Dork Diaries 5: Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Read online

  “Forget it!” I said, and took a deep breath to calm myself down. “Let’s just go to the next house.”

  We went to another six houses and still no luck. Since it was starting to snow, I decided to call it a day and just go home.

  Which was the smart thing to do, considering the fact that my toes and those stupid chocolate bars were pretty much frozen solid and liable to snap into little pieces at the slightest touch.

  !!

  SUNDAY, JANUARY 19

  Since Brianna didn’t sell a single chocolate bar yesterday, my mom insisted that we go back out again after we got home from church.

  I was like, JUST GREAT !!

  When we got to the first house, I rang the doorbell.

  “Keep quiet. Got it?!” I whispered to Brianna.

  She nodded and pretended to zip her mouth closed.

  The door slowly opened, and a skinny old lady with no teeth stood there scowling at us.

  At least, I thought it was a scowl.

  But I really couldn’t tell because her mouth looked all sunken in, like she had just sucked on a lemon or something . . . .

  “Um, good afternoon, ma’am,” I began awkwardly. “We were wondering if you would like to support fine arts for children by purchasing a chocolate—”

  “SIC ’EM, TATER TOT!” the woman yelled at the top of her lungs.

  Brianna and I looked behind her, expecting to see a giant Doberman with one of those collars with spikes on it.

  Instead, a fat white cat with a pink bow poked its head out and glared at us.

  MEEEOOOWWW!!!

  Then Tater Tot hissed, snarled, and charged.

  Brianna and I turned around and ran for our lives, screaming.

  That cat probably chased us for an entire block. Although I wasn’t exactly sure because I didn’t dare look behind me.

  Hey! Chubby cats are no joke! Especially when they’re angry!

  If you’d seen that crazy look in Tater Tot’s eyes, you would have run for your life TOO!

  Finally Brianna and I collapsed on a snowbank and lay there, trying to catch our breath.

  “I don’t . . . wanna . . . do this . . . anymore!” Brianna panted.

  “Me . . . neither!” I huffed in response.

  “Excuse me,” said a voice from the sidewalk.

  My body was paralyzed with exhaustion, so I just lifted my head. A confused-looking bus driver stood above us, fiddling with her GPS.

  “Sorry to trouble you, but I can’t get this darn GPS to work! Can you tell me where the nearest gas station is?” she asked.

  “Sure,” I answered, forcing my tired lips to move. “Just go down this street about a mile. It will be on the corner on the right.”

  Then I lifted my weary arm and pointed north.

  “Thanks a million, hon.” Suddenly the bus driver’s eyes lit up. “Hey! Are those chocolate bars?”

  “Um . . . yeah,” I answered.

  “Can I buy one from you? I’m starving!”

  “You actually wanna buy one of these?” I asked, surprised. “Okay! We have an assortment of—”

  “Hey, lady!” Brianna interrupted. “My sister says we’re only supposed to be selling these to unsuspecting fools. But you kind of look like one to me . . . . ”

  The bus driver lady gave us $3.00 and Brianna grabbed a chocolate bar and handed it to her.

  BRIANNA AND I FINALLY SELL A STUPID CANDY BAR!

  She tore off the wrapper and took a big bite.

  “Wow! This is really good!” she exclaimed.

  “I need to get rid of all of these guys! Do you want to buy fifty-nine more?” Brianna asked hopefully.

  “I don’t think so, sweetheart,” the lady chuckled. “But I’ve got a good idea. Why don’t you offer them to the passengers on my bus? They’re on their way to the Westchester Hills weight-loss camp.”

  “Really?! Are you sure that won’t be too much trouble?” I asked.

  “Hey! They’ve been snacking on carrots, celery, and water for the past three hours and could probably use some real food. Assuming, of course, they haven’t morphed into rabbits and hopped off my bus by now!” She laughed and winked at us.

  Brianna and I grinned from ear to ear. We were starting to think that maybe we’d hit the jackpot!

