Tales From a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess Read online

  The good news was that if I read six pages a minute, I could finish the book in less than two hours !!

  I was pleasantly surprised when I didn’t immediately doze off or have any major medical complications from my boredom allergy.

  But after what seemed like forever, I was so mentally exhausted, the words were just a blur on the page. That’s when I decided to stop and take a short fifteen-minute break from my intensive reading.

  Especially since, according to my clock, I’d been reading for an entire seven minutes AND had blazed my way through three whole pages.

  After quickly recalculating my numbers, I made a very shocking and grim discovery.

  At the rate I was currently working, it was going to take me FOREVER to read the book, assuming I DIDN’T stop to rest, eat, get a drink of water, sleep, or go to the bathroom.

  I was so NOT happy about this situation.

  That’s when I suddenly got this overwhelming urge to rip the pages out of that book one by one and flush them down the TOILET while hopping on one foot.

  DON’T ASK! I was suffering from mental exhaustion.

  How BAD did I NOT want to read Moby-Dick?

  I actually made a list. . . .

  HANG OUT WITH BRIANNA?!

  I could NOT believe I actually wrote those words.

  Especially after she totally grossed me out at dinner tonight.

  HOW?

  By opening her mouth to show me her partially chewed broccoli tuna casserole.

  While Hawaiian Punch dribbled out of her nose.

  OMG! It was all so NASTY I couldn’t even finish my meal!

  It’s making me queasy again just thinking about it.

  Finally, I’d had enough. I slammed my Moby-Dick book shut and threw it across the room in utter frustration.

  Then I walked down the hall and stuck my head inside Brianna’s room.

  “Hey, Brianna! What’s up?”

  She was sprawled on the floor playing dolls.

  “The Wicked Witch has thrown Princess Sugar Plum into the ocean, and Baby Unicorn is trying to rescue her. But since he can’t swim, the Magic Baby Dolphin has to help,” Brianna explained.

  “Sounds fun!” I said.

  “Do you wanna play too?” Brianna asked excitedly.

  “Sure!” I said, and flopped down on the floor next to her.

  Okay, what was more important?

  Spending quality time with my wonderful little sister?

  Or reading Moby-Dick?

  Mom would have been proud!

  BRIANNA AND ME, PLAYING DOLLS

  Brianna picked up her Magic Baby Dolphin and changed her voice to a high squeak. “Hurry, Baby Unicorn! Jump into My Designer Dream Boat and we’ll go rescue Princess Sugar Plum.”

  I placed Baby Unicorn on the boat and did my best impression of Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks. “Okay, let’s go! Thank you, Magic Baby Dolphin, for helping me! How will I ever repay you?”

  “You can come to my birthday party and bring lots of candy! I’m going to have a pizza party at Queasy Cheesy. With chocolate cake, too,” Brianna said happily.

  “Oooh! Goody gumdrops! I just LOVE Queasy Cheesy! And chocolate cake,” I said Baby Unicorn said.

  “Just keep an eye out for sharks!” Magic Baby Dolphin added. “They have very pointy teeth, you know!”

  “AAAHHH! SHARKS! Get me outta here!!” Baby Unicorn screamed as she ran and hid.

  “Wait! Come back, Baby Unicorn! Who’s going to save Princess Sugar Plum?!” Magic Baby Dolphin cried.

  “I dunno! Call 911! Sharks have very pointy teeth. And I’m allergic to very pointy teeth!” Baby Unicorn screamed hysterically.

  Brianna giggled. “Nikki! This is just like the Princess Sugar Plum MOVIE! Only, more FUN!”

  That’s when a little lightbulb popped on in my brain. BOAT?! FISH?! POINTY TEETH?! MOVIE?!

  “Brianna! I have an idea! Let’s shoot a real movie! You go run water in the bathtub, and I’ll get Dad’s video camera. This is going to be a blast!”

  Brianna squealed with excitement. “YAY! I’m gonna go put on my Princess Sugar Plum swimsuit.”

  I ran back to my room and read over my Moby-Dick assignment sheet.

