Shards of My Heart Read online

  Officer Kim: Now, we have agreed that she will stay in town. She will take the baby and the vehicle. Give it 24 hours to cool down.

  Kylie began fussing some. Every time I walked by her, she wanted me to stop what I was doing to pick her up. One officer stood guard over her while I worked. Still, her father walked over to pick her up.

  me: Shane, leave her there. She’s fine.

  It was all I could do to keep calm, to not rush to her, to not snatch her up or shield her from him with my body. My trust at the moment was non-existent. Life had taught me that a man with nothing to lose was the most dangerous beast of all. Shane was losing his wife and daughter. There was nothing left that he cared about.

  The officer saw my concern and interceded. That went over like the proverbial ton of bricks. In an instant, he was in my face, sneering at me as he spoke.

  Shane: You think you can keep me from my daughter?

  me: I think she is fine in her bouncer. Let’s leave her there for now.

  Shane: It didn’t have to be like this. You raised this to a whole different level when you called the police.

  No, I didn’t argue. It would have been pointless. True, I had called the police, but only after he had backed me into a corner. Was there another way? It hadn’t felt like it at the time. He had been pretty adamant that I was to leave. I was just as determined that I would not be leaving alone or by foot.

  The officer stepped toward us. It was obvious that the perception was that things were getting too heated.

  Officer Greene: Sir, you need to back up.

  The wrath that only moments earlier had been directed at me was now turned on the officer. Was it wrong of me to hope that they would see how out of line he was, that they would arrest him and get him the help he needed?

  Shane: Are you trying to tell me what to do in my own house? I haven’t laid a finger on her. I haven’t done anything wrong.

  With him distracted, I decided to continue packing. Just the necessities were still overwhelming. I could feel my chest tightening as I realized I might never come back here. Already the house had begun to feel foreign to me, almost as foreign as the man I had married. At the moment, I didn’t have the luxury of time to explore my feelings. Lily had arrived.

  Remaining with the car due to a sleeping baby, I trekked out and brought box after box for her trunk, her back seat, and the front passenger seat. When I had loaded all that it could safely hold, I hugged her and thanked her for being there for me. That was when Shane came out and yelled at her.

  Shane: Fuck you, Lily! You were my friend. Now you are just a traitor. And fuck Lyle, too. We are not friends.

  Though she didn’t shed a tear, I hurt for her. Years of friendship, broken in an instant as easily as he had broken our windows, as irreparable as our wedding frame. Still she stood there stoically and listened. It was obvious I needed to pack up and leave all the faster. My husband was only growing all the more agitated.

  Officer Kim: How much more do you need? We can’t be here all night.

  So I went to the bedroom and hauled out the two suitcases at the same time. As I wheeled them out, Shane shouted at me.

  Shane: Nice. Be sure to scratch up the floor on your way out!

  I paused for a moment my mouth agape. He had torn through the house like a raging bull, but it was the suitcases he was worried about. I was grinding sheetrock and glass into the bottoms of my flip-flops and the floor, but the suitcases were somehow going to cause more damage. Shaking my head, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I just wanted to grab Kylie and go as soon as possible.

  The SUV was loaded. Overflowing even. I just needed one more item. I started to fold up the pack and play, but my once loving spouse objected.

  Shane: That was given to us by my sister.

  Ah yes. His sister had given us the used porta crib. They hadn’t spoken in two months after their falling out. Obviously there was deep sentimental value attached to this item...or he just wanted to be a dick. My money was on dick.

  So I left it there. I simply stopped and dropped it as is. Without another word, I picked up Kylie and walked out the garage door.

  Shane: Wait! Can’t I say goodbye to my daughter?

  me: You’ve had all night to say your goodbyes.

  I turned and left. It took me longer than normal to hook her in to her car seat. My hands were shaking some. All my efforts were focused on not crying. I didn’t want my baby upset. Mommy meltdowns tended to do that to kids. So I held it all in, like the good mommy I am.

