Never Just a Memory Read online

  ‘I can’t.’ This was the worst fix of her life. She’d already lost Tom. He was furious and disgusted with her, as she still was with him over his attitude. Jonny would probably see her actions as a betrayal too. If she could think of something to fob Jonny off he’d never need to know. Bruce had very little time left. He was peaceful at last. She wouldn’t allow his last days to be thrown into turmoil and possibly shortened. If Jonny got as angry as Tom did he might even try to throw Bruce out.

  ‘Tom said the same thing. Lou, darling, I’m worried about you. Won’t you let me help you?’

  ‘If you want to help, then please, Jonny, stay out of it. Just remain my friend.’

  ‘All right, if that’s what you want. Perhaps you’ll feel able to tell me about it one day.’

  ‘Perhaps.’ She never would.

  ‘Want a hug? You can trust me, Lou. I’d never do anything to hurt you.’

  She answered by going to him and resting in his warm embrace. There was nothing she could say. She had helped one person and by doing so risked losing the love and respect of nearly all those she cared for. She couldn’t bear to lose Jonny too.

  * * *

  While offering round tiny pieces of un-iced wedding cake, Emilia had been thinking about Jonny’s sudden exit after Tom’s mention of Louisa’s mystifying Mr Ash. Even allowing for how close Jonny and Louisa were, it was unexpected that he’d choose now to hurry off to her. It kept bothering her that somehow she should know who the wretched man was. Ash? Ash… She knew of nobody of that name. The closest to it was someone from the past. Bruce Ashley… whose lover happened to be buried in Kenwyn churchyard… Louisa had met someone close to her home by chance… Emilia stopped stock still. Had fate played a cruel trick?

  She rushed off to Tilda. ‘Here, take this. I need to slip out. Paul’s just been fed. He’s with Faye.’

  Tom was dancing the Palais Glide with Jill. Emilia interrupted and drew him aside. ‘I’m going to ask you something, son, and I want a truthful answer. ‘Do you know the full identity of the man staying with Louisa?’

  ‘Do you think you know who he is?’ Tom hedged. The last thing he wanted was more trouble for Louisa – he had sworn that he’d protect her.

  Emilia wasn’t going to be put off. ‘Someone from the past. Your Uncle Tristan’s past. Am I right?’

  He nodded miserably. ‘I’ve known she’d had a secret guest for some time. I couldn’t cope when I finally got the truth out of her. Sorry, Mum, I should have told you, but I promised I’d never mention it to anyone.’

  ‘Never mind that. There’s more to the story than you know. It’s time everything was revealed. Stay here and make sure everything keeps running smoothly.’

  Next, she located Perry and Tristan, enjoying some banter with the squaddies. ‘Sorry to break things up. Perry, Tris, you have to come with me. Now.’ She hurried them out of the front entrance.

  ‘What’s going on, darling?’ Perry knew all her moods. Rarely had he seen her so grave and intense.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Tristan hung back. ‘I was about to see if Pearl’s tickety-boo.’

  ‘She’s fine playing outside with the other children. Come on, we’ve no time to lose. I’ll tell you on the way.’

  ‘Hey. Your mom, stepfather and uncle have run out on us,’ Nate whispered lovingly into Lottie’s ear. ‘They’re probably going to tie some old boots and cans to the trap to see us off. Or to prepare the marriage bed.’ A wicked twinkle played in his eyes.

  ‘I suppose so.’ Lottie was ponderous. It was usually the younger element that got up to that sort of thing. Jonny had shot off somewhere too.

  Tom made to go after the rapidly disappearing elders. Jill tugged him back. ‘I couldn’t help overhearing some of what was said. Whatever it is, let them see to it. Mrs Em told you to stay here. Louisa may need you afterwards.’

  ‘I don’t know about that. Jill, I’m frightened. Look, you might as well know what’s up. If there’s to be ructions and it spills over back here, you’ll be the best one to find a way to tell Lottie. Let’s find somewhere private.’

  * * *

  ‘If you’re right about this, I’ll kill him!’ Tristan reverted to some choice soldier’s language. He had the ponies pulling the Tremore trap at a fast trot.

  ‘Violence isn’t going to help,’ Emilia stated, squeezed in between him and Perry. ‘You’ve got to think of Jonny.’

