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  You encounter opportunities to identify as either master or victim every day, such as when someone cuts in front of you in line or cuts you off on the highway; when a coworker gets mad for no apparent reason; when a family member avoids your calls; or when armed guards confiscate your passport. Fortunately, these are all invitations to look at the bigger picture. You get to decide if your perception will be one of victimization or one of mastery.

  The Victim at Work

  When the victim is at work, “life happens to you”. When I went through the experience in Bolivia, I felt my own “victim-at-work” tendency kick in. It presented itself in questions such as, “Why is this happening to me? Why are these guards doing this to us? What if there is nothing we can do to stop this?” When the victim is at work, we are simply reacting to situations. In such a case, we assume we are powerless, that someone or something is dominating us. In my case, while the situation may have been somewhat out of our control, I still had a choice in how to respond.

  Our passports had been taken. That was out of our hands, but I still had the choice of how to interpret the situation and what kind of identity I would take on in response. The crucial decision—to become The Victim or The Master—has to do with the response to what happened, not what actually took place. We may have in us a natural tendency to react in a certain way to situations. This quick reactivity tends to be defensive and often keeps us safe. However, to identify as a victim for too long or too frequently is dangerous. It leads to continued weakness, disempowerment, resentment, fear, and paralysis. Learn to recognize your default reactions (both natural and conditioned) and do something with them rather than be trapped by them.

  The Master at Work

  When we address our sense of victimization, we get the opportunity to master a situation. In the case of the missing passports, instead of feeling defeated by the situation, I would have been better off asking myself the following questions:

  What is in my control and what is not?

  In this moment, how much worse off am I, really?

  How does this offer me an opportunity to appreciate all that I do have?

  Most importantly, what kind of perception and identity am I choosing, and how is this serving me?

  What lessons can I learn from this?

  One of the lessons I took from my experience is to be more mindful and observant of my environment. I definitely could have checked into the border crossing process for that particular location where we crossed. It was a less frequented location, so I could have been more proactive in taking precautions. If you’re laughing because of how obvious this seems, you’re not alone.

  Second, concerning how one’s perception serves one’s situation, the perception of the master is constructive, and that of the victim is destructive. By choosing to master my situation, I was able to forge ahead, let go of the negativity that surrounded the situation, and articulate the lessons learned. There are always lessons.

  Ultimately, this event was a strong reminder that, regardless of circumstance, I get to choose what I do in response to circumstance. I could have made all sorts of decisions based on assumptions and emotions such as anger, indignation, self-pity, etc. Instead, I chose to evaluate what could be gained and how to let go.

  The 4 R’s – A Tool for Recognizing the Victim or the Master

  You may have already heard of the concept of React or Respond. The way I think of it is that reaction is your automatic/limited thought, statement, or action. It is involuntary. A response, by contrast, is a choice. A response is the statement or action made after greater awareness arrives. For example, your significant other makes a request you don’t appreciate after you’ve had a long, hard day, and your first impulse is to dismiss them, get angry, or maybe just grab a beer and head to the living room (reaction). The alternative is to take a breath, cultivate a question for them concerning what they need, or calmly explain your situation so that you and your significant other can discuss what needs to get done while being mindful of each other’s needs (response).

  That all sounds fine and dandy, right? The problem with this concept is that it may be too cerebral. The integration of awareness is missing. Unless we apply what we understand, that understanding is fruitless. This is another excellent example of how awareness of a concept will yield minimal impact on true change.

  The way to integrate an awareness of how you are either reacting or responding to a situation is to introduce two other R’s—Resistance vs Relaxation. Even though this concept may sound new to you, I promise this is familiar territory. Do this quick experiment:

  Think of a time when you have definitely reacted. Maybe the barista made your drink incorrectly and you were already late. Perhaps your boss barked an order at you or criticized you in a manner that was rude and uncalled for. Or the time your neighbor’s tree fell in your yard and you told them how you really felt about their stupid haircut.

  Once you have your scenario in mind, remember the sensations in your body. Possible sensations you may recall are: heat, heaviness, tension, or other areas of “resistance.” When your body is in a state of resistance, it’s hard to come up with a thoughtful “response.” We have all experienced resistance as a sensation in our life before, and we have felt stuck in a reaction mode because of it.

  Now, think of a time when you had to make a decision, but felt more at ease. You were probably able to think things through clearly or perhaps you had a productive conversation with someone about the decision. Remember how your body felt in this state. Sensations you may have noticed in this case may include a sense of fluid motion, a lightness, and a soft or relaxed feeling. This is the state we are in when we are able to respond rather than react. When our body and mind are in a relaxed state we have the flexibility of choice.

