Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Read online

The Easter Bunny Chloe, Zoey, and I just stared at the ground.

  Hey, I may be a coward, but at least I’m an HONEST one. I felt morally obligated to tell MacKenzie the truth.

  “We . . . um . . . were sort of in the middle of toilet-papering y-your house,” I stammered.

  “You were WHAT?!” MacKenzie turned around and finally noticed the streamers of toilet paper dangling from her trees. “No way! Nikki, I can’t believe you would actually—”

  “It’s NOT her fault. It was MY idea,” Zoey said in my defense. “I dared her to do it.”

  “Yeah, but the Truth or Dare game was MY idea,” Chloe said, hanging her head. “That makes ME totally responsible.”

  “Come on! Do you REALLY think I’m STUPID enough to actually believe you naive little dorks could pull off a majorly deviant prank like this?” MacKenzie sneered.

  Our mouths dropped open in shock.

  “Um . . . YES! We think you’re STUPID! And NO! We’re NOT so naive that we couldn’t pull off a prank like this,” I shot back.

  “Yeah, right! You can’t even LIE convincingly,” MacKenzie scoffed.

  Then she gave us the evil eye, like we were something her poodle had just left on the sidewalk.

  MACKENZIE, GIVING US THE EVIL EYE

  That’s when it dawned on me that she didn’t believe a single word we were saying. I was . . . FLABBERGASTED!

  “Obviously, some really cute guys did this to get my attention! Boys are SO obsessed with me.”

  MacKenzie giggled and batted her eyes like she was flirting with some invisible crush only she could see.

  “Hmmm . . . I bet it was Brady and some of the football jocks. Or maybe Theodore and his nerdy band members . . . . ”

  Then she put her hands over her heart and swooned.

  “OMG! I think I know who did it! BRANDON!!” she squealed. “Nikki, you must be SO jealous that he toilet-papered MY house and not YOURS! Eat your heart out, hon!”

  “MacKenzie, I have seven words for you. YouNeedToGetAClue.com!” I said, staring right into her beady little eyes. “But since we made this mess in your yard, I guess it’s only fair that we clean it up.”

  Suddenly she narrowed her eyes at me.

  “You came over here in the middle of the night to clean up the toilet paper in MY yard?! But WHY? I bet you didn’t want me to see it. Then I would never know that Brandon is CRUSHING on me! Is that it?”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “No, MacKenzie! Brandon had nothing to do with—”

  “You’re LYING! It’s MY toilet paper! So don’t even think about touching it! If Brandon went to all this trouble, he must REALLY like me. And that’s why you’re hanging around here trying to UNDERMINE my love life!”

  ME?!! Undermine HER love life??!!

  SORRY! But I’m WAY too busy undermining my OWN love life. Which is why I don’t have one.

  MacKenzie thinks the whole world revolves around her, and I wanted to burst her little bubble SO badly. But talking to a SNOBBY AIRHEAD like her is a lot like eating a can of SARDINES . . . .

  POINTLESS and NAUSEATING!

  “Whatever, MacKenzie!” I sighed. “Believe what you want. We toilet-papered your house! We’re TIRED!! And we’re going HOME!!”

  Chloe, Zoey, and I picked up the empty cardboard toilet paper rolls strewn across the yard and headed toward the sidewalk.

  Hey, we were vandals, but we WEREN’T litterbugs!

  “PUT THOSE BACK! THEY’RE MINE!” MacKenzie screeched. “Or I’ll call the cops! It’s illegal to take stuff from private property. LOSERS!”

  Chloe, Zoey, and I froze and looked at each other in disbelief. Then we tossed the cardboard toilet paper rolls BACK into her yard.

  It was pure INSANITY!

  “Oh! And by the way . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” MacKenzie chirped, all happy and friendlylike.

  Did I mention that girl is SCHIZOID?

  We walked back to Zoey’s house in complete silence. The entire experience was just . . . SURREAL!

  Suddenly Chloe started to snicker. Then Zoey caught the giggles. Finally I did too. We were laughing so hard we were practically staggering down the sidewalk.

  “Thank goodness MacKenzie didn’t believe us. Otherwise, she’d probably be burying our dead bodies in her backyard,” I chuckled.