  ‘I am, but if Ashley’s come back to haunt me, if he destroys things between me and my son…’

  ‘Don’t forget the chap’s dying,’ Perry said. ‘You’ve got to stay calm.’

  ‘I’ve been dreading this day might come. I should have told Jonny years ago,’ Tristan cursed himself. ‘I had plenty of openings, every time he asked me what I had against Louisa. I should never have taken out my hatred of Ashley against her. Jonny will hate me for it.’

  ‘Not if you keep cool and tell him sensibly,’ Emilia said. ‘He might understand why we kept the secret. He’s got no respect for Ben but he had a lot for Alec. Alec never wanted him to learn about what really happened that night. We’ll point that out to Jonny.’

  ‘Let’s hope after the initial shock both Jonny and Louisa will take the news gladly,’ Perry said. ‘They’ll be gaining a lot. Louisa’s in for the biggest shock when she finds out it’s her father she’s been nursing under her roof.’

  * * *

  Louisa came down from upstairs.

  ‘How is he?’ Jonny stubbed out a cigarette. ‘I’ve made tea, afraid it’s like gnat’s pee. What have you got in the pantry? You look as if you haven’t eaten for days.’

  ‘He’s sleeping. He sleeps all the time now. He didn’t eat anything yesterday.’

  ‘It can’t be long now then.’

  ‘No.’ She hugged her cardigan in tighter round herself. ‘I’m going to miss him so much. Funny really, I haven’t known him long, yet I feel I’ve known him all my life.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Lou.’

  ‘Don’t be. I don’t regret meeting him.’

  ‘Well, that will bring you some comfort after he’s passed away. I wish I could be around for you then. You do regret finishing with Tom though? You do want to make things up with him?’

  ‘I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t allow myself to concentrate on how I feel about Tom, though for a while it seemed so right between us. I have to keep strong to face the death of my friend.’

  ‘Well, perhaps you and Tom weren’t meant to be.’ Jonny was recalling Tom saying he’d never trust her again. He’d never seen him so upset. And now it was the same with Louisa. She broke into tears and rushed to his arms.

  ‘Louisa? Can we come in?’

  ‘Aunt Em!’ She broke away from Jonny. ‘What are you doing here? And you, Perry? Why have you left the wedding?’ Her brow knotted and her upper lip turned into a snarl when she saw the further person who had taken the liberty of walking into her house. There was such a compassionate look to her aunt, a mixture of gravity to the two men. Her gut twisted in fear. There could be only one reason why they were here. If only Jonny had already left.

  ‘Don’t be afraid, Louisa,’ Emilia said. ‘We should all sit down. Why don’t you come and sit by me?’

  ‘But he mustn’t stay.’ She stabbed a finger towards Tristan. ‘He’ll make a scene.’

  ‘I promise I won’t.’ Tristan raised himself stiffly on his toes.

  ‘I’ll make sure he won’t,’ Jonny said, throwing a warning at his father, who looked as if he was suffering from all kinds of plagues. ‘At last we’ll get to the bottom of what’s been going on all these years.’ He shuffled Louisa, who had grown frozen, towards Emilia. They sat down either side of her. He took her chilled hand. He could sense she was hardly daring to breathe.

  Tristan stayed on his feet, clasping his hands behind his back, his chin up, military style. Perry retreated circumspectly to a window.

  Seconds went by in wrought silence. Emilia steadied herself with a deep breath.
‘Of course the past events happened before Perry came to Hennaford, but as my husband, he knows all about it. I am sorry, Louisa and Jonny, that the two of you have been kept in the dark but please believe that the decision made so many years ago was felt by all of us, and that includes Alec, Ben, Polly and Julian, to be for the best.’

  ‘You included Jonny, Aunt Em. How is it that both of us are involved in the past?’ Louisa said, her voice breaking up.

  ‘Yes, let’s get it over with.’ Jonny was on the attack. ‘Father, what exactly has this grudge you have against Louisa got to do with me?’

  Tristan emptied his throat but still felt he was choking. ‘This is very hard… you must both prepare yourselves for a shock.’

  Louisa gripped Jonny’s hand until she was digging her nails into him. He didn’t notice the pain.

