Dork Diaries 7: Tales from a Not-So-Glam TV Star Read online

  And right now I am SOOOO exhausted! I can BARELY keep my eyes open as I write this. . . .

  ME, TRYING TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN EVEN THOUGH I’M EXHAUSTED!

  I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this crazy schedule.

  And it’s starting to STRESS me out !!!!

  I’m just SO tired! The ONLY thing I want to do is go to

  MONDAY, MARCH 17

  Chloe, Zoey, and I were SUPERexcited about auditioning additional studio backup singers today after school and then going to the recording studio later.

  We felt like we were famous celebrity talent show judges. You know, BEFORE they started scraping the bottom of the barrel and using those cray-cray celebs as judges.

  But I guess Principal Winston didn’t share our enthusiasm.

  I asked him if we could hold our auditions in our brand-new state-of-the-art school auditorium. But he said it was only reserved for “special” events.

  The worst place in our entire school is dingy sixth-grade classroom that smells like gerbil pee.

  Well . . . unfortunately, THAT’S where he put us !!

  ME, TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO SMELL THOSE STINKY GERBILS

  The kids auditioning either had superstrong willpower or a very weak sense of smell.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I actually learned how to be mouth breathers!

  “So, Tyrone, what brings you here today?” I asked the guy standing in front of us.

  “I wanna be a backup singer. My voice is AWESOME, man!” he boasted. “I can outsing any of those famous boy-band dudes!”

  “That’s great! We can’t wait to hear you,” I said. “So, what are you going to sing for us?”

  “You mean . . . like . . . right now?” He looked confused.

  “Yeah. You do have a song prepared for the audition, right?” Zoey asked.

  “No, man!” he answered. “I only sing in the shower. That’s how I keep it real. Know what I’m saying?”

  “No. Not really,” Zoey said, rolling her eyes. “We’re working in the studio right now, and this summer we may be doing some concerts. It would be kind of difficult for us to carry around a . . . um, SHOWER for you to sing in, Tyrone. . . .”

  TYRONE, ONSTAGE WITH US WHILE SINGING IN THE SHOWER!

  “I only sing in the shower in MY bathroom, dawg, and that’s it! All the stuff you’re talking about is just . . . WEIRD!”

  We watched in amazement as he headed for the door.

  “Yo! If you can’t get with the program, I’m outta here!”

  “Well, that was productive!” I said with a frustrated sigh. “How many auditions have we seen so far?”

  “Let’s see! If we count all of the audition forms that you scribbled ‘You gotta be kidding me !!’ on in red ink, crumpled, and then tossed in the wastebasket, I’d say we’ve had about twenty-nine auditions!”

  Then Zoey looked at the callback tray.

  “And judging from the number of callbacks, it looks to me like you absolutely, totally HATED all of the talent.”

  ZOEY, CALCULATING THE NUMBER OF AUDITIONS AND CALLBACKS

  “Ugh!” I slammed my head on the table. “This stinks! Now I know why that Simon Cowell guy is so bitter all the time!”

  But as they say in Hollywood, THAT’S SHOWBIZ!

  Well, some good news is that Chloe, Zoey, and I had our first recording session this evening at 7:00 p.m. It went really well. . . .

  Not only do we sound great together, but we had a blast recording. And we did it all without having a shower stall in the studio. Sorry, Tyrone !!

  NIKKI MAXWELL: THE MAKING OF A POP PRINCESS! EPISODE #4

  TUESDAY, MARCH 18

  Well, my day got off to a pretty ROTTEN start ! When I woke up this morning, the most horrible thought hit me like a ton of bricks. . . .

  OMG!! I TOTALLY forgot I was supposed to meet Brandon in the library after school yesterday!! I’m the worst friend EVER !!

  Even though I texted Brandon an apology, I was still an emotional WRECK! I felt so bad about the whole thing that I was distracted and spaced out the entire day.

  And then in math class, I made a total FOOL out of myself during the quiz.

  I really need to try to get more sleep! It’s almost like I’m suffering from sleep deprivation or something.

  I stayed up really LATE last night doing practice problems. Then I got up really EARLY this morning and did a few more.

  The good NEWS is that all of that studying really paid off. I totally understood how to do those difficult equations and breezed right through the quiz.

