Tales From a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All Read online

  (NO SNOOPING ALLOWED!!! )

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Wednesday, January 1

  Thursday, January 2

  Friday, January 3

  Saturday, January 4

  Sunday, January 5

  Monday, January 6

  Tuesday, January 7

  Wednesday, January 8

  Thursday, January 9

  Friday, January 10

  Saturday, January 11

  Sunday, January 12

  Monday, January 13

  Tuesday, January 14

  Wednesday, January 15

  Thursday, January 16

  Friday, January 17

  Saturday, January 18

  Sunday, January 19

  Monday, January 20

  Tuesday, January 21

  Wednesday, January 22

  Thursday, January 23

  Friday, January 24

  Saturday, January 25

  Sunday, January 26

  Monday, January 27

  Tuesday, January 28

  Wednesday, January 29

  Thursday, January 30

  Friday, January 31

  About Rachel Renée Russell

  To my wonderful sisters and BFFs,

  Damita and Kimberly.

  Thank you for being my real-life Chloe and Zoey! I’m proud (and very lucky) to be your big sister.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To all my Dork Diaries fans—thank you for loving this book series as much as I do. The real Nikki Maxwell is actually YOU! Stay sweet and smart and always remember to let your inner DORK shine through.

  Liesa Abrams, the nicest, coolest, dorkiest (is that a word?) editor in the entire world. No matter how crazy things get, you’re forever the calm voice of reason and a bright ray of sunshine. I ALWAYS look forward to working with you (and your two inner tweens). You’re an author’s dream!

  Lisa Vega, my tireless and supertalented art director. You never cease to amaze me with your snazzy layouts and dorkalicious covers. And I STILL love your ice skates. Nikki Maxwell says she would LOVE to be your summer student intern !

  Mara Anastas, Carolyn Swerdloff, Matt Pantoliano, Katherine Devendorf, Paul Crichton, Fiona Simpson, Bethany Buck, Alyson Heller, Lauren Forte, Karin Paprocki, Julie Christopher, Lucille Rettino, Mary Marotta and the entire sales team, and everyone at Aladdin/Simon & Schuster. Thank you for making this series the huge success that it is. What you have accomplished is quite mind-blowing.

  Daniel Lazar, my awesome agent at Writers House, who NEVER sleeps! Thank you for going above and beyond your duties at every turn. I adore your wicked sense of humor and endless enthusiasm for all things dorky. To put it simply . . . You ROCK! Also, a special thank-you to Torie for keeping us superorganized and sending me fabulous mail.

  Maja Nikolic, Cecilia de la Campa, and Angharad Kowal, my foreign rights agents at Writers House, for making Dork Diaries books available to children across the globe. I say “thank you” in thirty-two languages (so far)!

  Nikki Russell, my supertalented assistant artist, and Erin Russell, my supertalented assistant writer. I really cherish the time we all spend together creating our wacky Dork Diaries world. You make writing these books so much FUN that it almost doesn’t seem like work. Hugs, kisses, and lots of love from Mom!

  Sydney James, Cori James, Presli James, Arianna Robinson, and Mikayla Robinson, my nieces, for being brutal critique partners and willing to work for a weekend-long pajama party with endless junk food.

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1

  OMG! I CANNOT believe I’m actually going to go through with this!

  It’s supposed to be just a little prank. But I have to admit, I’m a little worried. I really need to think about the consequences of my actions.

  Because if something goes wrong, there’s a chance SOMEONE could actually end up . . . DEAD!

  YES, that’s correct. DEAD !!

  Namely . . . ME! Because if my parents find out about this stupid stunt I’m planning to pull, they’re going to KILL me!

  It all started when Chloe, Zoey, and I decided to have a sleepover during our winter break from school.

  We excitedly counted down the seconds to midnight . . . . “TEN . . . NINE . . . EIGHT . . . SEVEN . . . SIX . . . FIVE . . . FOUR . . . THREE . . . TWO . . . ONE . . . ”

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND I CELEBRATE!!

  I was really looking forward to a brand-new year. Mainly because last year was filled with SO much drama.

  What better way to start things off than with me and my two BFFs having a WILD and CRAZY New Year’s Eve pajama party at Zoey’s house?

