Secrets So Deep eBook Read online

  Glynn shuddered at the dramatic summary. “Of course, you’re right. It’s wishful thinking.” She pushed her fruit bowl aside.

  “I understand.” Charlotte nudged the bowl back in front of her. “And you need to eat the rest of that.”

  She reluctantly took another bite. With Sebby’s evaluation looming, this was probably as good a time as any to share her other concern. “I need to tell you something in absolute confidence, something you should know before talking to Sebby.”

  Charlotte set down her spoon and leaned forward slightly, keeping her voice low. “I can’t promise confidence if what you tell me involves abuse. Do you understand that?”

  Glynn nodded. The notion of abusing her child was the furthest thing from her mind.

  “I’m worried about something that might be bothering him, something he won’t tell you.”

  “You’d be surprised how much I learn in my diagnostic interview.”

  “I don’t think you’ll learn this from Sebby, because he won’t talk about it, even with me.”

  “Okay.”

  She pushed her bowl away again, this time crumpling her napkin inside to indicate she was through. “That relationship I told you about . . . I became involved with someone who worked on the Hill. We kept our relationship secret because it had ramifications for our jobs. I even kept it secret from Sebby at first, because he was only twelve. I didn’t think he’d understand. But I told him eventually, and he said he didn’t care. He really seemed okay with it.” She stopped herself. Once the words were said, they could never be taken back. She blurted, “I was seeing another woman.”

  If the doctor was surprised, she didn’t show it at all. “You think that bothered him?”

  “I don’t know. Like I said, he seemed fine, but everything changed when Stephanie and I told him he shouldn’t say anything to anyone about us, because it would only cause problems. I think that made him think it was bad. He just shut down after that. He wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t do things with us.”

  “Stephanie was the woman you were involved with?”

  Glynn nodded, looking around to make sure no one had overheard.

  “Are you still in this relationship?”

  “No. We broke things off not long after that. She moved back to her home state when the senator she worked for ran for governor.”

  “Why do you think it might be bothering him now?”

  “I don’t know. But I called her last week to tell her about my treatments. Sebby asked who was on the phone and I told him. He didn’t even say anything. He just went in his room and shut the door.”

  “So you think he has a problem with Stephanie?”

  “I never thought it was that bad. Now I’m worried because of the timing.”

  “I can explore it when I do my diagnostic interview. It wouldn’t be unusual for a teenager to have problems with that. Sexuality can be very complicated for some kids.”

  Glynn cleared her throat and looked around. “And do you see that my being in a relationship with a woman is a secret that needs to be guarded very carefully? I don’t have the hypocritical voting record of some of my Republican colleagues, but too many people would make it into a political weapon that would undermine everything I try to do.”

  “Relax, Glynn. Did you happen to read any of those forms before you signed them last night?”

  Glynn was surprised to see what looked like a twinkle in the doctor’s hazel eyes.

  “We really shouldn’t ask people to sign those things when they’re under so much stress. One of those forms explained that all information shared with your doctor—in this case, with your son’s doctor, me—will be kept in strict confidence. The only exceptions are, like I said, in instances of abuse, or if I feel that Sebastian presents a danger to himself or others. Your relationship with a woman just doesn’t meet that threshold.”

  Glynn blew out a deep breath. “Thank you. Now I feel ridiculous.” She was surprised when the doctor’s hand came to rest on her forearm.

  “You don’t have to, Glynn. I understand how it is about secrets.”

  “I hate that I have to do this. I feel like half my life is a lie.”

  “It’s a tough decision for anyone. I don’t usually tell my patients this, because it isn’t relevant to their treatment, but maybe it would help you to know I went through it myself when I came out in college.”

  “You’re . . . a lesbian?” The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind.

  “That’s right. And like I said, that’s not really relevant information, but I wouldn’t want you to discover it later and feel as if I betrayed you in any way by not telling you.”

  Glynn felt her respect for Charlotte Blue surge, not only as a professional, but as a fellow human being. “I appreciate you telling me that. I promise to treat it in complete confidence as well.”

  “It isn’t a big deal for me. I’m out with everyone that matters.”

  That was a foreign attitude for Glynn, thanks to her party’s outward stance on homosexuality and her family’s dictums on how she should live her life. She usually told herself that Sebby was the only one whose opinion of her truly meant anything. If it was bothering him in any way, she would put that part of her life on hold until he was older and better able to cope with it. After all, it wasn’t as if she had a busy social life.

  Charlotte knocked gently before pushing open the door. “Hi, Sebastian. How are you feeling this morning?”

  He was sitting up in bed, flipping through the channels on his muted television. “Fine, I guess.”

  “I bet you’re getting tired of everybody asking that every time they come in here.”

  He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “If you ever say something besides fine, you’ll have the whole staff in here in two seconds. Not that I’d recommend it, mind you.” She took a seat in the chair where his mother had spent the previous night. It was important to feel out his mood in order to decide whether or not to proceed with the assessment. In other circumstances, she might have postponed everything until Monday, but something about this boy and his mother told her they wouldn’t welcome the participation of a dozen residents and interns during rounds. That was especially true in light of the conversation with Glynn Wright over breakfast. “How was your breakfast?”

