South Dublin Read online

  The Luas – or the Danny Day, as South Dubliners have lovingly christened it – is the jewel in the area's transport crown. The modern tram system is much like the generation it transports from the southern suburbs into the City Centre every morning – smooth, ambitious and liable to crush anything that gets in its way. It carries more than 100,000 passengers daily and operates at a profit, with no state subvention. It would be considered a model for public transport systems the world over if it didn't keep crashing into cars and injuring people.

  There is also the option of a Dublin bus – though many South Dubliners will tell you they'd sooner climb aboard a hijacked airbus. With a new state-of-the-art fleet, bus users no longer run the risk of developing emphysema from diesel fumes, although the widespread, non-stop use of mobile phones among passengers does present a threat from electromagnetic waves. Scientists have estimated that spending fifteen minutes upstairs on a 46A at rush hour is the equivalent of sticking one's head in a 900-w microwave oven for two days.

  Be aware, too, that you should try to have the exact amount ready to pay your bus fare. Due to robberies – mostly on the Northside – drivers no longer have access to a float. When you pay your fare, the money is entered into a chute and slides down into a safe hidden deep in the body of the bus. The safe is time-locked, bullet-proof and encased in 6-ft of concrete. Instead of change, you'll be given a receipt for the few cents you are owed, which is redeemable from Dublin Bus headquarters on O'Connell Street – a virtual no-go area for Southsiders.

  If buses aren't your cup of tea, there is no end of taxis to ferry you about – at least between the hours of 2.00 and 4.00 in the afternoon. Be aware that almost all taxi drivers are from North Dublin and tend to think of themselves as ‘characters’. If you don't want to listen to unlikely stories involving stunning women paying their fares in sexual favours or their views on immigration, you should make this clear at the outset. Generally, when you state your destination, you'll be asked, ‘What way do you want me to drive?’ It's at that point you should say, ‘Quietly.’ Remember, stories that could bring down governments and tirades against racial minorities will be added to the surcharge.

  Furthermore, many taxi drivers will take it upon themselves to bring you on a so-called Phileas Fogg –

  A WORD FROM ROSS

  If you're very brave – or more likely very hammered – you might try getting the Nightlink, a sort of public transport Paddy Wagon that brings drunks home in the early hours of the morning for whatever shrapnel they've left in their sky rockets after a night on the sauce. It wouldn't be unheard of for me to fall asleep on the old ‘Fightlink’ and be woken up in Donnybrook Bus Depot by some cleaner washing the jizz and vomit off the floor. Then, when you've regained your bearings, you've got to face the ‘walk of shame’ past all the drivers clocking on for the early shift.

  around the world in eighty minutes. Try to consider this low-level fraud as part of the overall experience. Many visitors are in fact surprised by how little they're ripped off. It is customary to tip taxi drivers, rounding the fare up to the nearest €5 – or whatever he demands in return for letting you out of the car.

  Theatre, Art and Literature

  South Dublin boasts many outstanding works of art, a surprising number of which aren't in the hands of North Dublin's and West Dublin's criminal gangs.

  The National Gallery houses a fine collection of quite stunning Western European art, including paintings by Caravaggio, Monet, Rubens, Gainsborough, Vermeer, Goya and Picasso, as well as Irish artists such as Jack B. Yeats. The gallery has had many famous donors down through the years, whose generosity ensured its doors remained open, including among their number George Bernard Shaw, Sir Hugh Lane, Chester Beatty and, in more recent times, rich middle-aged ladies who lunch, spending a fortune on cappuccinos and wedges of cake in the restaurant.

  South Dubliners are regular visitors to the Abbey, Peacock, Gate and Andrew's Lane theatres and cause credit card booking lines to crash when Yungchen

  A WORD FROM ROSS

  I was seeing this bird called Orna for a while, thick as bottled shite, roysh, but for some reason I wanted to impress her – probably because her old man was seriously loaded.

  So one Saturday afternoon – it sounds focking mad now, even as I say it – I took her to the National Gallery to see the Turner Exhibition, this collection of supposedly impressive watercolours that they're only allowed to put on display in January because it's the best light, blahdy focking blah. Now, I've no interest in paintings whatsoever, but Orna's cracking on to be a real ‘appreciator’ of art. An hour we're in there, going from room to room.

  So now we're, like, giving the Italian collection the once-over and Orna stops in front of Caravaggio's The Taking of Christ, stares at it with her hand up to her chin, then turns around to me – in front of the entire gallery – and at the top of her voice goes, ‘How much is this one?’

  I leaned in to her and tried to explain as gently and as quietly as I could that the paintings weren't for sale.

  ‘Oh my God,’ she said, ‘why are we actually here then?’

  Lhamo & Friends are doing whatever it is they do at the National Concert Hall. Remember to walk around the following day saying repeatedly, and in a raised voice, ‘Oh, we caught the Overture to Egmont at the NCH last night. It's a triumph. I'll be SO mad at you if you don't catch it.’