  We pigged out on pizza, double-chocolate cupcakes, M&M’s, and ice-cream sundaes, and then washed it all down with soda.

  Soon we were giggling hysterically and bouncing off the walls from a major sugar buzz.

  We were having WAAAY too much FUN painting our nails funky colors and playing TRUTH OR DARE to watch some lame disco-ball thingy drop in Times Square on TV.

  “Zoey! Truth or dare?” Chloe asked, locking her eyes on Zoey with an eager grin.

  “Truth!” she answered.

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND ME, EATING JUNK FOOD AND PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE

  “I have a really good one!” Chloe squealed. “It’s SOOO romantic and from my FAVE book! Okay, who would you rather kiss, Deadly Doodle Dude or Hunk Finn?!”

  “Oh! That’s easy!” Zoey giggled. “I pick Hunk Finn. He’s the sensitive artist type and supercute.”

  “Yeah, but Deadly Doodle Dude is so . . . morbidly . . . beautiful and intensely . . . doodley,” Chloe gushed.

  That’s when I almost choked on my pizza.

  I know my BFF is a hopeless romantic, and I love her to death. But sometimes I worry that her TEETH might be BRIGHTER than SHE is.

  Crushing on a DOODLEY guy is just so . . . WRONG!

  I mean, is that even a REAL word?!

  If I was going to create the perfect guy, he would be KIND, have a good sense of HUMOR, and be adorably CUTE (just like my crush, Brandon). . . .

  ME, MIXING UP THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE MY DREAM GUY

  “Your turn, Nikki,” Zoey said, and turned to me. “Truth or dare?”

  “Oooh! I have a really good one!” Chloe exclaimed.

  A wicked grin spread across her face as she whispered in Zoey’s ear.

  Zoey’s eyes got as big as saucers. “OMG, Chloe! Nikki is going to DIE if we ask her that!” she shrieked through her giggles.

  I scrunched up my face and nervously chewed my lip.

  Answering a truth about a fictional guy was fun and exciting.

  But answering one about a REAL guy could be totally EMBARRASSING.

  And I was hoping to AVOID discussing ONE guy in particular, if you know what I mean.

  Which meant I didn’t have a choice.

  “DARE! Nobody’s been brave enough to try a dare, so I’ll do one. Give me your hardest!” I challenged Zoey.

  She tapped her chin, in deep thought.

  Then suddenly a sly smirk appeared on her face. “Are you SURE about that, Nikki? Requesting a truth might be A LOT easier.”

  “Or maybe NOT!” Chloe said smugly.

  “Yes, I’m sure. DARE!” I blurted. “Bring it!”

  Sometimes I really wish my brain worked faster than my big, fat mouth.

  Because it was quite obvious that Chloe and Zoey were up to some mischievous, evil-genius stuff!

  But there was just NO WAY I was going to voluntarily SPILL MY GUTS about Brandon in a game.

  Until I heard Zoey’s dare. . . .

  I just stared at Zoey and gasped. I couldn’t believe my ea
rs.

  “OMG!” Chloe exclaimed. “That’s so dangerous and sneaky . . . and totally the BEST dare ever!! You GOTTA do it, Nikki!”

  I immediately broke into a cold sweat.

  “I d-don’t know, guys!” I stammered. “I mean, what if I get caught?! I could get in really big trouble! I guess I’m just a big . . . CHICKEN! Sorry to ruin all of the fun.”

  “Don’t feel bad, Nikki. I gave you a supercrazy dare. Only the CCP (Cute, Cool & Popular) kids do stuff like that. Chloe and I are chickens too!” Zoey admitted.

  “I KNOW that’s right! Buck! Buck! Buck-aah!” Chloe clucked.

  I think Chloe and Zoey said those things just to make ME feel better about NOT doing that dare. They’re definitely the BEST friends EVER!

  To vent our frustration, we played the “Chicken Dance” song and danced and clucked for nine minutes . . . .

  CHICKENS “R” US

  Afterward, we just sat there staring at each other, wishing our lives were a lot more—I don’t know—EXCITING or something.