  “Disgusting.”

  “Well, it’s nice to know you’ve recovered your better judgment.” She was pleased to see a smirk in response to her goodnatured rib. “I wondered if you’d be interested in talking with me today.”

  “What about?” He crossed his arms.

  “A lot of things, actually. When people end up here the way you did yesterday, we need to do a full assessment to see where things stand. It’s kind of a big deal, but I don’t want to start on it until you’re sure you feel like talking.”

  “Will my mom need to be with us? She went home.”

  “No, this part would be just you and me. But I saw your mom this morning and explained how it works. I told her that all of the things you say in our sessions are private, and I have to keep it that way unless I feel you might try to hurt yourself again, or if you told me you were being abused.”

  “I’m not being abused,” he said, sighing as if embarrassed.

  “Okay, that’s always good to know.” She was curious about where he had filed away the bit about hurting himself again. “But I would like you to consider agreeing to let me share things with your mom if I think it would help your treatment. What would you think about that?”

  “I don’t care. We already talk about everything.”

  “That’s nice. You’re lucky you can do that.” It was becoming increasingly likely that Sebastian’s problems were simply things he didn’t really understand well enough to articulate, but they were serious enough to threaten his life. “I notice your mother calls you Sebby. Do you like that name?”

  “It’s okay. Most of my friends call me that too. Or Bas . . . that was my dad’s nickname.”


  It hadn’t occurred to Charlotte until just that moment that Bas was also short for Sebastian. “Would it be all right for me to call you Sebby, like your mom?”

  “Whatever.”

  “Okay.” It sounded as if the boy might be ready to talk to her, so she pushed ahead. “I thought we might go into one of the conference rooms. Would you like a change of scenery?”

  “Do I have to wear this stupid gown?”

  She got up and opened his closet. “You’ve got some pants and a shirt in here. You can change if you like.”

  “Mom said they were wet.”

  She ran her hands up and down the cloth. “They feel pretty dry to me.” She wished they could go to her office, but eight inches of snow made the trip across the quad impossible for a kid without a coat. “Why don’t you get dressed while I get the room ready? I’ll come back for you in about ten minutes.”

  “Works for me.”

  Charlotte couldn’t help but feel encouraged. She liked the idea that getting Sebastian on the road to recovery would free Glynn Wright to do the same for herself.

  Glynn turned underneath the needle-like spray, dialing back both the force and the heat that beat upon her tender left breast. They had told her to expect the redness and sensitivity. It was a small price to pay for peace of mind, but she would be glad when this five-week regimen was behind her.

  The shower felt great, but not as great as the sleep she had planned for the next eight hours. Sebby had seemed fine about her leaving, and had even hinted that he was eager to talk with Dr. Blue and get the evaluation over with. Coming home was all he could think about, and it was all she wanted too.

  She had put off returning the messages on her cell phone, but decided it might be a good idea to check in with Tina before going to sleep. Tina was the one person she could trust with information on Sebby or her doctor visits. As a congressional aide, Tina was politically savvy and well-seasoned. And she was as loyal as they came.

  Wrapped in a thick terry-cloth robe, Glynn pulled back the comforter on her bed and picked up the phone. She dialed Tina by rote and settled back against the pillows, physically comfortable for the first time in more than a day.

  “Hi, Tina. Remember me?” She smiled to herself as Tina regaled her with twenty questions all at once. “He’s okay. Just a bad bruise on his neck. We’re far from out of the woods about why he did this, but I think he might actually be ready to talk about it this time. I told him not dealing with it wasn’t going to be an option.”

  Tina told her about deflecting questions from the curious regarding why Glynn had dashed out so suddenly after yesterday’s hearing. Congressman Baxter’s aide had sought her out with an offer to trade his support for the preschool measure for hers against a military base closure in his district.

  “He’s such an ass, Tina. He’d never send his aide to broker support from a male colleague, but that’s how he treats all of us in the women’s caucus . . . Yeah, I’m just now figuring that out. Did I tell you about the psychiatrist that came to see Sebby last night?” No matter how much she tried to focus on the matter of Baxter, her subconscious never strayed from the issue of her son.

  “Her name is Charlotte Blue.” She was also conscious of the fact that Dr. Blue was probably talking with Sebby right that moment. “Sebby seems to like her okay. I had breakfast with her and you’re not going to believe this. I told her about Stephanie . . . that I was a deep-in-the-closet evil Republican lesbian, and you’d never guess what she said. So is she. Not the evil Republican part, or even the closet part, but she said she’s a lesbian too.” Glynn couldn’t get over how pleased she was to know that. “No, but you remember the last time Sebby did this. I thought it was because of Stephanie. If that’s what’s bothering him now and he just isn’t telling me about it, then maybe she can find out . . . Yeah, I know. It never really seemed like a problem until we made it a big, bad secret. I guess that’s when he started thinking there must be something wrong with it.”

