Brood X: A Firsthand Account of the Great Cicada Invasion Read online

  “You can be excited,” said the cop. “You can’t break the law.”

  “Guess we all have to do what…” He looked at the officer’s nametag. “Simon says.”

  “You’re too dependent on your cell phone. Try powering down for a while. It’ll be a revelation.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Seth said, not trying too hard to piss off the cop. “Gimme the ticket.”

  The officer walked back to his car.

  “You are being so rude,” Lara whispered angrily. “You have to relax. Besides,” she said with giddiness, “what will Hector think?” She patted her belly.

  A slow smile tugged at Seth’s mouth. She always knew how to jolly him out of his sullen mood. She was a good wife in that she never compounded his misery. If something was bothering him, Lara would never dare put salt on the wound—unless, of course, it was about her family. She would do anything for her side. He had to admit she was fair; she always protected his mom as well. Someone had to. After all, his mom was alone, and Lara felt bad for her because she was a perfect daughter and chose to be a perfect daughter-in-law too.

  Seth snapped back to his foul mood and looked back at the cop. “What’s the hold up with this guy?”

  The officer returned and handed Seth the ticket.

  “Eight hundred dollars!” Seth was outraged. “You should be ashamed.”

  The cop saluted Seth and made his way back to his squad car. Seth wasn’t done mocking though. He always wanted to get the last word in, even if he knew he was wrong.

  “Well, there goes our boy’s college education,” Seth said a little louder than he should have. “Looks like apprenticeship, son. Think he’ll be a good shoemaker or a mechanic?”

  Lara giggled. Seth handed her the ticket, and she put it in her purse.

  Seth said in a condescending tone, “Give up your cell phone. The nerve of these people.”

  He started the car in a huff and continued their drive.

  Chapter 2

  Heed

  “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

  - Will Rogers

  “I said action.” Lara and Seth were in their small but cozy den. A seventy-inch flat screen lit up the room. Lara was draped across her end of the light green couch. It was tough to distinguish where her skin started and where the couch ended.

  “Yuck,” Lara moaned, “I’m still nauseous. The crackers did nothing.” Resting on a huge pillow, she buried her head in her arms.

  “Come on, Lar. You look beautiful. I want to show off our two-month baby bump. Zebidiah will want to see it.”

  “You skipped X,” Lara said as a matter of fact.

  “No I didn’t. I called him Xenia at breakfast.”

  “Xenia’s a girl’s name.”

  “No girl’s names allowed,” said Seth. “So then we’ll call him Xenio.”

  “That’s a made-up name,” Lara said, lifting her head up. She was a little more congested now. Never having suffered with allergies, the pregnancy created hormonal surges that had the weirdest results. Her nose was stuffed up. “We said no made-up names.”

  “You said Hercules!” Seth accused.

  “Hercules isn’t a made-up name.”

  “It was a movie character played by Ah-nold. That would be like me saying Frodo.”

  “Hercules was still a real person. Frodo was a Hobbit…why are we fighting about this?”

  She scratched an itch on her side and slowly pulled herself off the couch. Straightening up, she lifted a gray sweatshirt revealing a perfect baby bump.

  “You look like Angelina Jolie. Only shorter. And with smaller lips. And no tattoos...”

  “And no Brad Pitt,” Lara interrupted. “I don’t think the whole pregnancy thing is fair. The universe must really hate women for doing this to us. You get distinguished as you get older. We get dowdy. We get periods, leg and chin hair. What do you get?”

  “We get to be heroes to our pregnant wives.”

  “I have to push a watermelon out of my vagina, Seth.” Lara sniffed. “If that's not superhuman, I don’t know what is.”

  “Yeah, but we...”

  A special news report flashed on the television in red, and for a moment their argument stopped.

  “Shush. Did something happen?” Lara interrupted him.

  “I have no idea,” replied Seth. “Don’t you think Iron Man could deliver a baby too?”

  “Seth, I want to watch this.” She turned her attention to the television.

  “Welcome back to our special report, ‘Infestation—The New Reality. ’” The news anchor sat in the studio, her face grim.