  It was strange because the more I thought about all of the mean stuff MacKenzie had done to us, the more TICKED OFF I got.

  There’s only so much public humiliation, vicious teasing, malicious gossip, ruthless sabotage, and mean-girl backstabbing that a person can take.

  I’d had quite enough of people who went out of their way to make my life totally miserable.

  “People” being snobby, shallow, evil girls like, um . . . MACKENZIE HOLLISTER!!

  Calling her a “mean girl” is an understatement. She’s a DOBERMAN in lip gloss and designer jeans. And for some reason, she HATES MY GUTS!

  MacKenzie having to clean up a few rolls of toilet paper is NOTHING compared to the very long list of horribly rotten things she’s done to US.

  And she’s hurt other people too. It was HER fault Brandon almost moved to Florida.

  “You know what, guys? I’m STILL pretty angry about MacKenzie locking us in that storage closet right before we were supposed to skate in the Holiday on Ice show!” I fumed.

  “Yeah! If she’d had her way, we’d still be in there!” Chloe griped. “Until someone found our skeletons!”

  ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY, NOT LOOKING VERY CUTE AFTER BEING LOCKED IN THAT STORAGE CLOSET FOR THREE VERY LONG YEARS!!

  “You’re right! And THAT was the last straw! I’ve changed my mind about the dare. I’m going to do it! But only if you guys come with me,” I announced.

  “We’ve got your back, girlfriend!” Zoey said. “This isn’t a dare anymore! It’s PAYBACK! I’ll get the toilet paper!”

  So right now I’m locked in Zoey’s bathroom, writing all of this in my diary.

  And instead of doing the sleeping part of our sleepover, we’re secretly planning the Great Toilet Paper Caper.

  The good news is Miss Thang (also known as MacKenzie) is FINALLY going to get just what SHE deserves !!

  The BAD news is IF my parents ever find out about this, I’M going to be DEAD MEAT!

  I can’t believe it’s only thirty-seven minutes into the new year and I’m already FREAKING OUT.

  One thing is very clear.

  THIS year is going to have WAAAAAAY more DRAMA than LAST year.

  !!

  THURSDAY, JANUARY 2

  Have you ever had a REALLY bad feeling about something?

  And inside your head a little voice is screaming, “NOOOOOOOO! Stop! Don’t do it!”

  Well, that little voice was warning ME that our Great Toilet Paper Caper was going to be a complete and utter

  DISASTER!!

  But did I listen? Of course not!

  Although, I have to admit, part of me wanted to just call the whole thing off.

  Sneaking out into the cold, dark night to wreak havoc on the world sounded exciting. But we could have had just as much fun staying inside doing all of the normal sleepover stuff.

  You know, stuff like . . .

  Crawling into my warm and cozy sleeping bag and PRETENDING to be asleep.

  While my BFFs giggle uncontrollably and pour water on my hand to try and make me pee my pants.

  Stealing Chloe’s overnight bag and raiding Zoey’s underwear drawer while they’re both busy brushing their teeth.

  Then secretly stuffing everything in the freezer.

  Taking turns SCARING ourselves to death by telling superSPOOKY stories in the dark by flashlight.

  But another part of me—a very dark and primitive side—wanted DESPERATELY to get even with MacKenzie.

  The thought of being a teen rebel with a cause seemed so COOL. At the time, anyway.

  Although I’d been to MacKenzie’s house before, purely by accident (OMG! THAT’S a long and gut-wrenching story!), I didn’t realize she lived only a few doors down from Zoey.

  I felt a little better about the whole thing knowing we didn’t have to walk very far in the dark.

  Zoey and I found flashlights and gathered up rolls of toilet paper.

  But Chloe was no help whatsoever.

  She just sat in front of the mirror humming “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” while making up her face to look like a bunny.

  “Um . . . Chloe . . . ” I gawked at her in confusion. “You realize we’re not going to a costume party, right?”

  “Hey! I know what I’m doing,” she assured me. “If we get caught, do you think the cops will arrest an adorable little bunny and throw her in jail? Of course not! But I’ll definitely come and visit you and Zoey in the slammer.”

  Okay! NOW I was starting to get a little worried.

