Redemption 03 - Return Read online

  The slightest smile lifted her lips. How sad and different life had become. In many ways, she was closer to the Lord than ever before—a strange benefit in the wake of the death and tragedy surrounding her. What a shame Luke hadn’t handled it the same way.

  Poor Luke.

  Reagan heard herself sigh, and she opened her eyes. A bird drifted across the place where the south tower once stood, and a chill made its way down her spine. Every time she opened her eyes she expected them to be here, the Twin Towers standing tall and proud at the center of Lower Manhattan.

  She blinked. How could they be gone? Both of them? She squinted as a memory played in her mind: the last time she and Luke had been up there, walking in the clouds, visiting her father in his office. A lifetime ago…as though it hadn’t really happened at all.

  They’d been laughing about something—Luke’s dream of working there one day, wasn’t that it? Reagan narrowed her eyes a bit more. Yes. They’d been whispering about what type of office he’d have, and how it would be right down the hall from her father’s.

  “I’ll have a water view.” Luke grabbed her hand, his chin high, eyes teasing as they stepped into the elevator.

  “I’m sure they’ll offer you at least that—straight out of college and everything.” Reagan poked him in the ribs. “I mean, you’re Luke Baxter!”

  Reagan blinked the memory away.

  Now, instead of soaring towers, she saw only gray clouds. Rain was expected for that afternoon. More rain. After a gentle winter, the spring had been merciless—snow, freezing rain, and icy wind. So many days without sunshine had every New Yorker feeling the gloom.

  “Where is he, God?” Her whispered question mingled with the smoky air and got lost in the relentless noise of a parade of dump trucks. “Why can’t we find him?”

  Unlike some grieving people she’d talked to at church, Reagan didn’t need a body to feel closure. A ring, a wallet, a watch—anything of her father’s would be enough. Instead she had nothing. Just the certainty that on the morning of September 11, 2001, Tom Decker had been in his office some nine hundred feet in the air. And now he was gone.

  Reagan and her mother had talked about it. He could never have survived the collapse. He probably died quickly and without pain, carrying thoughts of his family with him as he passed from this life to the next. But that didn’t make it easier—especially when no sign of him had been found.

  During the holidays their family, along with hundreds of others, was given a wooden urn from the city, an urn filled with ashes taken from Ground Zero. It might have held her father’s remains. But then, it might have held just about anyone’s remains. Thousands of people were unaccounted for.

  Reagan stared at the cross, and a sense of peace washed over her. “I know, God.” She bit her lip. Her voice lacked its former energy and spunk, and in this place it was little more than a whisper. “He’s not here. He’s with you.” Her voice cracked, and again she closed her eyes. “If only I’d…”

  How could she and Luke have lost control like that? It was a football game, for goodness’ sake. She’d been tired from a day of classes and had conked out on the sofa for most of the second half. How did they go from that to lying there kissing? Why didn’t either of them have the sense to stop? The questions stockpiled in her heart, but they were nothing compared to the one that still ate at her night and day, seven months after the tragedy.

  Why hadn’t she taken her father’s call?

  The ring of the phone was God’s perfect alarm, his way of telling her and Luke they’d had enough. Time for Luke to go home, time for her to spend half an hour talking with her daddy. She’d had a choice. Luke almost seemed to want her to answer the phone, as if he were looking for a reason to shake off the passion and head home. But she’d let the machine pick up instead.

  It had been the single worst decision of her life.

  Reagan opened her eyes and studied the cross once more. In the wake of the collapsed towers on the afternoon of September 11, she took a bus from Bloomington, Indiana, where she’d been attending college, to her parents’ home in Upper East Side Manhattan. But how long was it before she went with her mother to church? Before she went weeping to the pastor’s wife? Three months? Four?

  Guilt had eaten her alive before that encounter. But afterwards, after meeting with the woman for five days straight, Reagan grasped forgiveness and grace as she’d never done before, not even after a lifetime of believing. After that, God was merciful enough to take the broken pieces of her life and patch them into something beautiful again, and she gave her entire effort to the cause. For the longest time, that meant staying away from Luke.