  “Hey! We tried to tell her the truth. But her ego is so huge it has stretch marks.” Zoey snorted.

  In spite of everything, I think my BFFs and I learned two very valuable life lessons that night.

  1. Revenge is NOT the answer, and

  2. No one can make a complete FOOL out of MacKenzie better than . . . MACKENZIE!

  The Great Toilet Paper Caper was an epic FAIL!

  But personally, I’m just happy we made it out of there alive.

  It looks like my new year is off to a really good start!

  !!

  SATURDAY, JANUARY 4

  Guess what I got in the mail today?!

  An invitation to . . .

  BRANDON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!

  SQUEEEEEEE !!

  I was so happy I did my Snoopy “happy dance.”

  Brandon’s birthday party is on Friday, January 31, and I can hardly wait!

  Chloe, Zoey, and I are invited, but MacKenzie isn’t. I have to admit, I feel a little sorry for her .

  NOT!! Too bad, MacKenzie !

  She was SO SUPERjealous about Brandon’s party that she actually tried to HYPNOTIZE him into giving her an invitation by smiling, batting her eyes, and twirling her hair. But it didn’t work.

  Anyway, I don’t have the slightest idea what I’m going to get Brandon for his birthday. But at least I have enough money saved up to get him something nice.

  I was thinking about taking him out to dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant. And we could share a romantic plate of spaghetti like in my favorite Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp. SQUEEE!

  Speaking of restaurants, Brianna and I went to this brand-new place in the mall called Crazy Burger. They make these HUGE gourmet burgers that are supposed to be delicious.

  However, after placing my order, I wasn’t so sure the food was all that healthy. . . .

  I wanted to say, Um . . . NEVER MIND!

  But I was absolutely STARVING!

  I was SO hungry I could have eaten that foam-rubber burger right off the top of his ridiculously tacky hat.

  Plastic googly eyes and all.

  And get this. Those ridiculous hats were for sale for $7.99. But WHO in their right mind would even buy one of those things?!

  Anyway, that burger was superyummy and juicy. Brianna loved hers too.

  Hey! Maybe Brandon and I could have a fancy, candlelight dinner at Crazy Burger for his birthday!

  NOT!

  !!

  SUNDAY, JANUARY 5

  Today I received some exciting news from Trevor Chase, the producer of the hit television show 15 Minutes of Fame and the judge of the Westchester Country Day Talent Showcase.

  Back in November, I put together a band called Actually, I’m Not Really Sure Yet. And yes! I know it’s the craziest band name ever. We were supposed to be called Dorkalicious. But MacKenzie stuck her big nose in my personal business and pretty much messed up everything.

  Her dance group won the WCD Talent Showcase and a chance to audition for the TV show.

  But Trevor was so impressed with MY band that he asked us to record an original song that we’d written called “Dorks Rule!”

  Can you believe THAT?

  Anyway, I was just hanging out in my bedroom writing in my diary when I finally got the follow-up call that he’d promised . . . .

  I called Chloe, Zoey, Brandon, Violet, and Theo and gave them the fantastic news! We decided our band would start practicing again the week before Mr. Chase was scheduled to arrive.

  OMG! Wouldn’t it be great if we went on tour and opened for Lady Gaga or One Direction?! We could take this music thing and run with it.

  Just imagine what our lives would be like if
we became pop stars. We’d be on the covers of all the teen magazines and maybe even have our own really cute-smelling perfume.

  The best part is that Brandon and I could star in a blockbuster movie called Middle School Musical. About two dorks in LOVE! SQUEEEEE!!

  I smell an Academy Award for Best Movie!

  Hey, it could happen. Eat your heart out, MacKenzie!

  !!

  MONDAY, JANUARY 6

  Today was the first day of school after our two-week winter break.

  I have to admit, I was NOT looking forward to seeing MacKenzie.

  I guess I was just SUPERworried about Chloe, Zoey, and me getting in trouble for toilet-papering her house.

  Would our parents be called to the school?

  Would we get detention?

  Would we be suspended?

  Would we be arrested?

