Dork Diaries 5: Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Read online

  Okay, I admit my letter was a little biased. But you’ll never guess what happened next. Shortly after my advice was published in the newspaper, Brandon actually asked me if I wanted to skip lunch and work on an extra-credit project with him in bio.

  And while we worked, we had a serious chat.

  BRANDON AND ME, HAVING A REALLY DEEP CONVERSATION WITH EACH OTHER

  He said there was a lot of stuff he wanted to share with me about his background, but he was a little nervous about it.

  He said he felt SO comfortable around me because I was honest and truthful and comfortable in my own skin (unlike MacKenzie).

  And I didn’t pretend to be something that I wasn’t because I was very secure. He actually said I was an inspiration to him and that he admired me and considered me one of his best friends at WCD.

  OMG! I was SO flattered.

  But then I started to panic when I realized he was TOTALLY WRONG about me.

  I DON’T possess any of those good qualities.

  As a matter of fact, Brandon doesn’t really know the REAL me at all.

  But it isn’t HIS fault.

  I am just the BIGGEST PHONY at WCD. Maybe even bigger than MacKenzie!

  After that conversation, I am SUPERworried about our friendship.

  I am so NOT who he thinks I am.

  But I REALLY, REALLY want to be that girl because he totally deserves to have a friend like her.

  I’m just WAY too insecure and afraid he won’t like the very dorky person that Nikki Maxwell really is.

  Why is my life SO complicated?!

  !!

  SATURDAY, JANUARY 25

  Brandon’s birthday is next Friday!

  I’ve checked out all the hottest styles in Copycat Couture magazine and have selected the supercute outfit I plan to rock at his party.

  I even went the extra mile and started gargling with that teeth-whitening mouthwash stuff every day! Even though it tastes like Clorox bleach and stings my tongue. Copycat Couture says guys are real suckers for that “I’ve just been to the dentist” look.

  I’ve put a lot of time and energy into preparing for Brandon’s big day. But there’s one tiny thing I totally forgot about:

  His birthday present! DUH! What was I thinking?!

  Chloe and Zoey were smart and bought their gifts for Brandon weeks ago. Fortunately, they offered to go with me to the mall today to help me shop.

  Unfortunately, Brianna was tagging along. And she was DYING to go to the grand opening of the mall’s Kandy Kingdom play area.

  “So, where should we start?” Chloe asked as we stared at the mall directory.

  “There’s a cool gadget store upstairs. Maybe we’ll find something there,” I suggested.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I walked toward the escalator, but I only heard two pairs of snow boots scuffling behind me, not three.

  I turned around and saw Brianna standing twenty feet behind us, frowning with her lips poked out.

  “Move it, Brianna! You’re slowing us down!” I yelled.

  “I wanna go to Kandy Kingdom! NOW!” She pouted.

  I knew she wasn’t going to move from that spot unless I gave in.

  “Fine! We’ll go, but we can only stay there for fifteen minutes,” I said. “Now, where is this place?”

  “We gotta take the Gumdrop Express!” Brianna exclaimed, pointing to a kid-size rainbow-colored train choo-chooing down the hall. The driver was an old guy in a campy conductor getup.

  “Are you kidding me?” I cringed. “There’s no way we’re riding that! What if someone sees us?”

  “But just look at how cute it is!” Chloe squealed. “It’ll be fun!”

  “Can we ride it? PLEEEAAASE?” Brianna begged. She and Chloe both made sad puppy eyes at me.

  Getting tag-teamed like that was NOT fair!

  “All right, already!” I groaned. “Just please stop doing that thing with your eyes! It creeps me out!”

  The $90 in my purse was my entire life savings, and that dumb train was $5 per person. Even so, I figured $70 was more than enough for a nice present for Brandon (and ME, too!).

  Zoey and I reluctantly squeezed into the back of the small train.

  OMG! We were SO embarrassed.

  We even covered our faces with our scarves so no one would recognize us.

  Meanwhile, Chloe and Brianna sat up front, waving to bystanders and chatting with the conductor the entire ride to Kandy Kingdom.

