Chasing Ever After Read online

  “Your relationship with Ky, do you feel like it’s missing something because you two aren’t, umm, physically … ?”

  “You mean because we haven’t had sex yet?”

  “Well I didn’t want to put it so bluntly, but yeah.”

  I watched her face as she considered my question carefully. “No. I mean sex is a good thing, so it’s natural, when you’re with someone, to want to express it in that way and I’ve struggled with it.” That surprised me. She’d always been so adamant and resolute in her beliefs, that I’d never considered it was difficult for her. “But ultimately, we’re stronger because we waited.”

  “Has it been hard on Ky?”

  “What do you think? You’ve known him longer than I have. You know that his relationships have always been purely physical. He respects what I believe, but you should have seen him when I told him he had to start sleeping on the couch because sharing a bed with him was too much for me.”

  Damn. I mean, I knew they weren’t sleeping together, but I couldn’t imagine not even sharing a bed.

  “Yeah, that’s pretty much the same face he made.” I guess my thoughts must have showed in my expression. “He would kill me for telling you all this, but this has been our biggest issue to work through. It almost came between us.”

  “Wow, really? I never saw it. I thought he was cool with you wanting to wait.”

  “He was. It took some time for him to understand how much it meant to me, that for us it needed to be something different than what he did with all those other girls, but it wasn’t the waiting that was so hard for him to deal with.”

  I was confused. I didn’t understand what could be harder than that.

  I heard her let out a deep sigh, “You need to listen up Ace, this may be a little bit awkward for you to hear, I know it’s awkward for me to talk about, but I’m not embarrassed about my beliefs. I have zero regrets in that department. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on a single experience, but Ky, he has a list of regrets hundreds of girls long, and he doesn’t even remember most of their names. Tonight, I’m going to give Ky something that nobody else has ever touched. I saved myself for this day, this moment, for him. Can you imagine how guilty he feels, how much it bothers him that he can’t give that to me?”

  “It shouldn’t though, I mean that was just sex. It didn’t mean anything, and anyone with eyes can see that it’s different with you, that you mean everything to him.” She got a sad look in her eyes, almost like she felt sorry for me.

  “It’s never just sex Ace. There is no such thing as ‘just sex’. It always means something, even if that meaning is shallow. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I have to live with the fact that Ky will come to bed with memories of hundreds of other girls and experiences. I know he loves me in a way that he never loved them, but a part of me, even now, still feels like I’ll be competing against each and every one of them.” Her voice was a little shaky and I could see that none of this was easy for her to share, but she drew in a deep breath, exhaled and continued.

  “I used to worry about it a lot more. A tiny voice inside of me would whisper that I wouldn’t be enough for him. I didn’t know how to handle that fear, but I finally told him how I felt not long before we got engaged. It crushed him to know he was causing me pain. One of the only times I’ve ever seen him cry is when he told me he wished he could take it all back for me.”

  I could think of a few times I’d seen him cry, like when I had to tell him Connor had stabbed her and left her to bleed to death in a frozen parking lot. She was everything to him. He wanted to give her the whole world, so yeah, I could see now how it would bother him if there was something he couldn’t give her or fix for her.

  “It hurt him, even more than it did me. I wasn’t sure if we would get past it because he felt so guilty for his past. It wasn’t easy making him see that I had forgiven every bit of it, but I did because I love him, all of him, even the not so pretty parts. We’ve come through everything stronger because what we’ve built together goes way beyond the physical. Even with Ky’s history and the pain that comes with it, I know that I can trust him completely. I know for certain that he loves me for who I am, and not just how I can make him feel or what I can offer him with my body. Love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex should be an act of love and not a substitute for it.”

  I hesitated as I thought about her words. They were hard to stomach because they didn’t sound like spoon fed religion and morals. They were real, and true, spoken from her own pain and Ky’s. They reinforced what I’d already begun to realize. I didn’t know shit about really loving someone, but I feared I was in for a rude awakening because I was falling hard and fast and I needed to figure it out before I screwed everything up.

  Jax let go of my hands and stepped back. She nodded her head toward Sadie and said, “Go, but be careful and do it right. She’s been through enough and doesn’t need to be hurt anymore.”

  Before she could give me anymore advice or warnings, the loud squeal of mic feedback echoed through the room and every eye darted to the stage, where Ky was sitting on a stool with an acoustic guitar in his lap and the mic in his hand. “This is for my beautiful bride. I love you, Princess.” Jax completely forgot about our conversation and drifted toward him. She didn’t know he had planned this as he started to play the song he’d written for tonight.

  He started singing about their story, how unlikely it had seemed from the very beginning, and I walked over to Sadie. She was raptly watching the stage, but when I took her hand, she fixed her eyes on me. I didn’t ask her to dance, I just pulled her into my arms and started moving, not giving her a choice. She didn’t resist.

  I pulled her snugly against my chest and rested my chin on her head. I inhaled the subtle, fruity smell of her shampoo and some light citrusy perfume that she wore. Jaxyn’s words played over and over in my mind while I held her.