  However, I would have gladly chosen ANY of these horrible outcomes over listening to MacKenzie BLAB on and on and on about her nonexistent SECRET ADMIRER . . . !!!

  That girl was all up in my face like bad breath.

  “MacKenzie, I already apologized and offered to clean up everything. But as I explained before, Chloe, Zoey, and I were just goofing around.”

  “You liar! You’re just jealous because Brandon is my secret admirer! Sorry, but he likes ME and not YOU! It’s not MY fault your face looks like it caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork!”

  “Well, it’s not MY fault you’re such an AIRHEAD that if you open your mouth I can hear the ocean!” I shot back.

  “I’m warning you, Maxwell. Just back off!! Or you’ll be sorry. You don’t belong at this school anyway.”

  When MacKenzie said those words, a cold chill ran down my spine. But she was absolutely right!

  I DIDN’T belong at her school. Unfortunately, I was attending on a bug extermination scholarship that my dad had arranged.

  MacKenzie is the ONLY student who knows my embarrassing secret. And if the other students find out, I am going to just . . . crawl into . . . my locker and . . . DIE!

  MacKenzie gave me a big smile as she hurled one final insult.

  “Oh, by the way, I LOVE what you did with your hair today. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?”

  Then she slammed her locker shut and sashayed away. I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays.

  By lunchtime the whole school was gossiping that Brandon was crushing on MacKenzie.

  The story was that he had spent an entire hour toilet-papering her yard as a practical joke to get her attention. Then he’d left a dozen roses and a box of Godiva chocolates at her front door, rung her doorbell, and run away. Nikki Maxwell was SO jealous that she had showed up in the middle of the night with her BFFs to try and take down the toilet paper so she could ruin MacKenzie’s surprise.

  OMG! That entire story was SO ridiculous, I was pretty sure no one would believe it. Besides, MacKenzie had no proof WHATSOEVER . . . .

  Except her 8 × 10 framed photograph of it all!

  She was so proud, she’d actually taken a picture of her yard with her cell phone. I heard she had even posted it online!

  And during lunch, all the CCP girls were crowded around and swooning over her photo like it was a baby picture of Justin Bieber or somebody.

  But I was more worried about Brandon than anyone. He had enough stuff going on in his life without MacKenzie and me creating additional drama.

  I just hope all of this idle gossip won’t damage our friendship.

  Although, I have a really bad feeling that damaging our friendship is EXACTLY what MacKenzie is trying to do.

  !!

  TUESDAY, JANUARY 7

  AAAAAAAAAAHH!

  (That was me screaming!)

  Right now I’m having a complete meltdown!

  WHY?

  Because when I went to breakfast this morning, I saw a strange man in a fancy business suit standing in our kitchen.

  And get this!

  My mom handed him a cup of coffee and then gave him a big, fat kiss.

  Right on the lips!

  I was about to scream, “MOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU’RE MARRIED TO DAD!!”

  But then I realized the man WAS my dad!

  I have to admit, he cleans up really nicely.

  “Dad, you look great! What’s the occasion?” I asked as I took a huge bite of my strawberry Pop-Tart.

  “Well, dear, due to Maxwell’s Bug Extermination’s great reputation, I just might have an exciting new business opportunity.” Dad beamed proudly.

  Hey, I didn’t want to rain on his parade, but the guy rides around town with a six-foot plastic roach on top of his van.

  I mean, just how GOOD could his rep actually be?!

  I’m just sayin’!

  He continued, “I have a meeting this morning with the owner of the most successful property management company in the city, Hollister Holdings, Inc.”

  At first I just stared at my dad with my eyes practically bulging out of my head.

  Then I choked and sputtered . . . .

  It felt like a huge chunk of pastry had gotten stuck inside my throat. Or maybe pure dread and a massively severe anxiety attack were choking off my breathing.

  “Yep! I’ll be meeting with Marshall Hollister. Your mom says his daughter goes to your school and she’s a really good friend of yours.”

  Suddenly I felt really light-headed, and the room started to spin!

