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  “We got leather and canvas ones, but I don’t think I can let you have a leather one.”

  “Oh, a canvas one is just fine. Thank you.”

  I hid the knapsack in the washroom.

  When my mother came home Wednesday morning, she said that Mr. Allen was sicker but that he still refused to let his family send for the doctor.

  “What’s wrong with him, Mama?”

  “He said his head hurt so bad he can’t even open his eyes. The room have to stay dark because the light makes it worse, and he said that his chest hurt too.”

  “Did he at least stop drinking whiskey?”

  “No, his mother and Mrs. Allen tried to take his bottle away, and he wouldn’t let them. He said it’s the only thing dulling the pain. Mrs. Allen asked me if there’s something I can give him, but I told her no, that he just got to stop drinking. His mother said, if the pain keeps up, she’s going to send for the doctor and tell him to give Mr. Allen laudanum.”

  “Did he say anything about sending me back to Talladega?”

  “Yes, he said he think you’ll be going back next week.”

  I spent most of the day Wednesday in the kitchen to be with my mother and Belle.

  “Baby girl, why you look so sad? You thinking about Isaac?”

  “Yes, and you and Mama and the children. When I go back, I’m going to miss you all so much. Belle, tell the children about me. Don’t let them ever forget me, all right?”

  “They won’t forget you, Sarah, and you won’t be that far. I’m sure Mr. Allen will let us go see you in Talladega or he’ll let you and Isaac come here.”

  My mother and I had our supper in our cabin.

  “Sarah, you’re sure you won’t change your mind?”

  “No, Mama. I can’t.”

  “I know, baby. I know you can’t go back to that. But I can’t help but worry about you. And…I’ll never see you again.”

  “Mama, please don’t cry. And, Mama, remember what you told us when we were little? That we’ll see each other again in heaven?”

  “Yes, I did say that, didn’t I? But it’s one thing to say that to a child who is afraid of losing you and another thing to say it to yourself when you is about to lose your daughter. Having faith is not always easy. But you’re right, I have to believe that, I really do. Still I’m going to miss you and worry about you, baby. At least, if I knew you was going to be all right, I would feel better.”

  “All I can do, Mama, is promise to take care of myself.”

  We prayed.

  “All right, Sarah. I got to go. His mother asked me to watch him.”

  “Mama, I’m going to need you to stay with him all night, all right? Don’t come back here before tomorrow. And, Mama, this is important. When you get here in the morning, tell the overseer right away that I’m gone. I don’t want them to think that you had anything to do with it.”

  “Yes, Sarah.”

  “Mama, before you go, there’s something I need you to do. Cut my hair as short as you can. Cut it to my scalp.”

  “Oh, Sarah. This is it, right?”

  She wanted to cry, I could tell, but she did not. She held my hair by the ends and cut it with her sewing scissors. I touched my head; the hair was just below my ears.

  “No, Mama. I need it really short. You know it’s going to grow fast.”

  She cut it until it was close to my scalp and I saw in the mirror that she had made me look like a man. She embraced me before she left, and when she was gone, I sliced and cooked bacon, made corn bread, and cut a piece of ham. I wrapped the food and took it, along with the clothing that Mr. Adams had sewn for me and my boots to the washroom, where I packed all my items into the knapsack. I went back to the cabin, where I bathed and put on Clarissa’s dark blue day dress and her riding boots. I wrapped my hair and waited until about two o’clock in the morning.

  It was quiet and there were no lights on in Allen Hall when I went to the washroom, where I retrieved my knapsack. I stayed off the path. It took me about two hours to walk through the woods to the tannery, where I hid behind a bush near the wagon, which was covered, to wait for the men. I could see them when they arrived. They were looking for me. When I was sure that there were just two of them, I walked to the wagon. I recognized one of them, LeRoy.

