Tales From a Not-So-Fabulous Life Read online

  At least I had a good excuse.

  I did it while I was temporarily INSANE from MacKenzie’s icy stare, which had frozen my brain cells, slowed my heartbeat, and totally immobilized my body so I couldn’t sign up for the avant-garde art competition.

  TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

  I had the most horrible accident in French class today. While I was taking my French textbook out of my backpack, my perfumed body spray, called Sassy Sasha, fell on the floor.

  Unfortunately, the little white nozzle thingy popped off, and it just kept spraying and spraying until the entire can was empty.

  My teacher, Mr. Somethin’ or Other (I can’t pronounce his name because it sounds like a sneeze), started yelling a lot of stuff in French that sounded to me an awful lot like cuss words.

  Then he evacuated all the students from the classroom because everyone was coughing and choking and their eyes were watering really bad.

  And while we were standing in the hallway, waiting for the smell to go away, he asked me very rudely in English (which I DO understand) if I was trying to KILL him.

  Okay! First of all, I don’t like French class that much anyway. And second of all, it was JUST an accident!

  I mean, it’s NOT like my perfume was REALLY going to kill him. At least, I don’t think so.

  But, then again, WHAT if it actually DID?! What if my French teacher collapsed in the teachers’ lounge while eating a corn dog at lunch and died from extreme Sassy Sasha asphyxiation??!!

  And what if, for three whole days, no one noticed the foul odor coming from his dead body, since the school lunches normally smell a lot like rotting flesh?!

  The police would launch an investigation, and I would be the main suspect.

  Then the CSI: Miami crime-scene experts would conduct scientific tests on my French teacher’s nose hairs and find traces of Sassy Sasha.

  They would figure out that I was guilty of fumigating him with a lethal dose of my body spray.

  And then, what if the CSI team SECRETLY planted ALL of the physical evidence on…MOI??!

  (BTW, MOI is French for “ME”!)

  I’d end up getting the ELECTRIC CHAIR during my freshman year, which would really SUCK!

  And then afterward, I’d be like TOTALLY peeved because I missed drivers’ ed class and my senior prom!

  Now that I think about it, Mr. Somethin’ or Other just LOVES MacKenzie, because she’s really good at French and she can pronounce his weird sneeze-sounding name.

  I bet if she had dropped HER Sassy Sasha body spray in his classroom and the nozzle thingy popped off, he would NOT have yelled at her or accused her of trying to kill him.

  But that’s because MacKenzie is

  MISS PERFECT!!

  I bet she’s even going to WIN the avant-garde art competition!

  And afterward, just out of spite, she’ll probably check out like 189 books from the school library and then return them all the next day.

  Of course, I’LL be the one STUCK having to put each and every one of them away, since I’m a STUPID library shelving assistant!

  My pathetic life is SO UNFAIR, it makes me want to

  SCREAM!!!

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

  Today everyone in the cafeteria was superexcited because MacKenzie was handing out invitations to her big birthday bash. The way Lisa Wang and Sarah Grossman were crying and hugging on each other, you would think they were gonna be on My Super Sweet 16 or something. It was beyond DISGUSTING!

  MacKenzie’s PHONY friends crying PHONY tears and giving each other PHONY smiles and PHONY hugs!!

  They reminded me of the Olsen twins. For the life of me, I never understood why those sisters were always hugging on each other. They were the first set of non-Siamese twins who people actually thought were joined at the hip.

  For the rest of the day, everyone MacKenzie invited to her party sucked up to her like a human vacuum cleaner. Except for Brandon Roberts.

  When she gave him an invitation, she tried to flirt with him by twirling her hair around her finger and smiling really big. She even “accidentally” dropped her purse so he would pick it up for her, just like Tyra says to do when you’re trying to get a guy to notice you.

  But Brandon just glanced at MacKenzie’s invitation, shoved it into his backpack, and walked right past her.

  And, boy, did she get upset when he blew her off like that.

  Then, a bunch of jocks trampled all over her new $300 Vera Bradley bag before she could pick it up off the floor. Personally, I kind of liked the dirty footprints better than that boring floral pattern.

  Anyway, Brandon is SOOOO COOOOL!!!

  From what I can tell, he seems to be kind of the quiet rebel type.

  He’s a reporter and photographer for the school newspaper and has won a few awards for his photojournalism.

  Once he actually sat at my lunch table, but I don’t think he noticed me staring at him.

  Probably because his shaggy, wavy hair is FOREVER falling into his eyes.

  And today in biology, when he asked if he could take a picture for the school newspaper of ME dissecting my frog, I almost DIED!!

  I was shaking so badly, I could hardly hold the scalpel.

  And now every tiny detail of his perfect face is permanently etched in my mind.

  IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I AM FALLING IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME?!

