Tales From a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess Read online

Anyway, when Mom announced that she had not just ONE, but TWO early Christmas presents for Brianna and me to open—I was pleasantly shocked and surprised.

  Had I known my brilliant, in-your-face marketing strategy was going to work so well, I would have used it years ago.

  The larger present was SO big, I guessed that it probably contained my new laptop computer, cell phone, art supplies, AND cash.

  “I hope it’s a chocolate cake!” Brianna screamed excitedly. “I’m going to have a Princess Sugar Plum chocolate cake for my birthday!”

  We both ripped open our gift at the same time. I almost FAINTED when I saw what was inside. . . .

  “MOM!! WHAT THE . . . ?!! A PRINCESS SUGAR PLUM DRESS?!”

  Apparently, Mom had paid our neighbor lady, Mrs. Wallabanger, to make us these sickeningly frilly MATCHING Princess Sugar Plum dresses.

  Then Mom got all emotional and teary-eyed.

  “Girls, the best part is that tomorrow you’ll be wearing these beautiful dresses to a VERY special event!”

  I was like, “Mom! Are you KA-RAY-ZEE??!!”

  But I just said that inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  I hoped that the event was going to be at a junkyard, an abandoned parking garage, a cow pasture, or a sewage treatment plant. Anywhere there’d be a limited number of life-forms to see me in that UGLY dress!

  Mom giggled and begged us to open our second present. Judging from the very small size, I was hoping it was a box of matches.

  Then I’d be able to BURN my new dress in the fireplace. But no such luck !

  “SURPRISE!! For Family Sharing Time, we’re going to see the Nutcracker ballet!” Mom exclaimed.

  I was SO frustrated I wanted to scream!

  “AAAAAHHHHH!”

  WHY was my mom giving me an UGLY dress and a BORING ballet theater ticket, when I’ve been BEGGING for a new CELL PHONE for, like, FOREVER?!

  Had she not even BOTHERED to READ the twenty-seven copies of my wish list that I had discreetly left lying around the house?!

  Hey, if I’m gonna watch a stage show, it better include slammin’ vocals, krazy-good dancers, special effects, fireworks, loud guitar solos, and crowd surfing.

  I am so NOT looking forward to this.

  If Mom really wants to TORTURE me, she should just make me stay home and BABYSIT BRIANNA while blasting Dad’s LAME disco music until my EARS BLEED.

  I’m just saying . . .

  !!

  SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21

  I just stared at myself in the mirror in total disbelief.

  How was this possible?

  I HATED that hideous dress even MORE than I did yesterday.

  I decided it was time to take legal action. I was going to sue my parents.

  For CRUELTY to children!

  “Girls! It’s time to go!” Mom chirped cheerfully. “I can’t wait to see how beautiful the two of you look!”

  I adjusted the huge bow in my hair, which was the size of a small seagull.

  I looked just like one of those creepy Victorian porcelain dolls you find in antique shops.

  To make matters worse, the fancy shoes were killing my feet. I so wanted to wear my worn-out sneakers.

  It was going to be painful enough to have to sit through a two-hour SNOOZEFEST.

  Hey, I might as well have comfy feet.

  Brianna, Mom, and I wore red dresses and matching bows, while Dad wore a black suit with a red shirt and a big red-and-white polka-dotted bow tie.

  I caught a glimpse of the four of us in the living room mirror and actually had a mini meltdown.

  We looked like a family of, um . . . CIRCUS CLOWNS . . . all dressed up for a . . . clown . . . FUNERAL or something!

  All we needed now was . . .

  1. Some rubber balls for Dad

  2. One of those trick plastic flowers that squirt water for Mom

  3. A big plastic horn for Brianna, AND

  4. A little clown car for me, so I can jump in and drive away from my crazy family.

  CLOWNS “R” US!

  For some reason, Brianna’s dress fit a little strangely.

  Probably because it was on backward. DUH!

  “Brianna,” Mom groaned. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you put that on by yourself. Come here.” She knelt down next to Brianna and adjusted her dress.

  “No! I can dress myself!” Brianna protested. “I’m a big girl! My birthday is coming up soon, and I’m going to get a Princess Sugar Plum chocolate cake.”