  “Morning, Miss Sarah. This is Arthur. Quick, get in the back. We’ll help you hide under some sacks. You’re going to have to stay there and be real quiet until after we leave the main gate. We’ll let you know when it’s all right to sit on top of the sacks. You got to always be listening to us because there’s patrollers on the road who want to look inside the wagon. When we see one, one of us will say, ‘Let’s stop soon and eat something.’ That’s when you need to get back under the sacks, fast; but in the beginning, stay under until we tell you it’s all right to sit up.”

  The filled sacks were not as heavy as I thought they would be, but they did not smell good. When the sun had come out, I heard the overseer arrive.

  “Here’s your pass. You boys know to get back here by Sunday at the latest. Don’t do like last time, getting back here a week after you left.”

  The overseers at the main gate asked to see the pass and told the driver to exit. We had been riding for about thirty minutes when the wagon stopped.

  “All right, boys, stop. Let me see your pass and I need to look in the back. What you all got there?”

  “We’re taking leather goods down to Chambers County.”

  “Where in Chambers?

  “The Henderson Plantation.”

  I was lying on my stomach with my knapsack next to me. My hands were shaking and I tucked them underneath me. The overseer did not lift any of the sacks, and the wagon was only stopped for several seconds. When we had traveled about an hour, LeRoy told me that I could sit up and stretch. We rode that way for another hour and then we stopped to rest. They said that they had packed enough food for the three of us and that I did not have to use my supplies. I ate by myself in the back.

  “Miss Sarah, you can go in the woods and stretch your legs. We’ll stay here by the wagon.”

  When we had traveled for another two hours, a patroller stopped us as we neared what sounded like a town. He did not bother to look in the back and was satisfied with looking at the pass. The men took turns driving. On the second day, I asked where we were and LeRoy said that we were about to cross from Randolph County to Chambers. They said that they would tell me when we were near the plantation. There was still light when the wagon stopped. The men went to the back and lifted the canvas and I climbed out.

  “This is it, Miss Sarah,” LeRoy said. “Miss Mary said to leave you on the road by the woods on the other side of the plantation. Here’s the rest of the food. You can keep the sack, and keep that tin cup for water. And only drink from water that’s moving.”

  “Thank you both so much, for everything. I know this was a big risk for you to take.”

  “Miss Mary is the granny woman to everybody on the plantation. We do whatever she tell us,” Arthur said.

  “Where does this road lead?”

  “Into town. La Fayette,” Arthur said.

  “About how long will it take me to get there from here?”

  “Let’s see, walking, it’s going to take you at least one full day,” Arthur said.

  “Go on ahead into the woods before somebody come along and see you. And you going to be all right, Miss Sarah. I can tell you ain’t scared,” LeRoy said.

  If he had not said that, I believe I would have told them that I was going back with them to Allen Estates, but those kind words encouraged me. I prayed and recited a verse as I went into the woods: “For thou will light my candle: the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.”

  Deep in the forest, I turned south and continued parallel to the road for about two hours, until it became dark. I chose a spot under a tree where the earth was covered in moss for my bed. I rested before getting food from the sack that LeRoy and Arthur gave me. The meat and biscui
ts were hard. I wrapped myself in the blanket because it was colder than I expected on a July night. I heard crickets singing and small animals scurrying in the bushes. I felt lonely and thought about the things that we did at home on summer nights. After we cleaned the Allen kitchen, we and the neighbors would take chairs and lanterns outside. There were always at least two cobblers and tea for everyone. The children played hide-and-seek and other games. Later, the adults told stories. If my mother was with us, I begged her for one of my favorites.

  Wolves howled, and I shivered as I thought, “Dear God, what have I done?” I decided to end my folly and go home in the morning. If I was so miserable one night out of bondage, how could I sustain myself for a lifetime? The wolves seemed to be closer then and I thought of moving, but I knew that they, like all wild animals, have a keen sense of smell and would locate me anyway. I thought I heard a snake slithering. I put Clarissa’s dress on the ground and lay upon it, the fabric soft on my face. The howling grew louder and fear overtook me. I kneeled on the ground.

