God, I Hate That Man Read online

  Hell, I even missed a call because of it and didn’t care. I would be lying if I said I normally would have missed a call. Even in the middle of the night, I’d have taken it, and if I hadn’t been quick enough to get it, I would have called straight back instead of thinking the person would call me back during office hours if it were important.

  It hit me now, with Ashley for the first time in as long as I could remember, I’d been fully immersed in the moment. I actually lost control and let my body take over. I don’t think I’ve ever done that with a woman before. Scratch that, I know I haven’t.

  It’s so strange that a woman I found almost unattractive in the beginning is the same woman who has knocked down my walls and made me feel like this. Like I’m spinning and out of control, but in the most delicious way imaginable.

  Of course, it’s typical that the first time I feel something like this, I know it can’t happen again. Ashley has made it obvious she doesn’t want it and besides, this is purely a business arrangement. I can’t afford to go mixing up business and pleasure and getting them all confused in my head.

  It isn’t like I want a relationship with Ashley. Actually, I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now, but especially not with someone like Ashley who makes me feel guilty for existing. And that’s another good reason to not do it again. The last thing I need is Ashley getting attached to me and starting to want more than I can give her.

  None of the rationalizing I’m doing in my head convinces me that I don’t want to fuck her again. I’d like nothing more than to go to her right now and take her all over again. I want to feel her lips around my cock, I want to plunge into her tight, wet little pussy and make her scream my name.

  But I won’t.

  I can’t.

  Instead, I decide I do have to go to Ashley, but for a very different reason. We slipped up tonight, and we need to talk about that. I need to remind her of our rules then reiterate them and make it clear that anymore sex between us is well and truly off the table. It may be nothing for her, but I need a clear head.

  I still feel a little bit strange when I think of Ashley. It’s like now I’ve seen her in a whole new light. But I’m going to do this. I’m going to go and talk to her, because I’m not going to risk losing everything because our relationship gets complicated.

  I march out of the bathroom like a man on a mission. I go straight through my bedroom, down the hallway to the guestroom and knock on the door. I wait impatiently for her to answer. I’m debating knocking again when she calls out for me to come in. What took her so long? Is she trying to get up the courage to face me? Or maybe she’s trying to compose herself because she thinks I want to fuck her again. Or maybe she’s playing hard to get?

  Jesus, what kind of mess am I getting myself into?

  I shake my head and open the door.

  Ashley is lying propped up in bed, the book from my office beside her on the pillow. She’s using a tissue as a bookmark.

  Although I try to deny it to myself, I have to admit it hurts a little to see her casually treat what happened between us as if it never bothered her in any way.

  There she is reading a book like nothing happened between us and here I am boiling up with tension.

  “What is it, Finn?” She asks with a sigh.

  I realize I’ve been standing there staring at her like some fool. I clear my throat and move into the room.

  11

  Ashley

  Finn and I had sex! Finn and I had sex!

  I can’t believe I made it happen. And without a condom? How stupid am I? I need my head examined. Worse still, is how damned much I enjoyed it. Heck, it was the best sex I’ve ever had.

  There I said it. But I have to let it go, because it sure as hell can’t happen again. This is a business arrangement, as simple as that, nothing more and nothing less, and I don’t want any lines getting blurred.

  Watching Finn stepping into my room wearing only a pair of boxers makes my whole body clench with desire. I take a moment to run my eyes over his chest, over the six pack I want to wash with my tongue, and then lower, my eyes automatically going to his cock.

  I tell myself to stop it right now and move my eyes back up to Finn’s face. He’s just standing in the doorway staring at me, and I know that if I keep looking back at him, something will happen again. It’s written all over his face.

  And I can’t have that. He’ll just have his fun and I’ll be left nursing a broken heart.

  “What is it Finn?” I ask with a sigh, as though he’s disturbing me, as though I didn’t just throw a tissue into the book beside me, so it looked like I’d been reading it. instead of being all torn up and restlessly pacing the floor.

  Finn clears his throat when he realizes he is staring at me. He breaks eye contact and moves further into the room. He goes and takes a seat on the armchair in the corner, moving my clothes onto the dressing table top.

  I can’t decide if I’m relieved he’s staying firmly out of my reach, or if I’m disappointed that he didn’t come over, peel back the duvet, and fuck me all over again. Because that is what every fiber in my body craves.

  “About what happened, Ashley. I shouldn’t have let myself do that and I’m sorry.”

  I’m not, I think to myself. “Me too.” I nod.

  “Good. So then, we can both agree it was a mistake and it shouldn’t happen again. I think we need to set some rules.” Finn frowns. “I know we touched on this before, but that was at a time when neither of us thought we had to say no to having sex with each other. I think we both thought that to be a given at the time.”

  “Look Finn, no rules are necessary. We’re adults. We fucked. It’s done. We won’t do it again. It’s that simple.”

  “Right. Yeah. I guess you’re right. We just won’t do it again. We don’t need to talk about it and make it a big deal.” Finn is basically repeating back to me what I’ve just said to him.

