The Book of the Year Read online

  Anna: Fittingly, 30,000 years ago is exactly where my taste in music runs up to.

  Dan: ‘Despacito’ has a line, ‘This is how we do it down in Puerto Rico’, and as a result of the song’s popularity Puerto Rico’s governor, Ricardo Rosselló, has named Fonsi the country’s new tourism ambassador.

  Andy: I think it’s claimed that the song is bringing in extra tourism money, which will come in handy, because Puerto Rico declared itself bankrupt this year.

  James: ‘Despacito’ was not the only big song of the year, but it was pretty much the only one that wasn’t sung by Ed Sheeran. When his album, Divide, came out, it sold 672,000 copies in its first week. That was not only more than the rest of the Top 10 combined, it was more than the rest of the Top 500 combined.

  Dan: Another bit of music news that came out is that while touring this year, Adele spent several minutes before every single show being wheeled around in a box.

  James: That’s my favourite part of that show, actually.

  Anna: What does that mean, Dan?

  Dan: Well, in her shows she sings in the middle of the stadium, but she needs to get there without anyone seeing her, she can’t just walk through the crowd. So in some venues she gets inside a box, and they wheel her through the crowd and nobody knows it’s her in there.

  James: What does she do while she’s waiting?

  Andy: I read she has an iPad with her, so she probably plays Angry Birds or Candy Crush or something.

  Anna: She had issues this year with her voice and had to cancel some concerts, and there’s a theory that it’s because she’s singing wrong.

  James: Maybe if she got out of the box she wouldn’t have to shout so loud.

  Andy: Well, actually, it is down to singing too loud. She has polyps on her voice box, and needs surgery, and according to researchers it’s due to the fact that these days everyone sings too loudly and their vocal cords get bashed together.

  Dan: There was one song that reached the charts this year that was 10 minutes of silence. It’s called ‘A a a a a Very Good Song’, by Samir Mezrahi, and the idea is that it will always be at the top of your iTunes alphabetically, and so when you log in, it plays automatically, and you can use the silent time to choose what song you actually want to listen to.

  James: That’s very clever. And also good because it probably didn’t damage his vocal cords much when he recorded it.

  POTATOES▶

  Chinese scientists announced plans to send potatoes to the moon to keep their silkworms alive. They also plan to send silkworms to the moon to keep their potatoes alive.

  The mission, slated for 2018, will attempt to find out whether life can survive on the moon, and forms part of a wider experiment designed to establish how humans might live there permanently. The silkworms will live in a mini ecosystem, consisting of a small cylinder measuring 18cm x 16cm, and will produce the carbon dioxide necessary to keep the potatoes alive. The potatoes, in turn, will be there to provide the oxygen that will help keep the silkworms alive. The cylinder will also include a webcam, which will live-stream the whole thing.

  Back on Earth, the International Potato Centre in Peru successfully bred a ‘super potato’. Developed with NASA, it was grown in a miniature satellite box that mimics conditions on Mars, where days are 37 minutes and 22 seconds longer than on Earth, the atmosphere contains very high levels of carbon monoxide, and the surface temperature is freezing. Sixty-five species of potatoes were tried in the experiment, but only one was deemed ‘super’. Coincidentally, that variety is called ‘Unique’.

  PROTESTS, DIRTY▶

  For North Korean floaters, see Balloons; for Charlotte Church’s message to Donald Trump, see Inauguration; for faeces fighting fascists, see Poo, Dog; for a giant turd protesting raw sewage pollution, see Retirement; for a smear campaign against Gary Lineker, see Toilet Paper, Used; for dung under a door, see Urine; and for poopootov cocktails, see Venezuela.

  PROTESTS, NON-DIRTY▶

  A US cabinet member praised Donald Trump’s trip to Saudi Arabia, saying it was so successful there wasn’t a single protester. Protests are illegal in Saudi Arabia.

  US Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, who joined Trump on the trip, said he thought it was ‘fascinating’ that there was ‘not one guy with a bad placard’. When it was pointed out to him that this was because it was illegal to carry one (protesting in public can lead to a jail sentence of up to 15 years), Ross acknowledged that ‘in theory’ that could be true, but quickly returned to his point, adding, ‘There wasn’t anything. The mood was a genuinely good mood.’

