July 19 Read online

  I considered how to answer her. “I don’t really know what they are, but they sure feel dreamy.”

  I had ignored the barrage of texts from my friends all day, wondering about my absence from school. If I’d started to respond, I never would have finished my canvas. I wasn’t ready to explain the complexities of my situation to my friends at this point, so a little lie was in order. Jake seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being and offered to come by with a treat if I felt up to it. I didn’t. I assured everyone that I was feeling much better and I’d see them all at school the next day.

  Before getting into bed for the night, I went to see my mom in her room. I wanted to let her know again how excited I was about her plan for our Mother/Daughter exhibit.

  “Aria it’s so special for me to be able to share this with you. It’s like a dream for me,” she said.

  “Me too Mom, a wonderful dream,” I smiled.

  My life was chock-full of wonderful dreams lately.

  I was excited to tell Ms. Chambers about my mom’s gallery and her awesome idea for a mother/daughter exhibit. We’d started working on the human form in class and I was learning about measuring proportions and being able to create a three-dimensional image. It was definitely challenging, and a skill I wanted to employ for my current work. She was a terrific instructor mainly because she was so passionate about art and she was incredibly patient.

  I’d set some time aside that weekend to start on my next canvas. The little bit of research I’d done on dreams and understanding them wasn’t really helping me. Most of the articles I read revolved around a person experiencing stress in their daily lives and then having scary dreams because of the stress. There wasn’t a whole lot of discussion about “happy” dreams, although the Freudian school of thought believes that dreams symbolize our unfulfilled desires. Maybe this made the most sense for my situation when I thought about my relationship with Jake. I generally didn’t feel unhappy about it, just a little conflicted. I was enjoying my time with him, but maybe my dreams were telling me otherwise. The part that I was struggling with the most was figuring out who the people in my dreams were, or who they represented. I didn’t understand why my dreams didn’t include the people in my real life. Who were these friends that I’d never seen before my dreams? I couldn’t help but feel I was being given a message I didn’t understand.

  Chapter 6

  Jake loved surprising me by coming up behind me, and once again, I felt his arms around me and his soft whisper in my ear, “Hey you. Feeling better?”

  I jumped and turned to face him, “Oh hi! Yes, much better, thanks. Hey, do you want to come with me? I need to get some shots of the girls’ basketball team. They’re playing Brighton High.”

  “Sure,” he said, helping me carry my equipment.

  It was standing room only by the time we got there. I quickly got some shots because I could tell Jake was getting impatient being there. We stayed for half the game and then went for frozen yogurt on the way home.

  “I’m having some people over tomorrow night just to hang out. Can you come?” he asked.

  “Um...sure...that sounds good,” I responded.

  “If you want to bring Dani and Caroline, that’s cool.”

  I wasn’t sure what they were up to, but I sent them both texts asking if they would join. Caroline let me know immediately that she was in. Dani got back to my text about going to Jake’s just as I was going to bed. “Nah sorry, can’t make it.” Well at least Caroline was coming; I’d be more comfortable with her there since I didn’t know who else he’d invited over. I was so much more social and confident with the people in my dreams. This Freud guy could be onto something. I thought.

  It was a beautiful sunset. He tied the boat to the dock and then came to sit beside me. He stroked a few strands of my hair away from my face and gently pulled the back of my head towards him and kissed me softly on the lips.

  I woke with a huge smile on my face. Okay my kissing with Jake was pretty good but wow, what was going on in my dreams was something else. Everything just felt so right. Where was this beautiful place I imagined? Did the guy in my dreams truly represent what I craved in a boyfriend? I decided to start the new canvas over the weekend. I had the perspective and colors all worked out in my head. I planned to pick up the canvas at the art store after school and start sketching once I got home.

  I had just left school when I heard Jake yell, “Hey Aria, wait up!”

  “Hi Jake, I’m just on my way to the art store.”

  “Oh alright, that’s cool, mind if I come?” he said.

  “Sure, but I’m kind of in a rush ‘cause I want to get home to start sketching my idea,” I said.

