Shards of My Heart Read online

  me: Why am I a bitch?

  Shane: Why did you have to bring up dinner? You are mean!

  Though I had managed to keep my cool thus far, my patience was beyond tried at the moment.

  me: For the love of God and for the last time, I never mentioned dinner.

  I stopped just inside the bedroom, turned and looked at him. Kylie was on my hip, had been throughout the entire exchange. She was simply watching everything unfold, completely controlled because I was. That was her nature. As long as I remained calm, she would. She could handle anything as long as she had me.

  Staring at Shane, I watched for his reaction. Luckily he was sluggish, since he then threw the stack of frames at me. These weren’t the average pictures. Nope. Two of these were the roughly two foot by two foot wooden square frames, painted with a quote on them, a small 4x6 picture in the centers. The other was our wedding frame, 20 inch square that everyone had signed, and now was covered by glass, meant to protect those heartfelt wishes from our guests for posterity.

  They came at me like giant throwing stars, separating as they drew nearer. They were low flying, and though I managed to dodge two, one of the three hit my calf, scratching my leg and creating what was sure to be a huge lingering bruise. Behind me, in the hall, our wedding frame hit the wall and shattered…glass spilling out and scattering several feet. Without waiting for him to say anything, I left the room, careful to avoid the shards of glass and chunks of sheetrock littering the dark bamboo hardwood floors.

  We made it as far as the great room before Shane came rushing by.

  Shane: I’m leaving. What are you doing?

  I looked him in the eye, and responded evenly.

  me: Just waiting to lock up after you.

  He was still going on about dinner as he wandered out to the garage. I followed behind cautiously. He sat down, taking his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and the lighter, but didn’t actually manage to smoke. As he ranted, he fell asleep. Kylie and I headed back into the house.

  My phone had been ringing earlier, but given the circumstances, I had ignored it. It was 5pm when I returned Julia’s call. I did what I do...badly. I tried to act like everything was fine. Was it really only an hour ago that we had hugged and taken pictures before she packed up the family and headed home?

  Julia: What’s wrong?

  I could hear the serious edge in her voice. Jules knows me entirely too well.

  me: Nothing…

  Julia: Liar. Something’s wrong. What happened?

  me: I’ll be fine.

  Julia: Tell me what happened.

  me: So, Shane went nuts.

  Julia: Do you need to cancel on me tonight?

  I didn’t even have to consider before responding. Julia had always been such a loyal and supportive friend, I wouldn’t dream of standing her up.

  me: Never.

  Julia: How will you be able to do the radio show? It sounds like it’s really crazy right now.

  me: I don’t know, but I will. I would never let you down.

  It was more than that. From past experience, I knew that Julia’s suggestion had little to do with having a guest for her show and everything to do with her concern for our well-being. The show was merely housekeeping. We thought alike. Get the business out of the way, focus on the heart of the matter.

  We were still chatting when Shane stumbled back into the room about fifteen minutes later. He didn’t seem to notice or care that I was on the phone.

  Shane: This is my house. You leave.

  Ignoring him, I continued to talk. Soon, he was in my face, repeating himself in case I hadn’t heard him the first time.

  Shane: Get. Out.

  As soon as he finished speaking those words, he walked back down the hall into the bedroom. In my ear, Jules spoke words of comfort, words that I was finally ready to take seriously.

  Julia: Come here. Come stay with me.

  Silent for a moment too long, I heard Jules sigh. Loudly.

  Julia: You can’t stay. You have to leave. You know this, right? I mean, you aren’t safe and neither is Kylie. Did he hurt you this time or just punch the walls?

  Her fear was always that his violence would escalate, that at some point, destroying stuff wouldn’t be enough, that he would lose control and lash out at me.

  me: I was hit with a picture frame.

  Her reaction was swift and sound.

  Julia: What if the frame had hit Kylie? It could have killed her.

  Hearing her say that out loud...hurt. Suddenly I was forced to recall a conversation I had with Brynn, a new mom. She was living in a terrible situation financially. After listening to much complaining I finally reminded her that life wasn’t about her any more. She was a mom. That time was over. The same was true for me, too. If it was just me, I would stick it out. I would love him through it, just like I always had. Only, now, with Kylie involved, I had to consider the ramifications of my actions. If anything happened to her, I would be devastated. It wasn’t about us. I had to do what was right for our baby. Living in a war zone was all kinds of wrong.

  The neighbors were clearly already talking. While I was in the middle of the conversation, I had received a text from our neighbor to the right.

  Pilar: Is everything okay? I was in the kitchen when I saw the bedroom window break.

  me: Shane had a temper tantrum.

  With that text sent, I turned my attention back to Julia, who was patiently awaiting my response on the other end of the phone.

  me: Okay. Text me the address.

  Then I hung up. Though I had never done this before, it was clear what needed to be done. Clicking on the camera icon, I started to snap pictures of the damage as I made my way to the bedroom to pack. There was even a photo of the crib tipped over before he came out of the bathroom and righted it.

  Shane: Why are you still here? Leave. Get. Out. Right. Now.