  It said, “Please focus on two central themes—the allegorical significance of the whale, Moby Dick, and the deceptiveness of fate. Your report can be written or presented in any other suitable format. BE CREATIVE!”

  This was GREAT news! I quickly skimmed the last few pages of Moby-Dick.

  I felt kind of sorry for that Captain Ahab guy. In the end he was so wrapped up in his quest for revenge that he went completely overboard in his final attempt to kill that whale. No pun intended!

  I quickly gathered some props. Then I auditioned my actors and cast the parts.

  Of course Brianna wanted to be the STAR of the movie. And since none of those teen actors from the Disney and Nickelodeon channels were available on such short notice, I finally gave in and let her do it.

  MOBY-DICK—CAST OF CHARACTERS

  (Played by Kent fashion doll)

  (Played by Wicked Witch of the West doll)

  (Played by My Designer Dream Boat)

  (Played by Brianna Maxwell)

  Shooting our movie was pretty challenging. To create the stormy ocean, I decided to use a fan.

  We finished filming in about an hour. I think my movie turned out pretty good. Especially considering the fact that I had a cast of inexperienced actors and no budget, and it wasn’t shot on location.

  I just hope I get a decent grade.

  But most important, I learned a very crucial lesson about the dangers of procrastination. . . .

  NEVER, EVER wait until the last minute to do a major homework assignment!

  UNLESS, of course, your little sister can do a really good killer whale impersonation! ROAR!!

  I’m thinking about entering my video in one of those prestigious Hollywood film festivals.

  Who knows?! Maybe one day Moby Dick Battles Princess Sugar Plum on My Designer Dream Boat will be playing at a theater near you.

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18

  OMG !!

  I have never been so HUMILIATED in my entire life!

  Today in gym our teacher announced that we were going to spend the entire hour watching a very special group of skaters perform.

  She said they were talented, hardworking, and deserved our utmost respect and admiration.

  Next she explained that she would be scoring the skaters while the class watched.

  I was so happy and relieved to hear this news that I actually did a Snoopy “happy dance” inside my head.

  I’m just really bad at ice-skating. And instead of improving, I swear it seems like I’m getting WORSE.

  I was looking forward to seeing those supertalented high school kids skate. Maybe I could even learn a thing or two.

  Then things got REALLY weird.

  Our teacher asked MacKenzie, Chloe, Zoey, and me to stand.

  Then she announced that each one of us was going to individually perform the skating routine that we were working on for the Holiday on Ice show.

  Of course MacKenzie, Chloe, and Zoey were more than happy to show off their skills on the ice.

  ME? I almost PEED my pants! Every cell in my body wanted to run out of there SCREAMING. But instead, I just shrugged and said, ”Um . . . okay.”

  Even though MacKenzie still hadn’t found a charity sponsor, her routine was sheer perfection.

  On ice, she was like a graceful fairy snow princess or something. . . .

  When MacKenzie finished her routine, she got a standing ovation from the class. And our gym teacher gave her a fantastic score of 9.5! I was practically green with envy.

  I was up next. As I stepped onto the ice I gave myself a little pep talk. I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

  I ended my routine by tripping over my feet and sliding across the ice on my stomach like a HUMAN PUCK.
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  And just when I thought my skating routine couldn’t get any worse, I slammed into a hockey net and it fell over, trapping me inside . . .

  . . . like some kind of giant LOBSTER CREATURE in lip gloss, hoop earrings, and ice skates.

  Of course all of the jocks jumped up and yelled, “GOAL!!” and gave each other high fives.

  It seemed like the entire class was pointing and laughing at me. I wanted to cry really, really bad! I didn’t know which hurt more, my gut or my ego.

  Then, to add insult to injury, I saw my score. . . .

  I could NOT believe my gym teacher had actually given me a NEGATIVE FOUR!

  Hey, I’m NOT a professional judge or anything. But any IDIOT knows there are no NEGATIVE numbers in figure skating!

  I was SO mad! I actually told off my teacher right in front of the entire class.