  I didn’t know what Sadie’s story was, but I knew she had one, a painful one, which she kept locked up tight inside of her. I wanted to find out who or what put the sad and distant look I sometimes saw on her face. I knew this girl was it for me, but I could read in her eyes that she didn’t trust me. I had a long way to go before she’d open up.

  She was beautiful, yet insecure and unsure of herself. She was a loyal and faithful friend, but wary of whom she let in. Her strength was a quiet strength, and I knew that whatever she’d been through to get here had made her a fighter. That was obvious to anyone who cared to look close enough, deep enough. I had a feeling that was going to work against me in this case, because for whatever reason, she was determined to fight me, and hell if I knew how to convince her to stop. The one thing I did know was that I wasn’t giving up. I didn’t have it in me to give up. That was something the Marines had done for me.

  I wanted her to know that I really saw her. It wasn’t just the beautiful packaging that drew me in, but everything I saw on the inside too, and I wanted to see a lot more of her. I wanted to know her better than anyone ever had. I wanted to discover her secrets and the parts of herself she didn’t reveal to anyone. I looked forward to peeling back all of her layers, literally and figuratively. I wasn’t going to give her any choice but to fall in love with me, and then I was going to explore every inch of her body until I knew how to make her shudder with a single touch, and make her go off like a bottle rocket, and then do it over and over again.

  Chapter 6

  Sadie

  It was hard to pull myself out of Ace’s arms when the song ended, but I had to. I didn’t like the look I saw in his eyes. Correction – I liked it too much. It wasn’t lust. I’d seen that before. Not even an hour ago, when he saw me in my dress, it had heated his expression and sent a bolt like lightning through my body. That, I was prepared for. That, I could resist, mostly, but the look he wore now, wasn’t that. It was something new, something more, and it wasn’t so easy to resist. He was looking at me with such tenderness and affection, like he really saw me and wanted t
he girl he saw, all of her. It made me feel beautiful and special, and it was seriously messing with my head, because there was no way that’s actually what I was seeing.

  I dropped my hands to my side, but his remained on my hips. I cleared my throat and started to step back. “Uh, thanks for the dance.”

  “One more.”

  I should have said no. I should have made up some excuse about needing to use the bathroom or being hungry. Instead, like they had a will of their own, my hands returned to his shoulders and I let him pull me in close again.

  “Okay. One more.” I pressed my cheek to his chest and, even though it was dangerous, let myself pretend for just a moment that the reason I fit so perfectly with my head tucked under his chin, was because we belonged together, that I was made for him.

  One more dance turned into three more, and it wasn’t until the music temporarily stopped for the bouquet and garter toss that we finally separated. I let out a soft sigh when his arms were no longer around me, and my moment of pretending was over.

  I stood back and watched the guys prepare to catch the garter when Ky removed it from Jax’s leg. After practically wrestling Mateo for it, Ace walked away victorious. If I thought the guys were competitive, it was nothing compared to when the ten of us unmarried girls lined up. It was me and Vi and the teenage daughter of one of the label guys and then the various dates that came with all the guys. Natalie’s was the only name I could remember. She was Max’s girlfriend and I was pretty sure she was the only one who could claim actual girlfriend status. I think I recognized Mateo’s date as one of the Victoria’s Secret angels. That wasn’t intimidating at all.

  Those were the types of girls rock stars dated, those were the types of girls that Ace could have, probably did have. It was pathetic that I considered, for even a moment, that I might have something they didn’t, when it was clearly the other way around.

  We tried to call Izzy over, but she wasn’t interested and from the look of things, she didn’t need to catch the bouquet anyway. She was doing just fine on her own. Conway Edwards, the guys’ agent, and his wife Vivian had brought their six year old son, Braeden, and Izzy was enamored with the older boy. He didn’t seem to mind her following him around either. They were too adorable, and it was probably better that Izzy wasn’t a part of this madness because as soon as the bouquet left Jax’s hands, violence ensued. I started to make a grab for it, because it was soaring right at me, but I had to step back when Vi and two of the other girls, we’ll just call them Bambi and Barbie, charged me.

  I’d witnessed battle scenes in movies less brutal than what I was watching right now. I didn’t know whether to close my eyes and wait for it to be over or start jumping up and down rooting for Vi. Elbows were thrown. Hair was pulled. I think either Bambi or Barbie got the other one’s stiletto slammed down on the top of her foot and I heard another one of the girls, possibly the underwear angel, cry that one of her fake nails had been ripped off in the struggle. Somebody really should have warned them that Vi always gets what she wants though, and it’s better not to be the one standing in her way. Her tenacity paid off and she raised the now rather pathetic looking bouquet high in the air, having managed to keep it away from the others.

  At that point I really was hungry, so I sauntered over toward the food spread and loaded up a plate before finding a seat at one of the empty round tables nearest the beautiful indoor waterfall. The music started back up and everyone else was either dancing again or sitting at the other tables that were arranged around the perimeter of the room, with their own food and drinks.

  “Do I need to check you for any cuts and bruises?” I looked up to see Ace grinning at me just before he pulled out the seat next to me and lowered himself into it.

  “No, I made it out unscathed. Barely.”

