Tales From a Not-So-Fabulous Life Read online

But I wiped it up with the sleeve of my not-from-the-mall, lint-ball-covered hoodie before anyone saw it.

  Even though I was totally bummed about all the DRAMA over the invitation, I really wasn’t that mad at MacKenzie.

  I’M SUCH A LOSER!! If I was having a party, I WOULDN’T invite myself either!

  SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

  I’ve had the most HORRIBLE week ever! WHY?

  Because MacKenzie has been TRASHING my life:

  1st She RUINED my chances in the avant-garde art competition.

  2nd She DISSED me by NOT inviting me to her party.

  3rd She RIDICULED me by calling me uncivilized.

  4th She PUBLICLY HUMILIATED me by giving me an invitation and then UNINVITING me.

  5th She tried to STEAL the one true love of my life, Brandon Roberts, by twirling her hair and flirting with him.

  I planned to spend my ENTIRE weekend just sitting on my bed in my pajamas, STARING at the wall and SULKING.

  Which, strangely enough, always seems to make me feel a lot better.

  Me getting my sulk on!

  But my plans were completely RUINED!

  Around noon my mom came bouncing into my room all cheerful and announced that for lunch we were having a family cookout on the grill.

  She said, “Honey, get dressed quick and come out into the backyard and join the FUN!”

  Well, obviously, I wasn’t in the mood for “fun,” and I just wanted to be left alone.

  And I didn’t like hanging out in our backyard, because I have seen some fairly large spiders out there.

  I have a thing about spiders—they creep me out.

  Also, my physician has diagnosed me as being highly allergic to pests that suck human blood, such as spiders, mosquitoes, leeches, and vampires.

  My life motto is “Bloodsuckers

  CANNOT be trusted!”

  Anyway, when I went outside, my dad was all dressed up in his matching chef hat and apron that we got him for Father’s Day.

  It said “My Dad Is the World’s Greatest Cook!” but most of the letters had faded off in the wash and it now says “My Dad eat s ook!”

  How we got that gift was actually kind of embarrassing. Mom drove me and Brianna to Wal-Mart and gave us $30 to spend on a nice Father’s Day present for Dad.

  But after Brianna bought a “Tattoo-N-Tan” fashion doll for $9.99 and I bought the new Miley Cyrus CD for $14.00, we only had $6.01 left over to use for Dad, which wasn’t a whole lot of money.

  Lucky for us, I spotted these hideous hot pink chef hats with matching aprons in a clearance bin for only $3.87.

  We had a choice of “Kiss the Cook!” “When Mamma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy!” “Detroit Pistons RULE!” or “My Dad Is the World’s Greatest Cook!” in orange fluorescent lettering.

  And since the gift was dirt cheap, we still had like $2.14 left to buy a Father’s Day card.

  But I convinced Brianna that Dad would much rather have a handmade card from us that SHE could make for FREE using notebook paper, crayons, and glitter.

  She totally bought into it, and I used the last few dollars to buy myself popcorn and an extra-large strawberry-mango smoothie. The snacks tasted good, considering the fact I was starving at the time and they came from a Wal-Mart.

  Who woulda thunk Dad would have loved that tacky gift so much!

  “This is the absolute BEST Father’s Day gift I’ve ever received in my entire life!” he said, and got all teary-eyed.

  Which is NOT saying much, because every year Brianna and I outdid ourselves finding CRUDDY Father’s Day gifts.

  But we always managed to snag some really great swag for ourselves. Father’s Day is now our favorite holiday after our birthdays and Christmas.

  Anyway, my dad was grilling the meat while whistling old disco tunes.

  Then, out of the blue, he suddenly developed a major complication. Not with his whistling but his grilling.

  I guess you could call it a bug problem.

  So when he told me to run into the house and get the can of bug spray, I had a really BAD feeling about it.

  I was like, “Dad, are you sure?”

  And he was like, “I don’t plan on sharing my twenty-dollar steaks with these pesky flies.”

  Well, THAT was a big mistake, because the bugs were NOT pesky flies.

  OUR FAMILY BARBECUE PICNIC (A STORY IN PICTURES)

  *THE END*

  You’d think an experienced exterminator would recognize a fly when he saw one.

  Unfortunately for Dad, he was dealing with a nest of very ANGRY HORNET WASPS!!

  Well, our cookout ended up being a total disaster!

  To make Dad feel better, we all complimented him on how handsome he looked in his snazzy chef hat and apron, even though he was a little dirty from knocking over the neighbor lady’s garbage cans when he was running away from those wasps.

  POOR DAD !!

  However, the good news is that I was able to go back up to my room and put in a few more hours of intense sulking. WOO HOO!

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

  Today we had our math test on calculating volume, and I was really nervous. Mainly because I am not that good at math.

  The last time I got a decent grade in this subject was way back in first grade. And even then I almost got half the problems wrong.