  Reagan simply hadn’t known what to say to him. He was bound to think less of her, the same way he thought less of his sister Ashley. Reagan had been nauseous and tired and struggling to work through the truth with her mother and brother. What she’d done had been one more blow, one more bit of reality to prove their lives would never be the same.

  She had been her father’s princess. His one-in-a-million girl. How disappointed he would be if he knew what she’d done.

  Tell him, please, God. Tell him I’m sorry for letting him down, but tell him I’m okay now. And tell him how much I miss him…please.

  A Scripture flashed in her mind, one the pastor had shared with them yesterday: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” It was the same verse the pastor’s wife had given Reagan when they’d first met together. The message was clearer than the space where the World Trade Center once stood. God understood her pain, and even now he was placing his holy hands on her weary shoulders, comforting her with a peace that passed understanding.

  That was the reason she’d survived.

  In fact, it was God’s peace that finally convinced her to call Luke earlier that week. When Luke’s mother answered the phone, Reagan’s tears were immediate, choking her, keeping her from speaking.

  The moment Mrs. Baxter answered the phone, Reagan recognized something different about the older woman’s voice. She seemed…upset or nervous about something. Reagan pressed forward. “I…I should have called sooner, but…well…” She uttered a soft, exasperated huff. “I should have called.”

  Mrs. Baxter was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry about your father.”

  Luke’s mother could have said a dozen things. She could have chided Reagan for not calling sooner, or accused her of hurting Luke. If he told them what happened the night before the terrorist attacks, how they’d been together, the woman could have berated her for that as well. But Elizabeth Baxter was nothing if not kind.

  When Reagan realized no verbal beating was coming, she swallowed and grabbed for the next thing to say. “Thank you.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “We’re doing better.” Reagan’s relief spilled into her voice. “How’s Luke?”

  Again, silence. “He…he doesn’t live here anymore, Reagan.” Mrs. Baxter’s voice caught. “He’s having a hard time.”

  Now, as she looked at the remains of the World Trade Center, Reagan’s stomach tightened the way it had when Luke’s mother first spoke those words. Luke never had a hard time at anything. He laughed and loved and breezed his way through life, from schoolwork to scholarships to his relationship with her. When they were together, the sun rose and set on Luke. Her heart had been so sure they’d stay together forever.

  Reagan remembered gulping at that point in the conversation, desperate for some way to respond. “A hard time?”

  Mrs. Baxter’s tone grew tight, pinched, and Reagan knew the woman was crying. “I’m…I’m sorry. This is very difficult.”

  “You don’t have to tell me, Mrs. Baxter. I don’t have a right to know. Not after how long I’ve gone without calling.”

  “It’s okay. I think you should hear it firsthand.” She hesitated. “Luke has walked away from…well, from everything we taught him. He isn’t acting like himself, Reagan. Since he moved out, he rarely talks to us. He won�
��t—” her voice was more in control again—“he won’t even come by.”

  The news had torn across Reagan’s heart and knocked her into the nearest chair. It wasn’t possible. Luke Baxter? The boy she’d known would rule the business world, the boy with enough charisma to rule the country one day? The Baxter family’s golden boy, the baby of the group? How in the world could he walk away from everything that mattered most to him?

  Reagan had been afraid to ask, but she couldn’t stop herself. “What…happened?”

  Mrs. Baxter gave a quiet sniff. “He took up with a girl—very opinionated against God and our faith. He…he’s living with her now.”

  Reagan had doubled over under the weight of Mrs. Baxter’s words. Luke was seeing someone else? Living with her? Had the love they’d shared before Reagan returned to New York mattered so little that he’d simply walked into another girl’s arms? The only reason she hadn’t spoken to him was because she’d been hurt and shocked, unable to think clearly under the burden of losing her father. And she’d been afraid…so afraid he wouldn’t feel the same about her after what they’d done.

  She cleared her throat, but her words sounded like those of a stranger. “I didn’t know.”

