South Dublin Read online

  South Dublin is acknowledged as having some of the most spectacular restrooms – or, in the local parlance, ‘jackses’– in the world. The one on the top floor of Brown Thomas on Grafton Street could have been taken, lock, stock and golden taps, from the home of Montgomery Burns. Gentle classical music – perhaps Beethoven's ‘Moonlight Sonata’ or even Mozart's ‘Elvira Madigan Piano Concerto’ – is piped into the room, sending you into a state of Zen-like calm as you drain the lizard (number ones) or drop the kids off at the pool (number twos). Once the heavy work is done, you'll make your way to the sink area, where a very nice attendant will twist one of the gold taps for you and give you a couple of squirts of pleasant-smelling Molton Brown fine liquid handwash (nettoyant pour les mains). A clean, white towel made of the finest Egyptian cotton will then be proffered to allow you to dry your Christian Andersens, after which you'll have the option of moisturising, using some soothing Molton Brown hand lotion. Similar restrooms in the Conrad, Westbury, Merrion and Westin hotels ensure that

  taking a Donald Trump on the Southside is a purely pleasurable experience.

  Imitation is, of course, the sincerest form of flattery, and several establishments on the Northside have attempted to provide a low-rent version of the same service. A common feature of many nightclub toilets is the non-national, minimum-wage flunky who charges up to €1 for a couple of blasts of deodorant, which is still considered a luxury in North Dublin. At hourly intervals he will also use a thick-bristled brush to sweep the urine into the trench to make the floor look less like a giant foot-spa.

  Medical Emergencies

  A large number of hospitals and clinics on the Southside perform essential cosmetic surgery. In 2006, 1.2 million procedures were carried out in South Dublin – that's more than California and Florida combined. In fact, augmentation – better known as ‘aug’ – is the number one most requested birthday and Christmas present among females between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four.

  South Dublin people are regarded as among the most beautiful in the world, which puts pressure on young girls, in particular, to have defects in form and function corrected by surgery. Mammaplasties, or breast enlargements, are now performed more often than dental fillings, and it's estimated that the amount

  of silicone used to enhance South Dublin ‘boobs’ in an average year would be sufficient to tyre a fleet of 50,000 cars – and put a spare in every boot.

  Each year an estimated 60,000 South Dublin women undergo a rhytidectomy, or ‘face-lift’, often as a gift to mark a significant wedding anniversary or the onset of the menopause. It's not uncommon for friends of twenty, thirty or even forty years not to recognize each other after such procedures, and you will sometimes hear wealthy, middle-aged women asking one another, ‘But how do I know it's definitely you?’

  A rhinoplasty is an operation to reshape the nose to make it look less like a rhinoceros horn and it is fast growing in popularity. So too are otoplasties (reshaping the ear), abdominoplasties (tummy tucks), chin augmentations and suction-assisted lipectomies, which involve the removal of fat from the bodies of people who just can't stop feeding their faces by inserting the hose of a hoover up the patient's jaxy. Much of this waste matter is preserved in large vats and subsequently reused in buttock augmentation, which involves the grafting of fat onto the buttocks to give them a more pert definition and make them look less like two Transits fighting over a parking space.

  Most dentists in South Dublin will perform teeth whitenings – the application of hydrogen peroxide to the teeth to bleach them – at short notice, or no notice at all. For all other medical emergencies, dial 999.

  Vaccinations

  South Dublin is free of all major diseases. However, those visitors who are planning trips further afield to North or West Dublin or to rural areas (see pages 313, 314, 315, 316, 317, 318) would be well advised to get vaccinated against cholera, diphtheria, typhoid, yellow fever, rabies, polio, hepatitis A, B and C, tetanus, mastitis, ringworm and liver fluke.

  Driving

  It is not necessary to pass a driving test to take a car out onto the roads of South Dublin. Most locals don't bother to apply for a full driving licence because the waiting list to sit the test is now years long. Instead, they drive under a provisional licence. Getting your hands on one of these is about as difficult as having a birthday. Provisional licences are issued subject to certain requirements and restrictions, and it's not unheard of for overly officious members of the Garda Síochána to pull over provisional licence-holders and demand to know why they're driving on motorways, driving without a qualified driver in the car or driving without L-plates displayed. The custom for young women in such situations is to say, ‘Oh my God,’ over and over again, along with the occasional ‘I cannot believe you are actually giving me a hord time about this,’ and ‘You have SUCH an attitude problem,’ before eventually resorting to tears. Young men generally issue veiled threats, such as, ‘Do you know who my old man is?’ or the more pointed, ‘You are SO getting your orse sued.’