  Walking to my closet, I pulled out two suitcases, one at a time. I hadn’t set Kylie down for the last hour. She was starting to feel heavy, but I ignored the pain. I needed her safe and at the moment, that safety was only guaranteed in my arms. Shane was too erratic. This…was not the man I had married. This…was not the man I dated and fell in love with. That Shane, I never wanted to live without. This man was a stranger and I had no trouble leaving him.

  When he saw the second suitcase come out, he stiffened. Opening Kylie’s drawers, I started loading her belongings into the waiting bag. It wouldn’t take but a moment to get her clothes together; it was the medical supplies that would be so time consuming.

  Shane: You aren’t taking my daughter.

  me: Well, I’m not leaving her with you.

  Shane: She’s my only child.

  me: You can’t take care of her. You can’t even take care of yourself right now.

  Shane: Just how do you expect to take care of her?

  It wouldn’t end. As long as I kept responding, he would continue arguing with me. I had no energy for that. There were too many other concerns at the moment.

  Shane: If you want to take her, you have to call the police.

  Pausing, I waited for him to talk sense. It wasn’t happening. Finally, I caved and spoke. There was an unspoken rule about involving the police. I knew it. He had made it. Calling the police raised everything to the next level. These things were handled in house, behind closed doors, even if many of those doors had holes.

  me: You’re really going to make me call the police?

  Shane: If you want to take Kylie.

  So, we were playing chicken. Still holding Kylie, I picked my phone up from the bed and punched in 911. We stared each other down as the phone rang. I was giving him a chance. He just had to back down and let us leave. It was all about control. His level of self-control would set the tone.

  The problem was, I knew how Shane would react. I didn’t know this man who stood before me at all. There was no reasoning with him. There was no rationalizing. There was only this seething anger over…not
hing. It was 5:30pm.

  Just after 6pm, two guys showed up. They were not the police. They were the guys who had called at 4:30pm who unknowingly had set this series of events in motion. They were pretty determined to get some of this equipment. While Shane went to speak with them, I went back to packing.

  My vehicle only had about half a tank of gas in it. I had about three dollars in cash. That wasn’t going to get me…anywhere. It certainly wasn’t going to get me to Atlanta, a good four hours away and the safety of Julia’s house. Shane would never know to look for me there. He didn’t know where they lived. Where would I find the gas money?

  While he was out in the driveway talking to the strange men, I was racking my brain. If I am anything, I am a problem solver, able to fix nearly anything. Given enough time, I could reason it out and find the answer.

  In my closet...I found the solution. My mother had sent our Christmas package early. Very early. September early. She was heading down to her Florida home for the winter. Apparently they didn’t have post offices there because she felt the need to ship her package before leaving New York. At the time, I thought her foolish. Now, I knew she was instead...brilliant.

  Opening the box, I found what I had hoped for: envelopes. With but a moment of guilt, I ripped them open, hoping for Visa gift cards. Instead, I found cash. Soon, I had a hundred bucks. I was rich...in hope.

  Within fifteen minutes, the bags in the bedroom were packed; the toiletries, too. I was trying to concentrate on getting everything else together. There was so much to think about, so much to consider. So much that Kylie would need. It was so difficult to gather with just the one hand. Taking a break, I went out to the garage to wait and watch.

  It was 6:30 by the time the first police car arrived. Seconds later, another one appeared. The officers were quick to separate us, which wasn’t a challenge since we were nowhere near each other. Shane was on one side of the driveway, while I had been told to remain on the other. Even at that distance, I could hear him talking on the other side of his truck.

  Shane: She’s crazy! She made me crazy! The last five years of my life have been miserable.

  He went on and on about what a horrible person I am. He refused to let me leave with our daughter or take my vehicle because...even though it was paid for by both of us and my vehicle had been traded in on it, he liked to consider it his since it was in his name. That was a technicality at best.

  Suddenly, I was assaulted with memories of the day we had purchased it. He told me then that I was good and stuck; he owned me. At the time, I thought he was joking. I thought he meant it in the most loving way. Now I realized that he had been more honest in that moment than he had been through maybe the bulk of our marriage. Control. He thought he had it over me.

  Poor stupid man. Shane had picked the wrong woman to mess with. Soon enough, he would come to realize that.

  The young Asian police officer came to speak to me. He seemed...too intelligent to be an officer. He had to be doing time to make it to detective. Already he had picked up on the fact that my husband was acting incredibly erratic and questioned me about that.

  Officer Kim: Can we go in the house to talk?

  Before they had arrived, one of Shane’s parting shots before heading out of the house was to remind me that the police couldn’t come in the house because it was his, not ours, purchased before we married. Given the considerable damage throughout the residence, he could have it. I never wanted this house without him.

  Of course, now, with the officer asking if we could talk inside offering me a witness to the destruction, I was inclined to lead him through the home. While Shane could certainly object, there was nothing he could do.

  me: Sure.

  Walking him through the home, I was able to describe in vivid details exactly what had happened. And when we returned to the great room once more, he asked his questions.

  Officer Kim: So, is he on anything?

  me: Nothing illegal. He’s taking prescription drugs...improperly.

  Officer Kim: Do you know which ones?

  me: Of course. Xanax for his anxiety. Something else to sleep. Adderall to keep him awake.