  “Listen, sister! Let me see YOU get YOUR DUSTY BUTT out there on the ice and NOT BREAK A HIP or something!!”

  But I just said that inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  Chloe and Zoey rushed over to help me up and asked if I was okay.

  I told them I was just fine, thank you! Then I went straight to the girls’ locker room and started writing in my diary.

  I’m sure Chloe and Zoey will each do really well on their routines.

  Then they’ll get a standing ovation from our class and a superhigh score from our teacher, just like MacKenzie!

  That’s because all three of them are really talented skaters.

  Unlike ME!!

  But I’m not jealous of them or anything.

  I mean, how JUVENILE would THAT be?!!

  SORRY! But I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!

  I QUIT!!

  !!

  THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19

  I felt really horrible giving up when so much was at stake for Brandon and his family.

  But the show was only eleven days away. There was just no way I was going to be able to improve enough to NOT make a complete FOOL out of myself.

  The director of the ice show is Victoria Steel, a famous Olympic gold medalist figure skater.

  I heard from Chloe that she’s superstrict. She yells at skaters when they fall, even though it’s just a charity event. And last year she actually cut a skater from a show because she said the girl was an embarrassment!

  If I stayed on the team for Fuzzy Friends, there was a risk we could get cut from the show and lose the $3,000 needed to keep the shelter open.

  I couldn’t take that chance.

  As of yesterday, MacKenzie STILL needed a charity. So the mature and responsible thing to do was to ask BEG her to take my place and skate for Fuzzy Friends.

  I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  This was the ONLY way I could help Brandon.

  And YES! I felt AWFUL!

  My biggest fear was that he was going to think I was an immature, undisciplined, untalented, ungraceful, self-centered BRAT!

  I planned to explain everything to him tomorrow and then break the news to Chloe and Zoey.

  But Brandon showed up today while I was working in the library.

  Chloe and Zoey had just left to pick up several boxes of new library books from the office, and I was the only person at the front desk.

  ME, NOT NOTICING BRANDON STANDING THERE WATCHING ME WRITE IN MY DIARY

  “Hey, Nikki!”

  “OMG! Brandon? Hi! I didn’t see you standing there!”

  “So, how’s the skating coming?”

  “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. There’s something I need to tell you. And I was hoping you could give Betty the message.”

  “Oh, really!” Brandon said, smiling. “That’s funny, because I have a message from HER to YOU.”

  “You do? Well, you can go first,” I said.

  “I’m not in a big hurry. You can go first.”

  “No! YOU!”

  I looked at him and he looked at me.

  “OKAY! I’ll go!” we both said at the same time.

  Then we laughed.

  “I give up, Maxwell. You win! I’ll go first . . . ,” Brandon chuckled.

  Then he reached down and grabbed a bag.

  “Betty asked me to give this to you. She said she wouldn’t be able to keep the shelter open without your help, and it’s just a small token of her appreciation.”

  Brandon brushed his bangs out of his eyes and gave me a big smile.

  I just stared at the bag and then Brandon and then the bag and then Brandon again.

  “Well?” Brandon said, still holding it out to me. “Why don’t you open it? I’m supposed to make sure you like it.”

  As I accepted the bag from him, a big dopey smile spread across my face and I blushed profusely.

  Although I was smiling on the outside, I was a complete emotional wreck on the inside.

  How was I supposed to tell Brandon I was quitting the ice show when Betty had just sent me what appeared to be a thank-you gift?

  Inside the bag was a small, thin gift-wrapped box. The wrapping paper had pictures of the cutest puppies wearing red bows. Just like our Great Puppy Escape photos.

  But then I took a closer look. It WAS our photos! Brandon had printed them up as gift wrap.

  “AWWWWW!! How cute!” I gushed.

  I tore open the wrapping paper and inside was a DVD of the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp.

  “OMG, Brandon! This was my favorite when I was a little kid! It’s PERFECT!”

  Brandon smiled. “I was hoping you’d like it!”

  “I DO! And Brianna’s going to love it too!”

  Brandon crossed his arms, leaned against the desk, and stared right at me.

