Dork Diaries 7: Tales from a Not-So-Glam TV Star Read online

  It was quite obvious her nosy BFF, Jessica, who works in the office, had given her some inside information about our karate section in gym. And get this! She’d dusted her face and hands with pink shimmery glitter so she twinkled under the gym lights as she moved across the floor.

  “K-I-A-I!” she screamed at the top of her lungs!

  I was so startled by her sudden outburst that I peed my pants. Well, almost.

  “What are you people staring at?” MacKenzie snarled. “Did you actually think I’d wear that hideous karate uniform? Not only is it three sizes too big, but the crotch of the pants hangs below your knees. Sorry! But you all are going to look like you’ve pooped your pants!”

  “MacKenzie’s such a spoiled DIVA!” Zoey whisper-giggled. “Someone needs to YIN her YANG!”

  “Can you say SPARKLY. PINK. DISASTER?!!” Chloe laughed so hard she was snorting.

  “Okay, class, that’s enough! Please settle down!” our teacher scolded. “Our school has teamed up with a local karate school to add martial arts to our fitness program. So for the rest of the month, this class will be taught by an outside instructor who is an expert in the field. He’ll be joining us tomorrow. I expect everyone to be courteous, respectful, and on their best behavior at all times. Understood?”

  The entire class nodded. Except MacKenzie. She was sitting with her eyes closed, in a deep, tranquil meditation. Or taking a little nap. Personally, I think she was just showing off for the camera. That girl is such a DRAMA QUEEN!

  Anyway, I think I’m really going to enjoy my martial arts class. My new black belt will look really cute with my black leather boots. I mean, how hard could it be?!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12

  We were just finishing our warm-up exercises in gym class when we heard a bizarre scream coming from the hall. “KIYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

  Then this old guy with a potbelly charged through the doors! He was wearing a gaudy silver gi, and doing every corny Power Rangers fighting move he could think of!

  He also has an overgrown, bushy mustache, but the biggest fail of all is his hair! It looks like he had it cut with a weed whacker while blindfolded.

  WHAT was he thinking?! That hairstyle is so UGLY it has to be ILLEGAL in most states!!

  After a minute of hollering, kicking, and flailing his arms like a crazy person, he was hoarse, out of breath, and completely worn out.

  This dude took AWKWARD to a whole new level! Yet for some strange reason, I couldn’t look away!

  He coughed until he caught his breath. Then he dabbed his sweaty forehead with a silver hanky.

  “Whew!” he panted. “Gimme . . . a second . . . !”

  The entire class looked worried and alarmed. But it wasn’t because our instructor appeared to be having a major heart attack right before our eyes. We knew it was going to be a LOOOONG month!

  “Ha! I’m not winded! I was just . . . um . . . testing you! And you’re just as GULLIBLE as I predicted!” he announced. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Rodney ‘The Hawk’ Hawkins, master of Hawk’s High-Kick Karate School!”

  He flexed his arms and showed off the hawk image on the back of his gi.

  “As my students, you may address me as Sensei Hawkins, Fearless Leader, The King of Karate, or The Greatest Martial Artist OF ALL TIME!”

  Ugh! His ego’s almost bigger than that flabby gut hanging over his black belt, I thought.

  “This isn’t a gymnasium anymore, pip-squeaks, it’s my karate dojo!” he shouted. “The Hawk doesn’t tolerate weaklings in his dojo! I wanna see air punches right now! Watch me! One-two, one-two, one-two!”

  He made us practice air punches until our arms almost fell off! . . .

  ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY PRACTICING OUR AIR PUNCHES

  However, my major concern was the TV crew televising a close-up of my sweaty armpit stains! EWW!

  “It looks like some of you are slowing down,” Sensei Hawkins yelled while sitting comfortably in a folding chair. “The Hawk doesn’t tolerate laziness! Pick up the pace, or else!” He reached into his gi shirt and pulled out a bag of Cheeze E-O’s cheese puffs.

  “Is he seriously going to eat Cheeze E-O’s during class?!” I asked Chloe and Zoey.

  “I know!” Zoey agreed. “How he became a licensed fitness instructor is beyond me!”

  “I dunno, maybe he’s testing us again,” Chloe said.