  “Isn’t Jeopardy on?” said Seth.

  “Stop,” said Lara. “She looks pretty serious.”

  “Infestation? Are they talking about those stupid bed bugs again?”

  An image of a beautiful garden was displayed on TV. The anchor continued, “In just a few months, the trees will be turning a leafy green. The flowers, ready to bloom. It looks like those beady-eyed bugs are arriving in time for summer. These bugs are not going to bring the gentle summer sounds this year. Here’s Ted Logan with our top story.”

  Lara batted Seth and his camera away while documentary footage played of cicadas on trees.

  “Their noise can be deafening,” the voice said over the footage. “Their erratic flight paths and their presence, simply unwelcome.”

  The reporter walked up the steps of a convenience store in a small town on Long Island. Holding up a mike to an older man wearing a VFW cap, he started asking questions. The man looked annoyed.

  “Yeah, I’m ready for them,” he stated firmly. “They come every year.”

  “While they do come every year, this year is going to be quite different. They are gross, they crawl and fly. Like it or not, Brood Ten is coming, by the billions, and staying around all summer long. As the weather warms up, so does their activity.”

  Ted turned to interview a young girl with braces. She was camera shy and awkward. “Are you scared?” Clusters of people surrounded the mike.

  “I don’t like the noise they make,” the girl said with a distressed voice.

  “That’s their distinctive mating call. Because we’re expecting so many of them, it’s going to be louder than ever before,” the reporter said.

  “That’s really scary,” the girl replied.

  Ted, a textbook and gruff news reporter, scanned the outskirts of a wooded area with microphone in hand

  “Brood Ten is like no other infestation. It is a species of cicadas with the greatest range and concentration of any other insect. Its invasion zone is expected to stretch north of Boston to south of DC. After being asleep for nearly two decades, emergence from the deep soil is inevitable.”

  An extreme close-up of a cicada was displayed on TV. It took over the whole screen with its large, protruding red eyes and thick black body. The well-veined wings fluttered, its shivering body making a familiar rattle and hum.

  “Eew. They’re creepy,” said Lara.

  “So you really like the names Jacob or Edward?” said Seth, still in his own world.

  “Gross.” Lara’s eyes were glued to the program.

  “I know. I hated Twilight too.”

  “I’m not talking about Twilight.” She pointed emphatically to the television. “I’m talking about those hideous things on TV.”

  “Haven’t you seen a cicada before?” Seth said calmly. “They are always here in the summer.”

  “No,” Lara noted abruptly. “Well, I never noticed them before.”

  The interview began with a local somewhere in upstate New York. Ted held the microphone up.

  “Have you ever heard of a cicada?” asked Ted.

  “Of course,” the man replied. “They come out at the beginning of summer.”

  Lara looked at Seth through the corner of her eye. He smirked knowingly at Lara. “See.”

  “Cicadas are those bugs that make a rattlesnake sound toward the end of the season.
”

  “Locusts?” the man questioned.

  “No, sir, cicadas are not locusts. People often confuse both insects. Are you preparing for an emergence of Brood Ten this summer? Our prediction is for billions of cicadas to emerge from under the ground.”

  This threw the man for a loop. He started showing signs of restlessness. “Well, now you’ve gone and mentioned about the cicada, how do you prepare for something like that?” He ended this question with a laugh that ended up as a wheeze.

  The screen cut to a professor’s office. Benjamin Hawkner, a noted entomologist, filled the screen. He was gangly with a shock of bright red hair, his face filled with freckles. He looked more like Carrot Top than a world-renowned scientist. Wearing a white lab coat, he nervously played with his pair of horn-rimmed glasses. Behind him was a large poster of a cicada with all its vitals identified. Every organ had a tiny definition next to it. He had rows of display cases with thousands of insects pinned to boards.

  Dr. Hawkner spoke directly into the camera. “Despite our advanced civilization and technology, cicadas represent a reminder that there are certain things in nature beyond our control. Unfortunately we cannot do anything to stop this emergence and coming invasion. I expect ten to twenty million per square mile throughout the entire Northeast.”

  “This is creeping me out.” Lara nodded to the scientist.

