The Book of the Year Read online

  It wasn’t the only British navy ship to experience problems this year. In February it was revealed that the Royal Navy’s new Type 45 destroyers are so noisy that enemy submarines can hear them from 100 miles away. Rear Admiral Chris Parry said crews had ‘put little wooden wedges between the hatchclips and the hatches in my destroyer to stop them rattling so we could keep the noise down’.*

  The Russian navy had its share of problems, too. The Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier, which travelled through the English Channel in January, could be seen from 40 miles away, thanks to the black smoke which billowed out of it as it sailed. Half of its toilets don’t work, and it needs to be towed by a tug wherever it goes.

  For more sailors receiving dubious tugs, see Fat Leonard.

  QUEEN ELIZABETH II▶

  For anti-forgery codes on her face, see Coins; for not wearing a seat belt, see Queen’s Speech; and for being beaten with a large vegetable, see Vanuatu.

  QUEEN’S SPEECH▶

  The Queen’s Speech was delayed by two days while everyone waited for the ink to dry.

  The Queen’s Speech – the official ceremony in which the Sovereign reads out the laws Parliament hopes to pass – was delayed this year. Some people said it was because the Conservatives were taking a long time to reach a power-sharing agreement with the DUP. According to government sources, though, the delay was also due to the fact that it would take several days for the speech to dry on the special goatskin parchment paper used for it.

  According to an expert, this wasn’t the goatskin’s fault. Paul Wright of William Cowley Parchment Works said that the problem lay with the ink being used, and that if the government had known what they were doing they could have had it dry and ready in ten minutes flat.

  The Queen can’t have been best pleased by the two-day delay, as it meant she missed the second morning of her beloved Royal Ascot. Fortunately, a helicopter was on standby to whisk her away to the afternoon’s horse racing.

  Curiously, the ‘goatskin parchment paper’ the Queen’s Speech gets written on doesn’t actually contain any goat. It used to and it even has a watermark in the shape of a goat, but these days it’s just made of high-quality paper. Unlike the Queen’s Speech, the actual laws passed by Parliament were printed on genuine vellum (i.e. real animal skin) until this year, but from now on will be printed on paper. MPs voted to keep vellum (which lasts centuries longer), but bowed to cost-cutting pressure from the House of Lords. Tory MP Ian Liddell-Grainger said this was a short-sighted move, and that ‘in a thousand years’ time people will ask, “What did they do in March 2017?”’

  An unknown prankster phoned 999 to report the Queen to West Yorkshire Police for not wearing a seat belt in the car on her way to deliver the speech. As West Yorkshire Police wrote on Twitter, this was not only #Not999, it was #NotEvenWestYorkshire.

  QUEENSLAND▶

  Queensland police successfully lowered crime rates by asking victims to stop reporting crimes.

  The shocking discovery was made by the Queensland Audit Office, which discovered that 22 per cent of all the Police Service’s reports from 2011 to 2016 were incomplete, inaccurate, or both.

  Queensland police were ‘fudging’ their reports in response to mounting pressure from the government to get crime rates down. They adopted various tactics: crime data was not logged properly; ‘unsolved’ cases were recorded as ‘unfounded’; others were labelled ‘Solved – bar to prosecution’; and officers asked victims to withdraw accusations. They even sent out letters stating that if victims did not respond within seven days it would be assumed that they didn’t want to take any further action. Measures are now being put into place to address these issues.

  Australia also discovered this year that its most criminal name is Leon. Law firm Go To Court looked at over 25,000 crimes drawn from a database of publicly accessible records and cross-referenced them against a list of Australia’s most popular names over the past 90 years. The final list consists of 500 names, with Leon coming out on top. Others include Andrew (186), Hunter (466) and Murray (76).

  QUEUEING▶

  British people queue according to unwritten rules (which are written below).

  A study by University College London found that Brits queue for an average of six minutes (or five minutes and 54 seconds, to be precise) before giving up; that they are reluctant to join a queue if it has more than six people already in it; and that 6 inches is the minimum amount of space they’re comfortable having between them and the other queuers.