  “Dear God, thank You for Your blessings, for waking me up today, for giving me food, and for making me safe. Please protect my family and keep them by the power of Your hand. Lord, please forgive me for my sins and for breaking Your laws. Dear Lord, I know that the things I did were wicked, and I understand that You have to punish me. Lord, I’m prepared to return to captivity. But, Dear God, if it is Your will that I flee from bondage, please Lord, show me the way.

  “Lord, You have commanded me to be strong and of good courage, to be not afraid, and, Lord, You promised that You will be with me wherever I go. Lord, I will be brave, because You made a covenant that Your angels will always be with me. In the name of our savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.”

  The wolves were closer. I walked to a clearing in the forest canopy and lifted my face to the heavens to look at the stars.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  THEODORA ALLEN

  MY GRANDCHILDREN AND MY SISTER-IN-LAW, Martha, did their best to not leave me alone. I played games with the young ones and helped them draw watercolors. Martha also enjoyed reading and writing and we spent much of our time in the library and the parlor.

  “Theodora, what is it that no one is telling me about Clarissa’s passing?”

  “Your brother doesn’t want anyone to know, but I will tell you because I know that you loved her like a daughter.”

  I told her everything and she held me as I cried.

  “Do you want me to try to talk to Cornelius? Maybe he will tell me what he did with the child.”

  “Yes, please. He may listen to you.”

  Martha had no more success than I did and Cornelius accused her of conspiring with me to ruin the family’s reputation.

  “Theodora, I fear for him. His mind has deteriorated, and while I was speaking with him in his office, he coughed blood. Should we send for the doctor?”

  “I don’t think a physician would be of assistance to Cornelius. Did you try to persuade him to stop drinking whiskey?”

  “No, and Emmeline told me outside of his presence that he continues to drink at all hours. I am certain he would only grow angrier if I told him to cease drinking.”

  No one expected to see Cornelius at meals, and we got used to visiting with him in his apartment. He made an effort to play with the children, but he confused them when he told them odd stories of his boyhood. My sons and daughters-in-law stopped taking the young ones upstairs when my husband refused to groom himself. His hair became stringy and his face cadaverous. He was in his bed when I went to see him Wednesday evening before supper. Emmeline was sitting next to him.

  “Has he had any whiskey today?”

  “This morning and afternoon, ma’am. But Eddie said that he took all the bottles away when Mr. Allen was coughing blood.”

  “Has he been up at all today?”

  “No, ma’am. Eddie said he didn’t want to get out of bed. I tried to get him to eat something, but he’s been sleeping most the time. He’s still coughing up blood.”

  “If you would like me to, I can help you with him.”

  “Ma’am, you should go down to supper. I’ll watch him and send for you if he gets worse while you’re down there. And, ma’am….”

  “Yes, Emmeline?”

  “I don’t think he’s going to get better. Maybe you should tell your family to make sure to come see him tonight.”

  “Thank you, Emmeline.”

  When we were in the game room after supper, Eddie went there to speak to me.

  “Ma’am, Miss Emmeline said to please come up, now.”

  Cornelius’s breathing was slow and shallow.

  “Emmeline, please wash his face. I’ll return with the family.”

  We filed into his bedroom and everyone said good-bye. My mother-in-law led a prayer. She, my sister-in-law, and I stayed with Emmeline to sit in vigil. My husband died at three on Thursday morning. Davis went to town for the undertaker. I do not know what I would have done about the plantation if my brother-in-law had not been with us.

  “This is the time when slaves think they can do whatever they want or that, with their master gone, they don’t have to work. It’s important that everything continues to function as if the master still walked among them,” Charles said to me.