  ZOEY AND I ARE SO EMBARRASSED!

  After we finished the train ride and visited Kandy Kingdom, Brianna started to complain that she was hungry.

  “I’m starving! I want Queasy Cheesy!” she whined.

  I was annoyed, but I’ve seen her tantrums when she’s hungry. They can get really UGLY really fast!

  I had to feed the little monster, so I spent another $19, plus a tip.

  After that, we went to the electronics store and Chloe and Zoey helped me find an MP3 player and some video games Brandon might like.

  I planned to come back for his gift after we’d visited a few more stores.

  However, we hadn’t gotten far when we spotted a pair of really cute and sassy boots in the window of a swanky department store.

  OMG! They were HOT!

  Even though we were supposed to be shopping for Brandon, we figured it wouldn’t hurt to go inside to take a closer look.

  While my BFFs and I were drooling over those boots, I suddenly discovered that Brianna must have gotten bored and wandered off or something.

  Luckily, I spotted her pigtails in the cosmetics department across the aisle.

  Brianna was sitting in a fancy chair in front of a mirror, applying makeup and humming to herself.

  “Brianna, WHAT are you doing?!” I scolded. “You shouldn’t be playing in that stuff. Besides, you’re WAY too young for makeup.”

  Then she turned away from the mirror, looked at me, and smiled.

  OMG! I thought my eyes were going to actually rupture and bleed!

  That pint-size Glamazon had glittery electric-blue eye shadow all the way up to her eyebrows, way too much blush on her cheeks, and purple lipstick smeared around her mouth.

  She batted her false eyelashes at me. Which, BTW, were crooked and hanging off her eyelids like skinny caterpillars.

  “Don’t I look beautiful, DAH-LING?” she purred, and posed like a model.

  I could think of several words to describe her makeup, but “beautiful” wasn’t one of them.

  “Sorry, Brianna! But you look like a cross between Miss Piggy and a zombie! Now put those makeup samples back where you found them! And clean your face so you won’t scare the other shoppers. Or I’ll have to put a bag over your head!”

  “Meanie!” she muttered under her breath, and stuck her tongue out at me.

  When I saw her shove a tube of lipstick back into its brand-new packaging, I almost had a heart attack.

  “OMG! Brianna!” I yelled as I sorted through the small pile of the makeup she’d opened and used. “These AREN’T samples!”

  “Um, what are samples?” Brianna asked, blinking mindlessly with her lopsided lashes.

  “Don’t you understand?!” I cried. “We have to PAY for all of this stuff! Otherwise, you’d be stealing!”

  So there went the rest of my money for Brandon’s gift!

  ME, USING PRETTY MUCH ALL OF MY CASH TO PAY THE SALESCLERK FOR THE MAKEUP BRIANNA OPENED

  I ended up spending almost ALL of it. I had a whopping three dollars and ten cents left!

  And we had to spend that on makeup-remover tissues to wash the gunk off Brianna’s face. Thank goodness Chloe and Zoey were there to help me clean her up. They’re the best friends ever.

  But now that I’m flat broke, how am I going to buy Brandon a gift?

  There’s just no way I’m going to show up at his party with no present. That would be SO tacky.

  Maybe I should just tell him the truth. I can’t attend because I’m suffering from a severe case of BFS, also
known as . . . Brianna Fatigue Syndrome!

  Why, why, why was I not born an only child?

  !!

  SUNDAY, JANUARY 26

  Answering all these Miss Know-It-All letters is starting to get a little exhausting.

  So I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with a way to get them all done in less than an hour.

  I think I’ve finally come up with the perfect solution. A form letter! Also known as . . .

  THE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL QUICK-PICK ADVICE FORM LETTER

  Dear: ______________,

  (INSERT NAME)

  Reading your very

  sad letter

  disturbing letter

  crazy letter

  freaky letter

  was so touching that it actually

  made me cry like a baby.

  scared the snot out of me.

  made me laugh so hard, I cried.

  made me so sick, I vomited.