  UCL summarised all this as ‘the rule of six’ while acknowledging that there’s great variety according to the type of queue involved. People will wait longer for concert tickets, for instance, than they’ll wait in a toilet queue. One caveat is that people become much less likely to leave a queue if others line up behind them. The chances of someone exiting a queue fall to almost zero when the number of people behind them builds to – you guessed it – six.

  Not everyone plays by the rules. David Cameron was caught on camera breaching queue etiquette in JD Sports. After getting to the cashier and realising he’d picked the wrong-sized socks, he rushed off to fetch the right size and returned to the till, fast-tracking past about 10 other shoppers who were waiting in line. The government’s integration tsar, Louise Casey, might have some tips for him. Speaking about how people could help migrants fit into British society, she commented that they should all be taught the holy trinity of British skills: ‘be nice’, know when to put the bins out, and queue properly.

  British pride in queuing was exemplified at Wimbledon this year, where each person joining the line to get tickets was given a 29-page booklet explaining the queuing code of conduct.

  RAFFLES▶

  Louisiana police offered raffle winners the chance to fire a taser at one of their officers.

  The ‘Tase-a-Cop’ promotion was meant as an educational tool to teach children how tasers work, as well as a way to raise money for the department’s Christmas charity. After the advertisement went viral, the police had to post a clarification on Facebook stating that the prize could be claimed only by adults, that the taser’s electrodes would be connected to the officer beforehand rather than being ‘shot’ at him, and that it would all be overseen by a trained certified instructor (apparently there wasn’t enough space on the advert to include such details). A number of parents expressed their concern at the prospect of their children watching a cop being tasered, but the police department sought to reassure them by saying that there were other activities on offer, too – such as water guns and a dunking booth where they could dunk a policeman.

  In Oman an imam won the £500,000 first prize at a raffle run by his bank, but refused to take the money. ‘They told me I was fortunate,’ said Sheikh Ali al-Ghaithi, ‘but it is not “fortune” to win money I have not earned. Islamic laws say I cannot keep such money, so I told my bank to keep it. It is that simple.’

  RAILWAYS▶

  Railway innovations of the year included:

  ▶ Country: Ukraine

  Innovation: Free journeys for poetry buffs. The Ukrainian Metro offered free journeys to anyone who could recite a poem by the country’s national poet, Taras Shevchenko, on his birthday. The only drawback was that the offer applied at only three stations and for only 40 minutes at two of them. Lucky poetry reciters stood to save a maximum of 12p on their next journey.

  ▶ Country: Mexico

  Innovation: The ‘penis seat’. The seat, complete with protruding genitals, was introduced on Mexican metro trains, was uncomfortable to sit on and was reserved for men only. Its intention was to force men to experience the discomfort that women face when they’re sexually harassed on trains.

  ▶ Country: China

  Innovation: The world’s first driverless, trackless train. It’s fitted with sensors that respond to the shape of the road, effectively travelling on virtual tracks that negate the need for physical ones.

  ▶ Country: India

  Innovation
: The country’s first solar-powered train – though the train will actually be pulled along by a diesel locomotive, with the solar power fuelling air conditioning and lights within the carriages.

  In a year when ‘llamas on the line’ were blamed for train delays in Kent, some passengers translated their frustration at the country’s unreliable rail services to the stage. Southern Fail: The Musical premiered at the Brighton Fringe in June.

  Serbian authorities ignited tensions with Kosovo, which declared its independence in 2008, by running a train from Belgrade across the border to Mitrovica which bore the words ‘Kosovo is Serbia’ in 21 languages.

  RANSOMWARE▶

  Ransomware caused misery to more than 300,000 computer users worldwide, but caused joy to the 590 Australians who had their traffic fines cancelled.

  Ransomware is the general name for any computer virus that stops you from accessing your files unless you pay a ransom. The most notorious example of the year was WannaCry, which spread to millions of computers worldwide, including many in Britain’s health service. In Australia, it hit Victoria’s speed cameras when a maintenance worker inserted an infected USB stick into the system. As a result, the cameras continually turned themselves off and on again. Because the data they collected was felt to be unreliable, almost 600 fines were cancelled.

