Brood X: A Firsthand Account of the Great Cicada Invasion Read online

  “And I can butter your buns.” She spun around and quickly kissed him back. “No, I think not. Chicken cutlets, skinless. And dry vegetables for you, my boy. We want to stay healthy.” She gave him a tender smile.

  “We? When did you become French? Oui, we?”

  “I’d like to see France one day.” Her large blue eyes misted over. Seth looked at his wife, really looked at his wife. She was gorgeous. Snow White in the flesh. Her porcelain skin glowed, jet black hair, ruby red lips, and she was all his.

  “Why, why, why? I ask you for the thousandth time. Why do we want to stay healthy?” Seth whined as he backed away. “So we give up red meat, wheat, butter, pasta, and sugar. What’s left?”

  “Bulgur,” said Lara.

  “Then instead of dessert, to top it off we run and run and run. For what, I have no friggin’ idea. A few extra days? Months, maybe? By the time you give everything up, death looks like a picnic.”

  “Stop that. How did the interview go?” Lara questioned.

  “How d’ya think?” He dropped the camera on the kitchen counter. It was a partial picture, just their torsos.

  “Do you think they’ll call you back?” Lara asked hopefully.

  “Nah. I left. I saw all these old salesmen types. You know, like Willy Loman, the loser from Death of a Salesman— blech! I even saw some Glengarry Glen Ross Realtors there too. It was too depressing. They need a job more than me.”

  “We need you to get a job,” she implored.

  “Something will turn up. Someday.” Seth started picking at the chopped vegetables. They were tasteless. She was really the worst cook in the world.

  Lara sighed gustily and replied, “Someday is not a day of the week.” She tried hard not to show her disappointment.

  Lara knew he didn’t want to work. He never seemed this lazy when they were dating. But two years into marriage, his passion for his job seemed to recede.

  “Why do you have a camera?”

  “Sex tape.”

  “Why do you have a camera?” Lara persisted. “You’re jobless, and you still went out and bought a camera.”

  “I tried Mitch’s camera. I loved it! Look at this thing. We can be like Kim and Kanye. Kimye! Lara and Seth. Lareth! Or Sera.”

  Lara didn’t know what to say. Water boiled over and broke the uncomfortable silence.

  “Can I help you look for a job?” Lara said in a small voice as she turned off the stove.

  “You can help me dip shrimp tempura rolls in soy sauce.” He looked over at the boiling pot of veggies. “Ruined! The vegetables are ruined!” he shouted dramatically. “Ruined, I say! Save me from a bad meal.” He dropped to his knees. “Save me, Lara.” Then in a pathetic voice, “Puh-lease.”

  “You’re impossible. I mean, I have to deal with twenty screaming eight-year-olds all day and then one big eight-year-old all night.” She brushed his light brown curls from his forehead. She loved his jade green eyes and the scruffy day-old beard he was sporting.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. And a stupid camera too!” She shut off the oven, defeated, and turned to go into the direction of the bedroom.

  “Wait here, I have something special for you.” She smiled slyly.

  Seth snatched the camera from the counter. Glancing back, she noticed Seth was now filming her tush. “Stop filming my behind.” He moved the camera slowly up her beautiful body.

  “Now!” She smiled with as much seriousness as she could muster. Lara quickly left.

  “Sushi time!” Seth roared. He smirked to himself, thinking he always got his way. Lara was so easy.

  “Turn it on, Seth!” Lara was screaming from the other room.

  “What? Turn you on? Lareth, here I come,” he called back.

  “Turn on the camcorder!” Her voice was louder, almost shrill.

  “It is on. I never turned it off.”

  “Get ready. I have a surprise,” Lara crooned.

  With images of his wife in the kinky, crotchless maid outfit he bought for Valentine’s Day, Seth readied the lens for her entrance. He was thinking of where they could screw. They’d had sex dozens of times on the kitchen table. He wanted today to be different. He wanted to film the entire thing. Seth thought the camera actually turned her on. Screwing on film for the first time. “Well, well, well, this is gonna be great,” he said to himself.