  “Okay!” we said, and grabbed our bags of candy.

  OMG! It was a CHOCOLATE MASSACRE on that bus!

  People were screaming and waving money in the air as they climbed over each other to get to us.

  Then they bought two or three bars each and gobbled them up like they hadn’t had a crumb of food in days.

  We sold Brianna’s entire two bags of candy in less than five minutes. I was SO relieved that candy fiasco was FINALLY over.

  On our way home, Brianna and I started thinking. Maybe we could go into business together and get rich selling candy bars at weight-loss camps.

  I’d use my money for WCD tuition, and Brianna said she’d buy a baby unicorn.

  I seriously thought about telling her that unicorns don’t exist. But then I decided, NAH!!

  After we make our first million, I’ll probably just pay for a really good therapist for her. I’m just sayin’!

  !!

  MONDAY, JANUARY 20

  Today in gym class we started practicing for the President’s Challenge physical fitness test, which is given each spring.

  To make sure students had adequate time to train, our gym teacher gave us a handout back in the fall with the names of the four exercises we were going to be tested on: curl-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, and crunches.

  My health and fitness are VERY important to me. So I’ve been doing these exercises at home every day to try to stay in shape.

  Unfortunately, I just found out today I was doing ALL of them totally WRONG !!

  I’m SO disgusted! This is all my teacher’s fault. She should have provided specific instructions on HOW to DO these exercises.

  Now I’m really worried that I’m going to completely FAIL the presidential fitness test . . . .

  EXERCISE #1: CURL-UPS

  EXERCISE #2: PUSH-UPS

  EXERCISE #3: PULL-UPS

  EXERCISE #4: CRUNCHES

  See what I mean?! I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy doing the WRONG exercises.

  I’m thinking about filing a petition with the school board, requesting that students be given the choice to do either version.

  At least MY exercises aren’t superHARD and they DON’T make you all sore, sweaty, and smelly like the ones from that presidential fitness program.

  Anyway, while I was in the locker room getting dressed after gym, I was really looking forward to checking my new help boxes after school today.

  UNTIL I overheard MacKenzie and a few of the CCPs saying the advice column idea is SO LAME and that only a TOTAL LOSER would write in to Miss Know-It-All.

  Now I’m SUPERworried they might be right.

  Because between classes I couldn’t help but notice everyone walking right past my help boxes, ignoring them.

  To make matters worse, I’m in a really GRUMPY mood and in extreme PAIN from doing all of those really difficult exercises the CORRECT way.

  I’m so stressed out that I decided to wait and check my help boxes tomorrow. Even though I already know they’re probably going to be EMPTY.

  Oh! I almost forgot! I got even MORE bad news when I got home from school.

  It looks to me like my dad has decided to work full-time for Hollister Holdings, Inc.!

  Earlier today, he actually put his work van up for sale at a used car dealership.

  I can’t BELIEVE he just dumped Max the Roach at some used car lot!

  That’s just . . . COLD!

  At least Dad could have let us all say our good-byes to him so we could have closure!

  And I’m pretty sure Max is going to miss us, too! I bet he’ll be really lonely at that big used car lot.

  Especially with all of those total strangers very rudely GAWKING at him all
day long . . . .

  TOTAL STRANGERS RUDELY GAWKING AT MAX THE ROACH!

  POOR MAX!! He’s going to need some serious therapy when he gets older.

  OMG! I just had the most horrifying thought!

  What if AFTER MacKenzie’s dad hired my dad full-time, she made him FIRE MY dad!!

  Then not only would I lose my WCD scholarship, but my entire family could end up HOMELESS!

  SORRY!! But I’ve got a really, really, really, really BAD feeling about Dad working for Hollister Holdings, Inc.

  !!

  TUESDAY, JANUARY 21

  All day I’ve been SUPERdepressed.

  I’m absolutely DREADING having to check the Miss Know-It-All help boxes.

  I’m sure Lauren has already told Mr. Zimmerman that the ONLY thing students were leaving for me was trash.

