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  She followed me, touched my shoulder, and said, “You know, if this is for us, God will work it out. He cares about us, Cass. Trust that His plan for our lives is the one we need to follow.”

  I just looked at her. What was she talking about? See, that was my whole issue with Christian people. They were always thinking that God was going to work it out even when people didn’t deserve grace.

  I couldn’t imagine, if there was some justified person ruling the world, that He’d be pleased with her actions. She wasn’t rude to me, but she wasn’t too friendly. Yeah, we could talk at home, but on campus she acted as if she didn’t know me. We could be walking in the same direction toward class, but if she was with her friends, she would turn the other cheek and not acknowledge me at all. Where was the good in treating people like trash? When I had figured out what she was doing, I started giving her the ice-cold shoulder at home.

  “You’re straight. No need to explain or try to justify who you want to roll to the meeting with. I’ll see you there. No worries,” I said to her as she smiled, thinking everything was cool between us.

  Whatever! Her girls had gotten into her ear, and I knew what the deal was. We shared the same space but not the same world. She just kept on primping. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my white Honda Accord and headed to the Betas’ sorority room on campus for the rush.

  I got there early. I was usually a punctual person, and this was no exception. The Betas who had mentored me back home had told me the importance of being timely. No CP Time, they’d always say. I guess it had stuck with me. So I sat in my car and chilled.

  I watched the girls go by, both Betas and the ones who wanted to be in the group, and I pondered whether I still wanted to be a part of snooty Alpha chapter. Alpha chapter thought they were all that. And though they were cute, had style, and were academically on point, the air they gave off was so funky that smelling a sewer had nothing on it.

  It was just so funny to me since they’d been through so much over the past few years. That Western Smith was the birthplace of the sorority was being overshadowed by the recent turmoil the girls had faced. Hazing charges, stalkers, and a tragic accident had taken a toll on the chapter, but even through all that, they had still bounced back, which was beyond me.

  It had been so hard for me to sleep recently, and if I went to this rush and they didn’t impress me, I was going to walk out, showing them where they could stick their letters. I was not interested in joining a group of women who cared more about primping than serving their community.

  The doors were closing to their sorority room, and I’d just barely made it before Loni shut the door. She looked me up and down, and I could tell she was not happy I was almost late. I knew she thought she had what I wanted, but only I knew why I wanted to be a Beta so bad. It was the deep desire to serve with my whole heart. Loni may not have known it or believed it, but she needed me. I’d be an asset to Alpha chapter.

  I was deeply impressed with the sorority room. It was the first time I’d ever been in there, so I was awestruck. I had walked by their closed front door several times all last year wondering what adorned the walls inside. Now I was in admiration looking at the gorgeous pictures of the founders. All five ladies in the black-and-white photo looked so lovely yet serious. Something in their eyes was enticing. I knew they were tired of things being the same in boring old Arkansas, and they had changed it. I’m sure they’d liked boys and loved grooving to cool sounds that were popular in their time, but on that picture before me it was clear their focus was on making the world better for their kind. Chills went up and down my back, and I thought about extending their dream.

  My attention was deterred when someone from the front of the room called everyone to order. “Okay, if I can just have your attention. I’m Malloy Murray, chapter President. We’re about to get started with the rush for the ladies of purple and turquoise. Could everyone take a seat, please?”

  There were more than a hundred girls in the room. Clearly, this was going to be a big line. We were seated on one side of the room, and the Betas were in front of us, seated as well. I really didn’t have anybody to hang out with so I sat alone with an empty seat between me and Sam’s crew.

  Malloy continued. “We’re going to introduce ourselves to you, and then we’ll have Torian come up and lead you all in an exercise so we can get to know you better. First, though, I’d like to introduce you to Dr. Garnes. She is our new chapter adviser and we’re so honored to have her serve. She doesn’t say much, but when she speaks it’s powerful.”

  The lady waved at us, and we waved back before she stood and said, “Thanks, Malloy, for those kind words. Hello, ladies. As she said, I’m Dr. Garnes. I am here for you all as an adviser, and I do want you to know that no one should be involved in prehazing activities. If any Beta asks you to do anything, and I’m not around, it’s not considered legitimate, and you should not comply. Any questions?”

  Torian’s eyes were rolling as she hit her buddy Loni in the arm. I could tell she wasn’t feeling the adviser. I was happy though that the adviser was tough. Their old adviser had obviously been too soft on them, and thus they had been able to get into so much trouble.

  Two rows in front of us was a girl sitting alone. She was jittery and twirling something in her hands. Sam’s crew was laughing at her like they were all that. One girl in Sam’s crew had on a dress that needed ironing. Another girl was in desperate need of a perm. And the other girl—the ringleader, named Cheryl—had horribly stained yellow teeth. I wasn’t judging, but they didn’t need to be laughing at nobody. They quickly hushed up when the Betas looked perturbed that they were being rude.

  Because I already knew most of the Betas, when they were introducing themselves I fixed my attention back on the wall of pictures. The pictures on the purple partition illustrated how the sorority had grown over the years, and the real letters of signed past presidents throughout the room intrigued me. Of all the chapters of Beta Gamma Pi, being a member of Alpha chapter just added a little something special.