  As we trudged through the snow to MacKenzie’s house, it was pitch-dark and eerily quiet. All we could hear was the crunching of the snow underfoot and our heavy breathing.

  I had to resist the urge to turn around and run screaming back to my warm and safe sleeping bag.

  Finally we reached MacKenzie’s house, and it was just like I had remembered.

  GINORMOUS!!

  Suddenly my stomach felt superqueasy.

  Only, I didn’t know if it was all the junk food I’d eaten earlier that night, OR the fact that I was very close to finally getting a meet-’n’-greet with some of my favorite rap artists who were doing time in prison.

  As a fellow INMATE !! YIKES!!

  “Come on! Let’s get this done before somebody sees us,” I whisper-shouted.

  Zoey took six rolls of toilet paper out of her backpack and tossed them to Chloe and me.

  Chloe and Zoey ran toward a huge tree on the left, and I ran toward one on the right.

  Then we frantically tossed the toilet paper over the branches until the two trees looked like towering twenty-foot mummies.

  OMG! It was such a RUSH!! . . .

  It was the most FUN we’ve had together since . . . um, yesterday.

  Suddenly the porch light flicked on !!

  “OH, CRUD! Someone’s coming outside!” I shouted. “HIDE!!”

  We quickly dove into some nearby bushes and then cautiously peeked out.

  The front door opened, and we saw a figure walk down the sidewalk.

  “Hurry up and go potty already, Fifi! It’s freezing out here!” said a very familiar voice.

  It was MACKENZIE !!

  OH, CRUD! I’m going to have to finish writing this diary entry later. I’m trying to vent about some VERY personal and private stuff and my MOM just barged into my bedroom without even knocking!

  She said that for Family Sharing Time, we’re all going with Brianna to see the latest Princess Sugar Plum movie.

  And then we’re having dinner at Queasy Cheesy.

  AGGGGHHHHHH! SPLAT!!

  That was me BARFING!

  I don’t know which I HATE more, Princess Sugar Plum movies or Queasy Cheesy!

  I guess I’m STILL traumatized by that time MacKenzie videotaped Brianna and me dancing at Queasy Cheesy and put it on YouTube.

  Gotta STOP writing in my diary even though I don’t want to!!

  TO BE CONTINUED . . .

  FRIDAY, JANUA
RY 3

  So, where was I before I was so RUDELY interrupted (tapping chin, trying to remember)?

  Oh! Right in the middle of the Great Toilet Paper Caper!

  “Hurry up and go potty already, Fifi! It’s freezing out here!” MacKenzie complained to her poodle.

  Although her humongous yard had more landscaping than a city park, that stupid dog decided to PIDDLE on EXACTLY the same BUSH we were hiding in.

  OMG! We didn’t move a muscle. We didn’t even dare breathe!

  “What’s wrong, Fifi? There’s nothing there but bushes. Let’s go back inside now.”

  We breathed a collective sigh of relief. WHEW!

  Then, without warning, Fifi darted under the bushes and lunged at us, barking like a rabid pit bull.

  “Bark, bark, bark! Bark-bark! Bark! Bark-bark!”

  “AAAAAAAAAHHH!” we screamed as we fell over each other trying to scramble out of the bushes.

  Of course, we scared the juice out of MacKenzie. She gaped in horror and screamed even louder than us. “AAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

  Realizing that MacKenzie had actually seen our faces, we just clung to each other and screamed louder. “AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

  Which freaked MacKenzie out even more and made her scream louder yet. “AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”

  All of that barking, freaking, and screaming in the bushes went on for what seemed like FOREVER.

  “NIKKI?! CHLOE?! ZOEY?!” MacKenzie finally sputtered. “OMG! You guys nearly scared me to death! WHAT are you doing out here in the middle of the night?!”

  “Um, would you believe we were taking a little walk and got lost in your bushes?” I asked.

  “NO! I wouldn’t!” she said, folding her arms and glaring at us.

  “I didn’t think so . . . ,” I muttered. “Well, it was nice chatting with you. But we really must be going—”

  “Not so fast! YOU have some explaining to do. WHY are you snooping around my house? And WHY is the Easter Bunny here on New Year’s Day?!”