  “Okay no problem, let’s go. What’s your idea this time?” he asked.

  “It’s a landscape with a bay, a boat dock and a stunning sunset,” I said.

  “Sounds nice, where’d you see it?”

  I started laughing. “Well, I saw it in a dream actually, but never in real life,” I said.

  “Oh, I’m sure you’ve seen it somewhere. You probably just don’t remember where.”

  Maybe that’s true, I thought. It could have made its impression on me from a photo in the past; although I felt like I would have remembered that.

  After the art store, we parted ways with a quick kiss. Jake grabbed my hand and told me he couldn’t wait to see me later. It left me feeling excited, nervous, and as always somewhat ambivalent about my feelings toward him. But that night, I decided, was the night. I was going to go with it and enjoy having a boyfriend. The painting and the dream would have to wait. I would get home, shower, have some dinner, and spend some time on my hair and makeup. But first, I needed to talk to Sarah.

  “You go girl,” was of course Sarah’s response to my attitude about tonight.

  “I need to really give this a chance. If I don’t, I think I’m insane. I mean, how many girls would love to have Jake acting all boyfriendy with them?” I rationalized.

  “Totally! You need to just stop overthinking your feelings and just go have fun tonight!” Sarah was right, and I knew that I was holding back too much. I needed to give it a real shot.

  Caroline decided to come over after dinner and get ready at my place. She was hoping that some of Jake’s rugby buddies would be there. So, while we were getting ready, I texted Jake to find out who he had invited. It sounded very promising. He said that Matt, Dylan and Derrick (all on the rugby team) and Jake’s sister Jenna, would be there. Caroline could not have been more excited! She really liked Jenna, and she was pretty obsessed with any and all of the guys on the rugby team.

  We listened to music as we got ready. Before leaving her house, Caroline stashed a sheer t-shirt in her bag, knowing full well I had no such thing in my closet. She dressed me in said tee and black skinny jeans. Then she moved on to my hair. After blow drying my long hair straight, she whipped out a flat iron from her bag to do the finishing touches. It looked amazing — so shiny and silky soft! Then emerged a palette of eye shadows and blushes and brushes and liners and glosses…I felt like I was a canvas in an art studio! She said the challenge was to put just enough makeup to bring out the sexy, without looking like I tried too hard. “Natural sexy,” that’s what she was going for. I was happy to hear her say that because the last thing I wanted was for Jake to think I was making a big deal about chilling at his house. In the end, I wanted to look like me. Just better. With a contorted expression on her face, she went to work on my makeup. When I looked in the mirror after she was done, I was stunned. I looked hot. Wow. How did she do that? I wondered. I was transformed. I looked beautiful and natural and sexy.

  Feeling so confident, thanks to Caroline, we headed over to Jake’s. I was so excited to see his reaction when he opened the door, although I was nervous at the same time. Not used to getting attention for how I look, I wasn’t sure how to behave. Caroline was saying the sweetest things, perhaps sensing that I was outside my comfort zone. So, on the walk over there, sh
e kept reiterating that I looked like a natural beauty.

  Jake opened the door and whatever I had imagined his reaction being didn't come close to his absolute stunned delight. All he could muster into words was, “Wow, you really clean up.” But it was how his eyes twinkled when they looked at me that told me he really liked what he saw. I felt so self-conscious, and uncomfortable, but, in an okay way.

  Jenna was sitting in the kitchen when we walked in and she quickly said, “Wow Aria, you look so pretty!” It was awkward because I felt like I owed an explanation for why I didn’t look like my usual plain-Jane self. This was not the look I usually sport, even though it seemed perfectly appropriate for chilling with some friends — if you weren't me. All I could say was, “Yeah, Caroline dared me to put some makeup on.” Everyone chuckled in a very approving way.