  Glynn was struck with a sudden wave of fatigue and she settled lower onto the bed. “I need to get some sleep. Last night was awful . . . No, I’m okay otherwise. My breast is a little sore, but they told me to expect that.” She loosened the robe and worked her arms free. Then she slipped nude beneath the comforter. She almost always wore flannel pajamas, but this felt smooth to her tender skin. “Thanks for everything, Tina. I’ll call you later and let you know how things go.”

  She was too tired to return the phone to its cradle, dropping it limply beside her instead. She was asleep in moments.

  Chapter 3

  In a small conference room on the third floor of the hospital, Charlotte studied her patient. Not only did Sebby share his mother’s coloring and slight build, he had several of her mannerisms, such as running his fingertips against the grain of his short hair. As with Glynn, it had the effect of making him appear momentarily disheveled, until he became aware of it and smoothed it back into place.

  He was studying the “no secrets” form she had asked him to sign before they began their talk.

  “I really want you to think that over before you sign it, Sebby. Your mother and I will probably want to talk about some of the things you tell me. If there are things you don’t want her to know about, you need to tell me what they are so we can keep those between us. But I don’t want you to hold back from me. It’s very important that you be as honest as you can be.”

  “I don’t care what you tell her,” he said, scribbling his name on the bottom of the form.

  “Okay, but if you change your mind, just say so and I’ll turn the tape recorder off.”

  He nodded and leaned back in the chair, folding his arms across his chest.

  Charlotte arranged her papers on the conference table, opting to start with a blank notepad, and then asked Sebby to talk a bit about his life.

  “I was born in Indiana,” he replied, “but we moved to Washington when I was a baby because my dad got elected to the House. I don’t really remember much about back then except for when my mom left.”

  Charlotte stopped writing and looked up in surprise. “Your mom left when you were little?”

  “Yeah, she got sent to Bosnia. She was doing something for the United Nations, and they asked her to set up a program for the kids that got moved into the refugee camps or something. You’ll have to ask her exactly what it was.”

  “When was that? Do you remember?”

  “I was four or five.”

  Charlotte had gone to Macedonia herself in the mid-Nineties to work with displaced victims of the war. That Glynn had also gone to the region struck her as an amazing coincidence. “Tell me about when your mother left.”

  Sebby was clearly bothered by the memory, as evidenced by the way he frowned and scrunched his lips. “I went to stay with Grandma at the farm over the summer. Then I came back to start school and it was just Dad and me.”

  “Do you remember much about that? The time with just your dad, I mean.”

  “I remember sitting behind him on the airplane. With Roy, I think. Dad always took his staff back to Indiana when he went. Mom doesn’t do that.”

  “Who’s Roy?”

  “He’s a good friend of ours. He was one of Dad’s aides, but he works for Mom now.”

  “So you remember sitting behind your dad on the plane. Was he sitting with someone else?”

  “I guess.”

  “You don’t remember who?”

  “Just somebody else on his staff. He was always busy.”

  Charlotte made a few notes on her tablet. It was normal for kids to have murky images of some people, but distinct memories of those who played significant roles in their lives. Roy seemed to be in the latter group. “Anything else you remember about when your mom was gone?”

  He shrugged. “It’s too confusing. I don’t remember.”

  “Do you remember doing things with both your mom and dad?”

  “Not much. I remember when we all used to go to Grandma’s farm,
and one time when we went to the Orioles game in Baltimore. Dad got me a baseball signed by Cal Ripken, Jr. We both got really excited about it. Every time Mom looks at that ball, she says it was like having two little boys.”

  “That’s nice you have those memories, Sebby.”

  “Yeah.”

  She regretted having to spoil his mood with tough questions about his father’s death. “Do you remember much about the last few times you saw your dad?”

  “Just being at the airport when Mom got home. He was holding me up so I could see her coming up the ramp. And then he put me down so I could run to her.”

  “I bet that was great.”

  “Yeah.” He picked up a loose paperclip and began to twist it.

  Charlotte waited, hoping he would offer more information without her having to probe. Finally, she forged ahead. “Anything else?”

  “No. He died a couple of days after that. Mom says I came in the room to get her, but that’s too confusing. I don’t remember that part.”

  “You don’t remember finding your father?”

  “No, but I guess I did.”

  An event like that would certainly be traumatizing for a child, enough that he might push the memories deep into his psyche. “Do you remember how it made you feel, Sebby?”

  He shrugged. “I was sad, I guess. We went back to Grandma’s in Indiana for a while. Then Mom was appointed to fill Dad’s term and we moved back to Washington, just her and me.”

  “What do you remember about that time?”

  “It was okay. I remember going to work with her some, but mostly I was at school. I had a babysitter after school named Patty. She was nice.”

  It was an extraordinary start in life. No wonder mother and son were so close. “Did you miss your father?”

  “I guess so. I think Mom missed him for a while, but then she got really busy with all the politics.”

  “Sebby, is there anything that stands out about that time or any other time when you were little? Anything you find yourself thinking about sometimes?”