  This must have proved a welcome change for the president. Back in Washington DC, 30 per cent of all citizens have taken part in at least one protest against Trump since his inauguration.

  Public protest has become a much discussed issue in America. In Minnesota, a meeting about a bill designed to discourage disruptive protesters was brought to an abrupt halt when it was disrupted by protesters. And in North Dakota, politician Keith Kempenich was so worried about protesters getting in people’s way that he proposed a bill that would give immunity to drivers who accidentally ran them over. In his proposal he mentioned that that was something his mother-in-law had once almost done.

  It seems nobody is safe in protests these days. In Russia, police accidentally arrested the only pro-Putin demonstrator in a crowd of anti-Putin demonstrators. He was defending the president on camera when, mid-sentence, he was dragged off by a group of police officers.

  Perhaps the solution is to protest without actually showing up. One German man managed this when he protested against President Erdoğan of Turkey by setting up a printer by the window in an Istanbul hotel room, and then remotely ordering it to print hundreds of anti-Erdoğan leaflets, which fluttered out to the street below. By the time police had got there to turn the printer off, he had already flown back to Germany.

  In a diplomatic dispute between Turkey and the Netherlands, protesters in Ankara symbolically stabbed oranges in the street. They also mistakenly burned a French flag, thinking it was a Dutch one (both are red, white and blue).

  PUBLIC, DON’T ASK THE▶

  The world welcomed Trainy McTrainface and Fluffy McFluffyface, but was cruelly denied Doggy McDogface.

  Last year the public was allowed to vote on the naming of Britain’s new polar research ship, and overwhelmingly chose Boaty McBoatface (see Oceans). That time, the will of the people was thwarted – the ship was named RRS Sir David Attenborough and the Boaty McBoatface name was relegated to the on-board submarine. Nevertheless, the trend has swept the world:

  After a public poll, Swedish train company MTR Express named one of its new engines Trainy McTrainface, which got almost half of all votes cast. The firm said the name would be ‘received with joy’.*

  An extremely rare Humboldt penguin was born in the Hunstanton Sea Life Sanctuary in Norfolk for the first time. As you can’t find out a penguin’s sex until it’s three months old, they had to give it a gender-neutral name and settled on Fluffy McFluffyface.

  But not all the bids were successful. An Orlando sheriff’s office called on the public to name their new police dog, and suggestions included Doggy McDogface, Bitey McBiteface, Dr Borkenstein and Tool of the Oppressor. They eventually decided to call the dog Valor.

  Elsewhere:

  ▶ When a San Diego soccer team asked the public what they should call the club, Footy McFooty Face got more votes than all 19 other candidates combined.

  ▶ The name of Bristol’s newest city-centre bridge was put to a public vote, but Bridgey McBridgeface was deliberately kept off the shortlist. And Isle of Wight Council asked for suggestions for what to call its new floating bridge, with the caveat that Floaty McFloatface would be vetoed. In the first three hours suggestions included The Wight Floater, Sir Floatsalot and Floaty Floaterson.

  ▶ Eccentric tech squillionaire Elon Musk asked the Internet for a name for his new boring machine, designed to help traffic by digging tunnels under
Los Angeles. Among the suggestions his followers on Twitter made were William Burroughs, David Attenburrow, Borey McBoreface … and, perhaps inevitably, Boaty McBoatface.

  The firm that operates the M25 network asked the public to name their fleet of gritters. The fleet now includes Sir Gritalot, Gruffalo Gritter, Gritty Gritty Bang Bang and Roger Spreaderer.

  PUNISHMENTS▶

  Criminals were sentenced to learn hairdressing, download Uber and make wholesome rap videos.

  In Granada, a teenager who broke into a hairdresser’s and stole a hairdryer was ordered to go on a six-month hairdressing course and then cut the hair of the judge who sentenced him. The judge, Emilio Calatayud, warned the boy that he shouldn’t do a shoddy job or give him a deliberately bad haircut, on pain of a criminal conviction. Calatayud does this a lot: he has previously sentenced an arsonist to work in a fire brigade, and a reckless driver to spend 100 hours with a traffic policeman.