  However, the BAD news is that all of the stress about the Brandon situation combined with the lack of sleep finally took its toll on me.

  I was so EXHAUSTED I could barely keep my eyes open.

  The quiz question was:

  Simplify the following algebraic expression: -2x + 5 + 10x - 9

  I just conked out right in the middle of the quiz!

  And I must have drooled or something while I was snoozing because my answer was practically tattooed right across my face.

  I had to go to the bathroom and wash it off with soap and water. But hey! At least it was the CORRECT answer!! Which means I got an A on the quiz!

  Thank goodness the camera crew wasn’t filming me today! I would have looked like a complete IDIOT!

  OMG! When I saw Brandon in the hall before bio class today, I felt AWFUL! I apologized PROFUSELY for forgetting that we were supposed to meet in the library after school yesterday to work on his scholarship entry.

  But get this! MacKenzie was hanging around SPYING on us. Like, WHO does that?!! She really needs to get a life and mind her OWN business! I don’t know WHY she is so INSANELY jealous of my friendship with Brandon!

  ME, APOLOGIZING TO BRANDON (WHILE MACKENZIE EAVESDROPS ON OUR CONVERSATION)

  Anyway, I explained to Brandon that Trevor Chase had asked Chloe, Zoey, and me to conduct auditions for backup singers at the EXACT same time. And I didn’t realize there was a scheduling conflict until AFTER the fact.

  Brandon was supercool about the whole thing and said he’d already started working on writing the essay part about me.

  He suggested that we reschedule for this Thursday, March 20. And of course I said YES!!

  Anyway, I’m just happy Brandon isn’t mad at me for standing him up like that.

  He’s, like, THE coolest guy EVER!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19

  Unfortunately, the auditions we held today didn’t go any better than the ones on Monday.

  Even though we were looking for singers, we auditioned a comedian, a tuba player, two tap dancers, and a talking dog. Don’t ASK!!

  Suddenly my cell phone rang. I picked it up and cringed when I saw the caller’s name.

  “Oh no! It’s Trevor Chase!” I groaned. “He probably wants to know how many new backup singers we’ve found from the people who came in for auditions!”

  I took a deep breath and then clicked on the speakerphone.

  “Hi, Mr. Chase! What a pleasant surprise to hear from you!” I said all perkylike.

  “Do you have a second to talk?” he asked. “I won’t keep you long. I know you’re busy.”

  The room was as empty as a ghost town. I half expected to see a tumbleweed roll by! “Sure,” I said. “I can spare a minute.”

  “Good. I have great news,” Trevor said. “I’ve found the perfect dance choreographer! She’s young, she’s talented, she’s hip, and she’s assured me that she can have everyone whipped into shape and dancing like pros in no time at all!”

  “That’s awesome!” Chloe cheered.

  “It sounds like she really knows her stuff!” Zoey gushed. “I’m totally on board with hiring her!”

  “Me too,” I agreed. “We’re really excited to meet her!”

  “Perfect! Because she’s really excited about working with you,” he said.

  “OMG! What’s that horrid smell?” MacKenzie shrieked as she entered the room. “T
hey put you in the gerbil-pee room?! Disgusting!”

  That’s when she whipped out her expensive designer perfume. . . .

  MACKENZIE, SPRAYING THE GERBIL CAGE WITH DESIGNER PERFUME

  Suddenly the stench in the room got even WORSE!

  Thanks to MacKenzie, it now reeked of gerbil pee mixed with freshly picked roses. And just a hint of berries.

  I shot her a dirty look.

  “SHHHHH!!!!!” Chloe waved her hand at MacKenzie like she was shooing away an obnoxious fly.

  “What are you doing here, MacKenzie?” I hissed, covering the phone with my hand.

  “Checking out your little audition thingy,” she answered. “That’s strange . . . I don’t see anyone in line! Did I get here early, or is no one interested in joining your amateur, tone-deaf band?”

  I honestly think MacKenzie has a homing device in her brain to find me when I’m miserable and make me feel ten times worse!

  “If Trevor had chosen MY group for the record deal, the audition line would be a mile long!” She sneered.