  “The only thing the Hawk is TESTING is how good those Cheeze E-O’s are!” I snarked.

  He must have heard us or something, because he got up, walked over, and glared at us.

  “HEY!” Chomp, chomp, chomp! “You three little pathetic princesses! More punching, less complaining!” he yelled, spitting cheesy orange specks everywhere. “The Hawk is NOT amused!”

  US, COMPLETELY GROSSED OUT BY OUR CRAZY TEACHER SPITTING CHEEZE E-O’S ON US!

  The only thing worse than spending an entire hour doing the same punch over and over is having to watch a sloppy karate instructor smack and snarf down more food!

  After the Cheeze E-O’s, he had beef jerky.

  After the beef jerky, he had three candy bars.

  After the candy bars, he had two bananas.

  After the bananas, he had a bag of potato chips.

  And after the potato chips, he had a dozen Oreo cookies.

  And after the cookies, he had . . .

  Wait for it . . . !!

  Wait for it . . . !!

  A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER WITH BACON!!

  “A burger?!” I uttered in disbelief. “This guy just pulled a BURGER out of his shirt! What is he hiding in there, a fridge or something?!”

  “Who knows?” Zoey griped. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a jumbo-size combo meal in there! If he doesn’t run out of food soon, he’ll never dismiss this class! We could be stuck here the rest of the day.”

  “You’re right, guys. This IS insane!” Chloe complained, rubbing her cramping arm. “Ouch! I am SO sore! And suddenly craving a burger!”

  Luckily, Zoey (but unfortunately, not Chloe) got her wish! Sensei Hawkins savored the last crumb of his burger and wiped his dirty hands on his shirt.

  “Hey! It looks like we’re out of food . . . I mean . . . time!” he yelled. “I’ll share a piece of karate wisdom with you before you go. A wise man once said, ‘The only thing to fear is fear itself. But the only thing for fear itself to fear is . . . the Hawk!’ HIYAAAAHHH!!!”

  He tried to do a roundhouse kick, but HE couldn’t get his leg very high because his overstuffed belly was in the way. So his kick was more of a punt.

  By the end of class, Chloe, Zoey, and I were physically and mentally TRAUMATIZED.

  Is THIS what karate is supposed to be like?!! Seriously! I’m SO over this martial arts stuff!

  I have a better chance of defending myself with some of the ballet leaps I learned last fall. I’m just sayin’ . . . !! !!

  But on a much happier note, I was practically mobbed at lunch today by the kids at school!

  The first episode of my reality show, Nikki Maxwell: The Making of a Pop Princess! aired last night at 7:30 p.m., and everyone LOVED it.

  OMG! I could barely eat my hot dog in peace.

  Hey, I just might need to hire a security team like a real Hollywood TV star. They’d protect me from all of my ADORING fans at school so I can go to class every day. Poor ME!!

  Anyway, my recording session was rescheduled just so my family and I could watch the show together. Mom even popped a big bucket of popcorn for us to share, like it was a blockbuster movie or something.

  OMG! It was SO cool to see me and my BFFs on television. I have to admit, we were hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing! Chloe, Zoey, and I texted each other like crazy through the entire show.

  My parents said they were really proud of me, and Brianna and Miss Penelope actually requested my autograph.

  I can’t wait to see the next episode! Although I’m totally bummed that I’ll have to DVR it since I’ll still be at the recording stud
io when the show comes on.

  Thank goodness MY show doesn’t have all the crazy drama, tears, screaming, backstabbing, and fighting, like all the others. I guess I’m just SUPERlucky!!

  !!

  NIKKI MAXWELL: THE MAKING OF A POP PRINCESS! EPISODE #2

  THURSDAY, MARCH 13

  I’ve been DYING to know what Brandon wanted to ask me. Almost a week had gone by and he still hadn’t mentioned it. Until TODAY!

  In bio, he asked me to meet him at Fuzzy Friends after school tomorrow so we could talk. Even though I have a lot of stuff to do, I agreed. Then he smiled at me and blushed. And of course I smiled back at him and blushed. It was SO sweet!

  Just like at the Sweetheart Dance! Um . . . did I ever mention that something happened that night at the dance?! No?