  “He’s creeping me out,” Seth said.

  “Are they dangerous?” Ted questioned, taking the words right out of Lara’s mouth.

  “Cicadas do not generally bite but may mistake a person’s skin for a tree. Cicadas have a long proboscis or snout under their head, which they implant into bark and plant stems in order to feed on sap. It can be quite excruciating if they attempt to pierce a person’s skin with it.”

  “Female cicadas on the other hand will attempt to lay their eggs everywhere, even a person’s skin. This could cause agonizing pain. Using a stinger,” he said and pointed to the enlarged illustration of the insect’s stinger, “called the ovipositor, the females of the species make an incision and insert roughly five hundred eggs into the slit.”

  “Yikes!” Seth shuddered. “That’s gotta hurt.”

  Ted asked the scientist, “Cicadas come every year, why is this Brood different?”

  Dr. Hawkner paused for a minute then sighed and explained, “This Brood is different because they have been dormant for nearly two decades. Building strength and resistance to predators, they will be tunneling en masse and I’m fearful we will not be able to handle the multitudes.”

  As the scientist continued to prep the viewers, Seth leaned in and pressed his thumb on Lara’s neck, buzzing loudly.

  Lara shrieked and ran away screaming. Seth was now lying on the couch, rolling with laughter. She was such an easy mark.

  Lara stood in the doorway. “You suck! That was so mean, Seth.” She was clearly pissed with her husband.

  Seth just laughed harder. “Oh, come on, Lar! Can’t you take a joke? It’s a bug, a tiny insect. We crush bugs!”

  “Are you deaf or just stupid?” Lara asked. “Apparently there is a cicada disaster on the horizon, but you could give two shits.”

  “No, Lara. I don’t give one shit.”

  “Oh, big man, Seth. What about the baby?” she whined.

  Seth’s eyes softened behind the camera as he looked at his nervous wife. He knew she was a nut when it came to safety, but this, Seth believed, was just absolutely ridiculous.

  “I planted my eggs in you and it made you pretty happy,” Seth said in a cocky tone.

  “Idiot. It was sperm.”

  “Sperm, eggs, what’s the difference.” Then, in an imitation she’d heard one too many times of a foreign dictator, Seth piped, “I veel take zees bugs and crush zem as da vermin zey are!”

  This time around, his humor was lost on Lara.

  “Cut it out Seth.”

  “Wasn’t there a swarm of locusts that recently invaded Egypt? I read that on Google News. C’mon Lara, it ended up being a footnote in world events. Remember those annoying stinkbugs that appeared out of nowhere last year? We paid that guy four hundred dollars to get rid of them.”

  They could both try and jolly each other out of their misery, but the news made the situation a bit too serious. He could find a job anytime. They could afford to get by, just barely. But that didn’t worry Lara. What worried her was the information she had just heard.

  How in the world was she going to have a baby with an infestation of this magnitude? Lara folded her arms across her chest clearly out of patience with her juvenile husband. She pivoted and stormed off.

  ***

  Seth lay dozing on the couch, Oprah droning on in the background. He was in the beautiful twilight place of not quite sleep, but not quite awake. The most restful place he could be. The blare of a horn startled him and he cursed loudly and thoroughly.

  Realizing the sound was coming from his own garage he knew that it only meant trouble. Lara would never do that unless there was a problem. He sprinted for the door without even putting on shoes. It was cold outside. Lara sat frozen in the front seat, her eyes dilated with fear, a giant yellow lab resting his paws on the driver side window. Panting playfully, long strands of drool ran a giant spider web from his snout to the car.

  “Casey,” Seth walked down and grabbed the dog by a red bandana collar. “Lara, what’s the matter with you. It’s only Casey, Jeff and Cathy’s dog.”

  She shook her head. “Casey’s a puppy.” She wasn’t going to come out until the dog was gone.

  “I’ve got him, Lar. It really is Casey. He’s a big boy now. Come on out, he won’t hurt you.”

  She slowly opened the door and the dog went wild with excitement. Seeing Lara’s unease, Seth restrained the dog. “Down boy. He likes you, Lar. He wants to play.”