  “I’m sorry, Reagan.” Mrs. Baxter waited a moment. “Should I have him call you?”

  Guilt all but smothered Reagan as the woman waited for an answer. Luke’s mother knew nothing of what had happened between Luke and her that Monday night. That much was obvious.

  Her answer was quick and certain. “No.” She swallowed hard. “That’s okay.” She struggled to make sense of her jumbled thoughts. “In fact, Mrs. Baxter…don’t tell him I called. Please.” She paused. “Our relationship has been over for a long time. He has a right to go on with his life.”

  “I think he’d like to know how you’re doing.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s…it’s over between us.” Her heartbeat quickened, and she couldn’t draw a full breath. If Luke was living with another girl, he must never know the reason she’d called. “Don’t tell him. Promise me?”

  Luke’s mother hesitated, and when she spoke, her disappointment rang in her voice. “Okay. I won’t.” Her sigh tugged at Reagan’s heart. “But can I ask you a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  “Pray for him.” Mrs. Baxter sniffed again. “And one of these days, give him a call.”

  Reagan pulled herself from the past and sat straighter. She had prayed for Luke all last night, and still she ached at her role in what had happened. Was it her fault? Had Luke walked away from his family, his faith, because she’d refused his calls?

  She sighed. The possibility was too awful to worry about right now. Certainly the day would come when she’d have to face it, but not here, not now. She hadn’t come to Ground Zero to wrestle tormenting thoughts of Luke.

  Once more, she gazed into the gaping hole where the towers once stood, concentrating on how the towers had looked—tall, dominating the skyline. Then she fixed her eyes on the place where she was sure her dad’s office had been. “Daddy…I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

  The tears came, not in torrents or even streams, but just enough to sting the corners of her eyes. She blinked and waited until the feeling went away. She’d cried so much after September 11. Entire days had passed when she wondered if she’d ever go an hour without weeping. These days her eyes were usually dry, but the ache in her heart felt pretty much permanent.

  She missed her father so much, missed the life they’d had before September 11. “I’m doing the best I can, Daddy.” She squinted and blinked back another few tears. “Happy Birthday.”

  A dump truck rolled past just a few yards away. Reagan never took her eyes from the spot in the sky. “I miss you.” She caught three quick, jerky breaths, and this time she couldn’t stop the tears. Her whispered voice was thick. “I…I love you, Daddy.”

  In response, her swollen abdomen tightened, and she rested her open hands across her belly, stroking the place where the baby grew within her. It’s okay, little one. Mommy’s all right.

  She was seven months pregnant—no surprise there. But until the test she’d been certain she was carrying a girl. Not so, according to the ultrasound. The baby was a boy. Reagan had already decided on a name.

  Her tears stopped. She stood and stretched, wiping her fingers beneath her eyes and taking a final look at the towering metal cross. It was time to go home, time to help her mother with dinner. Besides, she needed her rest. She wanted the very best for her precious baby boy. A boy who would carry the name of both his grandfather…and his father.

  A boy named Thomas Luke.

  CHAPTER TWO

  ASHLEY HAD MIXED FEELINGS about the announcement Kari and Ryan were about to make that evening. No doubt they were getting married; the news could hardly be anything else. The Baxter dinner party that night would be filled with laughter and congratulations and remembered moments from when Kari and Ryan first met as kids. The group would eat Chinese food, celebrate with cake, and know in their hearts that two people couldn’t possibly be more meant for each other than Kari and Ryan.

  For the most part Ashley was thrilled for her older sister. Ryan had loved Kari since she was sixteen, and this…this announcement, if that’s what it was, had been overdue for years.

  But with Landon in New York City, Ashley’s happiness couldn’t be complete. She gritted her teeth. When would the announcement be hers, and when would life finally take on that happily-ever-after quality that always seemed to elude her? She ran a sponge over the last of the crumbs on the counter and stared out the window at her parents’ backyard. She’d spent so much time there as a teenager. The view was simple and striking, and in springtime it held a million shades of green. Maybe she’d set her easel up out back of the old farmhouse for her next piece.