  WannaCry actually had its ransom paid fewer than 400 times, and so made only $120,000. But the money has not (at time of writing) been withdrawn by the virus’s creators, and it looks as though it might never be, as it is kept in a couple of bitcoin accounts that are relatively easy for law enforcers to trace.

  The next attack, known as either Petya or NotPetya, depending on who you spoke to, was even less successful. It made a little over $10,000 for its inventors. But, as many pointed out, those sending these attacks may have been less interested in the money than in causing as much chaos and misery as possible.

  RATS▶

  Police in India blamed rats for drinking all their confiscated alcohol.

  To cut down on domestic violence and poverty, the Indian state of Bihar banned alcohol last year, and ended up confiscating 900,000 litres in just 12 months. Eventually the police had to rent extra premises to house all the contraband they’d seized, as they weren’t allowed to destroy it without a court order.

  And yet, when officials asked if they could examine the seized alcohol, it turned out that almost all of it had mysteriously disappeared. Officers claimed that it must have been drunk by rats, which must have nibbled off the lids. A member of the state government, Devesh Chandra Thakur, said this explanation was ‘the most absurd claim that has ever been made’. In unrelated news, the president of the Bihar Policemen’s Association was arrested on suspicion of consuming alcohol.*

  This isn’t the only time this year that criminal rats have allegedly struck. In May, a customs officer in Udaipur was asked to produce in court some alcohol that had been seized from a resident eight years ago. He turned up with empty bottles, explaining that rats were to blame. And in March, police in the state of Maharashtra blamed rats for eating a stash of 25 kilos of marijuana being held in a warehouse.

  A 2016 study found that rats drink more alcohol when they’re stressed, suggesting India’s rats must be the most stressed on the planet.

  A rat cafe opened in San Francisco. It’s part of the San Francisco dungeons, where diners learn about the role of rats in the transmission of bubonic plague. To comply with hygiene rules, the rats are only allowed out for customers to handle once all the food has been cleared away.

  RECALLS▶

  Recalls this year included double-strength gin, bony hot dogs, and a range of salads with extra bat.

  A batch of Bombay Sapphire gin was recalled after it was discovered it had an alcohol content of 77 per cent, rather than the more normal 40 per cent. A spokeswoman for Bacardi, which owns Bombay Sapphire, said the extra-boozy gin was ‘not unsafe to drink’, but that the firm ‘do not recommend consumption of the product’. Only a fifth of it was returned.

  Other recalls this year included a batch of hash browns which were reported to have potentially included ‘extraneous golf ball material’, 3 million kilos of hot dogs which may have contained fragments of bone, and a salad range from Walmart after a dead bat was found in one packet.

  RELIGION▶

  For how to find your nearest priest, see Apps; for a DJ monk dropping beats and chants, see Buddhists; for a pastor playing Hugh Hefner, see Carnivals; for a sermon thanking God for a Premier League victory, see Chelsea; for holy toys, see Fidget Spinners; for earthquake beer made by monks, see Food and Drink; for the priest who took on the Mafia, see Godfather; for the Muslims with the keys to Christ’s tomb, see Jesus; for a missing monk, see Lost and Found; for a Protestant android, see Robots; and for Mother Theresa™, see Trademarks.

  RESTAURANTS▶

  For an avocado restaurant, see Avocados; for a Nutella cafe, see Nutella; for a rat cafe, see Rats.

  RETIREMENT▶

  Daniel Day-Lewis announced his retirement from acting. For the fourth time.

  The first time he did so was in 1989 when, while playing Hamlet, he left the stage after making contact with his deceased father mid-performance. Eyewitnesses said he started crying and then just walked offstage without finishing the play. The second time was in 1997, when he moved to Florence to become an apprentice shoemaker. On the third occasion, in 2002, he decided to move back to Ireland to learn rural skills like stonemasonry. His latest retirement comes without an explanation, and his publicists refuse to divulge the reason. It is rumoured that he intends to become a dressmaker.