  Of course, the next question is, “How do I get there?” The answer, as you may have guessed, is practice. Having an insight into how your body feels is a start. Understanding the link between how you feel physically and how you choose to respond is a gateway to shifting patterns in your own behavior.

  Next time you are faced with a situation where you feel anger, hate, pity, self-doubt, or anything else unpleasant, ask yourself a question, “Am I The Victim or The Master?”

  Chapter 1 Activity

  There is constant opportunity to shift your standpoint from victim to master. The subtlety of our perceived victimization can be the most damaging because it is often the most consistent. Here is a chance to create, keep track of, and bring awareness to change! Start to log your shifts in perception. The more frequently you track your actions and shifts, the easier it will become. This activity will take two weeks.

  WEEK ONE

  Start by dividing a page into fourths. Label the first section, “Situation,” the second, “Victimized Reaction,” the third, “Masterful Response,” and the final one, “Victories.” In the “Situation” section, write down situations that forced you to decide between playing the victim and playing the master. In the “Victimized Reaction” section, log examples of how you reacted to situations when you took the identity of the victim. In the area labeled “Masterful Response,” write down an alternative response, one that would have made you master of the situation. Do this activity daily.

  WEEK TWO

  In the area labeled “Victories,” log instances when you actually did offer a masterful response. These will be times when you resisted taking on the role of victim, when you applied your heightened self-awareness, and took actions or made decisions that reflected the person you aspire to be. After some practice, you’ll find yourself jotting down more “Victories” than “Victimized Reactions.” You can always circle back to this activity and/or do it for longer periods of time if you need more practice.

  EXAMPLE

  Situation

  The barista took too long to make my double espresso I really needed before an important meeting I was running late for.

  Partner yelled at me for not picking up dog food a
t the store.

  Victimized Reaction

  I told her, “Hurry up, I don’t have all day.”

  Masterful Response

  I could have taken three deep breaths and remembered that she has a story I’m not aware of, one that may affect her efficiency.

  Victories

  Instead of yelling back, I calmly asked how she was doing in an attempt to understand her better. Then we made an agreement about how to move forward and set boundaries for communicating with each other more respectfully.

  2

  Building Motivation to Change

  When looking at building motivation to change, you first need to tap into your truest sense of self. Every person’s motivation to change is unique. We find true motivation in the intersection of what we are excited about (passion), what we find meaningful (purpose), what we have done (experience), and what we are good at (talent). The process starts with identifying where these areas uniquely intersect for you.

  I once read an article on how, in just twenty minutes, you can find your true calling by tapping into what you deeply connect with. It was a powerful writing exercise that basically had you brainstorming ideas until you wrote one down that moved you to tears. Discerning what truly moves you is the kind of motivation that can help you make successful change.

  That said, what truly motivates or moves us may not be obvious. I was once chatting with a client (we’ll call him Harry) about what kept him engaged and motivated in his work. He was quick to respond that he was motivated by making money. We discussed the importance of money and specifically what he liked to do with his. He mentioned his passion for mountain biking and photography, but above all, he said, he loved traveling. After more conversation, we discovered that for him money was, at best, a conduit for the freedom and adventure he experienced every time he traveled.

  In other words, an itch to explore played a greater role in his life than did economic concerns. When I asked Harry if he would take a job that offered more money but less vacation time he said he probably wouldn’t. This surprised him, given his initial response about being motivated primarily by money.

  I tell this story because understanding what really motivates us takes some serious introspection. You can write down intentions, mark your calendar, join a support group, and a million other things in the pursuit of your goals, but if you don’t have a true understanding of yourself, then you probably won’t get to where you want to go. Working toward change through authentic motivation will lead you to reach goals faster and more easily. If you haven’t yet identified the biggest driving factor behind the changes you desire, then the activities below will help you explore who you are and what motivates you.

  Exploring your preconceived notions about motivation and change is a great first step. You’ll have the chance to gain new insight in this chapter, but more importantly, you’ll learn how to apply this insight.

  Four Tips on Building Motivation Necessary for Change

  1. EXPLORE YOUR STRENGTHS

  In assessing what motivates you, consider your talents. We are drawn to do things we are good at. According to a 2009 article in The Journal of College and Character, research shows character strengths are linked to important aspects of social and individual well-being.4 Unclear about your strengths? Consider asking a person from five different areas of your life what they view as your strongest qualities. Yes, this may sound a bit intimidating, but I have witnessed firsthand the value of this exercise time and again. Sometimes, those close to us see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Ask family members, partners, friends, work colleagues, and members of your faith community. The inventory may bring up talents that you never noticed or considered a strength.