  Remember: these driving regulations are seldom enforced and, even when they are, result in a fine of no more than a few thousand euro.

  There are a number of variations to the standard rules of the road as they apply in South Dublin. On dual-carriageways and motorways, the left lane is for those driving within the speed limit, while the right is for those who wish to drive in excess of the speed limit. The exception to this rule is women drivers, who are permitted to drive in either lane at any speed they like. Similarly, the approach to roundabouts is different for women than it is for men. When intending to take the first exit off a roundabout, a man will indicate left on the approach. If the intention is to take the second exit, he will not indicate at all on the approach to the roundabout until he has passed the first exit; then he will indicate left. If he intends to take any subsequent exit, he will indicate right on his approach to the roundabout and then, just before he reaches the correct exit, signal left. Women generally won't signal at all – except perhaps with their middle finger should someone sound their car horn to express annoyance at their lack of basic courtesy.

  When waiting to enter a main road from a T-junction, it is customary for male drivers already on the main road to suddenly accelerate to prevent you from pulling out in front of them; or, if you have already completed the manoeuvre, to speed up and then brake hard, stopping just inches away from your rear bumper, to give you the impression that you have almost caused an accident. They do something similar on roundabouts, too.

  On the plus side, if any motorist slows down to allow you to pull out from, for instance, a car park or side street, it will almost certainly be a male driver. It is virtually unheard of for women in South Dublin to show such civility, and many would sooner pull into a yellow box than allow another car to join the flow of traffic in front of them.

  At the same time, South Dublin women not only expect men to be chivalrous on the road, they consider it an inalienable right. If you slow down to allow a woman to change lanes in front of you, or stop to allow one to cross a lane of traffic travelling in the opposite direction, don't expect a wave of acknowledgement or any gesture that conveys gratitude. You will only be disappointed. A look of frosty unconcern or sulky petulance is more the norm. Consider anything other than that a pleasant bonus.

  A WORD FROM OISINN

  Working, as I do, in the cosmetics industry, it'd be fair to say that I know women. And take it from me, they're all Baghdad especially when Munster are playing at home! Bear this in mind when attempting to overtake one on a single-lane stretch of road. Birds are quite happy to drive at 40-km per hour on a road where the speed limit is twice that, but the very moment you cross the median with the intention of overtaking one, she'll immediately consider this an affront to her pride and will floor the accelerator, leaving you with the choice of either getting behind her again or enjoying a head-on collision with a car coming in the opposite direction. That's birds for you!

  An
d now please turn the page and note some essential South Dublin road signs – they will save you from all manner of catastrophes…

  Cars

  An SUV is the ideal vehicle for tackling the hard, desert terrain of the Sahara, gripping treacherous, hoarfrost-covered Alpine roads – or dropping your children to their South Dublin fee-paying school. Sports Utility Vehicles have received a lot of bad press in recent years, mainly because driving one for an hour is the equivalent, in fuel-consumption terms, of leaving all the lights on in your house for 1,000 years, or something. There are now 212,000 SUVs in South Dublin – that's one per household. The energy required to power that lot for a day is equivalent to that given off by the sun in a week.

  In fairness to the usually eco-friendly Southside mummies who drive SUVs, many of South Dublin's most prestigious schools are located in mountainous areas that are impossible to negotiate in an ordinary car. Mount Anville, for instance, is 15,000 ft above sea level, and its approach roads are covered in snow most of the year, while Blackrock College is located at the top of a slope pitched like the north face of the Eiger.

