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  Finally, I went for the attack—took my hand and grabbed his neck. “You raped me.”

  “What? You’re dreaming,” he said. “You asked for it in every way.” He took my arm and twisted it behind my back. “And don’t you even think about going to the cops.”

  “Stop!” I shouted in agony. “You’re hurting me! Let go!”

  “Not until you understand that you don’t need to be making no remarks like that. Everybody at the party saw you coming on to me and eyeing me down. Don’t try to cry rape now. I gave you everything you asked for. You’re sorry now, and you just need to deal with it. Now for the last time, get out and leave me out of it.”

  I didn’t know if I could do that, but I knew I had to leave. I jetted to the front door, hating all that had happened.

  When I reached my apartment, I felt worthless. My hands were trembling so badly I could barely open the front door, and eventually my roommate, Samantha Kelly, came to help. She was a cool girl from Alabama who had grandparents in Arkansas. She was really laid back and relaxed, so she was always able to calm me down.

  “Cass, what are you doing? Girl, I didn’t know who was out here messing with the doorknob,” she said while holding on to the steel bat we kept at the door for protection.

  She played softball at our school and, like me, she wanted to pledge Beta Gamma Pi. Without noticing something was wrong with me, she blabbed about an upcoming Beta event.

  “I was hoping you’d get here soon. A lot of us who are trying to pledge Beta are getting together to discuss if they’ve heard word of the Betas having a line. A fall line, that is. Because they didn’t have a line last year, this is supposed to be the biggest line to be brought over. Are you listening to me?” she asked when I stared at the bare wall instead of at her face. She finally realized I was in a daze. She reached out to hug me, and I jerked back. “What’s wrong? Talk to me, Cass.”

  I wanted so badly to blurt out, “I’ve been raped! Just help me!” but my body helplessly fell to the floor.

  She was reluctant to hug me again. “Please talk to me, Cassidy, please.” Her phone rang. “It’s some of the girls. They wanna talk about the Beta Gamma Pi thing, but I don’t wanna leave you alone. Something’s not right. Was it Al Dutch? I saw you with him at the party, and you guys were hot and heavy. Then I saw you leave with him. Did he hurt you?”

  In a whisper, I uttered, “I wish he’d left me alone and looked in another direction, talked to another girl or something.”

  “Did things not go well? Did he reject you?” she asked, now seriously concerned.

  I looked over at her, held my stomach, and said, “I wish he’d done anything but what he did.”

  “You guys looked really into each other. So many of the girls from Beta Gamma Pi came up to me and asked if you knew what you were doing because you’re not supposed to come off as promiscuous.”

  I looked up with tears in my eyes and said, “So because I was a little flirty, that meant I wanted to give it up to him, that it was okay for him take it? My consent out on the dance floor gave him a reason to rape me?”

  “What?” she said, reaching for me again.

  “I—” I couldn’t even finish, and I just started bawling.

  She held me in her arms. “Cass, I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know. We gotta call the police. You have to report this. You gotta get to the hospital. Even though he’s our SGA president, you can’t let him get away with this.”

  “Ugh! Just leave. I don’t want you to get involved, and I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Just go.”

  “I’m not gonna leave you like this. We’re going to the hospital,” Sam insisted as she tugged me toward the door.

  Removing her hand from my shirt, I shouted, “I’m not going anywhere! You said it yourself that no one’s gonna believe me, and I practically asked for it. Go!”

  I guess I yelled and screamed enough because she finally left me by myself. Before I could even get to the bathroom and soak in the shower to get his stench off me, I went into the kitchen and just collapsed in a heaping, crying ball.

  2

  GARBAGE

  Sam must have heard my cries because she came running back into the kitchen. “Oh, my gosh! Cassie, what’s going on, girl? Something told me to come back here. I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

  I was just trembling, unable to comprehend what was happening. I was so weak I couldn’t hold myself up. Emotionally exhausted, I cried, “I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna feel like this. I just let a man rape me. What’s wrong with me?”