  “So . . . what was it you wanted to tell ME?” he asked.

  JUST GREAT !! Right then I felt like a total JERK!

  “Well, I—I just was . . . um . . . ,” I stammered.

  WHO would quit on a poor lady struggling with an orphaned grandson, a sick husband, and eighteen homeless animals AFTER she’d just sent a wonderful thank-you present?

  Only a coldhearted SNAKE, that’s who!

  “Actually, it’s kind of about MacKenzie.”

  I hesitated, staring nervously at the floor.

  “She’s an excellent skater, and I was thinking she—”

  “Listen, Nikki. Don’t worry about MacKenzie! She’s been hanging around trying to get Betty to change her mind. But Betty is sticking with you, Chloe, and Zoey. Besides, in bio today I overheard MacKenzie telling Jessica she was going to be skating for a fashion school or something.”

  I was shocked to hear that MacKenzie had finally found a sponsor.

  “A fashion school? Are you kidding?” I exclaimed. “Wait, don’t tell me . . .”

  I put my hand on my hip and did my best MacKenzie impression.

  “Hon! Like, my very fabulous charity is from the Westchester Institute of Fashion and Cosmetology. Which, by the way, is owned by my aunt Clarissa!”

  Brandon looked amused. “Yeah, actually, I think that’s EXACTLY what she said. It’s owned by her aunt . . . Clarissa?”

  “Yeah, I bet MacKenzie convinced her aunt to start a new charity to make our city more beautiful. She stands on street corners handing out designer clothing to the fashionably challenged!” I joked.

  That girl is so INCREDIBLY vain. . . .

  MACKENZIE, MAKING OUR CITY MORE BEAUTIFUL!

  Thanks to her aunt Clarissa, MacKenzie was now completely OUT of the picture. Which meant ME and my very bruised behind were back IN.

  I needed to go to my Emergency Plan B. Only I didn’t have one.

  Brandon folded his arms. “So, what is it I’m supposed to tell Betty?” he asked again.

  “Actually, Brandon, just tell her I LOVE the DVD. And thanks!”

  “Thank YOU!” Brandon said softly as his eyes locked onto mine.

  OMG! Talk about major RCS.

  My knees felt all weak and wobbly, and I wasn’t even on the ice.

  Br
andon glanced at his watch. “Uh-oh! I better get back to class. I’m here on a . . . bathroom pass.”

  He gave me another one of his crooked smiles and I tried not to swoon. Very much.

  After Brandon left, I collapsed into my chair.

  This was BAD!

  Very, very BAD!!

  But when I picked up my new Lady and the Tramp DVD, for some reason I started to feel better.

  Probably because my very favorite scene was on the cover. You know the one.

  The famous SPAGHETTI KISS!

  That’s when I started to wonder if Brandon likes spaghetti.

  What if on our very first date we went to a quaint little Italian restaurant and shared a plate of spaghetti? We’d get . . .

  SQUEEE !! Hey! It could actually happen!! Hmmm . . . I wonder how much private lessons with a figure skating coach cost . . . ?

  ME, AS A GRACEFUL ICE PRINCESS TRAINING WITH MY COACH!

  FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20

  Today is the last day of school! This means I’m officially on winter break! WOO-HOO !

  Christmas is my most favorite holiday! WHY?!

  Because you get lots of presents AND a long vacation from school! It’s like having a birthday and a mini summer vacation all rolled into one.

  How cool is THAT?!

  The only downside is that by the time you hit middle school, most parents really start slacking off on their gift-giving responsibilities.

  Every year I get the same old cruddy gifts—pajamas, socks, fruitcake, and an electric toothbrush with no batteries in it (DUH!).

  I’m so DISGUSTED! I have such a large inventory of cheap, junky gifts I could actually open my own DOLLAR STORE or something. . . .

  But THIS year is going to be different! And yes, it was probably a little tacky of me to “accidentally” leave copies of my wish list plastered all over the house for Mom to find. . . .

  I’m sure my wish list was way more exciting reading than those dusty old Reader’s Digests my dad keeps in the bathroom.