  ‘First, let me say that only Emilia, when the matter was discussed again some years ago, felt that the truth should come out. Anyway, the truth is… the plain fact is… Ursula, your mother, Jonny… was also mother to you, Louisa. You are the baby she gave birth to.’

  ‘What?’ Living under extreme stress for so many days, it was too much to take in and Louisa collapsed against Jonny in shock.

  ‘That can’t be right.’ Jonny shook his head in disbelief. He wrapped Louisa into his body, in protection, as if they were on some collision course.

  ‘It’s true,’ Emilia said. ‘There was never going to be the right time to tell you. Polly was Louisa’s legal guardian and she more than any of us wanted to keep it hushed, in fear that Louisa would be shunned in society. We couldn’t go against her wishes.’

  ‘Well, this is more than a bit thick!’ Jonny threw at his father. ‘All these years, Lou and I have been brother and sister and you’ve worked as hard as the devil knows how to keep us apart. We had the right to know. It wouldn’t have hurt after we’d grown up. We could have kept the secret ourselves or faced the world and damn the self-righteous! It wasn’t right. It’s appalling!’

  ‘Son, please, let me explain—’

  ‘You can’t! I’ve always trusted you to be honourable, worthy of respect. Now I find that your rejection of Louisa wasn’t some trifling thing, an idiosyncrasy, your funny little way, as I’ve always tried to reason it away. You’ve continually rebuffed her, bewildered her, you’ve been downright bloody cruel!’

  Louisa was struggling to free herself. Reluctantly, he let her go. She got up shakily, staring at Tristan with all the emotions that were trawling through her. Her voice emerged as a stranger’s, one harrowed word at a time. ‘Then this means that the man upstairs, Bruce Ashley, is my father.’

  ‘Yes.’ Tristan was wrought with terror that Jonny would never forgive him. Even now he could not hide his utter distaste at the mention of his old enemy. ‘I’m afraid it is.’

  ‘Afraid? Afraid, Mr Harvey? Did you think I’d be disgusted, like you are? I’ve cared for him these past few months. I’ve grown very fond of him because he’s truly sorry for what he did to her, to Ursula, my mother. He’s so sorry that he doesn’t think himself worthy of forgiveness. No, I feel more for him than fondness. I love him. Now I know why. He’s about to die, and if it wasn’t by chance that Faye had seen him that day I’d never have known he was my father. Oh, I’ve been afraid, Tristan Harvey. Afraid of you finding out about Bruce and turning up here to seek revenge on your wife’s lover. And all this time you’ve been afraid, afraid Jonny and I would find out your sordid secret. I can accept the others thought they were doing the best for me but you’ve despised my very existence. You think I’m sordid. I hate you for that.’

  ‘I don’t believe it.’ Jonny was up and pacing one spot like a caged beast. ‘I could have been killed at any time and I’d never have known I’d had another sister. This war has changed all perceptions, broken down barriers, moved us to where we acknowledge what’s truly important. Why could none of you see that? Especially you, Father?’

  ‘Son…’ Jonny threw his back towards him and all Tristan could do was hang his head.

  Emilia glanced at Perry, lost at what to do.

  Calmly, Perry approached Louisa. ‘Please take a moment to listen to me, Louisa. I’m looking at all this from an outsider’s point of view. Emilia, Tristan and the others only wanted to protect Jonny. The people who were to adopt you refused to have you because of your birthmark. Emilia and Alec offered to raise you. So did Ben. They had sworn to Ursula that they’d take care of her baby. Try to think of it from Tristan’s point of view. It’s understandable that he didn’t want the baby of his late wife and her lover raised in Hennaford. He allowed Julian Andrews to take you. He and Polly Hetherton wanted you very much. Thanks to all of them, even Tristan, because as Ursula’s husband, he could have signed you away to an orphanage, you grew up in a loving home.’

  ‘I can thank you for that, I suppose.’ Louisa uttered every word with a bitter-sharp sting in it as she marched up to Tristan. ‘I’m sure the option of an orphanage would have been preferable to you! Where my birthmark would have ensured no one ever took me on. I told you once before to get out of my house, now I’m telling you again. Get out! Never, ever come back!’

  ‘Louisa, you’ve got the right to be upset,’ Emilia pleaded, shaken by the strength of her hostility. ‘I know you’ve had a lot to bear recently. But can’t you see that Tristan was the only innocent party back then? He adored Ursula. He was battle scarred, he took it all very badly.’