  “All right, now we want to hear from you guys and find out why you want to be a part of Beta Gamma Pi,” Torian said condescendingly, as if none of us could possibly give an answer that would merit impressing any of the Betas.

  The girl next to Sam stood up and spoke first. “Hi, my name is Marietta, and I’m from Orangeburg, South Carolina. I love the parties you guys throw. There is a lot of respect—”

  “Ugh, stop. Next,” Torian interjected.

  Marietta was cut off quickly. The next girl got up and expressed how much she liked the colors. The girl after her talked about the Bee-goh-p call. This simply had to be a joke.

  “If you don’t have anything meaningful to tell us, y’all need to walk out right now,” Torian said as her adviser got on her for obviously being mean-spirited. “I’m just saying, give us an answer of substance.”

  Alyx looked directly at me. She lifted her hand in an upward motion. I knew she wanted me to speak because I knew my stuff. My passion for this organization was real, and she could tell. I hadn’t come here because of them. I had come here because I wanted to be a part of the ongoing history.

  So I boldly stood. “Hi, my name is Cassidy Cross, and I would be honored and humbled to be a member of Beta Gamma Pi sorority. Though I come from humble beginnings, the Betas intervened, and they practically raised and shaped me. My mom was never around because she worked all the time, and I was always home with my uncle and my aunt. My aunt was more like my sister, at just a few years older than me. If it weren’t for the Betas telling me I could be more, do more, and have more, I don’t even know if I’d be in school right now. For me, it’s not just about wanting to be a part of this dynamic group because of the colors, parties, and letters—I want to be a Beta because I can help expand the founders’ mission. I strongly believe in the principles Beta Gamma Pi stands on: leadership, education, sisterhood—”

  “Okay, okay. You know your stuff,” Torian said. “Some of
y’all need to wise up and learn a lesson from her.”

  The Betas who had been so hard on me were sending positive and approving looks my way. As soon as the rush was over, Sam and her crew asked when we could chill. I didn’t answer them and just kept walking. Yeah, we might be on the line together, but I wasn’t fake or phony. I certainly wasn’t gonna act like we were going to be best friends because I knew more about the organization they wanted to be a part of. I was not an airhead. Yeah, I might’ve once been wild, but I had substance. Instead of looking down their noses at other folks, those girls needed to do their own research. I was not a library, and I was not going to help them gain the knowledge they lacked.

  “I’d like to get with you guys, too,” said the girl who had been sitting alone.

  “Please! We didn’t even ask you,” Cheryl said.

  “Here. Take my number and give me a call,” I said to the girl when I saw her dramatically tear up after being dissed by Sam and her crew.

  When I smiled at her, I knew I’d given the girl hope. I looked over at Sam, and she couldn’t even look me in the eye. She knew she and her friends were trifling. I walked away knowing I had helped make someone’s day. Being a part of the solution and not the problem made me feel good.

  It didn’t take the girl any time to give me a call. We got together the very next day. She told me her name was Isha, and she was a junior as well. We met over breakfast and found we had some of the same classes. The day after that we got together for a study session for our psychology class.

  A week later, I’d come to the conclusion that she was cool. The only quirk I found was that she was really, really into God. I found out the object she had been twirling when I’d first seen her was a cross she’d had for ten years. Every other conversation we had was about God this or our Savior that. She’d been bugging me since I met her to go to church with her.

  Friday night while Sam was getting ready to go out with her crew to a Beta jam at a school up the way, I decided I needed something, and maybe church was it. So as Isha kept asking I finally gave in. She called it a seeker-style service.

  “I don’t wanna sound ignorant or anything, but what’s a seeker-style service? What do they do different?” I asked on the way there.

  Excitedly, she raved, “Oooo, great question. The style is not boring. It’s gonna be cool. The setting is like a theater, and the service is set up like a play. You’ll get the message that God loves you, and He sent His only Son to die for your sins. It’s not gonna be pushy, and our youth pastor is so good you’ll be ready to give your heart to God. I know you’re supposed to be here tonight, Cassidy. I can feel it.”

  I knew that was far-fetched. How in the world was a service or sermon going to make me think there was someone up there? My upbringing had been so hard. Some days there’d been no food, and there’d always been tons of pain seeing my mother sad most of the days—I just knew a God who was supposed to love me could not allow us to suffer so.

  An hour later as I sat in the dark theater that didn’t look like a church, I saw a skit of a girl getting raped by the most popular guy in high school. It was like déjà vu all over again. The same character wanted to commit suicide, and an angel came down from the top curtain, signifying Heaven, I guess, and told her she was worthy.

  Isha was right. I was supposed to be there at that moment because something came over me, and I felt so different. I felt that even though Sam and I were disconnected, if I reflected back, she had prayed for me. Maybe just like the character on stage, God had given me another chance. I tried not to get emotional, but as Isha had verbalized, a fine young pastor—in his early twenties and about six feet with a nice frame—started talking.

  “Did you see that broken young lady? Did you witness a true miracle of the Lord? This young lady gave herself to God, and He forgave her sins.”