  I was once in a similar situation when I

  tried on my grandma’s false teeth

  stepped on a poopy diaper

  ate an entire box of doggie snacks

  realized my breath smelled like liver and onions

  and seriously thought about just giving up.

  I realize that this problem is overwhelming, and you probably feel so

  nauseous

  afraid

  angry

  confused

  that you want to

  dye your hair purple.

  eat a plate of fried worms.

  mud wrestle a very large pig.

  shove a hot dog up your nose.

  Anyway, after careful thought and consideration about the issue you’re having with

  your crush

  your parents

  your best friend

  your neighbor’s dog

  I feel the best advice would be for you to

  run away screaming.

  join the circus.

  take a relaxing bubble bath.

  get a new family.

  This should help relieve the

  humiliation

  desperation

  aggravation

  constipation

  you have been experiencing.

  Just remember that no matter how

  gloomy

  smelly

  itchy

  rotten

  things are right now, it always gets better.

  I hope that this advice was helpful.

  Your friend,

  MISS KNOW-IT-ALL

  Okay, I admit it STILL needs a little more work before I start sending it out to students.

  But this will definitely save me a lot of time.

  Am I not BRILLIANT?!!

  !!

  MONDAY, JANUARY 27

  I had a bad case of indigestion, and it wasn’t from those microwavable wing-ding thingies I’d munched on a few hours ago.

  I was having second thoughts about this whole newspaper thing.

  My advice column requires me to write dozens of essay-length letters to my troubled and tormented peers, giving them sound, unbiased, and intelligent advice.

  The thought of ME being Miss Know-It-All is still HILARIOUS.

  Hey, I’m the last person I’D ever want to take advice from!

  I’d been sitting at my desk, staring at the huge pile of letters to Miss Know-It-All for so long my butt was actually numb . . . .

  ME, SITTING THERE STARING AT MY HUGE PILE OF LETTERS FOR SO LONG THAT MY BUTT WAS NUMB

  I didn’t know where to begin!

  “Why is this so hard?” I groaned, and covered my face with my hands.

  I had no idea how I could be SO exhausted from doing nothing. But I was.

  That’s when I thought I heard a giggle behind me. But when I turned around, no one was there.

  All of the stress and lack of sleep was obviously making me delirious.

  When I turned back to my laptop, I was a little freaked out to see two scribbled-on eyes, a crooked mouth, and a hand all up in my face.

  “HI!!! I’m Miss Penelope, and I can’t find my snow boots! I think I left them in here!” Brianna said in a high, squeaky voice that could have shattered glass.

  “Don’t EVER sneak up on me like that!” I snapped. “You almost scared the wing-dings out of me!”

  But Brianna and Miss Penelope both just smiled and stared at me like very evil mannequins or something. . . .

  BRIANNA AND MISS PENELOPE NEARLY SCARE THE WING-DINGS OUT OF ME!

  “Have you completely lost it, Brianna? Miss Penelope doesn’t even have FEET!”

  “Does TOO!” she said, and stuck her tongue out at me.

  “Just get lost, already! And tell Miss Penelope to STOP leaving her invisible junk in my room!”

  I don’t think Brianna heard a word I said. Her very short attention span was already diverted to my computer screen.

  “Whatcha writing?” she asked.

  “Stuff for the school newspaper,” I muttered. “Now, why don’t you both go outside and play in traffic.”

  “Ooh! You’re a newspaper writer guy?!” Brianna gushed, obviously impressed. “I wanna be one too! Can I write something? Pretty please!”

  “Believe me, Brianna, I’d love to give all this work to you, but I don’t want to get fired,” I said. “Besides, you’re just a kid. The only thing you know about a newspaper is where to find the funny pages.”

  “Nuh-uh! I know lots of stuff about a newspaper!” Brianna said, giving me a dirty look. “If you won’t let me write, Miss Penelope and I will make our OWN newspaper!”

  “Fine,” I said. “You two can do whatever you want. Just stop bugging me so I can try and get my work done.”

  “You’re gonna be sorry! We’ll show YOU who the best newspaper writer guy is!” Brianna fumed.

