The Pizza Monster Read online

  Don’t miss any of the four Olivia Sharp books.

  And continue the detective fun with Olivia’s cousin Nate the Great in the NATE THE GREAT series.

  To Each Other

  —M.W.S. and MS.

  For Jenny

  —D.B.

  chapter one

  Meet Olivia Sharp

  Who should you call when you’re in trouble?

  Olivia Sharp. That’s me.

  My friends call me Olivia.

  My enemies call me Liver.

  I have a best friend, Taffy Plimpton. But she moved to Carmel. The next day I went out and got an owl named Hoot. She promised me she wouldn’t move away.

  Hoot and I live in a penthouse at the top of Pacific Heights with my chauffeur, Willie; my housekeeper, Mrs. Fridgeflake; and my folks.

  But my folks aren’t home much. This month they’re in Paris.

  Mrs. Fridgeflake is home all the time. But as far as I’m concerned, she might as well be in Paris. She’s always busy flicking specks from glasses, fluffing up pillows, and waxing plants.

  Our penthouse has twelve bedrooms. I use two of them. One to be myself in and one to be a special agent in. What is a special agent? A very special kind of detective, and that’s me!

  I have three telephones.

  The yellow one is for ordinary, boring calls.

  The red one is for emergency calls coming in and going out.

  The blue one is a direct line to my cousin Nate the Great, the world-famous detective. As you can see, being a detective runs in the family.

  chapter two

  How I Got Started

  I wasn’t always a special agent. After Taffy moved away, I used to sit around a lot in my furry white chair and look out my huge living room window at the

  boats going back and forth in San Francisco Bay.

  Fantastic view.

  But even when I looked at it with Hoot on my shoulder, I still felt lonely.

  I’d never tell anybody that!

  It was my secret.

  My problem.

  One night I said to Hoot, “I bet there must be a trillion secret problems out there. Waiting to be solved.”

  I’m good at solving problems, except for my own.

  I’m good at keeping secrets, too.

  I kept talking to Hoot. “If you’re good at something, you shouldn’t waste it, right?”

  Hoot looked at me, silent but wise.

  I could tell her answer was a definite YES.

  chapter three

  In Business

  That’s when I, Olivia Sharp, got into the agent business.

  The next day I had Willie drive me to a printshop.

  I had some ads printed up.

  They all said:

  Willie and I put up the ads around the city.

  On telephone poles.

  On street signs.

  In store windows.

  At the post office.

  On school bulletin boards.

  Everywhere!

  chapter four

  My First Client

  After I hooked up my special red telephone, I was ready for business.

  I was setting up my files when I got my first call.

  I answered immediately.

  “Olivia Sharp, Agent for Secrets, here,” I said.

  I heard a sigh.

  Then a voice said, “The world is coming to an end.”

  It was Duncan. I knew him from school.

  “The world is coming to an end,” he said again.

  “That’s what you always say.” I strung three paper clips together. Why was he bothering me?

  “I saw your ad at the pizza store,” he said. “Can you help me?”

  “I can’t stop the world from coming to an end,” I told him. “I’m good, but not that good.”

  “You don’t understand,” Duncan said. “I lost my best friend. Don’t tell anybody.”

  “I’m good at keeping secrets,” I said. “Stay put. I’ll be right over.”

  I slammed down the receiver and rang for Willie to bring the limo around.

  chapter five

  A Client Is a Client

  I went to the closet and got my boa.

  When I hit the street, Willie was waiting with the limo. “Where to, Miss Olivia?” he asked.

  “To Duncan’s, and hurry. It’s an emergency.”

  “You’ve got it, Boss,” said “Willie as we rolled out of the courtyard and through the big iron gates leading onto Steiner Street.

  While we rode up and down the hills to Duncan’s flat, I remembered something. Duncan didn’t have any friends. So how could he lose his best one? Duncan is so depressing. He’s always saying that the world is coming to an end. And nobody likes to hear that. I know I don’t, but a client is a client.

  When we got to Duncan’s, I told Willie to wait. I should have told him to give me a piggyback ride. Duncan lives in a flat on the fourth floor of a walk-up.

  chapter six

  Everything On It

  I was out of breath when I knocked on Duncan’s door.

  He answered it

  Duncan’s hair was hanging over his eyes as if half his face was hiding from the world. His socks drooped over his sneakers, and his baggy blue jeans were slipping over his hips.

  All of Duncan seemed to be on the way down. This guy was a real downer, all right!

  “Where did you lose this best friend of yours, and who is he?” I asked Duncan.

  “It’s Desiree, and I lost her inside Angelo’s Pizza Parlor,” he said.

  “That’s only around the corner,” I said. “How could you lose her there?”

  “We went into Angelo’s to get pizza. I ordered a slice for her and a slice for me. When the slices came, I handed Desiree one of them. And that’s when I lost her.”