  He wondered if the cologne he put on in the morning before the interview would have lasted this long. “Thank goodness I showered today,” he thought. Seth was ready for sex. No foreplay. No kissing. Just a hot wife willing to drop to her knees at the sight of Seth holding the camera.

  Lara spun into view. No kinky crotchless underwear. No thigh-highs. Not even her leather miniskirt. She was still in the same yoga pants and white T-shirt. It didn’t matter to Seth. He would still have sex with his wife even if she didn’t shower for a week. He loved the hell out of her. He would have enjoyed her more right now if she was naked, but he would screw her any which way she wanted for the first time on camera.

  “Ta-da!” Lara held up a pink wand looking like Vanna White revealing the answer on Wheel of Fortune.

  “Whaaaat?” Seth looked for a clue and came up with nothing. “Is that a vibrator?” he said, hopelessly titillated.

  “What?” Lara said, shocked those words could have come from her husband’s mouth. “Seth!” she hissed.

  “We can use a vibrator for our first porno. I’m cool with that.”

  “What!?”

  “What’s up, baby?”

  “That’s right!” Lara’s face shifted from pissed to a euphoric grin. “Baby.”

  Seth didn’t get it. She tried again.

  “Baby!” she shouted and waltzed around the room, waving the wand. “No sushi, caffeine, or alcohol…”

  “No sushi, caffeine, or…what the fu…”

  “I took an EPT test earlier. You know, just because I’ve been so erratic lately.”

  “What the fu…”

  “Yes, Seth,” she smiled, her whole face lighting up as she looked into the camera. “They say babies bring luck.”

  Seth slowly stood up. She didn’t know whether he was going to cry with tears of happiness or tears of sorrow. Their marriage had been a bit more difficult lately, especially with Seth out of work. Lara had daydreamed about this moment since the first day she met him.

  However, in that scenario Seth was working and making a ton of money. She was unsure of his reaction. They’d dealt with pressure before, especially the wedding. Lara’s family wanted to run the whole show from Arizona, complete with circus clowns and a rodeo. Both he and Lara had wanted something more low-key, but she couldn’t say no to her parents. They had strange parental guilt tactics and usually ended up controlling any and all situations.

  Trying to be as cute as possible, Lara wiggled her butt around the room to lighten the impact for Seth. His reaction could have gone either way.

  He approached her. Lara had a quick vision in her head of Seth as a new father. She pursed her lips and thought, “Maybe, just maybe, this will make him grow up.”

  Seth wrapped his arms around Lara and faced the camera so they were both in the picture. “If I had any more luck, Lara, I’d be a leprechaun.”

  She looked into his eyes and asked earnestly, “Are you happy?”

  He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, and the tip of her nose. “I am the happiest man alive.”

  That was why Lara really loved him so much. He understood her, really cared. Nestling in his embrace, she felt warm and protected. He had a cavemanish thing going. Lara adored him. She would adore his baby. A job would come when it came. Right now, she was the happiest she had felt in a while.

  Looking into the lens of the camera, Seth stated, “It was fate that I bought this camera today, son.”

  Lara looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

  “Son?” Lara asked. “Who are you talking to?”

  “I am making a documentary for our son.” He pointed
the lens at Lara’s very flat stomach. “Your first picture, my boy, and you didn’t even have to wait in line at Sears. So let’s see. It’s November now, Alvin.”

  “Wait, what?” said Lara as she backed slowly away. “Alvin? I don’t think so, and what makes you so sure it’s a boy?”

  “That’s what I do, ma’am.” Seth hitched up his pants and drawled like a cowboy. “I make boys. Back to my documentary. Your mom doesn’t like Alvin... how about Brutus?”

  “Brutus?” Lara remarked. “Seth, we live in Oyster Bay not Rome during Caesar’s rule.”

  “Well, I have a whole alphabet to test out. As I was saying November, December, January...” He counted the remainder of the months with his free hand. “I’d say, Clem, you’re going to be a summer baby. Yep. By my expert calculations, I think we can expect an August arrival.”

  “Seth, stop.” Lara pushed the camcorder away from her midsection. “We’re not naming our kid Clem. That’s crazy. And radiation is not good for the baby.”

  “This thing doesn’t emit radiation.”