  “But he DIDN’T choose your band, did he?” Zoey shot back. “So cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and get over it!”

  “Actually, MacKenzie, we’re really busy right now,” I explained. “Mr. Chase has found us a choreographer who probably works with all of the biggest pop stars! Everything’s going great for us, thank you. So please butt out of our business and go do something more constructive, like choke on a Tater Tot in the cafeteria!”

  That’s when MacKenzie’s cell phone rang. Thank goodness! Now she could go blabber mindlessly to some other unlucky person. OMG! I had totally forgotten I still had Trevor Chase waiting on the phone.

  “I’m so sorry about that interruption, sir!” I apologized. “Now, what were you saying?”

  “We were talking about the choreographer. I’d like all of us to have a conference call,” he said. “She has tons of ideas for you! Hang on, okay? I have her on hold!” After a couple of seconds I heard a few clicks.

  “Hi, Mr. Chase!” the choreographer chirped.

  “Hey! How’s it going?” he replied. “Nikki Maxwell’s on the line with us. Nikki, are you there? Can you hear us okay?”

  “Yeah . . . but I’m picking up a weird echo,” I answered.

  “Really? How odd!” the choreographer said.

  “There goes that echo again!” I frowned. “I don’t know if my phone signal is bad or . . .”

  That’s when I noticed that Chloe and Zoey looked like they’d just seen a ghost or something! They nudged me and then nodded to my right.

  “What’s wrong, guys?” I asked, totally confused.

  Then I finally SAW something VERY wrong . . . MACKENZIE !!

  She gave us a big phony smile, waved, and then said really sweetly . . .

  US, IN SHOCK AT THE NEWS THAT MACKENZIE IS OUR NEW CHOREOGRAPHER

  That’s when I vomited a little in my mouth.

  “So we’re all in agreement, then. MacKenzie Hollister is your new choreographer,” Trevor announced happily. “A teen choreographing a teen band!! I LOVE it!”

  But I just kept my mouth shut so I wouldn’t burst into an angry rant.

  “Actually, Mr. C, we’re classmates and locker neighbors!” MacKenzie giggled. “What a crazy coincidence! This is going to be SO much FUN!”

  But Chloe, Zoey, and I could see her beady little eyes and that evil smirk on her face.

  With MacKenzie on our team, this whole project is a train wreck just waiting to happen!

  But the craziest part was THIS. . . .

  MacKenzie announced that as our official choreographer hired by Trevor Chase, she would be giving us homework assignments that would make us stronger and better dancers.

  MY first assignment was to watch a series of videos she’d made and posted on YouTube called The Fundamentals of Dance.

  She said I was going to be practicing some of those same dance steps with her tomorrow after I finished working with my voice coach.

  That’s when I totally lost it and screamed, “MacKenzie, are you NUTS?! My schedule is already like a full-time job. If I get any busier, I’m going to have to drop out of middle school!!”

  But I just said that inside my head so no one else heard it but me.

  JUST GREAT! Now I can add watching MacKenzie’s dance videos to my “Dumb Stuff I Gotta Do Tonight!” list.

  Do all aspiring pop stars have to work with a calculating, maniacal . . . SOCIOPATH?!!!

  !!

  THURSDAY, MARCH 20

  Today was a complete and utter DISASTER !!

  Thanks to MacKenzie, I was up until 2:00 a.m. last night watching her STUPID dance videos.

  In one of them, she was dressed like a bumblebee and just danced around onstage for thirty minutes pretending to pollinate some fake plastic flowers.

  Her dad must have hired someone to shoot those videos. Because no real audience would have sat there and watched that GARBAGE! I’m just sayin’!

  And all day I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open during class. This new schedule of mine is beyond exhausting.

  Anyway, when the last bell rang, I rushed right over to the library to wait for Brandon. I actually got there a few minutes early. But I sort of accidentally fell asleep in a study cubicle. Well, that’s what the librarian told me. . . .

  BRANDON AND ME, PATIENTLY WAITING FOR EACH OTHER IN THE LIBRARY SO I CAN HELP HIM WITH HIS PROJECT

  BRANDON, LEAVING THE LIBRARY AFTER WAITING FOR ME FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR (WHILE I SNOOZED IN A NEARBY CUBICLE)

  That’s what the librarian told me when she woke me up to tell me I had to go home because the library was closing in five minutes.