  Southside daddies are partial to German-made cars that are built like Panzer tanks, reflecting their own Blitzkrieg approach to life. They tend to drive BMWs, Mercedes and other cars that are not so much vehicles as living rooms on wheels. They also like their cars to have as many gadgets as possible, to help them pass the three hours they spend each day commuting the short distance to and from their place of work. Satellite navigation – or ‘Sat Nav’ – is enormously popular, especially when driving home pissed from the golf club on a Saturday evening. Most ‘big cars’ now come with a computer-style mouse, which operates everything from the air conditioning – a must, given South Dublin's boiling summer temperatures – to the volume on the Dire Straits’ Brothers In Arms CD that comes as standard.

  On the road, South Dublin daddies always want to overtake you, regardless of what speed you're doing. They tend to appear suddenly in your rear-view mirror, riding on your back bumper, flashing their hazard lights at you as a warning to pull into the hard shoulder and let them pass. Once they've completed the manoeuvre, they proceed at exactly the same speed you were driving at in the first place.

  For Southside boys, the Golf GTI is still the coolest thing on four wheels. As far as cars go, they're old school, yes, but you can't argue with the fact that they go like UCD freshers and that girls are seriously impressed by them. Once they start earning their own money and stop living off their parents, South Dublin boys are inclined towards BMWs with soft tops, ideal for cruising under South Dublin's hot sun.

  South Dublin girls generally start off driving their mothers’ Fiat Puntos or Volkswagen Polos, then graduate onto something with character, such as Volkswagen Beetles, Mini Coopers or Mini Convertibles, in baby-pink, naturally. A huge number of these are bought by fathers as eighteenth or twenty-first birthday presents for their daughters, and no greater love can a man have for his little princess than to offer it with an occasion-specific number plate, such as 07 D 18 or 07 D 21.

  The Volkswagen Eos is also an enormously popular choice. It was named after the Greek Goddess of the Dawn, who, according to legend, had a curse placed upon her that turned her into a nymphomaniac – making her the ideal role model for thousands of South Dublin girls. It's a compact little car, but can quite comfortably accommodate five girls with eating disorders.

  South Dublin on a Shoestring: Getting by on Ten Grand a Day

  South Dublin is now more expensive than Paris – or even Tokyo. But even for visitors operating on a tight budget, there is still plenty to do. Here are three suggested itineraries that will set you back less than €10,000 per day.

  Day 1

  Spend an excellent night in the new, Aidan Cavey-designed Penthouse at the Merrion Hotel (€2,450), enjoying a five-star breakfast and a soak in the cedarwood hot-tub on the rooftop terrace to prepare you for a day of culture. Visit the Apollo Gallery on Duke Street to browse through hundreds of works by contemporary Irish artists. Buy a Graham Knuttel original (€5,000). Go back to bed (€2,450). Total cost: €9,900

  Day 2

  Wake up in the sumptuous surrounds of the Conrad Hotel's Presidential Suite (€1,200), and enjoy a leisurely breakfast in front of the lounge's giant plasma-screen television to steel yourself for a day of heavy-duty shopping. ‘Do’ Grafton Street. Visit the Decent Cigar Emporium and pick up a box of ten Cuban Davidoffs (€1,500), then buy a Cartier watch from Weir & Sons (€1,700). Surprise the woman in your life with a genuine ermine coat (€2,500) from Barnardo. Enjoy lunch and a bottle of excellent wine at La Stampa (€300), before taking a taxi (€50, including tip) to Cavistons fine food emporium in Sandycove. Pick up a few ounces of Beluga caviar (€300) and return to Grafton Street (€50, including tip) to enjoy afternoon tea for two (€100, including tip) at the Westbury Hotel. Enjoy steak and chips with onion rings and another bottle of excellent wine (€840) at Shanahan's on the Green. Take a taxi back to the Conrad Hotel (€30, including unnecessary detour) for another night in the Presidential Suite (€1,200). Total cost: €9,770

  Day 3

  Enjoy a night of opulence in the Presidential Suite of the Four Seasons Hotel in Ballsbridge (€2,520), taking breakfast on the terrace while enjoying the city's roofscape. Hire a helicopter (€1,200 per flying hour) to chopper you and a friend to the K Club in County Kildare. Enjoy a round of golf on the famous Palmer course (€370 each). Toast your victory with a lunch of Dublin Bay prawns, roast rack of lamb with minted couscous and a bottle of Champagne (€250, plus €50 tip) in the Legends Restaurant overlooking the 18th green, before choppering back to Dublin (€1,200) and relaxing for an hour or two in the Ice Bar at the Four Seasons. Enjoy five or six Champagne Mojitos each (€228, plus €30 tip) before taking a taxi into Dublin City Centre (€50, including tip) for dinner and a bottle of extremely good wine at the plush Restaurant Patrick Guilbaud at the Merrion Hotel (€950, plus €50 tip). Return to the Four Seasons for a second night in the Presidential Suite (€2,520). Total cost: €9,788

  The South Dublin wake-up call.