  THE BIOLOGY OF MY HEARTBREAK By Nikki Maxwell

  I see you in my dreams

  in your favorite white

  button-down shirt,

  sitting across from me

  in the cafeteria.

  I’ve never seen anyone

  eat fries so beautifully.

  I see you in biology class,

  taking pictures for

  the school newspaper, when

  you whisper to the depths of my soul,

  “Hold the frog at an angle.”

  For it is only you

  who can make a photo

  of a dissected frog

  seem so vibrant.

  So alive. Yet dead.

  It hurts to feel this way,

  to know that you’ll never know me.

  To want to run my fingers

  through your dark, wavy hair,

  as I realize that

  the putrid smell of formaldehyde

  and the dull gaze of a lifeless frog

  will forever remind ME of US!

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

  During my gym class, even the Scared-of-Balls girls were gossiping about MacKenzie’s party. Like one of them would ever get invited.

  They’re the really prissy girls who hang in small groups and scream hysterically whenever a ball comes near them.

  It could be a basketball, football, baseball, soccer ball, tennis ball, volleyball, beach ball, Ping-Pong ball, mothball, or even a meatball. They’re NOT very picky.

  SCARED-OF-BALLS GIRLS PLAY VOLLEYBALL

  YEP! You can always count on the Scared-of-Balls girls to screw things up and lose the game for you.

  It really sucks to have girls like Chloe and Zoey on your team. Especially if you absolutely HATE taking showers after gym class (just the thought of showering at school makes me nauseous).

  It will totally be THEIR fault if I catch some kind of incurable disease from the slimy mold and mildew growing in those NASTY showers.

  WHY I HATE SHOWERING IN GYM CLASS!

  Me BEFORE showering…slightly sweaty but clean& fresh!

  Me AFTER showering…completely covered in stank, mildew, & slime!

  I was really surprised when Chloe and Zoey came up to me after gym class and started talking. Of course, I pretended like I was NOT teed off at them for running away from the ball and making me have to take a shower.

  Apparently, our librarian, Mrs. Peach, told them I was assigned to work with them in the library and they were actually EXCITED about it.

  Like WHAT is so exciting about shelving library books??!!

  But I just play
ed along and pretended to be as thrilled about it as they were.

  I was like, “OMG! OMG! I can’t believe we’re going to be shelving books together. How COOL is that?!”

  We ended up eating lunch together at table 9, and it was really nice NOT having to eat alone for once.

  Chloe’s full name is Chloe Christina Garcia, and her family owns a software company. It was amazing because she has read like ALL of the latest novels.

  She says she lives “vicariously” through the characters’ joys and heartbreaks and learns a lot of stuff about life, love, boys, and kissing, which she plans to use when she goes to high school next year.

  She said she owns 983 books and has read most of them twice.

  I was like, “WOW!”

  Zoey’s full name is Zoeysha Ebony Franklin, and her mom is an attorney and her dad is a record company executive. She has met practically ALL of the biggest pop stars.

  Zoey says she likes reading self-help and is currently seeking ways to “enhance” her relationship with the three “mother figures” in her life. She has a mom, a grandmother who helped raise her, and a stepmother.

  I was really sympathetic, since I know from personal experience that having only ONE “mother figure” in your life can be traumatic and psychologically damaging.

  Can you imagine having THREE?! OMG!

  Then Zoey said, “How can you stand having a locker next to MacKenzie’s? She is like so STUPID, she rubs lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind! And being really shallow can sometimes create multifaceted self-esteem issues.”

  I could NOT believe Zoey actually said that. I thought everyone at this school worshipped MacKenzie.

  We laughed so hard that chewed-up carrot bits shot right out of my nose!

  All three of us were like, EWWW! GROSS!

  Then Chloe snickered, “Hey! Carrot-flavored boogers! Let’s give them to MacKenzie so she can sprinkle them over her tofu salad as a low-carb topping. In the Clique series, those girls are forever doing evil stuff like that to their frenemies.”

  We laughed so loud at Chloe’s joke that the kids sitting at tables 6 and 8 started staring at us.

  I even saw MacKenzie glance our way. But then she looked away really fast so we wouldn’t make the huge mistake of believing she actually acknowledged our existence. I could tell she was wondering what was going on.

  So now I’m thinking about forgiving Chloe and Zoey for that whole shower FIASCO in gym class. I actually had a pretty good day today!

  !!

  FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

  I was pretty SICK and TIRED of hearing about MacKenzie and her STUPID little party! But since she is in my geometry class and I sit right behind her, I knew I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I was trying my best to ignore her when she turned around, smiled at me, and did the STRANGEST thing!

  She handed ME a bright pink invitation tied with a big white satin bow!

  I gasped and almost fell out of my chair.

  My brain was like

  OMG! OMG! OMG!

  It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, other than maybe that new iPhone I want.

