whisper-like murmur dulled his momentum. His cheeks hardening, Subaru breathed hard as he blinked.

  What did she say to him just then? After a momentary, silent pause, Jealousy spoke to Subaru.

  “—Don’t cry. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t suffer. Don’t…make such a sad face.”

  Jealousy pleaded with Subaru, as if urging him or maybe even praying.

  Her words clouded the fierce emotions in Subaru’s heart; part of it was anger, part of it was surprise, and the rest was a mix of various emotions that made no sense whatsoever.

  “Wh-why are…you saying…”

  His throat caught in shock. He didn’t know how he should respond. All he could do was stare at Jealousy, bewildered…

  Subaru was already shaken, but Jealousy was not done yet.

  “Love, please.”

  “I-in the end, that’s what it’s all about…? You twist my feelings, then tell me to love you? Who’d love someone like…”

  “—No.”

  When Subaru tried to reject her through his trembling, Jealousy engaged him in conversation for the first time. Even then, he could not see her face. However, in his soul, he knew what expression Jealousy was making as she gazed at him from the other side of that curtain of darkness.

  He knew what face Jealousy—no, Satella—was looking at him with at that very moment.

  “—Love yourself more.”

  —She was surely gazing at him with a look of affection.

  Even though the meaning of her words had already permeated Subaru’s brain, it still took a fair bit for them to register. The moment understanding spread through his mind, Subaru’s heart was overwhelmed by a wave of indescribable sensations.

  “What the hell…are you even saying?”

  “Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t be sorry. Take…better care of yourself.”

  “Shit, you’re the one who gave me Return by Death. You’re the one who gave me this power that lets me move forward, damn it!”

  “—I love you. That’s why…I want you to love and protect yourself.”

  “If you take away the way I cope, the way I defend myself, then what the hell do I have left?!”

  Rejecting Satella’s whispers of inexhaustible love, Subaru shouted, pressing his hand hard against his own chest.

  “You know, don’t you?! I don’t have any power! No smarts or special skills, either! I don’t have a single advantage of my own! I don’t have anything but the Return by Death ability you gave me! That’s why the only thing I can pay with is my own life!”

  “Don’t be sad.”

  “If I’m hurt more than other people, if I see more things than other people, if I can run around protecting everyone, then no one but me has to go through this awful stuff! That’s all I want!”

  “Please don’t cry.”

  “You don’t really care what happens to me, do you?! Whatever happens to a guy like me, no one’s gonna shed a tear! No matter how beat-up I get, if everyone can reach the future safe and sound, then that’s…!”

  After all, if Subaru didn’t stay on the front line, continuing to be hurt like that—

  “If I can get to tomorrow without losing anyone, that’s…”

  —There was a chance he might lose someone in a way he could never undo.

  “…Rem’s…gone.”

  “”

  “It never would’ve happened if…if I was smarter, if I had any power, if I’d cared less for myself, if only I’d laid my life on the line in the first place…”

  The sense of loss and despair from that time still weighed heavily on Subaru Natsuki.

  That was why Subaru chose to rely on no one but himself while continuing to fight his painful battles alone. If choosing to rely on someone else or seeking out aid meant he would lose another person dear to him, then—

  “If I don’t believe that…if I don’t believe that there has to be a way to make this work…”

  If he could master how to use it, Subaru wouldn’t have to lose anything.

  He could solve everything with Return by Death.

  If he lost faith in that idea, if he stopped telling himself his suffering was necessary and he couldn’t convince himself anymore, then how could he ever confront that despair again…?

  “I…! I don’t wanna lose anyone else like how I lost Rem—!!”

  Clutching his head, Subaru screamed in denial of anything and everything beyond himself.

  He realized that at some point, he’d slumped to the ground. With Satella right before his eyes, he was cowering inside his shell, shutting out her soft, tiny whispers.

  She was poison. A deadly substance. Satella’s very existence was like a sweet venom that melted Subaru’s hardened heart. As it melted, frigid despair seeped into the cracks that had opened up, dredging up the crushing loss he felt that day.

  “You’re not a child, are you?”

  Out of the blue, he heard a voice murmur.

  As Subaru tearfully shouted while stubbornly clinging to the conclusion he’d reached all alone, one of the Witches who had been silent so far looked directly at Subaru as she muttered, shaking her head in disapproval
.

  “Crying, mewling, throwing a tantrum, taking on everything by yourself…that’s just like…”

  “”

  “…a sad, lonely child, no?”

  With a pitying voice, Sekhmet passed judgment on Subaru. Not one of the wordless Witches present uttered a word of denial. Everything she had said rung true.

  In this moment, Subaru was nothing but a small, frail child. It was too painful to even watch.

  “—Baru, are you crying…?”

  As he remained on his knees, Subaru abruptly felt his head being enveloped by something soft. Through his teary vision, he saw Typhon, the olive-skinned little girl who governed Pride.

  Standing at his side, the little girl was gently embracing Subaru’s head. Then, without moving from her spot—

  “It’s so sad seeing you cry like this… Who’s the one who made you cry?”

  Pitying Subaru, Pride surveyed the Witches gathered at the tea party with her red eyes. He sensed that the dangerous look in her gaze was slowly but surely causing the strained, tenuous equilibrium between the Witches to crumble.

  “Was it Tella? Daffy? Milla? Sigh? Or was it Nerva who…well, I guess probably not. Then was it Dona who did something bad to you again? Who was bad?”

  “Wh-why did you take me off the list right away? Even I can h-h-hurt someone, you know.”

  “Your face goes pale just from imagining it. You’re not capable. More importantly, why was I the only one who came out as a firm suspect, I wonder? It makes me want to meet the parents who raised you and question them in great detail…”

  “Because that is a daily affair for you, sigh.”

  Typhon vigilantly watched the Witches as they reacted. She was eager to root out the “bad person who made Subaru cry.” The fact that the suspects were her fellow Witches was no reason for them to be exempt from her punishment.

  Still, these women all possessed supernatural powers that could destroy whole nations or perhaps even the entire world itself. With all of them gathered in the same place at the same time and ready to lash out at the slightest provocation, this tea party was more dangerous than playing with matches next to a powder keg.