  1. Dublin 4

  Neighbourhoods don't come any better than this! D4 – as its understandably smug residents call it – is Ireland's most prestigious postal district, home to South Dublin's true blue-bloods and the setting for some of the most expensive real estate in Europe.

  It's a place of untold wealth – untold because most of it is offshore, out of sight of the Revenue Commissioners and the various tribunals of investigation that have tried to ram a stake into the heart of this area. It's safe to say, though, that Dublin 4 has more billionaires per square mile than anywhere else in Ireland…

  The area, which starts south of the Grand Canal, is made up of four affluent districts – Ballsbridge, Donnybrook, Sandymount and Mount Merrion – and two poor ones – Ringsend and Irishtown – which most well-heeled locals would like to see redesignated Dublin 4E, or even reclaimed by the sea.

  Ballsbridge is D4's command centre, named after Knightsbridge, the fashionable district in London's West End on which it has modelled itself. Most of the vital points on South Dublin's compass are here: Lansdowne Road, the RDS, the Berkeley Court, the Dublin Horse Show, the Four Seasons and the headquarters of AIB. Also here are the two most expensive streets on the Monopoly board, Ailesbury Road and Shrewsbury Road, home to South Dublin's old money business and professional classes and a large number of embassies

  and diplomatic residences. At the centre of it all is Herbert Park, Dublin 4's one remaining green lung, which oxygenates the downtown idyll that is Ballsbridge.

  Donnybrook's most famous contribution to the world is its name, which is a synonym for a scene of uproar or violent disorder. The term originates from an ancient fair that was held in the town and was notorious for its scenes of drunkenness. It was banned in 1855, and Donnybrook hasn't looked back since. (Although the scenes of drunkenness are a tradition it has retained, particularly around the time of rugby
matches.) Now a wealthy suburb, Donnybrook is home to the Leinster rugby team, the world-famous Kielys pub and the CIÉ bus depot, where waking up still pissed after missing your stop is a rite of passage in the lives of most D4 teenagers.

  Sandymount (/sen-d-mine-t/) is a well-to-do seaside town, at the heart of which is an English-style village green, encircled by fashionable shops, restaurants and art galleries.

  Mount Merrion (/mine-t-merrion/), while also ridiculously posh, exists mainly to provide a buffer zone between Dublin 4 and the salubrious, but far less affluent, Booterstown.

  Many of Ireland's most elite schools – Mount Anville, Alexandra College, St Conleth's, St Michael's College and Gonzaga – are in Dublin 4, or are no more than a

  On summer's evenings, the stressed-out denizens of Dublin 4 can at least retire to Sandymount's golden strand to pick coconuts and play beach volleyball with Playboy bunnies.

  Callaway drive away. The area has maintained its exclusivity by remaining well outside the price range

  of the Celtic Tiger's arriviste generation. New money won't buy you an ivy-coloured Georgian pile in the embassy belt, a Victorian red-brick terraced house in leafy Sandymount or a mini palazzo on one of those blue-chip Monopoly streets – only mad money will. roperty prices here are impervious to market trends. Houses change hands for whatever the billionaire buyer is willing to pay. In 2006 Denis O’Brien paid €35 million for a seven-bedroom house on two thirds of an acre on Shrewsbury Road. His stamp duty alone would have bought an entire cul de sac in many parts of this divided city. In 2005 the house opposite O’Brien's was sold for a record €58 million. One of O’Brien's new neighbours, the property developer Sean Dunne, has been buying up landmark sites in Ballsbridge – including Jurys Hotel – and in 2006 bought land from AIB at a cost of €55 million per acre.