  Is it wrong that I’m kind of enjoying his discomfort? I know it’s a little mean, but Finn never really struck me as the kind of guy who got flustered, especially not about something like this, and yeah, it’s kind of amusing to watch. So sue me.

  “And you’re sure you’re okay with this?” Finn asks. “Like it’s not going to be weird between us, or anything now?”

  “I’m sure. Mind you, if you don’t let me get some sleep soon, I’m not sure how nice I’ll be in the morning,” I say, with a smile.

  “Umm… we didn’t use any protection…”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m on birth control.”

  “Oh, okay. Well…” he doesn’t look so flustered anymore.

  But seeing him almost naked is starting to have an effect on me instead. An effect I most certainly don’t want him to be aware of.

  Finn gets to his feet. “Goodnight, Ashley.”

  “Night, Finn,” I reply, but he has already closed the door, cutting off my words.

  Yeah, it’s going to be weird.

  12

  Finn

  I still can’t believe she was so fucking casual about it, like what we just did meant nothing at all to her. I also can’t believe I’m not relieved about that. I should be relieved about it. She even made a joke about it, a joke clearly designed to get me out of her room.

  I sigh into the darkness. I’ve been in bed for over an hour now and I’m no closer to getting to sleep than I was when I first came to bed. All I can see when I close my eyes is Ashley. All I can think about is how good it felt to be inside of her, how much she writhed beneath me, how hard we both came.

  I can feel myself getting hard just thinking about it, so I try to think about something else. Instead of thinking about anything else, I see Ashley in my arms again. I blink away the image and then I see her propped up on her pillows telling me this can never happen again. It’s not exactly a total change of thought patterns, but my cock as sure as hell backs off when I think of her rejecting me.

  I punch the pillow and slam my head into it.
I feel frustrated with myself.

  I wanted her to agree that we couldn’t do it again. I know it can’t happen again, and I don’t want to hurt Ashley, so I need her to be in agreement, but she agreed too damn easily for my liking. She dismissed me as if I was a used bar of soap.

  And the fact she was quite contentedly reading a book bothers me more than it should. Like how can she just casually lay there reading, and not have these crazy thoughts plaguing her mind? I bet she’s even asleep right now. And here I am, unable to get any sleep at all, because I can’t damn well get her out of my mind.

  I don’t know what it’s going to be like between us now. I know she said it won’t be weird between us, and I want to believe her, but I don’t think it’s going to be her who makes it weird. I have a horrible feeling it’ll be me.

  I’m going to do my best to avoid Ashley as much as possible for the next few days. At least until I get her out of my mind and feel like I can be normal around her again.

  * * *

  It’s been two days since Ashley and I fucked.

  It’s pretty much all I’ve thought about in between meetings and calls. Yesterday morning, I heard her moving around from my office and I waited for the awkward moment when we bumped into each other for the first time, but minutes later, I heard the front door shut and she was gone.

  She crept back in late, like after midnight late. And then this morning, she sneaked out at the crack of dawn again. If it had been weekdays, I would say it’s been a coincidence that Ashley’s just been working long hours. But it’s the weekend so I know it is unlikely she has to stay out that much. The only explanation is she’s decided to avoid me too.

  In some ways, I’m relieved, but I’ve decided this ends tonight. This is ridiculous. We can’t avoid each other forever, and the longer we leave it before we see each other again, the more awkward it’s going to be between us.

  I know my original plan was to avoid her, but I have no intention of seeing it through. By the time I woke up this morning I’d already decided to talk it out. See, I’m not a total asshole. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable being in my home, not when I’ve told her she’s welcome to stay. I think if I plan it in such a way, so we bump into each other and get the awkwardness out of the way, then we’ll be fine again.

  We can go back to being… what? Friends? We were never really friends. Acquaintances? I’d like to think we were a little more than that. Business associates? Yes, that’s probably the closest description of what we were. Whatever it was, we were just starting to be able to tolerate each other without snapping at each other’s throats, and I’d like that back.

  I’ll force us to run into each other today. I finished up the few bits of work I had to do nice and early, because I don’t want it to be obvious it’s a forced plan. If I dart out of my office when I hear her come in, it’ll be obvious I planned it that way. Instead, I’m sitting in the living room with the TV on as though it’s just a normal evening and I’m watching a movie. Which if she knew me, she would know is something I never do. In fact, paying attention to the TV is really hard work and I have to force myself to sit here and endure the inane nonsense flirting across the scene.

  It’s after eleven when I hear Ashley’s key rattling in the lock. I feel nervous suddenly, my palms sweating. I swallow hard and jump to my feet. I practically sprint to the mini bar and just manage to get behind it when the front door opens.

  “Hey,” Ashley calls, looking a little surprised to see me.

  “Hi,” I say. “Do you want a drink? You look like you’ve had a long day.”

  She does look like she’s had a long day. Her face is pale, strained looking, and I can see how tired she is. She starts to shake her head, but then changes her mind. “I’d love one,” she says softly. “A very large Cognac if you have one, please.”