  She bit her lip and tilted her head, studying the scene for focal points and contrast. But the backyard images faded.

  Why hadn’t she noticed Landon years ago? Back before she’d made a mess of her life? The answer came as easily as her next breath. Because she’d been afraid. Afraid Landon was too safe, afraid she wasn’t good enough for him. And so she’d gone off to Paris to prove she didn’t need him or anyone else. To show them all she could make it as an artist. Instead, she’d come home utterly defeated in all ways but one.

  Paris gave her Cole.

  Her young son was everything to her now—the music in every song, the poetry that rang in her heart, the inspiration for every one of her recent paintings. He was upstairs making a Lego creation, and any minute he’d bounce down the stairs to show her an alien rocket ship or a super high-powered flying speedboat. He’d inherited her creative bent, no doubt.

  Ashley made a few more swipes across the counter, but her hand froze as she heard the back door open.

  “Did you get the cake?” Her mother breezed into the kitchen and set a bag of groceries on the counter.

  “Got it.”

  “Perfect.” Mom was out of breath as she tossed her keys in the drawer by the kitchen desk and began unpacking. Green beans, canned soup, taco shells. Applesauce. “Go to the store for milk and find a dozen things you need. Always happens.” She paused and met Ashley’s eyes. “Where’s Cole?”

  “Upstairs creating.”

  “And the cake?”

  “In the freezer.”

  “Good.” Ashley’s mom straightened and sized up the kitchen area. “Thanks for cleaning up.” She blew at a wisp of dark hair, peeled off her jacket, and set it on the back of the desk chair. “The whole day was crazy.”

  “No problem.” Ashley wrung out the sponge and stood it up near the kitchen sink. “They’re engaged, right? That’s the announcement?”

  Her mother gave a light shrug of her shoulders as she pulled a pound of butter and a loaf of bread from the grocery sack. “I can’t tell.”

  “Mom.” Ashley rolled her eyes and leaned against the counter. “The cake says Congratulations, Kari and Ryan.
I don’t think we’re celebrating Kari’s new minivan.”

  “Hey.” Her mom raised an eyebrow in her direction. “You weren’t supposed to peek.”

  “So, I’m right.” Ashley wrestled the strange feeling in her heart. What was it? Jealousy? Loneliness? Whatever it was, she had to let it go. Kari deserved as much happiness as possible.

  Her mother finished putting away the food and folded the brown bag. “They’ve always been perfect for each other.”

  “They have.” Ashley dried her hands and tried to sound upbeat. “Need anything else?”

  “Nope.” Her mother took a few steps and glanced at the dining room. “Everything’s perfect.” She faced Ashley again and her expression softened. “Okay, tell me. What’s wrong?”

  Ashley headed toward the living room. “Nothing.” She shot a smile over her shoulder and then plopped down on the overstuffed sofa. “I couldn’t be happier for them.”

  Her mother followed and took the rocking chair a few feet away. “You still think I can’t read your eyes, Ash.” She brushed her dark hair back from her face. “When’s the last time you talked to Landon?”

  “Mother.” Ashley gave an exaggerated huff. “This isn’t about Landon.”

  “Okay.” She leaned back and set the rocker in motion. “But when?”

  Ashley stared out the window. She hated this, hated how her mother could read her. No matter how independent she’d tried to be over the years, she’d never been able to fool her mother. Ashley crossed her arms and caught her mother’s gaze once more. “A few weeks.”

  Her mother looked like she might say something, but then she seemed to change her mind. In the silence, Ashley sucked in a quick breath and looked out the window again. “He’s busy, Mother. It’s New York City. If he doesn’t focus on his job, he’ll wind up like his friend.”

  “Focus couldn’t have saved his friend’s life, honey. Nothing could’ve.”

  “I know.” Ashley bit her lip again and thought for a moment about Landon’s friend rushing up the stairs of the south tower of the World Trade Center when the building collapsed that awful Tuesday morning. “You’re right. I’m just saying, Landon’s busy. Otherwise he’d call more.”