  “Seth.” Lara tried to get serious with him. Stroking his arms, feeling maternal, she looked into his eyes and said softly, “If I have to lug him around for nine months, his name is my choice. Names are important. They define a person. We have to really think about it,” she said solemnly. “I want a perfect pregnancy.”

  “Everything about you is perfect. Let’s go get supplies.”

  Finally an action plan she approved. Supplies were good, and besides, they could use some junk food in the house.

  “I need ice cream and potato chips,” said Lara.

  “What about your frozen veggie mix?”

  ***

  Dressed warmly, they exited the front door into the early evening. Seth was still filming her delicious ass in her yoga pants. The Ugg boots added an even sexier appeal, not to mention the North Face jacket and slouchy wool hat. Seth knew she was perfect for him. The fact that now he pictured her holding his baby, that there were three people leaving the house, made Seth all the happier. “Yes,” he thought, “I feel happy.” It was a novel idea. He hadn’t felt content for a long time.

  The midsize Mercedes SUV was generally parked in the garage, but Seth had wanted to test out his new toy around the front of the house. He liked making a grand entrance.

  As they entered the car, Seth handed the camera off to Lara. She obliged and took it from him.

  “It can’t just be the Lara show. Dexter will want to see his father when he watches this.”

  “You are not picking the names anymore.”

  “Dexter is a classic name. He sounds like a professional poker player already. I could see him winning the world series.”

  “Dexter is a murderer!” Lara looked him straight in the eye and questioned, “Dexter Fletcher?” They both shook their heads and said “nah” together.

  They headed down their quaint street and turned left onto the main drag of Oyster Bay. Small mom-and-pop shops filled the homey shopping center. Streetlights started popping on, giving the community an embracing quality. There were no franchises. Most stores were boutiques opened by bored women whose husbands worked like dogs. There was the ubiquitous Starbucks, which was packed with after work latte drinkers.

  A music school, art school, “Lil’ Chef” school—Seth had never noticed so many storefronts dedicated to children. Who paid for all that stuff? Where were they going to get it from? Maybe they’d have to give up the Benz for a cheaper car. Minivan, anyone? Seth’s warm and fuzzy feeling from a minute ago started to evaporate.

  He considered what his mother provided for him: a bed, food, and a slap when he whined. No, no, his son was going to be brought up around the finer things in life. More than that, he resolved to find patience. His son would be brought up in a much nicer home than the one where he came from. He looked across at Lara, his eyes softening. She would see to that. He caressed her knee and she giggled, her eyes playful. Yup, this was going to be great.

  “Whaddya say, burger first?” Seth said as he wiggled his eyebrows at her. “We need red meat. Let’s go to the diner.”

  “S’mores... I could really go for s’mores. In fact,” she continued, “I think I’m craving them.”

  “I can tell you one thing, Lara Chaney Fletcher, my boys can swim.”

  “Watch the road, Mr. Dad.”

  “Dad. I like it. Wait.” Seth picked up his cell phone. “I gotta let Neil know.”

  Lara didn’t want to hear the name Neil. The evening was going perfectly. Seth’s reaction was great. But every time he spoke to Neil, he just got stupid. Really stupid.

  This was the same Neil who taught Lara’s husband how to do a keg stand the first night she met Seth in college.

  “Neil. Neil? Really? Don’t you think we should call your mother and my parents first? I know my parents are going to want to fly out for this.”

  “Just the reason not to call them. I think we should notify them sometime next September. By snail mail. We’ll stop at the post office. Get some stamps.”

  “You are unreal,” said Lara. “Telling your friend before we tell family.”

  Seth gripped the steering wheel with his knee. He started banging out a text message to his friend. The car swerved, snapping Lara out of her epic pout.

  “Please be careful,” Lara begged. “I don’t want to crash and die with a zygote in my belly because you have the sudden urge to call the kid who slept with all your ex-girlfriends.”

  “And you should be happy he did, my dear,” Seth replied. “If he didn’t, maybe I would have ended up with one of them, living a horribly miserable existence. Instead I have my sweet honey and my son, Dawson, sitting with me.”

  “We did the letter D already.”