  It wasn’t until I had finally started the vehicle and secured my seat belt that I spoke to her.

  me: Okay baby girl, you ready? We’re going to start a very big adventure.

  The clock showed it was already 7:30pm. I had an hour before the radio show and a good thirty-minute drive ahead of me. Kylie would need to have her next feed started, her meds given, and her diaper changed while I readied her for bed. I thought about where we were headed. Nope. Make that...readied for floor. There would be no bed in my future. It wasn’t about comfort. The accommodations mattered little. We would be safe. We would be together. We would be just fine.

  The hostess in me found it surreal that I was leaving while I still had guests. I mean, I had rather invited the police. They were still there talking to Shane when I left. Still, I didn’t have time to think about that. It was time for me to call Julia, let her know that I was not coming, but that I was safe, and that the radio show was still a go. Then, I discovered I had a text from the neighbor across the road.

  Lola: What did you do to warrant two cop cars?

  So, I called her while I drove.

  me: Hey, Lola. Shane lost it.

  Lola: Oh no. What happened?

  That was how I ended up telling the story yet again. When I was finished, she promised to keep an eye on the house and on Shane.

  Lola: He went back inside after everyone left and shut the garage.

  me: Okay. Thank you.

  By the time I finished that call, I was already lost, so I had to call Lily.

  me: Help! I’m lost and alone.

  With all of Shane’s mood swings, we hadn’t been there for a while. In the dark, out in burbs, everything looked different. I couldn’t remember the exit. I couldn’t find the street. I didn’t know the address. My GPS was useless without it.

  Lily laughed before giving me the directions. Amazingly enough, I wasn’t really that far off course. My phone was plugged in, charging in the car. It felt like it was on its last leg. I had a terrible time charging it lately.

  Just after 8pm, I pulled into the driveway. I was supposed to be calling in around 8:25. That was actually pretty good, plenty of time. Working as efficiently as possible, I brought in only the necessities...Kylie’s diaper bag, some food and medical supplies, our pillows and favorite blankets. Then I spoke to them briefly before I had to call in for the show.

  me: Thank you so much for this. Lyle, I know this puts you in a really uncomfortable position. I know you and Shane have been boys forever.

  Lyle wasn’t looking at me, but past me to the television. Clearly I was interrupting something. Lily responded for him.

  Lily: Don’t worry about it. We took Shane in last time. It’s your turn.

  Leave it to Lily to make a joke of the situation. She knew just what I needed.

  me: That’s right. That should be your defense.

  Three years before, while we were engaged, Shane and I split up very briefly. We had lost our son to a miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving. Initially, our sorrow was shared and we were just as strong as ever, then he began sharing this pain with one of his exes and it caused considerable damage. She had thought to leverage this to get him back, but ultimately...he picked me. At the time, I just didn’t know if I wanted him anymore. It hurt that while we were grieving, he had turned to someone else. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal. He went and stayed with Lyle and Lily while I figured things out. Once we spoke, we decided to
work past it and hang in there.

  At the time, the hurt of losing Shane was only magnified with the loss of Lyle and Lily as well. Ah, but they were his friends. Over time, the relationship between Lyle and Shane had weakened considerably while my friendship with Lily had only grown stronger. I’m like that. I know how to be a friend. I know how to build relationships, keep the ones I want, and let go of those that are destructive.

  Somehow, I just never imagined that I would be making the same choices, facing the same decision in my marriage. Shane was supposed to be the one I had waited for my entire life. We were meant to be together, the tests of time and twists of fate seemed to have determined it. We always found a way back to each other. Walls might crumble, ceilings might cave, but we always had this indestructible foundation to build upon.

  Then this.

  Somehow, I didn’t see a way back. He refused to admit he had a problem. There was no way past that. There was no hanging in there. How could we possibly fix things? Should I even bother trying?