  OMG! Everything was SO romantic. Just . . . PERFECT! It was just like a Disney movie. You know, when the handsome prince is about to kiss the beautiful princess. SQUEEEEEEE !!

  As we dreamily gazed into each other’s eyes, a giant magnet seemed to be pulling us together! Closer, and closer, and closer. Until . . .

  MacKenzie just came out of . . . nowhere!

  Well, actually, that’s NOT true.

  Right before Brandon and I were so rudely interrupted, I smelled the foulest, FUNKIEST stench on the planet!!

  And no! It was NOT Brandon’s breath!

  It was the aroma of 100% pure, grade-A Dumpster juice!

  “STOP!! WHERE’S MY PRESENT?!” screeched a furious MacKenzie.

  Her face was grimy, her hair was greasy, and her dress was covered in dark green slime!

  “I’ve been digging around in that Dumpster for an hour. And my necklace is NOT in there! WHY did you LIE to me?!! Do I look STUPID to you?!”

  “Well . . . ,” I said, staring at the dirty toilet paper hanging around her neck like a feather boa and the banana peel sliding down her forehead. “Um . . . are you SURE you want me to answer that question?”

  “Shut up, Maxwell! LOOK what you did to me!” she screamed. “THIS is a designer gown identical to the one created for Taylor Swift. Now it’s RUINED!”

  I just rolled my eyes at that girl. Puh-lease! Can you say #RichGirlProblems?

  That’s when MacKenzie completely lost it!!

  “I HATE you, Nikki Maxwell! I’m so angry . . . I could just . . . AAARRRGGGHHH!!!” she shrieked, and balled her fists.

  Then she got all up in my face. “You might’ve won this battle, but the war is FAR from over!”

  Then she attempted to sashay away on her broken platform heel, but it was more of a hobble, like click, THUNK, click, THUNK, click, THUNK!

  Thank goodness she took that horrific smell with her.

  OMG! Brandon and I were SO close to our first kiss!

  If only MacKenzie hadn’t barged in and interrupted us like that !!

  Unfortunately, the romantic mood quickly dissipated. But that Dumpster stench lingered on and on.

  After the dance was over, Brandon walked me outside to the car. He told me he’d had a really great time. Then he said good-bye.

  But one day our first kiss is REALLY going to happen. I just know it!

  SQUEEE!!

  !!

  FRIDAY, MARCH 14

  Today the camera crew filmed me practicing with my voice coach at the recording studio. At first I was really nervous about singing on camera. But after a while I hardly noticed them.

  I’m already feeling tired, and next week is going to be even MORE hectic.

  I have voice lessons daily, and filming three to four times a week. And the recording sessions start next Monday from 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., Monday through Friday.

  And as if all of that isn’t enough, Trevor Chase just asked Chloe, Zoey, and me to hold auditions for additional studio backup singers on Monday and Wednesday after school.

  We also have a conference call with him next week to discuss adding a choreographer to our team, since we’ll be opening for the Bad Boyz.

  But the hardest thing so far has been trying to keep up with my classroom work AND get all of my homework done on time.

  I’ve decided to go to bed an hour later at night and get up an hour earlier in the morning to make time to finish up my homework. Oh, crud! I just remembered I have a math quiz next week and I haven’t even started studying for it yet.

  I guess that means I should probably go to bed TWO hours later at night and get up TWO hours earlier in the morning.

  To add to all of this craziness, I totally forgot I was supposed to meet Brandon after school today at Fuzzy Friends!

  Lucky for me, the recording studio is only about four blocks from Fuzzy Friends. So I took off running like I was doing a marathon or something.

  Just as I was approaching the building, Brandon was getting ready to lock up and leave. . . .

  ME, RUSHING TO MEET BRANDON AT FUZZY FRIENDS AFTER I’D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT!

  He looked really relieved and opened the door for me.

  “Sorry I’m l-late. Are you l-leaving already?” I panted, completely out of breath.

  “I was just about to. I’ve been here for two hours,” he said, glancing at his watch.

  OOPS ! I apologized profusely and explained how, at the last minute, my voice instructor had rescheduled to an earlier time so the camera crew could film our session, and I didn’t realize there was a conflict until after the fact.