  “You gave Desiree a slice of pizza and she disappeared? Did she go in a puff of garlic or something?”

  I laughed and fluffed my boa.

  Duncan never laughs. What with the world coming to an end and all that rot.

  He said, “Desiree didn’t even eat her slice.

  She got mad and left the pizza parlor. That’s how I lost my best friend.”

  Duncan pulled something out of his pocket. “I saved her slice. Want it?”

  Duncan dangled a limp little piece of cold pizza right under my nose.

  I stepped backward. Then I looked down at the pizza.

  “This slice is very small,” I said. “Was the one you kept for yourself bigger?”

  Duncan shrugged. “I didn’t measure them. I ate mine and then I went home and called Desiree. But she hung up on me.”

  “Maybe you can get another friend. On second thought, that’s not likely. I’ve got it. Get another pizza—a whole one—and give it to Desiree.”

  Duncan’s face dropped. It was always doing that. “I’m out of money. I spent my last cent at Angelo’s.”

  “Never fear, Olivia’s here.” I opened my purse and peeled off a ten-dollar bill. “This should cover it. Go back to Angelo’s immediately and order a pizza to go.

  A large pizza with everything on it. Tie a huge red ribbon around the box. Take it to Desiree’s house and give it to her. I’m glad I could help.”

  chapter seven

  A Short Break

  I went back downstairs to Willie and the limo. It was a lot easier walking down than climbing up.

  I always feel I deserve a small reward when I’ve helped someone. I had Willie take us to the Bon Ton Chocolate Shop for two of their super-duper ice cream sodas.

  chapter eight

  A Gooey Pizza Monster

  When I got home, my red phone was ringing.

  It was Duncan.

&n
bsp; “How did it go?” I asked.

  “Disasterville,” he said. “Desiree said the ribbon was pretty. While she was untying it, I told her what was inside the box. Then suddenly she gave me a weird look and shoved the box back at me.”

  I had had the ice cream soda too soon.

  Duncan was still talking. “The box split open. The pizza slid out. Now I still have no best friend and I’m smeared from head to toe with tomato sauce, cheese, mushrooms, and anchovies. I look like a gooey pizza monster!”

  I could almost see Duncan dripping pizza stuff. When I started in this agent business, I never expected to have a pizza monster for my first client. But I stayed cool. “I’ll think of something else,” I said. “You can depend upon Olivia Sharp.”

  “Hurry! The world is coming to an end,” Duncan said, and he hung up.

  chapter nine

  A Wise Solution

  I went to the window and looked out at the bay. A garbage barge was going by.

  I knew what had gone wrong. How could I expect just one pizza, even with everything on it, to solve Duncan’s problem?

  I looked up Desiree’s address.

  I rang for Willie.

  “Willie,” I said, “find the name of a pizza parlor and order fifty different kinds of pizzas to be sent to Desiree. Enclose a card saying I hope you like one of these. From your best friend, Duncan.”

  “You’ve got it, Boss,” Willie said.

  That should take care of that, I thought. It’s nice to be really, really rich and able to help others.

  I stuck my feet up in the air.

  I painted my toenails and wiggled them dry.

  I fed Hoot.

  Sometimes she hoots.

  Sometimes she doesn’t.

  Sometimes I’m as wise as she is. Sometimes I’m not.

  chapter ten

  A Not-So-Wise Solution

  I was in the bathtub when the red telephone rang.

  I grabbed my robe, rushed to my office, answered my phone, and heard,

  “The world has now come to an end.”

  It was Duncan, of course.

  “Tell me about it,” I said.

  “Desiree just called me. She’s madder

  than ever. She said she doesn’t want fifty pizzas. What does she mean?”

  “No problem,” I said to him. “I’ll look into it.”

  I hung up.

  I had a real problem, but I never admit that to a client. Desiree had turned down a slice of pizza, a whole pizza, and now fifty pizzas. And she was very mad. There had to be more to this than a too-small slice of pizza!

  chapter eleven

  Perfect with Pointy Shoes

  I got dressed and rang for Willie to bring the limo around.

  “To Desiree’s place,” I said.

  When we got to Desiree’s apartment

  house, we couldn’t find a place to park, so I told Willie to circle the block.

  Five circles later, I was out of the car and heading toward Desiree’s front door. She lives on the ground floor.

  The fifty pizzas were blocking the way.

  I picked my way through them.

  I pounded on Desiree’s door. She opened it.

  “I’m here about Duncan,” I said, handing her my card.

  I stuck my foot inside her door while I spoke. I wasn’t going to take any chance she’d slam the door in my face when she heard why I was there. That’s a trick we agents have.

  “Come in,” Desiree said without noticing that I was already partway in.