  Other retirements this year include Japan’s oldest female porn star, who has quit aged 80, having got into the industry 9 years ago,* and a 6-foot-tall anthropomorphic turd called Mr Floatie, who for 13 years has been protesting about the dumping of raw sewage in Canadian waters, and who was mascot to Canada’s People Opposed to Outfall Pollution, or POOP.

  RIP▶

  People who passed away this year included: the oldest person in the world (117 – see Oldest Age); Joseph Goebbels’s secretary (106); the journalist who discovered that the Second World War had started (105 – see Hollingworth, Clare); the creator of ‘the hardest logic puzzle ever’ (97); a former president of Finland who held all his press briefings in a sauna (93); the inventor of underwater television (92); a ‘mildly eccentric’ Tory MP who once arrived at Parliament on horseback (91); the ‘Father of Pac-Man’ (91); a man who claimed to have invented the Magnum ice cream* (89); the author of The Exorcist (89); the actor who played Batman in the 1960s (88); the actor who played Godzilla in the 1950s (88); the man who coined the word ‘homophobia’ (87); the creator of G.I. Joe and ThunderCats (84); a dictator who dressed his teddy bears as soldiers (83 – see Noriega, Manuel); the inventor of the Hawaiian pizza (83 – see Pizza); the skier who popularised crouching down as you ski (83); the last man to walk on the moon (82); the woman who popularised the word ‘Ms’ (78); a man who was shot in 1958, but only died from the bullet 59 years later (77); a Russian military officer who saved the world from a global nuclear apocalypse in 1983 (77); the dad of the living dead (77 – see Zombies); the man who brought karate to Plymouth (77); the founder of Fox News (77); the footballer who scored a hat trick in 90 seconds – the fastest ever (71); the man who created the rainbow flag symbolising LGBTQ pride (65); a man who was killed for a reality TV show that didn’t exist (44 – see Kim Jong-Nam, Assassination of); and the founder of the Death Cafe movement (44).

  Animals that passed away this year included: the oldest known killer whale (100+); the oldest aquarium fish (100+); the world’s oldest hippo (65); the oldest known gorilla (60); Britain’s oldest donkey (53); the world’s oldest known sloth (43); Britain’s oldest known wombat (31); and a Thai turtle that ate 1,000 coins (25).

  … Didn’t they do well.

  ROBOTS▶

  The border between North and South Korea is guarded by robots.

  The SGR-A1 r
obots, which are South Korean guns that have an autonomous mode, can theoretically identify the enemy and fire on them without any human input, though this feature hasn’t been utilised yet. The UN has been discussing how to regulate autonomous weapons on battlefields of the future, prompting a group of more than 100 scientists and artificial intelligence experts including Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking to sign a letter calling on world leaders to ban ‘killer robots’.

  The letter was signed in the same week that a group of computer scientists at IOActive, a cybersecurity group, showed that a popular humanoid robot could be hacked. They took UBTECH’s Alpha 2 robot, which is designed to help around the house, and programmed it to stab a tomato repeatedly with a screwdriver. In Russia, meanwhile, a 6-foot-tall humanoid robot called FEDOR was unveiled. FEDOR can lift weights, do press-ups, and fire guns with both hands at the same time. Russia’s Deputy PM Dmitry Rogozin said, ‘We are not creating a Terminator,’ and explained that giving FEDOR the ability to fire guns was simply to ‘improve its motor skills’.

  Less violent robots that hit the news this year included: the BlessU-2, a robot that can issue Protestant blessings; a robot that can perform Buddhist funerary rites (see Buddhists); a robot called Sally that makes salads; a robot called Flippy that flips burgers; a robot that can turn wheels of cheese over, known as Tina the Turner; a volleyball-playing robot that has three arms; a piano-playing robot that has 53 fingers; a love-doll that can be programmed with more than 50 positions; and a robot that can carry out tiny manoeuvres in your bottom to make colonoscopies less unpleasant.