  2. IDENTIFY WHAT ENERGIZES YOU

  For three weeks take note of every time you feel excited, energized, or strongly driven in a particular area. Be open to these feelings in all areas of your life and times of the day. No matter where and when these moments occur Write. Them. Down.. After you have a list of experiences, see what themes emerge. These themes may be areas that you can refer to when building motivation to change a particular area of your life.

  3. TAKE A STAND

  Take a stand about those things that are truly meaningful to you. Consider which aspects of your life you pay particular attention to. What do you have a strong opinion about? What are your strongest passions? If it’s not obvious to you what your passions are, use the inventory from step number one to identify them. Understanding what you are passionate about will help you build authentic motivation.

  4. GET ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

  Still having trouble determining how to create authentic motivation? Consider looking into some kind of assessment tool or working with a professional coach. Taking an assessment can be a valuable place to start evaluating your unique strengths and challenges. For example, an assessment tool called Values Index explores one’s unique motivation profile based on seven primary dimensions. For more information about this tool, visit www.arcintegrated.com/coaching. This tool is a great resource for uncovering your truest motivation.

  REPS

  Reaching your goals can be tough, we all know that. But what about the particulars? How do you muster the resolve to continue with a goal after being on the verge of quitting? How do you cultivate the faith required to convince yourself that your hard work is moving you toward fulfillment instead of toward failure and frustration? How do you manage to stay motivated after you’ve reached the first part of the goal and celebration mutates into complacency? Staying motivated to reach new goals may take Reflection, Evaluation, Persistence, and Significance (REPS). During our progress toward a goal, we practice something over and over again; we are doing “reps” (short for repetitions). Just like in any change-making process, repetition of behaviors creates sustainability.

  WHY REPS IS IMPORTANT

  Reflection – It’s important to look at what got you to where you are and what lies ahead. Reflecting on progress toward a goal can be an effective way to clarify where you have come thus far and to foster a sense of accomplishment that will drive you forward. This examination will also help you identify what has kept you motivated, what has gotten in your way of accomplishing goals in the past, and, more specifically, which of your cognitive and behavioral patterns have helped or hindered your progress. This process may also lead to new goal setting, which is another benefit.

  Evaluation – It’s important to be clear about the details of the goal. What motivates you toward the goal, what do you gain from it, and what does it mean to you? Make sure that your progress toward realization is evident and measurable. You might consider writing down, voice recording or otherwise capturing answers to some or all of the following questions. Why you are starting this goal? What’s important about it? How do you imagine you will feel when you finish? What are the exact steps to completion? How can you be held accountable? As well as any other questions that may bring to light details that are important to consider, including strategies to avoid potential pitfalls. For instance, if your goal is to eat healthier and you know that your favorite donut place is on the way home from work every day, you might consider changing routes as part of your strategy. It’s often the missed details of a goal that trip us up along the way.

  Persistence – Accomplishing a difficult task often takes time. It certainly requires lots of effort. Stay strong, continue to work hard, dig deep, and certainly don’t quit something because you think you have mastered it. Change perspectives and learn how to bring the curiosity and enthusiasm of a beginner to the task. There is a Zen Buddhist concept that may be valuable to consider—Shoshin. Roughly, this translates to “beginner’s mind.” An attitude of openness and curiosity helps in cultivating Shoshin.

  Significance – Staying motivated may be easier if you keep in mind the significance of your goal. Consider the significance not only for you, but also for others who are important to you, your community, and humanity in general.

  If you a
re struggling to maintain a clear conception of your goal’s significance, you might consider asking others. Meaning, asking others what it would mean to them to have you accomplish your goal. For example, asking your significant other, children, or people in your community what they think about you completing the goal. In addition, if you’ve written down a previous plan for this goal (see Evaluation section), consider circling back to remind yourself why it was so important to you in the first place. When driving toward your goal, it is not uncommon get lulled into a stupor from the monotony of the practice and lose the full impact of crossing the finish line. The reality is that no one can be “on” all the time. Passion naturally fluctuates. During those times when passion for your goal is waning, consider rereading the note you wrote down or the recording you made at the beginning of the process to reignite your enthusiasm. This evaluation can also lead to consider whether or not to continue with the goal. Be honest with yourself.

  REPS IN ACTION

  1. Identify what other goals or sub-goals have been accomplished, how they were accomplished, and how this can lead to setting and accomplishing new goals. (Reflection)

  Goals are rarely permanent. Having a sense of accomplishment when completing a goal is a wonderful thing, but this should not be confused with a license to rest on your laurels. To stay motivated around progress, it may be important to consider what new opportunities exist now that your goals are accomplished. There are always new ways to grow and new goals to achieve.