  Desiree turned out to be one of those perfect scrub-a-dub-dub blondes who ties her hair back in a ponytail with a rainbow-colored ribbon. Without looking down I knew she’d be wearing shiny patent-leather, pointy-toed shoes that she could tippy-tap across the room in. I could see why Duncan liked her. Myself, I can’t stand the type.

  chapter twelve

  Dead Cheese and Dying Mushrooms

  I flung my boa on the sofa, in her living room.

  I said, “Duncan hired me to find his lost best friend. You. Don’t you know it’s wrong to get angry about a slice of pizza?”

  I knew that wasn’t why Desiree was mad at Duncan. I was fishing. Secret agents have to do that.

  “The pizza was just an excuse,” Desiree said. “I don’t want to be Duncan’s friend. He’s so … so …”

  “Depressing?” I offered. “Totally, totally depressing?”

  “Right,” Desiree said. “He’s no fun at all.”

  “So why did you go into Angelo’s Pizza Parlor with him?”

  “He came along just as I was going inside. He said, ’Getting a piece of pizza? Me too.’ So we went in together. When our slices came, he handed me one.”

  “And?”

  “He said, ’Have a piece of this gucky, yucky, slimy pizza, which has dead cheese and dying mushrooms on it.’ That’s why I left. Do you blame me?”

  Desiree didn’t expect an answer.

  She folded my boa neatly and went on talking.

  “Later on, Duncan brought a whole pizza to my house in a box tied with a pretty red ribbon. While I was untying the ribbon, he said, ’Here’s the slimiest pizza with all the guckiest, yuckiest things in the world on it. It probably died on the way over.’”

  “That sounds like Duncan,” I said.

  “Yes,” Desiree said. “He can even make Angelo’s pizza look disgusting. Who needs a friend like that?”

  Nobody, I thought. That was the whole trouble. Nobody.

  I took a hard look at Desiree. She was tugging at her ribbon. Her rainbow was unraveling. Duncan can do that to you. Unravel rainbows and all of that.

  chapter thirteen

  Special Delivery

  Duncan, not Desiree, was my client.

  I knew what I had to do.

  I grabbed my boa. “I must dash off,” I said.

  I left.

  At the front door, the neighborhood dogs and cats were gathering around the pizzas.

  “Feast!” I called as I got into my limo.

  “To the main library,” I said to Willie.

  The library has absolutely tons and tons of books. Willie whisked me there.

  I checked out ten jokebooks.

  “To Duncan’s,” I said to Willie.

  When we got to Duncan’s building, Willie helped me carry the ten books up to the fourth floor.

  Duncan opened the door on the first knock.

  We handed him the books.

  “Here. Read these!” I gasped while I tried to catch my breath.

  Then Willie and I took off.

  chapter fourteen

  Make Me Laugh

  When I got home, my red telephone was ringing.

  I rushed to answer it.

  But I was too late. No one was there.

  I flung myself on the couch in my office.

  This was an exhausting case.

  The red telephone rang again.

  Duncan was on the line.

  “Where have you been?” he asked. “I’ve been calling and calling. Why did you bring me these dopey jokebooks?”

  “To put a smile on your face.”

  “A smile?” he asked.

  “Yes, a smile. That nice curvy thing under the nose that most kids have when they think cheery thoughts. Which, by the way, you never do.”

  “But you’re supposed to help me with Desiree.”

  “Duncan, darling, Desiree’s mad at you because you said awful things about the pizza. You say awful things all the time about everything. That’s why Desiree doesn’t want to be your friend.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. Listen to me, Duncan. You just said the books

  I gave you are dopey. Have you even read them?”

  “No.”

  “See what I mean? Now I’ve got something important for you to do, Duncan. Go to your window, look out, and tell me if you can see the world coming to an end.”

  “Hold on,” Duncan said.

  He put t
he receiver down.

  I waited.

  I tapped my fingers on my desk.

  It was taking Duncan forever.

  How big a job could it be?

  As last he came back to the phone.

  “I looked north and I looked south,” he said, “but I didn’t actually see the world coming to an end. I couldn’t see

  east or west because there are buildings in the way.”

  “Believe me,” I said, “east and west are in good shape. I checked on them. Okay?”

  “Okay,” Duncan said. “So the world isn’t coming to an end. But what do I do about Desiree?”

  “Think happy. Read the jokebooks I gave

  you. Find a joke you really, really adore. Then call up Desiree and tell it to her fast before she can hang up on you. Then call me back.”

  I slammed down the receiver.

  chapter fifteen

  Case Closed

  I waited for Duncan to call back.

  I read my horoscope.

  I arranged my credit cards in alphabetical order.

  I smoothed Hoot’s feathers.

  The red telephone rang.

  Duncan was on the line, laughing.

  Laughing!

  “I found five great jokes,” he said. “Desiree listened to all of them, and she laughed.”