  It just so happened that I sat across from Andrea Snarkowski, the smartest girl in the entire first grade. We were taking a test on addition when I kind of “accidentally” noticed that Andrea’s answer to one of the problems was different from mine. So, at the last minute, I decided to cross out my answer with an X and use the one she had come up with.

  It was a good thing I did so, because I got an A on the test! My teacher was so pleased with my miraculous improvement—on a good day I usually did D+ work—she gave me a smiley face gold star. And only geniuses like Andrea Snarkowski earned smiley face gold stars.

  Since I had morphed into a brilliant math scholar, I also won the class Student of the Month Award, and my picture appeared in our community newspaper.

  NIKKI MAXWELL Me in first grade, with a perfect score on my math test after Andrea Snarkowski kind of helped me out a little bit

  My mom and dad were SO proud of me!

  They made 127 copies of my newspaper article and mailed them out to every single one of my relatives all across the nation.

  I can only imagine how happy and excited they were for me when they opened their letters:

  MY AUNT MABEL “Well, tutti my frutti! A picture of Dakota Fanning!”

  MY UNCLE AUGUSTUS “It can’t be! My long-lost nephew Vladimir, from Kazakhstan…??!”

  MY GREAT-GRANDMA GERTRUDE

  “Gracious, me! It’s Bindi, the jungle girl!”

  MY THIRD COUSIN BILLY-BOB “Ethel, call the cops! We just got another letter from that crazy stalker!!”

  Okay, so maybe some of my relatives didn’t recognize me right away.

  But if they had, I’m pretty sure they would have been really proud.

  Anyway, my geometry test on calculating volume was really hard.

  I know I should have studied more. But since I spent the entire weekend sulking, it kind of cut into my study time.

  I pretty much just prayed like crazy through the whole test.

  Sometimes even out loud: “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME TO PASS THIS TEST! I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT SNOOZING IN CHURCH LAST SUNDAY AND IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. ALSO, CAN YOU TELL ME IF THE FORMULA FOR THE VOLUME OF A CYLINDER IS r2h OR hr2? AND, WHEN YOU CALCULATE A SPHERE, DO YOU MULTIPLY THE…?”

  I guess a few people sitting near me must have overheard.

  I was TOO happy when that test was finally over!

  As I was putting my stuff into my backpack to go to my next class, I couldn’t help noticing MacKenzie eyeballing me all evil-like.

  Then she walked up to Jessica and said, “Today is the last day to enter the avant-garde art competition, and I have to take my entry form down to t
he office. I’ll meet you at my locker. Okay, hon?”

  Then Jessica stared at me and said really loud, “Mac, I just KNOW you’re going to win first place. Your fashion illustrations are SO um…BOOTYLICIOUS!”

  I could NOT believe Jessica said that, because “bootylicious” is like so yesterday!

  But the thing that really freaked me out was when MacKenzie smirked at me and was all like, “Nikki, everyone in the entire school knows you’re too CHICKEN to enter the art competition because I’M a better artist than you are. So don’t bother!”

  Okay. Even though MacKenzie didn’t actually SAY those words to me, she definitely looked like she was THINKING them.

  And, either way, it was a humongous INSULT to my integrity.

  Then she flipped her hair and sashayed out of the classroom. I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays!

  How DARE she talk about the art competition right to my face like that??!!

  Especially when it was HER fault I DIDN’T enter to begin with.

  This whole situation just TICKED me off!

  Suddenly, I just totally lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs, “MacKenzie STARTED this WAR, and now I’M going to FINISH it!!”

  But I said it in my head, so no one else heard it but me.

  Then I made a solemn promise to myself:

  I, NIKKI J. MAXWELL, being of sound mind and body, am officially entering the AVANT-GARDE ART COMPETITION!!

  I was going to show MacKenzie once and for all that I had MAD art skillz. And MINE were WAY MADDER than HERS!

  So I grabbed all my stuff and marched right down to the office to fill out an entry form.

  Sure enough, MacKenzie was still in there, applying her fourteenth layer of lip gloss and bragging nonstop about her fashion illustrations.

  “…and everyone thinks my original designs are so HAWT, and I’m going to be RICH and FAMOUS and move to HOLLYWOOD and blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah!”

  I was just casually chilling out behind a big plotted plant right outside the office door, minding my own business, when, finally, MacKenzie left.

  But it was NOT like

  I was spying on her or anything.

  I just didn’t want to attract a lot of attention to myself or have MacKenzie think I was making a big deal out of the fact that I was entering the competition.

  Although, to be honest, it WAS a big deal.

  It was THE most important thing I had EVER attempted in my entire fourteen years of life here on planet Earth.

  I rushed into the office and quickly filled out an entry form.

  As I handed it to the assistant, I felt a rush of panic, excitement, and nausea, all mixed up together whirling around in my stomach like leftovers in a garbage disposal.