  All of a sudden I heard Sam praying behind me. “Lord, you gotta help my roommate. She experienced something awful tonight and doesn’t know how to cope. Help her to see it through, Lord. Please, help her know You’re here. Help her know You care. I love her so much, and I can’t lose her. If You’re listening, Lord, and I know You’re listening, help her.”

  I have never been someone to sit and talk with the Lord and let Him know how I feel. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have felt so empty right now. I admired that Sam believed He was real. Though I wasn’t ready to make that leap of faith and commit, I was intrigued that she had gone to her God on my behalf. It did something to me that I couldn’t explain. It was like I found Cassidy Cross again. Though I was so shaken, so vulnerable, and so scared, I was stable.

  “Thank you,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Sam questioned.

  “Yes,” I insisted, realizing now that after receiving her help, I did feel better.

  Sam began to make some soup for me. As she cooked, we chatted over warm tea, but throughout our conversation, Sam’s cell phone kept ringing.

  “Somebody’s trying to get you. Don’t you think you need to answer?” I asked her.

  “It’s all right. I’d rather be here for you right now.”

  “Thank you. But I feel different now. It’s time for me to take responsibility for my actions. It’s obvious that you can’t judge a book by its cover. I was being so naive, and I thought Al Dutch was this great guy. I don’t know. I do know that this was an eye-opening experience for me, though.”

  As we sat in the living room, we continued talking. Sam didn’t want me out of her sight, so we talked until we could talk no more and fell asleep on the couch.

  Sam’s phone rang, awakening us at three in the afternoon the next day, and she was irritated when she checked the number. “Ugh! They’re just going to have to go on without me.”

  “What—who’s going to have to go on without you?” I asked.

  “The Betas are having their Party Till Dawn back-to-school jam tonight, and they expect all of us prospects to be there if we want to be on the line. How can I go now? You being okay is more important to me than going to some party,” Sam said, though I could tell she was disappointed about not being able to go to the Beta party.

  “Wow. Girl, you are a better roommate to me than I am to you,” I said to her, digging her loyalty.

  “What are you talking about, Cass?”

  “I don’t know. You’re saying you’re not going to the Beta party, which is something you passionately wanna be a part of. Instead you would rather make sure I’m all right. I mean, we’ve always been cool, but we hang in different circles. I didn’t know you had my back like that.”

  “Well, I would love for you to hang out with my friends. People do look down on us because we don’t wear the coolest clothes and we look like nerds, but we don’t mind. Though being a member of Beta Gamma Pi is what I really want, I could never live with myself if I wasn’t there for you tonight.” She came over and held my hands. “Don’t believe what anybody has to say about you. You are worth something.”

  “Thanks. I guess I just felt like his trash.”

  “I’m kinda upset that you’re not gonna press charges, but then I do understand the concept of it all. Are you sure you’re okay, Cassidy?” Sam asked sincerely.

  “Yes, I gotta just thi
nk better, do better, be better. I know that my actions have consequences. I’m happy that I got a roommate who really cares, but I’m not going to let you stay here and miss the party because of me. Have fun, girl.”

  Putting her hand on her hip, Sam said defiantly, “Oh, no. I’m not leaving you again.”

  “Well, I guess I’m going then.” I got up. “I’m not going to hold you back. We’re in this pledging thing together. I’m not all right, but sitting here sulking is not gonna help me be all right either.”

  So I felt like I’d been run over repeatedly by a Mack truck, yet there I stood at the Beta Gamma Pi bash. My self-esteem was low to the ground, and my dignity had been thrown out of the window. Being at this Beta party reminded me of the events that had taken place the previous night. I didn’t want to be there, but I was pulling for Sam, and I also didn’t want to completely ruin my own chances of pledging Beta.

  “Oh, my gosh! There are more people here than at the SGA party last night. Oooo, we’re gonna have a good time!” Sam said to me.