  Mom just ignored her. “There,” she said. “Now you look just as lovely as the Sugar Plum Fairy. She’ll be in the ballet tonight.”

  “Hey!” Brianna’s eyes lit up. “Is she Princess Sugar Plum’s SISTER?”

  Mom and Dad winked at each other.

  “It’s very possible,” Mom said. “We’re going to see her and her ballerina friends dance in pretty costumes. It’s going to be a lot of fun. You’ll see.”

  “Nikki, tell me the story about Princess Sugar Plum’s sister? Please!” Brianna begged.

  I rolled my eyes. It was a complicated story. And Brianna had the attention span of a Tater Tot.

  “Well, her friend Clara gets a lame toy, her brother breaks it, it comes to life, their house gets infested with dancing rats, and they visit a land full of candy and desserts. Then their world gets taken over by an evil Rat King,” I muttered.

  “CANDY and DESSERTS?!” Brianna squealed, basically ignoring everything I’d said about doom, gloom, and dancing rodents. “Do you think there’s chocolate cake there?”

  “There’s every dessert you can imagine,” Mom added dreamily. “The flowers, trees, and castles are all made of sweets. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”

  We all piled into the car, and about thirty minutes later we arrived at this huge, swanky-looking theater. Everyone there had on suits and formal dresses.

  Mom had managed to get us seats really close to the stage so we’d have a good view. But guess who got stuck sitting next to Brianna?

  ME!!

  I think Mom and Dad did that on purpose, because while the orchestra was warming up, they left their seats to go chat with friends.

  I mean, WHO did they think I was? Mary Poppins?! Nanny McPhee?!

  While Brianna and I were sitting there, she suddenly started swinging her feet and kicking the seat in front of us while singing a superobnoxious song she’d made up:

  “Sugar plums, cookies, and candy

  But watch out, Mr. Rat

  ’Cause if you touch my chocolate cake

  I’ll whack you with a bat!”

  An older man wearing a tux turned around and gave us BOTH a dirty look.

  Which made no sense whatsoever because I wasn’t the one singing and kicking his seat!

  “Brianna,” I hissed, “stop kicking that man’s seat. And please be quiet!”

  “Hi, Mr. Bald Guy! How did you get your head to shine like that? Guess what? I’m wearing a new dress. On my birthday I’m going to get a chocolate—”

  BRIANNA, TALKING TO MR. BALD GUY AND KICKING HIS SEAT

  “Brianna! Zip it!” I snapped.

  Finally Mom and Dad came back to their seats and the theater lights dimmed.

  But Brianna was already bored out of her skull.

  When the orchestra started playing, she must have decided it was the perfect music for her little song because she started singing at the top of her lungs:

  “Sugar plums, cookies, and candy

  But watch out, Mr. Rat—”

  “Shhh!” At least a dozen frowning people shushed her.

  I sank down in my seat and pretended I was with another family.

  That’s when Mom shot us BOTH a Death Stare.

  Which made no sense whatsoever.

  I wasn’t the one singing about a RAT, really loudly and off-key.

  All throughout the first act Brianna squirmed and kicked the seat in front of her.

  But at least she was quiet.

  Thank goodness.
>
  Until the evil Rat King and his minions appeared.

  That’s when Brianna stood up in her chair, pointed at the stage, and screamed:

  “Holy McNuggets! Those dancing rats are HUGE! And guess what?! My sister had a Halloween costume like that! Didn’t you, Nikki? Except yours was really stinky . . . !”

  BRIANNA, SCREAMING AT THE RATS

  Everyone turned and shot us dirty looks.

  OMG! I was SO embarrassed.

  I wanted to DIE!

  I did NOT appreciate Brianna telling all of my personal business like that.

  Hey, I didn’t know those people.

  They were, like, complete . . . STRANGERS!

  Anyway, I think Brianna must have messed up the Rat King’s concentration or something because he missed quite a few of his dance steps.

  “So, where’s Princess Sugar Plum’s sister?” Brianna blurted out next.

  “Brianna! Shhhh!” Mom scolded her in a whisper.