  Who would have thought that I would get an invitation to THE party of the year?!

  Then it dawned on me that this might be some kind of really cruel JOKE.

  I looked around the room for a hidden camera, half expecting Ashton Kutcher (I can’t believe he’s married to a woman older than my mom) to jump out of the closet and yell…

  You just got PUNKED!!

  Then I realized that most of the other girls in my class were staring at me with envy and disbelief.

  It was really weird, because suddenly I noticed I had tiny lint balls all over my favorite hoodie.

  And it made me feel self-conscious, so I tried to pick a few of them off.

  None of MacKenzie’s friends would be caught dead in a not-from-the-mall hoodie with lint balls on it.

  So I made a mental note…

  BURN CURRENT WARDROBE!

  MacKenzie was still smiling at me like I was her new BFF or something.

  “Hey, hon! I was just wondering if you would—?”

  But I was SO excited, I jumped right in before she could even finish her sentence.

  “MacKenzie, I would LOVE to!” I gushed. “Thanks for asking me…hon!”

  Okay. So I actually called her “hon,” even though I always thought that word sounded superphony.

  And yes, I was totally GEEKED and as HAPPY as Vanessa Anne Hudgens when she found out she was NOT getting kicked off High School Musical 3!

  But mostly I was in SHOCK. I could hardly believe I was actually going to MacKenzie’s party! Soon I was going to have really cool friends and a social life. And maybe even highlights, a pierced belly button, and a boyfriend.

  I was starting to believe my That’s So Hot! magazine was right. Maybe the key to happiness really was friends, fun, fashion, and flirting!!

  ME, floating on air amid sunshine, rainbows, twinkling stars, and pink cotton-candy clouds, passionately clutching my invitation to MacKenzie’s party over my heart!!

  My hands were shaking as I untied the ribbon and tore open the envelope.

  Suddenly, MacKenzie narrowed her eyes at me and scowled like I was something smeared on the bottom of her shoe.

  “You IDIOT!” she hissed. “WHAT are you doing?!”

  “Umm, opening m-my invitation?” I stammered.

  I was already starting to have a really bad feeling about this whole party thing.

  “Like I would invite you?!” She sneered, flipping her blond tresses and batting her long lashes at me in disgust. “Aren’t you the new girl who hangs around my locker all the time like some kind of creepy stalker?”

  “Well, yes…I mean, NO! Actually, my locker is right next to yours,” I muttered.

  “Are you sure?” she said, looking me up and down like I was lying to her or something. I couldn’t believe she was actually pretending like she didn’t know me. I’ve only had a locker next to hers like FOREVER!

  “I’m VERY sure!” I said.

  Then MacKenzie took out her Krazy Kissalicious lip gloss and applied like three extra-thick layers. After gazing at herself in her little compact mirror for two whole minutes (she is SO STUCK on herself!), she snapped it shut and glared at me.

  “Before you so RUDELY interrupted me, I was simply asking if you would PASS my invitation to JESSICA! How was I supposed to know you were going to rip it open like some uncivilized GORILLA?” Mackenzie spat.

  Then everyone in the class turned around and stared at me.

  I could NOT believe my ears! How dare that girl actually call me UNCIVILIZED!!

  “Oh. Okay. MY BAD!” I said, trying to sound coolly nonchalant about the whole thing while blinking back tears. “Um, who’s Jessica?”

  Suddenly I felt a sharp tap on my shoulder.

  I turned around to face the girl sitting in the desk behind me.

  She had long blond hair and was wearing pink, glittery lip gloss, a pink sweater, a pink miniskirt, and a headband trimmed with fake pink diamonds.

  If I had spotted her in

  Toys “R” Us, I swear I would have probably mistaken her for a new fashion doll:

  “TOTALLY TICKED-OFF” JESSICA

  “I’m Jessica,” she announced, rolling her eyes at me. “I can’t believe you opened MY invitation!”

  I was desperately trying to tie the satin ribbon back on when she snatched the invitation from my hand so violently, I almost got a paper cut.

  I felt like a TOTAL RETARD! And, to make matters worse, I heard a few of the kids around me snickering.

  This was absolutely THE most EMBARRASSING moment of my PATHETIC little life!!

  And I had no doubt that, in just a matter of minutes, everyone in the ENTIRE school was going to be text-messaging gossip about me.

  I was relieved when our math teacher, Mrs. Sprague, finally started class.

  She spent the entire hour at the bo
ard reviewing how to calculate the volume of a cylinder, sphere, and cone for our upcoming test.

  HOW TO CALCULATE VOLUME

  But I was too freaked out to concentrate on math formulas and was totally NOT listening. I just sat there staring at the back of MacKenzie’s head, wishing I could disappear.

  I guess I must have been really upset, because a tear rolled down my cheek and splattered my geometry notebook.