  I can’t believe I let Brandon down AGAIN ! His scholarship project is SUPERimportant!

  If he UNFRIENDS me on Facebook, I’d TOTALLY deserve it!

  Did I mention that I also slept right through my voice lesson? And my first dance practice with MacKenzie. It gets WORSE! My recording session starts in LESS than thirty minutes.

  Which means I’ve been asleep in that stupid study cubicle for four hours!!

  AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

  (That was me screaming in frustration.)

  !!

  NIKKI MAXWELL: THE MAKING OF A POP PRINCESS! EPISODE #5

  FRIDAY, MARCH 21

  I HATE, HATE, HATE my martial arts class !! I’m not very good at it. And my karate instructor is CRAY-CRAY! He’s always ranting about how he’s the “greatest” this and the “strongest” that. But seriously, the only chops he knows about are PORK chops!

  In gym, Sensei Hawkins made us line up military style with our hands at our sides. Then he paced the floor, mean mugging random kids.

  “So . . . you little pip-squeaks have returned for more of the Hawk’s infinite knowledge,” he said mockingly. “Wise decision. It’s a cruel, merciless world out there! The ‘eye of the tiger’ philosophy will only get you so far. But the ‘claw of the Hawk’ conquers all! It’s sharp, powerful, and hangnail free—groomed with the nail clipper of RIGHTEOUSNESS! AIIEEYAAA!!!”

  He hollered, did a side kick, and tried to finish with the splits. However, he only got about halfway down before he stopped abruptly. Then he pursed his lips and tried NOT to scream in PAIN. . . .

  THE HAWK DOES THE SPLITS?!

  “Students . . . ,” he announced, “what I’m REALLY demonstrating here is my signature Hawk’s Wing Stance! I used this move to defeat a gang of eleven bank robbers, armed only with my bus pass, a bottle of prune juice, and an empty Doritos bag!”

  Chloe, Zoey, and I exchanged looks and then rolled our eyes in complete disgust.

  “Perhaps one day, the Hawk will teach you this deadly stance. IF you prove yourselves worthy!”

  When he jumped out of his “stance,” his back went CRAACK!! He winced and did a cocky laugh.

  “Now prepare yourselves, pip-squeaks! It’s time to demonstrate what you’ve learned from the last class. Any volunteers?”

  I tr
ied to avoid eye contact. I was praying that if I was still enough, I’d blend in with the deflated basketball behind me. I heard Sensei Hawkins sniff the air and walk toward me.

  “The Hawk’s keen nose is picking up the scent of a COWARD! Right . . . about . . . HERE!” he snarled, and pointed at ME!

  “All right, puny coward, throw a good punch or you dishonor this dojo!!” he screamed right in my face.

  THE HAWK, YELLING AT ME TO PUNCH!!

  That guy really needed to back off! I’m seriously allergic to big ugly JERKS.

  The odor he was smelling was probably the liverwurst and tuna fish sandwich I smelled on HIS breath.

  Then he pulled a pink cupcake out of his shirt, stuffed it into his mouth, and chomped angrily at me. The merciless chewing and smacking had me sweating bullets!

  Then came the meanest, most threatening belch I’d ever heard! Even though it smelled like strawberries, he REALLY meant business!!

  “Start punching!” he ordered.

  I was so nervous, I actually forgot HOW to punch. I just stared at him blankly and tried really hard not to lose my breakfast.

  “Did the Hawk give you permission to EYEBALL him?! NO! Just PUNCH!” he roared.

  His face was really red. It made me think he was going to turn into the Hulk or something! But I guess his anger just made him want to eat more.

  Before I could say “all-you-can-eat,” he was holding a chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top. How is he storing that stuff?!

  He must be some kind of magical FOOD WIZARD!

  I FINALLY remembered how to punch and made a feeble attempt at an uppercut.

  “NO!” He scowled with chocolate dripping from the corners of his mouth. “You call that powerful?! Roar when you punch, pip-squeak! Like this—HIIIYAAAAAH!”

  “Oh, okay! Um . . . hi-ya!” I threw a weak jab and smiled nervously.