  “Sorry, Ebenezer.”

  Lara snorted. She could never tell when Seth was joking or when he was serious. There was no possible way he was naming his kid Ebenezer. Right?

  The cell phone rang in the car, and Neil’s name popped up on Seth’s cell screen as he showed it off to Lara.

  “Our first call!” Seth said, trying to get his wife more involved. “Do you want to let him know?”

  “I would rather tell a stranger.”

  Lara got a knot in her stomach. She knew it wasn’t because of the pregnancy. She hated when Seth was trying to reenact his college days.

  She sank into her typical hushed anger. Ignoring her, he touched “accept” and put the phone up to his ear.

  “For Chrissake, use your Bluetooth,” said Lara. “You’re gonna get a ticket.”

  “Dude!” the voice boomed through the other side of the phone. Neil was so loud that Lara could hear every word sitting in the passenger seat.

  “I know!” roared Seth. “Dude. Dude! Really, dude. Seems like only yesterday we were in Hell Week. Now check me out!”

  Hell Week was the final week of pledging at Long Island University. Seth and Neil had formed a special bond. They were both womanizers and loved to flirt with all the freshman girls. Sleeping with one of these guys was a rite of passage for any newbie in college.

  But Lara saw something different in Seth. She trusted him and felt protected by him.

  Seth was beaming. Lara was steaming.

  A police siren blared in the background. Lara turned to see the flashing red and blue lights.

  “Seth, you’re being pulled over!” exclaimed a nervous Lara. “Hang up the phone!” she urged.

  Seth glanced through the rearview mirror. “Shit,” he said. “I gotta jump. Sorry, man. Cop nailed me. Later.”

  Lara was relieved the conversation didn’t last more than thirty seconds, hating it when they spoke. She had him now, and she wasn’t sharing him with some loser who wasn’t even thinking about growing up, moving on, or getting married. Neil was not a good influence.

  Seth looked at Lara. He had seen her face like that before. He wasn’t going to give the furrowed brow behind the camera a chance to discipline him.

  “Don’t e
ven think of saying it,” said Seth with innocent eyes. “Ebenezer shouldn’t hear you demean his father.”

  He said the name Ebenezer a little more seriously now. Lara thought he was really considering such a weird name. Seth liked keeping Lara on her toes; it was a very primal relationship. He just loved to mess with her. She was so gullible, he thought with a grin.

  “Don’t worry,” he confided. “I got this.”

  The police officer leaned down and knocked his knuckle on the window. Seth pressed the button, and the window glided down. Clean-shaven with aviator glasses covering his eyes, the officer had a cushy job giving young upwardly mobile brats tickets in this community.

  “Papers,” the officer demanded tonelessly.

  “Scissors,” came the pithy reply.

  Seth motioned cutting paper with two fingers. “Scissors beats paper. Paper loses. Scissors wins, yay.” He smiled sweetly up at the officer and looked at his nametag. “Officer Simon.”

  Lara poked Seth, but he was immune to common sense.

  The officer was not amused either. “It is illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving,” said the officer. “Papers, sir.”

  “Officer Simon, I was relaying some exciting news to my buddy.” Seth lifted Lara’s left arm like a champion. “My missus just announced she’s pregnant.”

  Officer Simon narrowed his eyes. “License and registration. Now,” was the terse reply.

  Seth dropped Lara’s arm. Apparently the officer wasn’t as delighted as Seth expected. Leaning over, he shuffled through the papers in the glove compartment. “I don’t know why they call it a glove compartment,” he grumbled. “I don’t use gloves.”

  “Calm down,” Lara urged.

  Seth responded in a stage whisper. “I am calm. He is ruining the moment. I hope you’re filming this for Fredrich.”

  Lara was miserable that a cop had stopped their car, but she had to admit she was more relieved that Seth appeared to be over the name Ebenezer. She thought for a second about Fredrich but only hoped he was still joking.

  Seth snapped out the vehicle papers to the officer. Visibly annoyed, he unbuckled his seat belt and dove deep into his pocket. He yanked his wallet from his jeans, slipped out his beat-up driver’s license, and handed it to the cop. “I couldn’t help it, I was excited.”