  Elsewhere in Spain, a prisoner was ordered to tweet about his crime every day for a month. Convicted of defamation, the head of Spain’s Banking Services Association, Luis Pineda, was given access to social media from prison specifically so he could publicly – and repeatedly – admit his crime.

  American judges proved similarly ingenious. Ohio’s Judge Cicconetti started sentencing drunk drivers to download the ride-sharing apps Uber and Lyft, saying of the repeat offenders he kept seeing, ‘They’re not going to stop drinking, period. What you want to do is stop them drinking and driving.’ And a Pennsylvania man found guilty of a gun offence was ordered to make a socially acceptable rap video. The 21-year-old offender had featured in rap videos holding a gun; in response, judge Stephanie Domitrovich said that at some point during his sentence she wanted to see him making a non-violent video with ‘no guns, no drugs’.

  In Swindon, a judge locked up a defendant for several hours for disrespect after the defendant called him ‘mate’. Judge Simon Cooper said, ‘I am not your mate.’

  PUTIN, VLADIMIR▶

  It’s illegal in Russia to depict Vladimir Putin wearing make-up.

  In April the Russian government added 183 new items to its list of 4,199 things that it considers ‘extremist’, and therefore illegal to share. Item 4,071 was any picture of a Putin-like person ‘with eyes and lips made up’, implying ‘the supposed non-standard sexual orientation of the president of the Russian Federation’. Memes of Putin in make-up first became popular in 2013, after Russia passed a law that banned teaching children about ‘non-traditional sexual relations’.

  Depictions of Putin-like characters were also cut from two Hollywood films this year. In these instances they were censored not by the Russians, but by the studios themselves, which were worried that including such scenes might make them targets for Russian hackers.

  Putin did have one brush with Hollywood though, when he met with director Oliver Stone for an interview that aired on the Showtime channel in America. It wasn’t exactly a difficult interview for Putin and we learned very little that we didn’t already know: Putin is extremely paranoid about NATO, he loves judo, and he’s never watched Dr Strangelove. The two men didn’t discuss Stone’s movie JFK, though Putin did mention the subject in an interview with NBC in June. He responded to the accusation that he rigged the US election by saying that if the US intelligence service was able to arrange and cover up the assassination of JFK, it was perfectly capable of fabricating evidence about Russian hacking.

  ‘President Trump’ is an anagram of ‘Mr Putin’s Red Pet’.

  QATAR▶

  Qatar started a refugee camp for camels.

  In June this year a number of countries in the Middle East suddenly cut off all diplomatic relations with Qatar, claiming it was sponsoring terrorism. What triggered the incident is not certain. One theory is that it was related to Qatar paying $1 billion to secure the release of members of its royal family who had been kidnapped by Iranian-backed militias in Iraq. They were said to have paid the billion dollars in cash, carried in suitcases.

  Whatever the reason, the diplomatic row threatened to be a huge inconvenience for Qatar, whose only land border is with Saudi Arabia. Qatari residents of Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain were given two weeks’ notice to leave and return to Qatar. At the same time, the Saudis stopped any goods from crossing between the two countries – which meant Qatar had to find a new way to import 40 per cent of its food (see Food and Drink). The Saudis also introduced a fine of 10,000 riyal (£2,000) for anyone watching the Qatari-based news network Al Jazeera, and anyone expressing sympathy for Qatar could be punished by three to 15 years in jail and a fine of no less than £100,000. Qatari-registered animals were deported from Saudi Arabia, and a refugee camp for at least 7,000 camels and 5,000 sheep had to be set up while officials worked out what to do with them.

  Qatar is an extremely rich country, though, and even these severe sanctions didn’t exactly have the desired effects, at least to begin with. One banker said he wasn’t worried: ‘Instead of having five maids at home, we’ll have three.’

  QAZAQSTAN▶

  Kazakhstan can’t agree how to spell Kazakhstan.