  My column is probably in danger of being canceled, and I haven’t even answered my first letter yet.

  Anyway, by lunchtime I felt like crying AGAIN.

  But I didn’t because I knew everyone in the cafeteria was just going to stare and whisper.

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid the inevitable.

  So instead of going to the library to shelve books, I decided to hide out in the janitor’s closet until all the students were in class and the halls were completely empty.

  My heart was pounding as I took a deep breath and stared at the rainbow help box in the hall near my locker.

  Then I slowly removed the top, and . . .

  There were two letters inside !!

  OMG! I was SO relieved.

  Then I raced down the hall to check the striped box right outside the cafeteria.

  There was a letter in there, too!

  And there was one letter in the smiley-face box near the drinking fountain and—get this—TWO letters in the metal box outside the newspaper room.

  I couldn’t believe it!

  Chloe and Zoey’s very chic marketing strategy had actually worked.

  Miss Know-It-All had gotten a total of SIX letters requesting advice!

  I was so happy I did my Snoopy “happy dance” right there in front of the girls’ bathroom.

  Because those letters were MINE!

  ALL MINE!!

  Then, like the big dork that I am, I actually gave them all a very big HUG . . . .

  ME, LOVING MY LETTERS!

  Miss Know-It-All is officially in BUSINESS.

  And MacKenzie had better watch her back !!

  I stayed after school to work on my first batch of Miss Know-It-All letters.

  I suddenly remembered how shocked I was to find a cupcake cookbook in the boys’ locker room when I was searching for my lost diary. The cookbook belonged to the football team captain, Brady Grayson.

  “I can’t believe he wrote this,” I laughed to myself. “How adorable!”

  I was pretty happy with my answer. I just wished I could’ve gotten my hands on some of those yummy cupcakes.

  The next letter was possibly a prank, but I answered it anyway.

  A few of my brain cells died just reading that letter!

  I figured Slacker Superstar would get a higher score on his/her homework turning in a paper with Brianna’s drawing of a giraffe than with MY help.

  But I wrote my answer down on paper and stuck it in locker 108 as instructed.

  This next letter could have been written by me.

  I guess I’m NOT the only older sister with a bratty little sister or brother who drives her totally nuts!

  I really need to follow my OWN advice on this one:

  This next letter was a very deep and complex question most students ponder at some point in their lives. But it will forever remain unanswered . . . .

  Wow! Starstruck actually seemed to be really, really, um . . . starstruck! But who hasn’t been in love with that supercute guy on the cover of your fave CD or starring in your fave teen sitcom? I decided to tell her the truth very gently.

  I can hardly believe that when the next newspaper comes out tomorrow, I will kinda, sorta be a published writer!

  Wow! Mom is going to be so proud that she’ll put my first column on the refrigerator next to one of Brianna’s crazy drawings.

  Hey, I’m just getting warmed up with this advice stuff.

  But THIS is the totally mind-blowing part. . . .

  On my way out of the building, I checked all of my help boxes, and I’D GOTTEN FOURTEEN MORE LETTERS!

  SQUEEE!! Can you believe THAT?!!

  So I’m going to wrap up this diary entry and get busy saving the world.

  Miss Know-It-All’s work is NEVER done!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22

  “Dear Miss Know-It-All.”

  I read the bold print at the top of my column over and over again. It felt like I was looking at an official article written by an official writer, who wasn’t me. But it WAS me!

  In the cafeteria, EVERYONE had their newspapers out, and they were reading my advice column on page 2.

  “Have you seen ‘Miss Know-It-All’?” Alexis, a cheerleader, asked her friend Samantha.

  “I’m looking at it right now,” she answered.

  “Someone on our squad is dating a total sweetheart who loves to BAKE!” Alexis gushed. “How romantic is THAT?! And Miss Know-It-All gave him great advice! I SO envy his girlfriend!”

  I just stood there in shock, listening to all of the chatter with a freakishly huge grin on my face.