  Brandon then explained that the thing he’d wanted to talk to me about was a SUPERimportant project he was working on. He needed me to help him with an entry for a scholarship competition sponsored by the Westchester Herald community newspaper. He says he really needs the scholarship money to help pay the tuition at our school. Boy, THAT problem sounds vaguely familiar !!

  He has to submit six photos and an essay about an outstanding local student by Saturday, March 29. Which, BTW, is the same date as our listening party at Swanky Hill Ski Resort.

  I was really flattered that Brandon chose ME for his entry!

  So he’ll be interviewing me about my life and future goals and taking photos of me working on my music and television projects.

  Of course I said YES! Even though my schedule is already pretty crazy and will be getting worse.

  We’re going to meet in the library right after school on Monday.

  To let him know just how committed I am to helping him on his project, I looked right into his beautiful brown eyes and PROMISED I’d be there for him. And that he could totally depend on me because I’d NEVER forget or be late AGAIN!

  Hey! HE would have done the same thing for ME!

  Anyway, in spite of the fact that I arrived late, Brandon and I had a blast hanging out with each other. He introduced me to two new playful puppies that had just arrived yesterday. . . .

  A TERMINAL CASE OF PUPPY LOVE ?!!

  But I had a really hard time trying to decide which was cuter and sweeter . . .

  Those ADORABLE puppies . . .

  Or BRANDON!!

  SQUEEEEE!!

  !!

  NOTE TO SELF:

  IMPORTANT! On, Monday, March 17, at 3:00 p.m. meet Brandon in the library to help him with his scholarship project! And PLEASE don’t MESS this up!!

  SATURDAY, MARCH 15

  Today is my mom’s birthday ! Happy birthday, Mommy!! I LOVE YOU!

  I was surprised when my director called and requested permission to film at our home to capture this special Maxwell family moment. I wanted to say, “Sorry, but my family is NUTZ! VERY bad idea! NO WAY!”

  But my mom was SUPERexcited about the idea. She went on and on about how she had always dreamed of having a healthy-food cooking show of her own for busy moms. And this was the closest she was EVER going to get to that dream.

  I was like, JUST GREAT !! But since Mom got all sappy and sentimental, I finally gave in and agreed. Of course, I have to admit, it really helped that:

  1. Brianna was at a birthday slumber party and wouldn’t be home until the afternoon. Which meant no em
barrassing bratty little SISTER! Woo-hoo!

  2. Dad was booked until noon with extermination appointments. Which meant no embarrassing DAD! Woo-hoo!

  3. Our raggedy van was being driven by Dad. Which meant no embarrassing five-foot-long plastic ROACH! Woo-hoo!

  Actually, this morning was the PERFECT time for the TV crew to come to my house and film since Brianna, Dad, and Max the Roach would NOT be home! My birthday present to Mom was breakfast in bed! So after I prepared her meal, I carried the tray up to her bedroom, shouted, “Surprise!” and sang “Happy Birthday.”

  “I love you, Mom!” I gushed. “Enjoy breakfast in bed with fresh strawberries on pancakes topped with extra whipped cream, and two scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage, milk, and orange juice! Just the way you like it!”

  “Nikki, sweetheart! You shouldn’t have!” she exclaimed, getting a little teary-eyed.

  ME, SURPRISING MOM WITH BREAKFAST IN BED!

  But OMG! She had NO idea how much trouble it was to make that breakfast.

  It took me an hour just to learn how to flip pancakes. And another hour to scrape seven of them off the stove, floor, and ceiling. . . .

  ME, TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO FLIP MOM’S BIRTHDAY PANCAKES!

  After adding up the cost of the batter and other ingredients for all the wasted pancakes, and the two cans of paint to repaint the ceiling and walls, I could have cut my losses and just bought Mom an expensive designer scarf from an exclusive store at the mall.

  Hey, you live and learn!

  But most important, I helped my mom have a very happy birthday.

  And the filming project with the TV crew went pretty smoothly too.

  Woo-hoo!

  !!

  NIKKI MAXWELL: THE MAKING OF A POP PRINCESS! EPISODE #3

  SUNDAY, MARCH 16

  I spent most of the day trying to catch up on all of my homework. No matter how hard I try, I seem to be getting just further and further behind.