  I didn’t even respond. She was way too excited. I kept my mouth shut, and I let her continue to admire the scene. I had just been through something awful, and as I looked at the Betas checking every one of us out, I thought, This ain’t even worth it. They think I’m crap, and I feel like trash, so what’s the point of even trying to be a part of their sorority?

  As soon as I turned around, Alyx Cruz, the cool Spanish Beta girl who had given me advice, smiled at me. She lifted her chin as if to say everything was gonna be all right.

  I just wished I could go back in time and replay my actions. I hadn’t had anything to drink, so I hadn’t been tipsy. I knew what I was doing. I wanted Al Dutch to notice me and make me his girl. But when he’d taken it a step further and taken advantage of me like I was nothing, it was dead wrong, and he needed to pay the consequences.

  “Now, you look like you’re ready to jump on somebody. See, I told you you shouldn’t have come. You should’ve rested and stayed home,” Sam said loudly.

  I gave Sam a sharp look. She didn’t need to tell my business to everyone within hearing distance. It wasn’t only that—I appreciated her concern—but this was my mess, and I needed to work through this alone. I didn’t need anyone holding my hand through this outrageous ordeal. This was my own battle I had to fight.

  There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to erase life’s events from my mind. I was going through a roller coaster of emotions, and I knew if I saw Al Dutch at that moment it wouldn’t be myself I was trying to take out of this world. It would be Al Dutch.

  “Um, did you know the dance team was coming tonight?” Sam said, trying to quickly change the subject, pointing to the door.

  I was speechless. Here I was, captain of the dance team, and there were all nine of them dressed alike, with tight shirts and miniskirts, doing a little strut. Finally, I answered her question. “No, I didn’t. I’m gonna go over and see what’s up. I’ll be back.”

  “Yeah, I’m gonna get up with my crew and see if the Betas need us to get more refreshments, help out the deejay, or something. Don’t want them to say I didn’t offer to help.”

  I was confused for two reasons at this point. I mean, first, why did these Betas think they were above the law? They had only recently been allowed to hold pledging activities on campus again. We weren’t supposed to be doing anything for them—even helping the deejay—until we were officially on line. Now, I could understand them making sure we supported their events—that was cool. But doing chores for them? That was hazing, and I wasn’t doing it, and they shouldn’t want me or Sam to, because if anybody found out about it, they would be in trouble. And word going around was if anything else negative got out about them, there would be no more Alpha chapter of Beta Gamma Pi. Everyone knew campus administration and Beta Gamma Pi’s national officers had just granted them permission to be back on campus after being off the yard for serious hazing violations last year. Secondly, I couldn’t believe my own dance team was here, and it was unbeknownst to me. I could see them looking at me. They had gall, and they looked stank with attitude. I needed some answers.

  So I walked over to them, and the cocaptain, Ginger, got all in my face. I hadn’t even said anything, and she was already giving me attitude. “What’s the problem? Yeah, you’re the captain, but we’re not kids, and we don’t need your permission for gigs. We’re not in uniform, and we really don’t wanna be led by someone with a reputation like yours, all on the dance floor with our SGA president like that. That was the last straw, and we want you out. Get away from us. We’re discussing this with the band director on Monday.”

  The rest of the girls didn’t say anything to collaborate with her story, but they didn’t say anything to back me up either. Meagan wasn’t there. I wondered if she was still with Al Dutch. Realizing it wasn’t my concern either way and that I wasn’t gonna let these jealous girls ruin my night, I walked away. I definitely didn’t want to be anywhere I wasn’t wanted. The bigger problem was I didn’t know if I wanted to be around me either. Now I was down again. So far I was in a hole of doom, and I wasn’t sure if there was a way out.

  “I don’t know why she’s wearing a size eight when her butt knows she needs to be in a fourteen,” I overheard Torian say to her line sister Loni. I looked around, and I realized they were talking about me.