  ‘I’ll go,’ Tristan said, fumbling towards the door. ‘I have tried to say sorry to you lately, Louisa. I swear I truly am sorry.’

  ‘You’re only sorry because you’re afraid how Jonny will take this. I hope he turns against you,’ Louisa hurled after him. ‘Don’t you want to dash upstairs and hurt Bruce?’

  ‘A short time ago certainly I would have wanted to, but now everything’s out in the open, seeing you and Jonny together as you should be, brother and sister, I feel nothing for him. I’m sure, when you’ve had time to cool down, you’ll realize you don’t mean much of what you’ve said. If there’s one person who’s incapable of hating and desiring revenge, it’s you. You’re a woman of honour and compassion. Few people would have given succour to a man like Ashley. It’s cost you your own happiness with Tom and I’m sorry about that too.’ Tristan hardly dared look at Jonny. ‘Will you stay here?’

  ‘Of course. I’ve got twenty-six years to catch up on with my sister.’ The eyes on his father were remote and cold. ‘I’ll come to Tremore before I head back to base.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Jonny. Please don’t be too hard on your father. I’m sorry, Louisa. I hope because of Tom it won’t stop you coming to the farm,’ Emilia said. All she got back was blank faces. It was too soon yet for them to come to terms with the revelations. Linking her arm through Perry’s, they followed on after Tristan’s lonely, dejected figure.

  Alone for the first time under their new status, the enormity of the affair took its toll on both Louisa and Jonny. The walls of the room seemed to be folding in on her and in a moment of panic she ran to the open window to gasp in great lungfuls of air. ‘Hell, I need a drink!’ was his reaction. He rooted in the drinks cabinet and poured two good measures of brandy.

  ‘Here, get this down you.’

  She took the glass like an automaton, but while he drank without allowing the liquor to warm up, she cradled hers in her hands. ‘How do you feel about me taking in Bruce?’ she said, in challenge. Closer she might be now by blood to Jonny, but the man upstairs still came first.

  ‘I can’t say I like it, but it’s just the sort of thing that you’d do, Lou. How can I blame you for that? I suppose it’s a relief somehow to know that someone loves my mother that much. My memories of her are mixed and hazy. She was good to me but twice she tried to take me away from my security. I’ve never resented her, just felt sorry for her. I promise I won’t go near him. Go up to him, Lou. Go on. He needs you.’

  Suddenly it was as if a terrible, oppressive weight had been lifted off her. She
swayed on her feet, then got a grip on herself. ‘At least I know who I am now.’

  ‘Yes, you do, and I’m so glad. I’m so glad that you’re my sister. Will you tell him? That you’re his daughter?’

  ‘Yes. I only hope that it’s not too late for him to understand.’

  Jonny finished the brandy then went off to the kitchen to find something to pull together to eat. Louisa was going to need her strength. He fashioned a meal to fry up, cold potatoes and carrots, onion, scraps of bacon. He shoved aside a bundle of smelly clothes and laid two places on the table. Discovered the Nescafé and spooned the necessary grains into two mugs. Rambling round the garden, newly tilled with vegetables, he smoked a cigarette. Thinking not about how this affected him, not about his father’s silence, only about Louisa and how upsetting it was going to be to lose the man she’d just been told was her father. Damned pity she and Tom had fought over Ashley, he would have been a comfort to her. Planning for their marriage would have been the perfect thing to give her new hope and purpose. After Ashley’s death she’d have nothing – he, himself, was almost certainly bound to be killed on one of his next raids.

  Jonny wasn’t one for praying. Now he joined his hands together. Please God, let me live through. Let me come safely through right to the end or Louisa will have no one.

  He went back inside. The kitchen was empty. Louisa had been upstairs a long time. He crept up. He heard her speaking quietly in between the laboured breathing of the dying man. The door, just along the landing, was open and he could see her at the bed. At the doorway, he threw a stage whisper: ‘Forgive me coming up, but you really ought to eat something. I’ll have it ready in ten minutes.’

  ‘Jonny. I can’t leave him.’

  ‘Oh. This soon, is it?’ He went to the doorway. ‘Shall I call the doctor?’