  ME, SHOCKED AND SURPRISED THAT EVERYONE IS READING MISS KNOW-IT-ALL

  But I couldn’t just stand there basking in my success. I had work to do.

  Out of my twenty-one new letters, this one caught my eye:

  You learn something new every day! I had no idea that teachers had a pecking order just like kids. But whoever that person was, my heart went out to him/her. I was eager to help my elder dork outsmart this overgrown bully.

  I was really anxious to see how that situation worked out. If any of the teachers were replaced by a substitute in the middle of the day, I’d know they were suffering from “the chocolate pudding of wrath.” (Wink, wink!)

  Normally, I would never promote revenge. And yes, I SO regret the Great Toilet Paper Caper. Everyone knows I’m basically a peaceful, fun-loving, Disney-watching hippie!

  But if someone stole food out of my mouth, I’d be taking OFF my earrings and putting ON my boxing gloves. I’m just sayin’!

  Anyway, as lunch was ending, I noticed a huge commotion in the hallway. The cheerleaders were crowded around a locker, and I could see Brady Grayson with a coy smile on his face.

  “Brady! OMG!” squealed a cheerleader in pigtails.

  I buried my face in my math book like I was totally engaged in it (yeah, right!) so I could get closer and sneak a peek at what was going on.

  Brady had decorated his girlfriend’s locker with red wrapping paper and ribbon to make it look like a giant gift. And when she opened it, everyone gasped, including ME. . . .

  Brady had followed Miss Know-It-All’s advice, and her locker was filled with red roses and red velvet cupcakes. He’d even spelled out “You’re Special!” with alphabet magnets.

  “I have a confession to make.” Brady blushed. “I made those cupcakes you like, not my mom. I love baking, and I hope that doesn’t change anything between us.”

  “Oh, Brady! Don’t be silly!” she gushed as she gave him a big bear hug.

  There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. I could barely keep myself together. I buried my face deeper in my math book so no one could see where those crazy-sounding sniffle-hiccups were coming from.

  I was so proud of myself, and Brady, too. With a little sound advice, Prince CHUMP had become Prince CHARMING!

  And at that moment just a teeny-tiny part of me was SUPERenvious of Brady’s girlfriend. But not for long, because Miss Know-It-All’s advice blew up in my face! Later that day I received a letter that sounded like it was written by his girlfriend.

  I was like, Just great ! My ad
vice about the Brady cupcake thing had totally BACKFIRED!

  And to make matters worse, my Miss Know-It-All letters were starting to pile up.

  That’s when I decided it was time to consult my favorite experts on human behavior. And I was NOT talking about Dr. Phil.

  Whenever things got really out of control, I could always count on my two BFFs. . . .

  Chloe, the self-help guru, and Zoey, professor of chick lit and all things sappy!

  I was going to ask them to stay after school next Tuesday to read over my letters and give me advice on how to answer them.

  If anyone could help me sort out this mess, THEY could!

  !!

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 23

  Had I been anyone else, this letter would have been challenging to answer. But no one was more qualified to give advice to a troubled and traumatized newbie than me. I knew exactly what to say.

  I wanted to tell her all of my horrific tales about being tortured by the CCP girls and their goblin queen, MacKenzie.

  But my letter would be so long, it would end up looking more like a book.

  No! It would be a book SERIES!

  I hoped my words would give Missing Idaho a little bit of motivation to hang in there and give WCD a chance.

  I had a hunch who might have written that letter.

  And I planned to keep an eye out for her and invite her to hang out with Chloe, Zoey, and me during lunch next week.

  !!

  FRIDAY, JANUARY 24

  OMG! OMG! OMG!

  I just got a letter that’s pretty much freaking me out! I think I know who wrote it. . . .

  What if Brandon wrote this about ME?! SQUEE!!

  OMG!! I just had the most horrible thought! What if Brandon is writing about MacKenzie?!! Maybe he likes her and NOT ME !