  As for books, South Dubliners tend to own all the important ones, some of which they intend reading one day.

  Enough Dinner Party to Get By

  During your stay in South Dublin, you might be fortunate enough to be invited to a dinner party. The talk here tends to centre around a small number of topics on which there is general agreement. Unless you are familiar with the consensus view, however, you can feel somewhat cut adrift from the rest of the company. Here are the main topics of conversation you'll hear discussed over dinner in a South Dublin home – and some safe opinions that are sure to impress.

  The world

  ‘It was absolute madness going into Iraq. Sure the CIA themselves said that it was ungovernable by democracy. Now you're going to have civil war there. It was only ever about oil.’

  ‘America always has to have a hate figure to fixate on. I mean, first Osama bin Laden was the new Hitler. Then it was Saddam Hussein. Now it's Kim Jong Il.’

  ‘There's no actual link between global warming and climate change. I mean, it's suspected, but it's never actually been proven.’

  ‘I actually like Michael Moore. It's just that you couldn't trust anything he says.’

  ‘Now is definitely the time to go to Cuba because it's going to change overnight once Castro kicks the bucket.’

  ‘I'm not actually in favour of a united Ireland. I mean, we've more in common with the English than we have with the people up there.’

  ‘It's not famine that's responsible for Africa's problem. It's corruption.’

  ‘Seventy per cent of Americans don't own a passport – and these people want to take over the world!’

  ‘I'm not sure I buy the conspiracy theories, but there was definitely more to 9/11 than we'll ever find out.’

  Politics

  ‘Isn't Joe Higgins great, all the same? I'd never vote for him, but he's really good for politics.’

  ‘Bertie Ahern's actually a hell of a lot cleverer than he lets on.’

  ‘There's something about Michael McDowell I just don't trust.’

  ‘When this country was in dire straits economically the Irish went to London, New York, pretty much everywhere, looking for work. They had to. Now people from countries less fortunate than ourselves want to come here. Let them, I say.’

  ‘I'm actually all for immigration, but I do worry about whether there'll be a backlash when the recession comes. It happened in England.’

  ‘The Chinese come here to work. The Romanians come here to beg. That's the difference.’

  ‘You don't hear much about Travellers any more.’

  ‘I
agree with the idea of free education. But I also believe in giving my kids the best possible chance in life.’

  ‘The Port Tunnel. E-Voting. The M50. We can't actually do anything right as a nation.’

  Economics

  ‘The property crash is coming, I'm telling you.’

  ‘I hate Eddie Hobbs – but he talks a lot of sense.’

  ‘The value of your home is absolutely meaningless unless you're going to sell it and live in a tent.’

  ‘You would have had to have invested in the property market before 1995 to have made serious money from it.’

  ‘Poland was the place to buy two years ago. We won't know where the place to buy now is for another two years. And by that time it'll be somewhere else.’

  ‘They put up gas and electricity prices and blamed the price of oil. But then the price of oil came down and the bills stayed up. It's a disgrace.’

  ‘I don't want to sound like a fuddy-duddy, but I have to say I miss the old Irish money.’

  Shopping

  ‘Tesco's actually do nicer food than Marks & Spencer now. They've basically out-Marks-&-Spencered Marks & Spencer.’

  ‘I think Ikea can only be a good thing. It's going to breathe life back into the economy of… Ballymun, or wherever they're putting it.’

  ‘The more time I spend in Dublin City Centre, the more it's starting to resemble the high street in every major city in the UK.’

  ‘There's no good reason why organic vegetables should be twice the price of non-organic. That's why I just will not pay for them.’

  ‘I admit I go to Aldi the odd time. Just for the cheap tinfoil, though. Me and half the crack addicts in Dublin.’

  ‘We've actually just switched from PC to Mac. Did you know there're virtually no viruses available for Macs?’

  Entertainment

  ‘Okay, okay, this is going to sound really naff, but I actually enjoy Il Divo. We both do.’

  ‘I have to say, even though I'm not from there, I have a real soft spot for the Munster rugby team.’

  ‘I actually think Eddie O'sullivan's brought the Irish team as far as he's going to bring them. Despite the three triple crowns.’

  ‘Roy Keane at Sunderland? I mean, it's going to end in tears.’

  ‘Colin Farrell's from an actual middle-class background. That accent's put on.’

  ‘The funny thing about Will & Grace is that all of the gay characters in it are actually straight in real life.’

  ‘I have to say I really enjoy Roisín Ingle's column in The Irish Times magazine – even though I'm a goy.’

  ‘I actually can't see the point of reality TV. I mean, there're actually more interesting things happening in my sitting-room than there are in the Big Brother house.’

  ‘Obviously I'm not a Westlife fan, but the thing about them is, they can all sing.’

  Travel

  ‘The M50 is a disgrace. It's like a car park. And the only obstruction that's causing the tailbacks is an artificial one – the toll booth.’