  Then she and Miss Penelope stormed out of my room.

  Ugh! . . . Did I just make things worse? I wondered. When Brianna is bent on doing something, she usually makes my life miserable until she gets her way.

  After another hour of writing (and barely finishing three letters), I went down to the kitchen for another snack.

  “Paper! Get your paper here! Hot off the press!” Brianna shouted, walking into the kitchen with Dad’s newsboy cap on and a stack of spiral notebook pages under her arm. “Anyone want a newspaper?”

  I rolled my eyes. “By ‘anyone’ you mean me, right?”

  “Oh! I didn’t see you there, ma’am,” Brianna said, staying in character. “Care for a paper? You can keep up with all the latest news and gossip about the Maxwell family. And I’m giving it away to my next customer for absolutely FREE!”

  “Okay.” I humored her. “I guess I’ll take one of your newspapers if it’s free.”

  “And guess what, Nikki? Me and Miss Penelope’s newspaper is A LOT better than YOURS!” Brianna bragged shamelessly.

  Then she proudly handed me a copy.

  I hated to admit it, but Brianna was right. Other than Brandon’s excellent photography, most of the WCD newspaper is beyond CRUDDY.

  Brianna’s little “newspaper” was called the Some Times and was written in crayon.

  “Brianna! Don’t you mean to call it the Sun-Times, like that famous Chicago newspaper? You spelled it wrong.”

  “Nuh-uh!” she answered. “It’s called the SOME TIMES! Because some times it’s GOOD news! And some times it’s BAD news!”

  Okay. You ask a silly question, you get a silly answer.

  Brianna’s handwriting was so sloppy! I could barely read the first headline:

  PRESIDENT PENELOPE PASSES NEW LAW FOR ICE CREAM BEFORE DINNER!

  Yeah, right!

  I smirked to myself. Not if Mom has anything to say about it.

  I was slightly impressed that Brianna had actually illustrated her lead news story. Very CUTE!!

  Then I read the headline on the next page:

  BIG HAIRY GRIZZLY BEAR WITH STINKY BREATH FOUND IN NIKKI’S ROOM!!!

 
Next to the article, there was a picture of an angry, cross-eyed bear with jagged teeth and stink fumes coming out of its mouth.

  And it was wearing a light blue warm-up suit that looked just like the one I had on!! NOT so cute!!

  “What is this?” I cried angrily. “Why is there a crazy grizzly bear in my room, Brianna? AND WHY IS IT DRESSED LIKE ME?!”

  “OOPS! I forgot that was in there,” Brianna giggled nervously. “Gee, look at the time! Gotta finish my paper route. BYE!”

  She dashed out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

  “Hey! You better come back here, or the big, hairy grizzly bear’s really gonna get ugly!” I yelled, chasing Brianna to her room.

  Lucky for her, she locked her door just before I got there.

  I was so mad at that little goofball in barrettes. She was about to experience an episode of When Animals Attack! up close and personal!

  Brianna’s been in her bedroom awhile, so I can only imagine she’s up to no good and probably working on the next issue of that tacky piece of garbage she calls the Some Times.

  ARGH!! Sometimes I really want to strangle that girl!

  But now that I think about it . . .

  I wonder if Brianna would be interested in a newspaper job working for the Miss Know-It-All advice column.

  NOT!

  !!

  TUESDAY, JANUARY 28

  It took me FOREVER to finish all my letters for my advice column.

  I was SO happy when I finally posted the final one for editorial review. And as usual, my column created quite a buzz.

  But by lunchtime all of the help boxes were running over. AGAIN!

  To try and control the overflow of letters in the hallways, the school secretary took a large cardboard box, scrawled the words “Mail for Miss Know-It-All,” and set it right outside the office door.

  It was mind-blowing. By the end of the day I had a box full of 216 letters.

  I was SO happy that Chloe and Zoey agreed to stay after school and help me sort and answer them all. I don’t know what I would do without them!

  This is us BEFORE answering the letters.

  This is us AFTER answering the letters.