  I walked out of the office and collapsed against the wall.

  My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear it in my ears. I began to wonder if this whole thing was a big mistake.

  Then, out of the blue, I got a really creepy feeling that someone was watching me, even though the halls seemed empty.

  Suddenly, a leaf on the plant I had hid behind moved, and I saw this EYE staring out at me! Then two eyes. Very icy blue ones.

  MacKenzie (YES, the MacKenzie) was peeping out at me from behind that big potted plant near the office door!

  SHE WAS LIKE, SO BUSTED!

  Finally, MacKenzie climbed out of the plant and sashayed over to the drinking fountain like she was thirsty or something. But it was very obvious to me that she was just trying to use WATER TORTURE to FORCE me to change my mind about entering the art competition.

  MacKenzie tried to act all innocent and apologetic, like the whole squirting me with water thing was just an accident. But I looked into her beady little eyes and could tell she absolutely meant to do it.

  I still could not get over the fact that I had actually caught her SPYING on me!

  Which kind of made me ANGRY, because I don’t follow her around, SPYING on her and getting all up in her Kool-Aid (which, BTW, means “business”).

  Well, at least not that often.

  Today was like TOTALLY an exception, mainly because we were both turning in entries for the art competition at the same time.

  But to stoop so low as to SPY on me?!

  THAT GIRL IS ONE SICK LITTLE PUPPY!

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

  I can’t believe I’m actually writing this while hiding in the janitor supply closet!! I know it’s supergrungy in here and smells like an old, wet, mildewy mop, but I didn’t know where else to go. I ABSOLUTELY

  HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

  THIS STUPID SCHOOL!!

  Today at lunch, I was carrying my tray and trying to get to table 9, where I was supposed to meet Chloe and Zoey. Things were going pretty good, because I had managed to sneak past the jock table without the football players making those embarrassing farting noises with their armpits.

  But as I was walking past MacKenzie’s table, I really wasn’t paying attention. She and Jessica must have STILL been pretty mad at me about the party invitation and the art competition, because this is what happened:

  ME IN THE LUNCHROOM TRYING TO GET TO TABLE 9

  I tripped, and suddenly, everything started moving in slow motion. My lunch tray went flying up over my head, and I heard a very familiar voice shrieking,

  “Noooooooo!”

  Then in HORROR, I realized it was MINE!

  CRASH!

  I fell flat on the floor and was so stunned, I could barely breathe. My spaghetti and cherry jubilee dessert were smeared across my face and the front of my clothes. I looked like a life-size version of one of Brianna’s messy finger paintings.

  I just closed my eyes and lay there like a beached whale, with every inch of my body aching. Even my hair hurt. However, the worst part was that the entire cafeteria was laughing like crazy.

  I was SO embarrassed, I wanted to DIE. I could barely see, because I had cherry jubilee in my eyes and it made everything look red and really blurry.

  Finally, I gathered the strength to crawl to my knees.

  But each time I tried to get up, I slipped in the mixture of spaghetti and milk and fell back down again.

  I have to admit, I probably looked hilarious sloshing around in my lunch like that.

  And if it hadn’t actually been happening to ME, I definitely would have been laughing my butt off along with everyone else.

  Then, MacKenzie folded her arms, glared at me, and yelled,

  “SO, NIKKI, ARE YOU HAVING A NICE TRIP?!”

  Of course, that witty little comment made everyone laugh even harder.

  It was the CRUELEST thing MacKenzie could have possibly said, especially since she was partially responsible for my “trip.”

  I was so humiliated, I started to cry.

  The good news was the tears washed all the gunk out of my eyes, and I could see again.

  But the bad news was, all I could see was this guy kneeling over me with a camera dangling in my face.

  And only ONE person in the whole entire school owns a camera like that.

  In a split second, I knew exactly what was going to appear on the FRONT PAGE of the next issue of our school newspaper !

  And I was NOT going to be sending that article to any of my relatives.

  It was very clear to me that some way, somehow, MacKenzie had completely charmed Brandon with her awesome beautyliciousness and lured him over to the DARK SIDE!

  And then BRAINWASHED him!

  How could my CRUSH—the secret LOVE of my life—do such a HORRIBLE and WICKED thing to me?!

  I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart with my favorite lucky ink pen—the hot pink sparkly one with the feathers, beads, and sequins on the end—and left to die. On the floor of the cafeteria. With everyone watching. And laughing. By my beloved BRANDON!!

  Then the most bizarre thing happened!

  Brandon kind of smiled at me, slid his camera out of the way, grabbed my
hand, and pulled me up off the floor.

  “You…okay?”

  I tried to say, “Yes,” but my voice just made a gurgling sound like I was strangling or something. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

  “Sure. I’m okay. I had spaghetti for dinner yesterday but it wasn’t nearly this slippery!”