  We’d all been in school together for a few years, but Betas Torian and Loni were seniors. Though they hadn’t had a line last year, I knew them well. The chapter President Malloy Murray, who was the National President’s daughter, was standing right in the middle of them. I couldn’t tell if she was laughing along with them, but she certainly wasn’t defending me either. Torian continued.

  “Look at her. Even her own dance members don’t want her. She’s the last one I’m voting into Beta Gamma Pi, for real. Did y’all hear how scandalous her dance moves were on the dance floor last night? And where has she been? Everybody and their mama know that Al Dutch is nasty!”

  “You used to like him,” Loni quickly reminded her friend.

  Torian said, “Yeah, till I woke up and smelled the crap he was shooting out his tail. Ain’t no telling what his tired behind got, and he wasn’t gonna give it to me.”

  I rushed to the bathroom. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that this dude could’ve gotten me pregnant, given me an infection, or, even worse, given me AIDS. I just shook my head. It felt as if three pounds of oversize bricks had been dropped on me. So much of what had happened last night was messed up. And as the Betas pointed out, so much of it was my fault.

  “What have I done?” I yelled out, thankful that no one else was in there.

  I held my abdomen as the images of last night’s events played over and over again in my mind. And now of course my mind was playing tricks on me because I threw up. Oh, no! Did this mean I was pregnant? Settle down, Cassidy, I told myself. It’s too early for you to be pregnant. I went over to the sink and threw freezing water on my face. When I looked up, I realized water wasn’t the only thing covering my face—it was now joined with warm tears. I felt worthless. So empty. Like nothing.

  I put my head back down in the sink. I needed a hand to erase my anguish. I needed help figuring out where to go from here. Suddenly, as I rose, I was stunned to find Alyx Cruz behind me as if she’d heard my plea.

  “You can’t let them intimidate you,” she said as she placed her hand on my back. I had been so jittery lately that I didn’t even know how to react. Her gesture was actually soothing, and I could tell Alyx was there for me as a friend.

  “I messed up so badly,” I cried to Alyx.

  “We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. And I know you came here tonight because Beta Gamma Pi is still in your heart. I’m only one person, not the chapter, so I can’t promise anything. But I love your spirit and your vulnerability. You’re real. A lot of these girls are jealous because they wish they could have some attention. Remember w
hat I told you last year?” I shook my head, wanting her to repeat her words of wisdom. “Tone it down a little before you attract things you don’t want.”

  She couldn’t possibly know how powerful those words were for me right now. But it was too late. I had already dug myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of.

  “I can tell you want some time alone, so I’m not gonna stay.” She took my hands. “But I just want you to understand that there will be times when we get to a place where we feel we have no hope. But I wanna tell you right now, whether you get to join Beta Gamma Pi or not, you are something special, so start living like it. Hold your head up high and remember that you’re special and can be anything.”

  3

  PURPOSE

  It was two weeks later, and I was getting ready to head over to the Beta Gamma Pi rush event. I was hoping Sam was also going to attend. “So are we going to the Beta Gamma Pi rush together or not?” I asked Sam.

  She just looked at me and rolled her eyes. It’s funny what time can do. It took only a night for Al Dutch to turn me from wild, crazy, and daring to crude and boring Cassidy Cross. And it took two weeks for me and my roommate to get to the point where we couldn’t stand being around each other.

  “You don’t have to be so mean about it,” she said, being nicer than she’d been in the last couple days.

  I didn’t know why she was being sweet. After all, I wasn’t crazy. I knew her girls had told her if she wanted to pledge she was going to have to cut me loose. Now that she knew I was gonna make it and deal with my tragedy on my own, she had to decide. Actions clearly spoke louder than words. For her to get herself where she wanted to be in life, I was a casualty she had to distance herself from.

  “I’m just going to go with my friends, Cassidy. All right?” Sam said, not wanting to hurt my feelings.

  I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I wasn’t going to beg anybody to chill with them. She had chosen the other chicks, and that was fine with me. I could stand alone.