  Jake couldn't keep his hands off of me, so after the guys got there, and everyone had hung out for a while, he grabbed my hand and led me downstairs. We were all alone in the basement and other than the light from the staircase, it was pretty dark and cool. He moved us toward the sofa and pulled me along as he lay down. I lay on top of him, kissing him, running my hands through his hair. He moaned as his hands moved down my back, caressing my curves along the way. The kissing was pretty intense, and I could feel that he was totally turned on. I wanted desperately to just enjoy the moment and what would happen, so closing my eyes I found myself envisioning the boy in my dreams. In my mind’s eye, I was on the boat with the boy with blonde curls, kissing and wanting no one but him. My hands travelled up under his shirt, feeling and kissing his strong chest and slowly lifting off his shirt. As he shifted to lift his shirt over his head, I opened my eyes startled to see Jake’s excited face looking up at me. At once, he grabbed my shirt in an effort to rid me of it, and I panicked and thought What am I getting myself into?

  I pulled back and stood suddenly, stammering, “I’m so, so sorry Jake, this is moving too fast for me,” as I got up and sat on the chair next to him, crossing my arms across my chest.

  “What’s wrong? You seemed like you were really into it,” he asked, as he sat up. His bare chest looked buff and beautiful.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s really not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. I guess I’m just not ready for what’s coming next,” I confessed.

  “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me back to him.

  I lay back down and found myself back in his warm embrace. We kissed some more and as promised, Jake didn’t push me at all. Our kissing was more than enough for me, but I could tell he had pulled back and was not nearly as warm and into me. Maybe he was frustrated with me, or maybe he took it personally and was hurt. Either way, I wasn’t going to do something I didn't want to, just to make him feel better.

  By the time we went upstairs to join the others, Caroline and Dylan were gone. Jenna told us that they spent most of the night together talking and when Dylan said he wanted to go for a walk, Caroline jumped. I checked my phone and sure enough there was a text from her saying simply, “going for a walk with Dylan :)!!!”.

  Jake grabbed the car keys and said pretty abruptly, “Come on, I’ll take you home,” as he walked towards the front door. I quickly texted Caroline letting her know that I was getting a ride home with Jake. No reply.

  “Bye guys,” I turned toward Jenna and the guys before following Jake out the door. When we got to the car I asked Jake, “Are we okay?”

  “Yeah, for sure,” he said, looking at me with tired eyes and a forced smile.

  Once again, I wasn’t so sure. For the rest of the ride home, we held hands, but we didn’t talk at all. With a quick kiss goodbye, I said thanks and got out of the car. He waited for me to get into the house and then sped off.

  Getting ready for bed, I listened to Radiohead and re-played the night in my mind. Truthfully, I couldn't wait to get to sleep. I was feeling out of sorts and somewhat anxious. Before going to sleep, I glanced at my phone and saw a message from Sarah that said “well?!” I tapped back, “too tired. all ok. ttyl”. Before I could see a reply from her, I shut down my phone and hopped into bed. Everything and everybody would have to wait.

  For the first time in months, I had a restless sleep; no dreams to recall, just tossing and turning. I was afraid I was moving farther away from the peace and the truth of my dreams. I felt like my mind was trying to tell me something. I felt tired and confused.

  The next day I loafed around the house and brought Sarah up to speed on what happened at Jake’s. She was, as always, very supportive. She understood and seemed to respect that for whatever reason, I wasn’t prepared to let it go any further. We both wondered out loud if I would ever feel that way with him. I couldn’t place what it was that held me back, other than to say Jake didn’t seem to be the one my heart really wanted. She asked, “If not Jake, who?” Which was an entirely fair question, but one I didn’t have the answer to. I knew clearly how I was supposed to feel, thanks to the boy in my dreams.

  As planned, that afternoon, Dani, Caroline and I took the subway into Boston to have lunch for Dani’s birthday. The timing could not have been better. We all seemed to have had interesting nights the night before and needed to do our “post-mortem” with one another. We got off at Haymarket Square and walked across the road into the North End. I’m always amazed that no matter what time of day, or time of year, Hanover Street is bustling with activity. As we walked through the narrow streets of Boston’s Little Italy, it was easy to be distracted by the sights and smells of the shops, restaurants, bakeries and cafes we passed. As always, there was a wait for a table at the restaurant, so while we stood in line we could wait no longer to get into all the details.