  “Nikki, please try to keep your sister quiet, okay?” Dad pleaded under his breath.

  “I am. She’s just NOT listening!” I huffed kind of loudly.

  Oops. I forgot to use my “inside” voice.

  “SHHHHHHHH!!” At least a dozen people shushed me.

  Finally the curtains came down and the lights went on for intermission.

  OMG! It seemed like the entire audience was staring at us all evil-like.

  “This is why you don’t bring children to the theater,” the bald guy in the tux muttered loudly to his wife, followed by a few not-so-nice words.

  Brianna tapped him on his shoulder again.

  “Hey, Mr. Baldy! Did you see those huge rats up on that stage?! Boy, were they scary!”

  That was the last straw for the tux guy.

  He turned beet red, stood up, stomped over to an usher, and demanded that he and his wife be given new seats.

  I wanted to grab hold of his coattails, drop to my knees, and beg desperately, “Please, sir, take me with you. Please!”

  I had to get a break from Brianna before I totally lost it.

  “I’ll be right back!” I said to my parents. “I’m going to find some water. Or a ride home, if I’m lucky.”

  “Wait, Nikki! I wanna go toooo!” Brianna whined.

  “I’ll be right back, Brianna.”

  “But I need to go to the bathroom!”

  “Nikki, could you take your sister to the bathroom? Please?” Mom asked.

  DARN IT!!

  I wanted to argue with Mom. But if Brianna had an accident while we were discussing the matter, I knew Mom was going to blame me.

  And I was pretty sure the concessions stand DIDN’T sell Pampers in her size.

  “Come on, Brianna!” I grumped.

  “Thank you, dear!” Mom smiled. “I appreciate it.”

  Once we got to the bathroom, I tried my best to be patient with Brianna.

  “Now, hurry up and go, okay? The show will be starting again soon, and we want to get back to our seats before they dim the lights.”

  “Don’t rush me!” Brianna said, and stuck her tongue out at me.

  As she walked into the stall her eyes lit up. . . .

  “Oh, goody! Now I can pretend my arm is broken and wrap it up,” she squealed happily.

  Just great! I sighed.

  This was going to take FOREVER!

  I waited for three long minutes.

  “Brianna, are you done yet?”

  “Almost. Now I’m wrapping up my broken head.”

  “Your broken WHAT?! Brianna, let’s GO! NOW!”

  “But I STILL have to use the BATHROOM!”

  “Fine! I’ll be waiting for you on that bench right outside the bathroom door. When you get done, wash your hands and come right out. Okay?”

  “Okay! Um, Nikki, do you have any . . . glue?”

  I made a mental note-to-self: If, during my lifetime, Mom EVER asks me to take Brianna to the bathroom again, run away SCREAMING!

  I hadn’t been sitting on the bench for more than a minute when I noticed a long line of people waiting to buy these huge gourmet cupcakes in a fancy glass display case on the other side of the lobby.

  I guess Brianna’s obsessive rambling about chocolate cake must have affected my subconscious or something.

  Because I could almost hear the double-fudge chocolate cupcakes calling my name.

  Soon the line had dwindled down to two people, and Brianna was still nowhere in sight.

  That’s when I decided to make a mad dash to buy a cupcake.

  It wasn’t my fault that by taking Brianna to the bathroom I had worked up a tremendous appetite.

  They were way overpriced at $7.00 each.

  But they were the most-large, most-moist, most-luscious, most-chocolaty cupcakes I had ever seen in my entire life.

  The sales clerk guy placed it in a fancy white box, and I carefully placed it in my purse.

  Of course, me being the responsible older sister that I was, I never took my eyes off that bathroom door for more than a few seconds (or minutes).

  I started to get a little worried because they were flashing the house lights, which meant intermission was about to end.

  And I was STILL waiting for Brianna to come out of the bathroom.

  So you can imagine my surprise when I turned around and spotted a frilly red Princess Sugar Plum dress at the drinking fountain on the other side of the lobby.

  I rushed right over.

  “There you are, Brianna! You were in the bathroom FOREVER! We need to get back to our seats right now. Come on!”

  I grabbed her hand and pulled her through the lobby.