  “But, Dad! How do you know it’s a business meeting? Maybe he wants to talk to you about something else, like . . . um, I don’t know! Something kind of surprising or shocking, that could involve lots of, you know, um . . . toilet paper . . . and trees . . . ”

  “HUH?!” Dad looked at me, totally perplexed. “I don’t even KNOW this guy. What ELSE would Moneybags Marshall want to talk to me about but a business deal?”

  “I—I don’t have the slightest idea!” I stammered.

  That’s when I looked deep into my father’s eyes and desperately pleaded with him:

  “DAD! PLEASE! DON’T GO TO THAT MEETING! I HAVE A REALLY BAD FEELING ABOUT IT! IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME, YOU WON’T GO! PLEASE, PROMISE ME!”

  But he must have thought I was just joking around or something, because he chuckled and kissed my forehead.

  “Boy! You and your mother are more nervous about this meeting than I am. But don’t worry, I’m a shrewd and savage shark when it comes to business. I’m TOTALLY in control. Just call me MR. BIZ!”

  “Well, Mr. Biz!” My mom giggled. “Your tie is floating in your coffee and you have grape jelly in your mustache. I think a shrewd and savage shark needs to run upstairs to wash his face and change his tie!”

  Dad fished his tie out of his coffee and stared at it in total disgust.

  “Aww, shucks! This is my really pretty POWER tie! Now it’s RUINED!” he whined like a five-year-old.

  MY DAD, THE SHREWD AND SAVAGE BUSINESS SHARK

  It was quite obvious! MacKenzie had finally ratted on me, and now HER dad wanted to talk to MY dad.

  Which means at some point in the immediate future, my parents are going to KILL ME!!

  I was torn as to whether I should pack my suitcase and sneak away to become a teenage bag lady BEFORE or AFTER school.

  But the least I could do was try to warn my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey, that MacKenzie’s dad was probably going to be contacting THEIR parents next.

  So it’s settled.

  I’ll run away AFTER school.

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8

  WHAT in the world is going on around here?!

  MacKenzie has been superNICE to me for the past two days!

  And even though HER dad had that meeting with MY dad yesterday, she’s STILL bragging to everyone that Brandon toilet-papered her house.

  Which makes no sense WHATSOEVER!

  And weirder yet, my dad and mom haven’t uttered a single word about me being . . .

  1. in REALLY BIG TROUBLE,

 
2. a MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT to them, or

  3. a POOR ROLE MODEL FOR MY YOUNGER SISTER, BRIANNA

  . . . and it’s driving me completely NUTS!

  I started thinking they were using some kind of Dr. Phil–inspired “parental reverse psychology” thing on me as punishment. Just to watch me squirm.

  Because, I swear, I’m feeling so NERVOUS and so GUILTY right now I’m ready to confess what I did, give myself a stern lecture, take away all of my own privileges, and then ground MYSELF for the rest of the year.

  But as soon as I got home from school today, it all started to make sense.

  My dad was out in the front yard with all of this fancy new high-tech extermination equipment.

  OMG! He had an X-14 Bug-B-Gone Power Sprayer with twenty-four assorted EZ Snap-on Nozzle Tips, a BreatheMore Ventilated Face Mask, a PowerPack UltraLight Double Canister Backpack, and a poly-cotton-blend blue designer uniform by Tommy Hilfiger.

  Dad had filled the sprayer with water and was playing with it like a little boy trying out a new Super Soaker squirt gun or something.

  However, the thing that totally freaked me out was NOT the shiny new blue van parked nearby, but the company NAME plastered across it . . . .

  That’s when I realized my dad had pretty much sold his soul to the devil!

  As far as I was concerned, the Maxwell family was now OWNED by the Hollister family.

  Dad waved at me and smiled. “Hi, honey! How was school today?”

  “Horrible! Dad, where did you get all of this new stuff?”

  “Oh, it’s not mine. Yet, anyway. That meeting with Marshall Hollister yesterday went really well. He owns seven apartment complexes and four office buildings and plans to expand this year. His pest-control technician just retired and he wants me to stand in for a few weeks until he finds a new guy and trains—”

  “So it’s just temporary?!” I interrupted. “Thank goodness!” I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders.

  “Marshall said he’s heard good things about my extermination work at your school from his daughter. And he says she HATES everyone. Even him!” Dad chuckled.