  “Well I don’t want to play with him.” She protectively covered her belly.

  “You didn’t mind last summer.”

  “He was half the size and calmer. Take him across the street. I don’t want him to jump on me,” she ordered petulantly.

  She was crabby today.

  “Tired?”

  “So tired. I don’t even want to eat. I’ll see you later. I’m going to lie down,” Lara yawned.

  “You okay, babe?” Seth asked with a hint of alarm.

  Lara smiled. “Yep, it’s your son that’s wearing me out. You take care of dinner, do you mind? I don’t care what you make.”

  “Consider it done. But first I am taking this young man back to his parents.”

  Seth walked across the street to the neighbor and tapped their door.

  Cathy, a forty something, slightly overweight, blond reached out and took the dog by the collar.

  “What happened?” she smiled indulgently at her dog.

  “He frightened Lara. She didn’t realize it was Casey. He got so big.”

  “He’s a monster. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with him. He disappeared into Jimmy’s yard yesterday and his mom really complained.”

  “Better get him spade,” Seth offered. She cocked her head at him. “Calms them down. They’re not as frisky,” he continued.

  “Ouch. I don’t know if I really want to do that to him. I mean it feels cruel. He’s harmless,” Cathy responded. “Jeff’s in the back, you want some coffee?”

  “Thanks, I gotta go.” Seth shrugged and patted the dog on his head. “Yeah, but think about the neutering, Cath, it keeps them out of trouble. Say hello to Jeff.” He turned and wondered briefly if Lara would enjoy eggs for dinner.

  Chapter 3

  Prep

  “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

  - Steven Wright

  “Hi, Mom.” Seth answered the phone while he was eating a salami sandwich. “Yup, fine. Nope, nope. Been there. I got months of unemployment left.”

  Lara walked into the room, mouthing, “Who’s that?” as she pointed to the phone. The camera was charging on the counter.

  �
�Lara says hi, Mom.”

  Lara rolled her eyes. Seth motioned for the receiver, and Lara fervently shook her head no.

  “Yeah,” he smiled, “she’s cute. No, we don’t want to know.” There was a long pause. “Because. Because we just don’t. Look, Ma, you can do things your way; I do things my way. Yup, Lara agreed. Do you want to ask her?”

  Lara held out both her hands in terror and shook her head negatively.

  Seth still held out the receiver to her. Lara took it with defeat.

  She perked up and said cheerily, “Hi, Maureen. Great. We’re great. Soon, getting big.” She stared daggers at Seth, who picked up the camera and happily filmed her.

  “Thanks, but I picked out a crib. Yeah, we bought it. Why? Seth says it’s nothing to worry about. Um…like the killer bees in Arizona. They come and they go. Yes, I know, you’ll come the first week of September. Yes, my parents will be gone. Of course you can bring Roy. I don’t have a problem...”

  Seth muttered, “Ugh!” and Lara warned him to be quiet with a finger over her lips.

  “Of course you can be Nana. My mom will be fine with that. Yes, yes. Ha, you’re funny. OK, bye now. Love ya.”

  “What was that all about?” asked Seth.

  “She’s heard about the impending cicada outbreak. She was a little nervous.”

  “My mom was nervous?”

  “Hard to believe but she asked if we want to come out there for a while.”

  “No, no, a thousand times no!”

  Lara smiled. “Eventually we are going to have to visit her.” She started going through their mail. “Look, this one’s for you.”

  She handed him a flyer on bug extermination. “It says here they can do something about the infestation.”

  “Yeah, sure, and so could I for a thousand bucks!”

  “I’m just saying,” Lara retorted.

  “Look at these prices. I’m going back to school to become an exterminator.” Seth scanned the price sheet.

  Lara kept handing him envelopes.

  “Look at all this stuff.” He leafed through a ton of mail. “Chimney caps to prevent bug home invasion, repellent. Look at this one, cute cozies to cover the bottom of the door so the bugs can’t get in. Ha, Lara, this guy created a cicada jail.” In a huckster’s voice he read the ad, “Bug out with Bugster’s. They’ve created a cottage industry out of this.”