  Caroline finally filled in the missing pieces of what had happened the night before. Apparently when I went downstairs with Jake, Dylan moved to sit closer to Caroline on the rug, which made her super excited. When he asked her to go for a walk, she jumped to go for whatever adventure there was to have with him. They walked over to the park down the street and hooked up on a bench. He got pretty aggressive with her and she had to tell him that she wasn’t comfortable going further in a public place. Dani and I asked her if she would have gone further if they weren't in a park, and she said, “For sure!” Apparently, her only concern was someone seeing them, not that he was using her. Dani and I looked at each other knowing that we were both thinking the same thing. Dylan was not into her — he was just a player. Should we say something to her? No, we both concluded, save it for another day.

  When it got around to me, Caroline hijacked the conversation to tell Dani exactly how I looked after she finished my mini-makeover. “I have pictures,” Caroline said, as she flipped through the photos on her phone. “Here! Look!”

  Dani’s jaw dropped looking at the photo. “Holy shit! You look amazing! You need to put this on Instagram!”

  “No way,” I said shaking my head, embarrassed.

  “You should have seen Jake’s reaction when he opened the door!” Caroline was pulsating.

  “Tell me!” Dani begged.

  “Oh my God, he was dying. He couldn't stop staring at her.”

  “Okay, so tell us what happened!” Dani turned toward me and was all ears.

  I told them the whole story and they were not entirely surprised. They know me well, and they know that if I’m going to let myself go with someone, it has to mean something. And how far I will go is more or less a reflection of how I’m really feeling. Caroline was confident that I would feel stronger for Jake in time. She just believed that it was too soon for me to have those feelings. Maybe she was right. Maybe I just took longer to get there. I just wasn’t sure Jake was prepared to wait while I figured it out.

  I went the weekend without a single memorable dream. I felt almost panicked about it because the whole inspiration for my art was my vivid dreams. And more importantly, I missed them — the dreams, the feelings, the people, the places… I needed to
get back to the settled place that allowed me to go there in my sleep. It seemed that the more I focused on Jake, the more distant my dreams and the people in them were. I’m sure this was a message that at the time I just wasn’t reading clearly.

  I walked into school Monday morning, full of determination to focus on my school work and my art, and not to think about the other drama. After the morning announcements I found myself quietly singing the lyrics of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song, “Otherside” that Owen played this morning. It definitely had a soothing effect on me. Owen was a phantom to me, but if music is a language, he spoke my language. I would tell him that when and if I ever met him, I decided.

  Jake was twenty minutes late for Chemistry, so I had already started the day’s assignment without him. He looked so tired as he sauntered into class. “Hey, sorry I’m late,” he offered.

  “Oh, no problem. I got started without you. Are you okay?” I asked, analyzing his disheveled hair and clothing that looked like it had been balled up under his bed for a month.

  “Yeah thanks, just really tired. I was over at Dylan’s last night pretty late,” he replied, not looking at me at all.

  We focused on our work after that and didn’t really talk about much else. I didn’t feel like talking about what had happened Friday night between us. If he wanted to, I would but I wasn’t going to bring it up.

  Caroline and Dani came over after dinner. After baking brownies, we plunked down on the couch to watch a movie. While Dani and I debated what to watch, Caroline logged into Facebook to stalk Dylan.

  “Shit. What the hell,” she said, looking at Dylan’s Facebook page.

  “What is it?” Dani asked. She got up to see what Caroline was looking at. “Oh no!” she said.

  “Aria, this really sucks but you have to see it,” Caroline said.

  I got up and walked over behind the couch to peer over Caroline’s shoulder at her laptop. At first, I didn’t see it. I was looking at a photo of Dylan at a party. As my eyes focused on the detail, I then saw Jake in the background, lying on a couch with Melanie, one of the cheerleaders, on top of him. Some sort of guttural sound came out of me.