  ‘Those speed traps are about raising revenue, nothing more. The problem is, if you know a speed limit is set too low, you're going to lose faith in all of the speed limits and end up ignoring them – even the sensible ones.’

  ‘I'm not saying I'd ever drink and drive, but it's ridiculous that I'm considered a danger on the road after one pint and an eighty-five-year-old woman with failing eyesight isn't. I'm just saying

  ‘It's obvious what's causing the mayhem on the roads. Ireland is the only country in the world where getting a driving licence is as easy as getting a TV licence.’

  ‘Do NOT get me started on bus lanes. I'm not going there.’

  ‘What about those tickets they give you on the bus instead of change? I've loads of them at home in a jar. I mean, you're never actually going to go back with them, are you?’

  ‘All these people complaining about Ryanair – “It was only when I checked in that I remembered I had no legs, yet they refused point-blank to pick me up and carry me to the ‘plane.” As far as I'm concerned, you get what you pay for.’

  Books

  Occasionally the conversation will veer onto literature on its way back towards Eddie Hobbs. South Dubliners have opinions on many books they've never read. It's not important for you to have read them either. You just need a general idea of what they're about and an opinion that's likely to be met with general agreement. The following are the most talked about titles, together with a plausible comment that you can make about each one:

  The Sea by John Banville

  Synopsis: Art historian Max Morden returns to the seaside village where he spent his childhood summers to grieve for his deceased wife. Instead of finding repose, he is forced to confront another, forgotten trauma. A mesmerizing meditation on love and loss.

  Do say: ‘Banville's mastery of the English language is effortless and total. He was born out of his time. He deserves a Yeats, a Joyce or a Beckett for competition. Instead he gets Dan Brown. That's his tragedy.’ Don't say: ‘Who are Yeats, Joyce and Beckett?’

  The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

  Synopsis: When the curator of the Louvre museum is murdered, a sinister plot to silence the small circle of people guarding the true secret of the Holy Grail is revealed.

  Do say: ‘Absolute trash. Yeah, I read it – just to find out what all the fuss was about. It's actually very badly written. Have you read Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco? Far superior.’

  Don't say: ‘Believe it or not, it's actually the only book I've ever finished.’

  Any Harry Potter book by J.K. Rowling

  Synopsis: The adventures of a young boy wizard.

  Do say: ‘I don't mind admitting that when a new one comes out, I end up fighting with the kids over who's going to read it first. I just think good and imaginative writing shouldn't be subjected to generational pigeon–holing.’

  Don't say: ‘I've seen the films – what's the point?’

  The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon

  Synopsis: Christopher Boone is a fourteen-year-old boy with Asperger's Syndrome who sets out to investigate the killing of a neighbour's dog and finds his entire world turned upside-down.

  Do say: ‘Original and bitterly funny. Mark Haddon narrates the story of an autistic boy with a ventriloquist's skill and avoids lapsing into cliché, condescension or sentimentality.’

  Don't say: ‘Oh no, I focking hate weird kids. They freak me out.’

  Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

  Synopsis: Levitt blows away our preconceptions about economics being a dull and unsexy branch of knowledge by using it to explore real world issues, like how drug gangs operate a similar corporate structure to McDonald's and how owning a gun is far less dangerous than owning a swimming pool.

  Do say: ‘His linking of America's falling crime rate to its rising abortion rate shook the cosy consensus on the Left and the Right.’

  Don't say: ‘So is this dude, like, an American Eddie Hobbs?’

  Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

  Synopsis: Kathy, Ruth and Tommy grow up in a boarding school in the English countryside with the sense that they are somehow different from other kids. In later life, Kathy finally faces the truth about their seemingly idyllic childhood – and the future.

  Do say: ‘Moving and haunting. Forestalls all the uncomfortable questions about where science is taking us – and where we're taking science.’

  Don't say: ‘You only find out near the end that these

  A WORD FROM FIONN

  The major paradox as regards books is that, while more and more retail space is being given over to them, the range of choices for serious readers is actually narrowing all the time. The front-of-shop in all the major chain stores tends to be littered with women's fiction, diet books and the autobiographies of celebrities who aren't even a third of the way through their lives. That's the reason why pretty much everyone between the ages of eighteen and fifty is
reading the same fifteen or twenty books, i.e. the titles I've listed above. I mean, is anyone reading Thomas Hardy, or Günter Grass, or Charles Dickens? Or Gustave Flaubert? Apart from me?

  kids are clones who've been harvested for their organs. Oh, I hope that doesn't ruin it for you.’

  Useful Facts

  Water

  The water in South Dublin is perfectly safe to drink. We'd recommend Volvic, Evian or Vittel.

  Restrooms

  Public restrooms on the Southside of Dublin are cleaner and safer than those on the Northside. When going to the toilet, different codes of etiquette apply on either side of the city. Among South Dublin males, for instance, the custom is to stand outside the trough and urinate into it, whereas in North Dublin the reverse is the case.