  The problem is that the government wants to change from the Cyrillic alphabet, where the country is spelled KaзaKCTaH, to the Latin alphabet, but nobody can agree which letters to use. The English spelling, ‘Kazakhstan’, doesn’t quite work, as the two ‘K’s are actually meant to be pronounced at the back of the throat, and there’s no exact letter for that sound in the Latin alphabet.

  Three possible options have been suggested for the disputed letters: a Q, a K with a squiggle below it, or a K with an inverted hat. Most Kazakhs favour the Q, which would make Qazaqstan one of only two countries to start with that letter (the other, of course, being Qatar). Whatever is finally agreed, some Kazakhs find the whole affair deeply embarrassing. Rasul Jumaly, a former foreign ministry official, said, ‘It doesn’t look very good when a country can’t decide how to spell its name.’

  Another country considering a name change is Macedonia, which is thinking of doing so just to keep Greece happy. Macedonia has been trying to join NATO for over a decade, but its application has always been blocked by Greece, which objects to its neighbour’s name, arguing that the area historically known as ‘Macedonia’ was, in fact, largely in Greece. This year, with fears growing over increased Russian influence in the area, Macedonia announced that it might be willing to join NATO under a new name. Suggestions include New Macedonia, Upper Macedonia, Slavo-Macedonia, Nova Makedonija and Macedonia (Skopje). Unfortunately all these names fall foul of the one condition Greece has insisted upon: that the name Macedonia shouldn’t be used.

  Because both countries claim the name, the sign that greets you on both sides of the Greece–Macedonia border reads ‘Welcome to Macedonia’.

  Kazakhstan announced plans to reintroduce wild tigers. Wild donkeys and deer are also being introduced to give the tigers something to eat.

  QUARKS▶

  Physicists found the world’s most charming particle.

  You need to know only two things to understand the latest findings in subatomic physics:

  1. Most particles in the universe are made of smaller things called quarks, which come in six ‘flavours’: up, down, top, bottom, charm and strange.*

  2. Physicists are trying to find new particles by bashing existing particles together at great speed.

  In a recent experiment, scientists fired lead atoms at each other, producing a ‘soup’ of quarks (as expected); but they also found that that soup had more ‘strange’ quarks than they had predicted. CERN called it ‘enhanced strangeness production’, and got excited, as physicists tend to do when something happens that they’re not expecting.

  In another experiment, a new particle called Xi-cc++ which had been predicted to exist, but had never before been seen, was found in a collision. It contains one up quark and two charm quarks, making it the most charming particle ever seen. It lasted only for somewhere between 50 mill
ionths of a billionth of a second and 1,000 millionths of a billionth of a second. But for that fraction of a second, it was extremely charming.

  QUEEN ELIZABETH, HMS▶

  The Royal Navy’s largest ever aircraft carrier was launched, without any aircraft to carry.

  The HMS Queen Elizabeth, which set off on its maiden voyage this year for six weeks of sea trials, did so without a single aeroplane on board, because the navy doesn’t yet have any. Instead the flight-deck crew were left back on land at the Royal Naval Air Service base at Culdrose, where they practised pushing life-size models of F-35 planes around on the tarmac. Even at the ship’s naming ceremony in 2014, the MoD was unable to get its hands on a real plane, and had to use a fake, life-size model instead.

  A lack of actual planes isn’t the only setback from which the ship has suffered. It also has faulty doors, and the hull had to be repainted a few months before launch because it turned out that the original paint peels off in seawater.

  The aircraft carrier, affectionately known as Big Lizzie, was named after the Queen in 2002 in order to safeguard the project: naval officers reckoned Tony Blair’s government would find it embarrassing to scrap a ship bearing Her Majesty’s name. It’s capable of carrying 40 aircraft (when it gets them), a crew of 1,000, and comes with a hospital (complete with an operating theatre and dentist’s surgery), police cells and even its own specially composed theme tune.

  The HMS Queen Elizabeth is said to be the most advanced warship of all time. It’s longer than the Houses of Parliament, taller than Nelson’s Column, cost over £3 billion to construct, and is the largest ship ever built by the British Royal Navy. Its size and power are meant to strike fear in the hearts of Britain’s enemies, although, if so, rival powers aren’t letting on: the Russian military simply called it a ‘large convenient target’.