  “Yeah, I thought you were going to have it there for a second, until I saw the crazy look in those girls’ eyes. I was concerned I was going to have throw myself in between them and you, but thankfully you got out of the way quickly.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, it was close, but it’s nice to know you would have rescued me,” I joked, but the look he gave me in return wasn’t joking at all.

  “I don’t know if there’s anything I wouldn’t do for you Sade,” he whispered, “and that scares the hell out of me.” It scared the hell out of me too, because I could tell he wasn’t kidding and this was the first time we’d ever even come close to broaching this subject seriously, and if we did now, there would be no going back. I wasn’t ready to hear whatever else he was going to say, because I knew it would only mess with my head further.

  “Stop. Don’t go there.”

  “Why not? I think we need to. I think it’s long past time that we went there.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying. Have you been drinking?”

  “I’m stone cold sober right now, and we need to talk about this thing happening between us.”

  “There’s nothing happening between us, it’s just harmless flirting. That’s all it’s ever been, but we both know these feelings aren’t real,” I lied. They were real for me, as much as I hated to acknowledge them.

  “Bullshit. This is the most real thing I’ve ever felt. Maybe before it was just flirting, but you and I both know that something is changing between us and you can fight it all you want, but I don’t want to.”

  “I don’t think you know what you want. You’re so hot and cold and back and forth, how am I supposed to believe anything you say? Especially given your history.”

  “Maybe that was true before, but I know what I want now.”

  “Yeah? What’s that? To get me into bed so you can add another notch in your belt, so I can be another conquest?”

  “No, dammit, that’s not what I want.” I could hear his frustration, but he took a calming breath and then started again. “Listen, I can’t change my past, not even for you. I don’t know that I would even if I could because it’s brought me here. I am sorry that you really think I could do that to you. I’m sorry that the things I’ve said and done have made you feel that way, but I am who I am. I can be a selfish asshole, a womanizer, cocky, and more than a little rough around the edges, but I’m working on a lot of those things because that’s not who I want to be anymore. One thing I’ve never been though, is a liar. I’m always up front and tell it how it is, and I’m telling you right now that I want you.”

  “Why me? You can have any girl that you want, and you usually do, so why me? Is it just because I haven’t fallen for your act yet? Is this just some game or challenge?”

  “You’re not hearing me Sade. When I say I want you, I don’t mean temporarily. I don’t mean for one night or even two. I want you to be mine. I don’t just want your body, I want all of you – your fiery temper, your smiles, your laughter, your tears. I want all of your touches and every kiss. Every sigh of pleasure, shudder of your body and release will belong to me. I even want that infuriating attitude that drives me fucking crazy, but more than anything, I want your heart. Every. Single. Piece of it. There are no other girls, Sadie. I don’t see a damn one of them. Just you. You’re the only one I’ve seen in a long time, and you’re the only one who fucking matters anymore.”

  His words pierced my defenses, and I felt them crumbling around me. He didn’t just get my hopes up, he’d gone and stuck them in a rocket and launched them into outer space. That was so dangerous, because as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t accept what he’d said. I couldn’t let it take root inside of me, spreading ideas of a future for me and him. This was still Ace, and all the pretty words and good intentions couldn’t change the fact that giving him my heart would be like handing a crystal vase to a five year old to play with. There was only one possible outcome.

  “No. Ace, we – I, can’t … do this.” I started to stand. I needed space to clear my head.

  “It’s okay.” He gently placed one hand on my arm to stop me, and with the other he brushed his fingers across my cheek and tucked a loose curl b
ehind my ear. “I’m not asking you to. Yet. I just needed you to hear me out and know where I stand. You need time to get used to it, to realize that this isn’t something fleeting and I won’t give up on us. I’ll give you all the time you need, but make no mistake, one of these days I am going to ask.” He stood and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, then, before walking away, leaned in close, his warm breath tickling my skin, and he whispered in my ear, “When you finally say yes, it will be that much sweeter, and I promise you sweetheart, you will say yes.” Then he pulled back and walked away, but the effect he’d had on me lingered, wreaking havoc on my senses and my ability to reason.

  “You’re awfully sure of yourself,” I called over my shoulder. I didn’t need to look behind me to know that he’d stopped.

  “No. I’m sure of you,” he answered.

  “What if that’s asking too much?”

  “I’m not asking for anything more than what you want to give me. You just aren’t ready to admit it”

  He was wrong about that. I could admit it. I did want to give him all of those things. More than anything, but what did a future with him look like? Me waiting around at home for him to come back from whatever corner of the world he was living it up in? Me dropping everything, giving up my life to follow him around the world? What happened when that got old?

  I knew the answer to that.

  The rest of the night passed in a blur. I danced. In fact I’m pretty sure I danced with just about all of the guys, but I couldn’t tell you who was the better dancer, or even what songs were playing. I didn’t even have it in me to feel giddy or work up a blush when Mateo asked me to dance again. There was only one guy on my mind. He consumed my thoughts to the point that I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Too many lines were blurring.

  The next morning when my alarm went off, I briefly considered going back to bed and hiding out for the rest of the day, possibly the week, but I knew Jax would come in after me. I dragged my butt out of bed and dressed for the day’s adventure. It turned out to be worth it.