  He left us at the house and went to the fields to be with the manager of the plantation and the overseers. I went to my husband’s office to write death announcements. There was a pile of papers on his desk. I read the document on top that he was drafting and tore it into small pieces, which I put aside to burn in the fireplace in my bedroom that evening. I was writing a notice to the local newspaper when an overseer interrupted me.

  “Ma’am, we can’t find Sarah.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “We think Sarah ran away.”

  “When?”

  “Must have been last night. When Emmeline went to her cabin this morning after Mr. Allen died, she saw that Sarah was not in the cabin and she came to tell me that the last time she saw her was last night.”

  “Well, can she be elsewhere on the plantation?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’m going with a couple of boys to the fields to tell Mr. Allen…Mr. Charles, that is.”

  I told Bessie, who was rather cheerful under the circumstances, to tell Emmeline to see me. “And, Bessie, pretend that you’re unhappy about your master’s passing.”

  She tried not to grin but was unsuccessful. “Yes, ma’am.”

  When Emmeline arrived, I could tell she had been crying.

  “Do you really think it’s true that Sarah has run away? Perhaps she is visiting acquaintances in the quarters?” I asked her.

  “Ma’am, I sure hope you’re right. What would I do if my girl was gone? She’s just a child. Ma’am, could I go down to the fields to look for her?”

  “Sure, Emmeline, but the overseer has already gone there. But if it would make you feel better, get one of the boys to take you in a wagon.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.”

  No one could find Sarah. They let the dogs smell her clothing and searched for her in the slave quarters and in the swamps. That evening, when it became a certainty that she had indeed escaped, Charles retained the slave catchers at Pinckney & Jenkins. Mr. Pinckney interviewed me in Cornelius’s office with Charles and Davis present.

  “Mrs. Allen, please accept my condolences for the tragic passing of your husband and daughter. Now, about your runaway. I want you to know that we have a 99 percent rate of catching slaves. We are successful because owners provide us with valuable information. To that end, I need to ask you some questions. We know from experience that slaves steal clothing to disguise themselves and jewelry to sell to finance their escapes. Do you know if she has stolen anything at all from you or your family?”

  “I do not believe that she has stolen anything of mine.”

  “What about your daughter’s belongings?”

  “I don’t know. I have not been in her apartment since we buried her.”


  “Would you please accompany us there to see if you can tell whether anything is missing?”

  We inspected Clarissa’s rooms. They found two unused hangers in her wardrobe where we kept her dresses that she did not take to Talladega.

  “Ma’am, do you recall what dresses were on these hangers?”

  “Let me think. Yes, they were yellow. She loved those gowns.”

  He wrote in his book. I suppressed a smile as I thought that Clarissa had despised yellow and never would have worn that color.

  “Mrs. Allen, can you think of anything else that may be missing?”

  “Now that I think of it, I did not see the matching hats and parasols.”

  “Anything else?”

  “That would be all.”

  We returned to my husband’s office.

  “Mrs. Allen, we have a physical description of Sarah. Is there anything you can tell us about her personality or skills that would help us to describe her in advertisements and public notices?”

  “Yes. She is intelligent.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Not for your advertisements.”

  “Yes?”

  “You will never catch her.”

  We buried Cornelius next to Clarissa, and the day after the funeral, the adults, except for my relatives from Georgia, who had departed that morning, met in the library at Charles’s request.

  “I am the executor of Cornelius’s estate. It is going to take quite some time, perhaps two months, to enter the will into probate. The lawyer, Mr. Harris, will arrive tomorrow to begin reviewing financial statements with the accountant and bookkeeper. They will stay here in residence until that labor is completed, by the end of August at the latest, because I have to return to my plantation before harvest. No one is legally required to be present for the reading of the will, and I understand that you have obligations at home. But it would be appreciated if you stayed to comfort Theodora.”

  I asked Charles to remain after everyone else left the room.

  “Dear Charles, I have a delicate matter to discuss with you. How much did Cornelius tell you about Clarissa’s…situation?”