  I nod and start to pour her a generous double as she puts her purse on the coffee table along with some files she is holding. Then she slips her coat off, lays it on the couch and takes her usual spot.

  I decide I’m going to have a Cognac too. I carry our drinks over and mute the TV after I’ve handed her the drink.

  She takes a good swallow of it. “Thanks,” she smiles. “That really hit the spot.” She nods at the TV. “You don’t have to mute it on my account.”

  “I’ve seen it before, anyway.” I shrug.

  She nods and takes another sip of her drink. I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. She just stares into space, sipping her drink. I don’t know why she has this effect on me. If another woman decided not to talk, I’d just get up and get on with my day. With her, I can’t do that. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, but I want her to know it doesn’t have to be this way. So I take a deep breath and plough into a semi-rehearsed speech I have been planning in case of this exact scenario, “Ashley, I told you that you were welcome to stay here and that you should make yourself comfortable,” I start.

  “And what? You changed your mind?” She interrupts me.

  This annoys me. She has to be the most annoying person I know. “No. No, of course not. I was just going to say that you don’t have to avoid me because of what happened. I want you to feel at home here.”

  “I appreciate that, Finn, and I do feel at home here. But I’m confused. Do you think I’ve been avoiding you or something?”

  “Well, haven’t you?” I challenge her. “You’ve been slipping out early, coming home late. And it’s the weekend.”

  “You know, sometimes your arrogance surprises even me,” she notes, shaking her head. “Believe it or not Finn, not everything is about you.”

  She says it with such venom in her voice that I’m actually shocked.

  She shakes her head again, but this time, it must be at herself, because when she speaks again, her tone is softer, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just a bit stressed out and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

  “It’s fine,” I reassure. I look at the almost empty glass in her hand. “Why don’t I fix you another drink and then you can tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “You wouldn’t be interested,” she says quietly.

  I stand up and take the glass from her hand.

  She looks up at me.

  “Well, probably not, if it’s not about me. But I can pretend to care,” I quip.

  Ashley gives a soft laugh and nods. “Fine, I’ll tell you.”

  I go and pour her another drink and come back to the couch. I look at her, nodding for her to begin talking.

  She is silent.

  For a moment, I think she’s changed her mind again.

  Then she gives a soft laugh. “I don’t even know where to start. It’s just been one of those weekends where everything piles on, you know?”

  I nod. I do know.

  “It started with a furious phone call from our landlord because the rent for the office was late. I was able to deal with that courtesy of your check, so thank you for that.”

  “How late was your rent?” I ask, with a frown.

  “Late,” she says. “But not late enough to use all of the money you gave me. Anyway, once he left, I had a visit from a kid I’d never seen before. He told me he was worried about Alex, a kid who has been coming to us for a while now. He was getting clean, but the new kid thought he was going to slip up again after an unsuccessful meeting with his parents. He was right. By the time we found Alex, he’d overdosed. He’s in the hospital now and they think he’ll pull through, but it’s just so… so sad.”

  “I’m sorry Ashley. That must have been hard.” I sigh.

  “It was. And you know the worst part? As I sat by that kid’s bedside, praying he didn’t die, in my mind, I was doing sums and reallocating funds, trying to work out if we had the resources to send him to rehab again. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to up the game on you or anything like that.”

  I wince. I can only imagine the effect this must have had on her. “Ashley listen, if you need the rest of
the money sooner—”

  She cuts me off with a wry smile. “Why Finn Jagger, it’s starting to sound almost like you care.”

  “Shit it is, isn’t it?” I ask with a laugh. “I take it back.”

  She laughs with me and a little of the strain leaves her face.

  I’d like to think it’s because we’re talking, but I suspect it’s more to do with the Cognac. “Seriously though, it’s there if you need it,” I say.

  “Thanks.” She smiles. “But I spent all of yesterday evening rejigging things and I think that part at least is sorted.”

  “Good,” I reply. “So it must have gotten better after that?”

  “You would think, wouldn’t you? But today has been almost as bad. We lost a big donor this morning and then I decided to try and patch things up with my father. We were making some headway, and then I mentioned losing the donor and he flipped out, saying I’d only come to him for money. I hadn’t. He’s always made it clear that he doesn’t support me in this and I would never ask him for money for it. Aside from anything, I know my father. He’s the kind of man who would donate money and then assume he could tell me how to spend it, and frankly, I don’t need that shit. So anyway, we got into another big argument. And then to top it all off, I had to have dinner with your mother earlier this evening to go over some of the wedding details.”

  “How was that?” I groan.

  “Not as bad as I thought.” Ashley smiles. “It shows you how bad this weekend has been when having dinner with a woman who absolutely terrifies me was the nicest part of it.”

  I try not to look too closely at what she’s wearing, but I can’t help it. Suddenly, it’s clear she has made an effort with her clothes and I didn’t even notice at first. She’s wearing a fitted white blouse and a black pencil skirt. She’s even wearing black heels. It’s a safe, sensible outfit, but at least, she wouldn’t have looked out of place wherever my mom dragged her.