  I wanted to say more, but I allowed him to draw his own conclusions. Waiting patiently, I watched his reaction.

  Officer Kim: Has he ever taken illegal substances?

  me: Not since he was a teenager. Then it was purely recreational, as I understand.

  Officer Kim: Clearly, it isn’t safe for you both to stay in the house together tonight. One of you needs to leave.

  me: I’m perfectly happy to do that. I have a friend who offered to let me stay with her. I was trying to pack and go there when he stopped me, said I couldn’t take his daughter or his vehicle. He told me he would have me arrested for kidnapping and stealing his car. I’m not the kind to call the police over nothing. If you checked our history, you know that you’ve never been called here before.

  Officer Kim: Of course. I understand.

  me: I just want to be able to leave safely. That’s all. If you can just stay here while I load up, that will be very helpful. You have no idea how much I need for Kylie. She’s special.

  Officer Kim: I’m sure she is.

  He smiled at me in a way that suggested he was simply placating me. Inhaling deeply, I decided to further explain.

  me: She was born early. Very early. While she will outgrow all of her issues, right now, she requires a lot of care, a lot of medical supplies. It’s not so long ago that she was on oxygen 24 hours a day. She needs nebulizer treatments and uses a feeding tube, since she won’t take anything by mouth. She’s had numerous surgeries for her eyes. Yes, the glasses are real.

  Somehow, I must have been getting through to him. He was studying Kylie with a new appreciation. He was looking at me differently as well.

  me: I love my husband. This man...this is not the man I fell in love with.

  Officer Kim: He said that he’s been working a lot lately.

  I shook my head.

  me: He was working a lot until two weeks ago. Since then, he’s only been taking odd jobs here and there. His last job ended badly. We had to file a lien for $18,000 against the contractor who hired him. It has been very stressful. And Kylie is a lot of work. I get that.

  Officer Kim: He said you don’t work, that everything is on him.

  I’m pretty sure I smirked then.

  me: I’m self-employed, just like him. I work with him, I am a writer, and I raise our daughter. Believe me, he may earn more, but he doesn’t work as hard as I do.

  Officer Kim: Obviously this could go on all night. Where will you be going?

  me: I have a friend in Atlanta…

  Officer Kim: You need to stay locally. Where can you stay?

  We wandered out the door through the garage while I contemplated that question. Friendship as an adult is different from friendship as a child. My friends...are all over, but mostly not here. I grew up in the Adirondacks. For the past twelve years, I have lived here in Charlotte, but given that I quit my last out of the home job years ago and have been working from the comfort of the great room ever since, I had few friends locally. Because of Shane’s mood swings, we had even fewer now than we had before.

  me: Where should I stay locally? Would you like me across the street or next door? Otherwise, my best friends are in Raleigh and Atlanta.

  He studied my face. I knew that for the first time since his arrival, I was at risk of bursting into tears. It was too much, to finally have the guts to make this drastic change, to seek out the help that we so desperately needed, only to have my hopes dashed before I even managed to get out of the driveway.

  Officer Kim: Where is your family?

  While I had my younger sister, Brynn, living an hour away, because she was ten years younger, she was more like my child. She didn’t have room for us, not in her living situation and therefore was not an option.

  me: New York and Florida. Any chance you will let me go stay with one of them?r />
  Officer Kim: There’s nowhere to stay here? There must be someone.

  Thinking, I knew I really had one option left. We had one set of friends left, a couple who lived just outside of Charlotte in Mint Hill. The problem was that they were his, not mine. He brought them into the relationship, having known them since they were all teens.

  me: The only local friends I have left...are his. He’ll be furious.

  Officer Kim: Listen, just call. If they don’t answer, you can go stay in a hotel instead.

  me: Did you miss the part about the $18,000 lien? We’re pretty much broke at the moment. I get paid once a month.

  Still, I called Lily. Under duress. The minute she answered, the officer reached for the phone. This wouldn’t be too awkward. Awesome.

  Though he took the phone out into the garage to talk, I could still hear what he was saying. Even though it wasn’t his intention, I felt...unwanted, unloved, pathetic. It took everything in me to keep my head held high, to retain any pride, any sense of dignity. This was not my life.

  Soon, he passed the phone back.

  Lily: I’m just down the road at my mom’s house picking up Isaac. Do you need me to come over and take anything back to the house with me?

  me: Thank you for doing this. I’m so sorry for hauling you into the middle. It wasn’t my idea.

  I stared at the officer with a scowl. I had a plan. Julia was expecting me. We ended the call with the promise that Lily would be here in a few minutes to help me move what I needed. I would load my vehicle and meet her at the house after. With that settled, I decided to head back inside to pack.

  Both officers were in the great room now. I placed Kylie in her bouncer so that I would have two hands as I packed all the medical supplies on the cart and the machinery in the great room. I had to gather syringes and medicine. Kylie needed cases of formula. As I worked, I could hear Shane complaining.

  Shane: Does this look like she’s only packing for one night?He was right. I had no plans to come back. Knowing how he thought, I knew I should take as much as I could haul. I might never get back in the house to get anything else.