  I didn’t have time to think about that. The radio show was about to start. It was easier to make it happen than make excuses. Better to make it happen than to leave listeners questioning. This...is just who I am. I’m the girl who didn’t miss a day of school when her father died unexpectedly. I’m the girl who took over her mother’s role of cooking, cleaning, and party planning when my grandmother had a heart attack. I’m the woman who didn’t miss a day at the hospital when Kylie was in the NICU. I saw so many other families come and go during her lengthy stay, but it didn’t matter how long we had to be there, we had our baby and that was better than the alternative.

  So, I loaded my sleepy baby’s food bag, set her pump, and changed the settings for the continuous feed she received overnight. After hooking it up to her belly and using the medicine port to give her syringes of three different medications, we headed back out to the car...me, Kylie, the pump, the bag full of her special formula, and a good five feet of tubing. It’s always too long if we’re walking or she’s in the stroller. It’s not long enough when she’s in the crib trying to sleep. I will not miss this when she finally is able to eat by mouth.

  Hanging the bag on the hook in the car, I plugged the phone in to the car charger so it wouldn’t die during the show. Like everything else in my life at the moment, I soon realized that the charger wasn’t working. That could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I had a lovely distraction. Kylie was balanced on one knee and snuggled into my neck. It was a really nice early fall night. The sky was clear and gorgeous...a smattering of stars were visible despite our proximity to city lights. The air had that hint of decaying leaves that I so enjoy. Standing there with the car door open, one of their cats came to check out the vehicle...and us.

  Kylie had never seen a cat before in real life. Gilbert, Caillou’s cat on television, was so not the same. At first she jumped and was scared, but then the cat came over and sniffed her. That was all it took. The cat had a new fan.

  Thus, I found ways to keep my baby girl entertained while I waited to speak, waited for Julia to ask me questions about my little miracle baby. Yes, I had already begun to think of her as mine, just mine. Part of it was the distance between us, but more so...I was the primary caregiver, always had been.

  I wish I remembered what I said on the show. It was a blur to me now. All I remember was that it passed quickly. By the time I was finished and ready to go back in the house, Kylie was sound asleep in my arms. She had been the entire interview. Certainly she had found the day just as exhausting as I had.

  Only, she could go to sleep. My night wasn’t finished yet.

  Soon, I realized that in my rushed exodus from the house, I had failed to pack the cord to the feeding pump. This battery power would only last so long before I would have to resort to hand pumping the feeds. Quite frankly, after having done that during more than one emergency nearly a year before, it wasn’t even a possibility now. There was no way I could pump the 420ml that she took overnight. I would have to sleep sometime.

  Lyle and Lily were heading to bed when I returned. We spoke briefly. They watched the end of television show. I tucked Kylie into the makeshift bed we were to share. Lily had found a feather bed in her closet. I had folded it in half on the floor to make a narrow fluffier mattress. Kylie loved sleeping tucked into my side. We would be plenty comfortable. We had our favorite blankets and familiar pillows. Whenever she looked at me as if to question what we were doing, I’d simply remind her that we were on a very big adventure. So far, it was working.

  Irony. Irony is working so hard to leave a bad situation that you don’t realize that you’re simply in a new bad situation.

  At the moment, I am the proud mother of a very active almost toddler who is trying desperately to get into everything and mostly succeeding because...well, I wanted to keep her out of harm’s way...by bringing her to a house that isn’t baby proofed. My efforts to protect her have largely failed so far. Already, she yanked my laptop off the stand and onto her face because I wanted to keep the cord away from her. That was a really dumb move on my part.

  Then I had to secure the bathroom cabinet with the straightener cord. I’m sure that would be highly frowned upon by the experts at Safety First. Honestly, Kylie still had to be safer than she was at home in what looked to be a war zone. That was what I told myself as I tried to figure out what to do next.

  My day began with phone calls. Lots and lots of phone calls. Julia was working so hard for me that you’d have thought she was getting paid. It made me feel so blessed to have a friend who was so loving and supportive and...most importantly...not judgmental in the least. She was trying to help me with a plan.

  me: I forgot Kylie’s cord.