  That’s when she stared up at me with the most HORRIFIED look on her face.

  My brain was STILL trying to figure out how Brianna had gotten curly red hair, freckles, and glasses.

  But my mouth came up with the answer and suddenly blurted . . .

  “Hey! You’re NOT Brianna!”

  “Mommy!” the little girl cried. “Stranger danger! Stranger danger!”

  ME, WITH A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS APPARENTLY NOT BRIANNA

  Startled, I dropped her hand and backed away.

  “My bad!” I apologized. “I thought you were someone else! Sorry!”

  Then I rushed back to the bathroom to try to find my little sister.

  “Brianna? Are you in here? Brianna!” I screamed as I checked every stall. But she was nowhere to be found.

  My heart started to pound and my palms got really sweaty. I frantically ran back out into the hall and scanned the lobby. Still no Brianna.

  That’s when I started to panic. OMG! What if she’s lost FOREVER?! The terrifying thought overwhelmed me.

  I couldn’t imagine life without my little sister, even though she was a Category 5 hurricane in pigtails.

  I was so distraught, I even started to miss Miss Penelope.

  I vowed that if I found Brianna, I’d buy a new purple pen and personally give Miss Penelope a glamorous makeover.

  MISS PENELOPE’S MAKEOVER

  But now I had to go back into that theater and tell Mom and Dad I had somehow lost Brianna. I was hoping PRAYING Brianna had just wandered back into the auditorium.

  If only she was back in her seat, safe and sound, torturing the people sitting nearby by kicking their seats, singing her obnoxious little song, and chatting with Mr. Baldy.

  The ballet had already started up again by the time I got to my row. This meant I had to crawl over about a dozen highly annoyed people.

  “Excuse me. I need to get through. Was that your foot? Sorry! I apologize. Oops!”

  By the time I got to my seat, my eyes were finally starting to adjust to the darkness. I fully expected to see Brianna come into focus at any second.

  “What took you so long?” Mom whispered really loudly. “We were starting to worry! Um, Nikki, dear . . . WHERE’S BRIANNA?!!”

  I opened my mouth, but at first no words came out.

  “She’s not here? I thought mayb
e she came back to her seat!”

  Mom’s expression shifted from curiosity to alarm.

  “WHAT?!” she said even louder.

  Of course, everyone shot her dirty looks.

  “I—I was waiting for her in the bathroom, and she just . . . VANISHED!”

  “Did you check all the stalls?”

  “YES! Three times.”

  “Uh, dear . . .” Dad tapped Mom’s arm nervously. His eyes were frozen on the stage.

  “How about the lobby and the concessions stand?” Mom continued. “Maybe she saw some candy.”

  “Mom, I looked EVERYWHERE!”

  “Well, let’s not panic. Maybe she’s playing in the elevators. Let’s go back out to the lobby and—”

  “DEAR, you REALLY need to see this!” Dad interrupted again.

  “What could possibly be more important right now than trying to find . . .”

  That’s when Mom and I looked up at the stage. “BRIANNA!!” we both screamed.

  Clara and the Nutcracker prince were making their grand entrance to the Land of Sweets in an extravagant boat.

  With a little stowaway in the backseat. Who was festively draped in what looked like a full roll of toilet paper.

  “Brianna!” Mom called out to her.

  But either Brianna couldn’t hear Mom or she was ignoring her.

  Brianna seemed almost hypnotized by the candy cane trees, gumdrop bushes, and the humongous cupcake castle on the stage.

  But the really scary part was that she had this mischievous grin that went from ear to ear.

  The confused audience immediately noticed Brianna onstage in her toilet-paper outfit.

  Most of them scratched their heads and whispered to each other.

  No one seemed to remember there being a pint-sized mummy in The Nutcracker.

  Clara and the Nutcracker prince, still all smiles, stared back at the audience with perplexed looks on their faces.

  But when they finally turned and saw Brianna standing there smiling and waving at the audience, they totally FREAKED. . . .

  Clara frantically whispered something to the prince.

  He then leaned over, picked up Brianna, and tried to carry her off the stage. But Brianna stubbornly held on to the boat for dear life. Finally he gave up and just left her there.