  I just fell to my knees; I felt too different. His words had touched me enough to give me hope. My mom wasn’t there to love me, and I had never known my dad. There were some things in my past that had hurt me so bad I had blocked them out. And to be so young and go through so much, I guess I had just never thought God was real. In my darkest hour, God had seen me through.

  “Is there anybody out there who wants to be renewed?” Pastor Konner Black preached. “Or wants to be healed? Come on down right now and let the Lord give you reason to go on and a reason to wake up tomorrow.”

  I rose to my feet and made my way down the aisle to the altar with a heavy heart. I finally understood that though I couldn’t see a God up there, He was present. And only in Him could I be fulfilled and truly have purpose.

  4

  BARRIER

  “I’m tired of us walking around not speaking to each other,” Sam said to me when I was studying for a test. “The tension is weighing me down, Cass.”

  Angrily, I threw down my pen, stopped doing my homework, and said, “That’s your choice. I’ve never changed. I’ve been the same way with you. You got with your little friends and decided I wasn’t worthy of your time. The problem is you never took into account that we had something tight. They might not like my style, they might think I’m a little too wild, but you know everything I’ve been through. Particularly lately, Samantha. And I guess I just never thought you’d throw all that away just to please girls who are so fickle. Watch yourself, or they’ll be throwing you to the curb.”

  “Will we ever be able to get past it?” she asked me with eyes that held mine.

  I knew she used to be sincere. Honestly now, though, I didn’t know if she was just coming to me because, out of all of us who had attended rush last week, I was the only one who really knew my stuff. Now that the Betas didn’t deem me as having the party-girl mentality, she wanted to be attached to me. It just seemed too coincidental, too fake, and too phony. I wasn’t going to fall for it and then have her dump me when her crew decided to tell her to again.

  I grabbed my books, shook my head, went to my room, and shut the door. However, I instantly felt uneasy about being too blunt. I really felt my heart weighing on me like I had a conscience, which was new for me because this whole Christianity thing was still in its infancy stage, as far as I was concerned. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and not take her word. If God could forgive me for all my crazy ways, I was supposed to be able to do the same. I was only human, but I had capacity to forgive. How could God be pleased with my sorry actions?

  So I dropped to my knees and prayed, “Lord, all this is new for me. I’m sorry I’m not as sweet as I need to be. Help me, but right now I just can’t trust her.”

  “There were two letters in the mail!” Sam rushed up and said five days after we’d turned in our sorority packets and had our interviews.

  I didn’t know Beta Gamma Pi protocol, so whether the letters meant something good, something bad, or could go either way, I had no idea. I mean, they’d never told us we were getting a phone call. Since rush, after we’d met their adviser who had told us to come to her with any drama, the Betas had actually been trying to keep as much distance as possible.

  Sam and I weren’t as rude to each other anymore. The smart little comments, keeping our things labeled in the refrigerator, or staying longer in the bathroom to irritate the other were dismissed over the last days. However, we were not tight, either. So whatever was in my envelope was my business. Whatever was in hers, she could share if she wanted, but I wasn’t going to pry.

  “Thanks, you can hand that to me,” I said to her, extending my hand as I waited for the envelope addressed to Cassidy Cross.

  “You don’t want to open them together?” she asked as her body jumped nervously. “I’ve really been praying about us working through our differences. I do care a lot for you. Cassidy, please give me another chance.”

  “Fine,” I said sarcastically, and I vented even more. “I don’t know how we went wrong, where we veered off. Oh! I guess I do know, you let other people—”

  “I know, I know, I know,” Sam said. “I’m so
rry. I know you and I don’t think alike, but we do live together. It’s not just because I have to get along with you that I want us to reconnect, it’s because I miss you. I want our sisterhood back.”

  She reached out to hug me. I had to dig deep then, and I realized I did miss her as well. As far as I knew, she hadn’t put my business out in the street, so even though we’d had turmoil, she had still remained somewhat loyal. Sam was a great girl, and I was a better person with her as my friend, not my foe. I hugged her.

  Holding me tight, she said, “Thank you, Cass. Thanks for forgiving me.”

  “Thank you for saving me,” I said, remembering that she had cared about me when I didn’t care about myself.

  When we pulled apart, she handed me my letter. “Both of our letters look just alike, so let’s open them together. Good thing is, I heard that if you get a letter quickly that means you have to pay your membership fee. The other people who didn’t make the line receive their letters from Grand Chapter, which is going to take a little longer, so I think we both got in!”

  “All right, let’s open them. One, two, three,” I said, and we tore open the letters together. We both skimmed, and suddenly we were jumping up and down—until I read the fine print that said a cashier’s check or money order in the amount of seven hunded fifty dollars needed to be paid by midnight the next day.

  I did the only thing I could do—I called some of the Betas from back home. The two who had written my recommendation letter and who had mentored me when I was younger rounded up the Alumni chapter and wired me the money that night. They didn’t have to do it, but I guess because of the love and support of the sisterhood, it was no big deal. I appreciated the monetary gesture and would forever be grateful. If it weren’t for them, there would be no BGP for me.