  Julia would completely understand. Her boys had pumps, too. This wasn’t the kind of thing I could just run to the store to replace. It sucked. She was adamant about how I should handle that.

  Julia: You can’t go back, Nina. Promise me.

  me: *sigh* I know. I just don’t know what to do for a cord.

  Julia: Call the medical supply company. You should be able to get a cord right away.

  That was important. Of course, the problem was, at the moment, everything was important. The lingering fear in my mind was that Shane was going to get vengeful, that he would follow through with his threats. He might call the police on me under the pretense that I had kidnapped his child and stolen his vehicle. That I might not be there for Kylie was my biggest fear of all. It was all about taking care of her.

  Along with custody issues, and equipment challenges, I also faced economic hardship as well. The Christmas money wasn’t going to go far. There would be gas and food to purchase. Oh, and there was that little problem of me not having a car charger which would need to be remedied since I was currently homeless with a special needs child.

  So, I pulled out the purple card the police had given me the night before. It was their first act upon arriving on the scene. Purple card. I’m sure they have loads of cards, all color-coded. Luckily, purple...it’s my favorite color. It is also nearly impossible to lose. I mean, I didn’t lose it. That was saying something since I was currently living out of an SUV.

  On that card were all kinds of government agencies and private organizations. There were shelters that I would never go to because...I wasn’t that desperate, and being there might literally be dangerous for Kylie. We were, after all, entering RSV season. RSV acts like the common cold for those of us with strong, healthy lung tissue and hardy immune systems. Those without what most of us take for granted can end up hospitalized. I should know. Last winter, even while in isolation, even with receiving monthly Synagis shots that were supposed to prevent RSV, Kylie ended up hospitalized for it twice. The second time, she even had RSV and pneumonia. It was a rough winter. Luckily, I was hospitalized with her, staying in an even smaller isolation space for days on end. Suffice it to say...no shelters.

  That still left plenty of phone numbers to ca
ll. The first one was Victim’s Assistance. It was...quite possibly the second hardest phone call I had ever had to make. The day before, I remember how my hands shook while I called the police. Still, in that moment, I didn’t really believe I was doing it. This...calling a line that would force me to accept that I had somehow become a victim...this hurt.

  After just a couple of rings, my call was answered.

  Receptionist: Victim’s Assistance. How can I help you?

  me: I don’t know. I don’t know what you do.

  Receptionist: Well, let me ask you a few questions so I know how to direct your call.

  Soon, I was relaying the story of Shane’s meltdown again. Already I was tired of talking about it. It felt so foreign, as if it had happened to someone else, like I was completely removed from the experience.

  Receptionist: Okay, you need to come in here as soon as possible. If you get in here in time, we should be able to file the paperwork and get you on this afternoon’s docket.

  me: And what will this do?

  Receptionist: You can get an Order of Protection.

  me: Oh.

  I was disappointed and...shocked. I wasn’t the kind of woman who needed a restraining order. For years, I had proven myself to be self-sufficient, strong. I took care of myself. I didn’t need legal intervention...before now. Now, all I cared about was custody of Kylie...and not getting arrested for kidnapping and grand theft auto.

  Receptionist: And the judge can give you temporary emergency custody, a vehicle, and the house.

  me: I don’t want the house.

  Receptionist: Well, that’s up to you, but you should get here as soon as possible so you can get that taken care of.

  After we ended the call, I put a rush on getting ready. Since I had waited for Lily and Lyle to head to work, I hadn’t showered yet. One more thing to accomplish on my list. My wardrobe was limited. It had been a couple of years since I had worked outside of the home. As my own boss, every day was casual Friday. I had yoga pants, and jersey knit...everything.

  From my suitcase in the car, I picked my most responsible jersey knit dress. It was navy blue. Unfortunately, I only had flip-flops to match. Surely there would be women there who looked worse. This wasn’t a beauty pageant. This was...an incredibly painful experience where I wasn’t being graded on my looks.