Looking Back Read online

  Chapter Four

  ‘Get me off this bloody bedpan! Me arse is stuck to it!’ The woman’s voice echoed round the maternity ward, alerting the young woman next to her.

  ‘What’s wrong, Agnes?’ she asked. ‘What’s all the shouting about?’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, lass. I don’t want to spoil yer breakfast, but I’ve finished with the bedpan and the nurse is nowhere in sight.’ The older woman was in her early forties, but had not missed a year without having a bairn. Misshapen and contented, she was now the proud mother of twelve; it would have been fifteen, but she had lost three in their infancy. ‘Only it seems like I’ve been on this bedpan for ever,’ she complained. ‘What’s more, it’s damned cold. I’m in here to have a bairn, not to catch bleedin’ pneumonia.’

  Looking down the ward, she began yelling again until, redfaced and flustered, the nurse hurried to her bedside. ‘Now then, Agnes, what’s the matter with you? You know very well we’re short-staffed and I’m having to serve breakfast on my own. If you keep yelling and screaming like that I’ll have to put you in a side ward, where you can’t disturb anybody.’

  ‘It’s not my fault if you’re short-staffed.’ Agnes was not easily intimidated. ‘I’ve been on this bedpan so long, my arse has gone to sleep.’

  Expertly slipping the bedpan out, the nurse quietly confided, ‘I’ve been busy with Mrs Tattersall.’

  ‘What, the emergency, you mean?’ Peering up the ward, to where Amy lay pale and seemingly lifeless, Agnes respectfully lowered her voice. ‘Is the lass all right?’ Riddled with shame, she was made to realise how her own complaint was a trivial thing in comparison to Amy’s ordeal.

  The nurse was grateful for Agnes’s change of mood. ‘You know it was panic stations when she was brought in earlier – well, she’s lost the bairn, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that.’ She noticed the young woman sitting beside Amy, so quiet and pretty. ‘Is that her daughter?’

  The nurse confirmed it. ‘Her name’s Molly. She wouldn’t leave her mam’s side, not even for a minute.’ Lowering her voice again, she admitted, ‘I don’t mind telling you, there was a moment or two when I thought we’d lost both mother and child.’

  Mortified, Agnes slid beneath the sheets. ‘I’m sorry to be such a nuisance,’ she apologised, ‘only me arse is that fat it tends to get wedged if I’m left too long on the pan.’ She grinned. ‘Never mind, eh? I’m right as ninepence now, so go about your business, dearie, and you’ll not hear another peep out of me.’

  The nurse nodded. ‘Thank the Lord for small mercies,’ she murmured, walking away at a rapid pace. She knew from past experience, however, that despite her good intentions, it wouldn’t be too long before Agnes was yelling for attention once more.

  * * *

  Emotionally drained, Molly had remained by her mother’s side throughout. She had seen it all and was devastated by it. ‘I’m sorry, Mam,’ she murmured. ‘I wish we hadn’t lost the little fella.’

  Weary and contrite, Amy gazed up at her. ‘It’s a strange thing, lass,’ she replied softly, ‘but you see, it’s as though…’ Shrugging, she fell silent, the tears brimming in her eyes but never falling.

  Concerned, Molly took hold of her mother’s hand. ‘What are you trying to say, Mam?’

  It seemed an age before Amy answered. ‘The bairn… me… everything.’ Looking down, she absent-mindedly twined the bedspread round and round between her fingers. ‘Oh, love! Isn’t it wicked, the way life plays tricks on us all?’ Choking back the tears, she turned away. ‘Pay no attention to me,’ she urged. ‘Go on home now. You look beat.’

  ‘Rosie’s looking after the young ’uns. Besides, I’m going nowhere yet,’ Molly persisted. ‘You started saying something, Mam. If there’s summat troubling you, it might help to talk about it.’

  ‘You’re probably right. What’s more, you’re the only one who ever listens.’

  ‘I’m listening now.’ Molly had an inkling of what was on her mam’s mind, but she daren’t even think about it.

  Sighing long and deep, Amy opened her heart. ‘God forgive me, lass, but the awful truth is… I never wanted that little bairn.’

  It was what Molly had half expected. Knowing how difficult it must be for her mam to confide such a thing, she waited, giving her time to compose herself.

  Amy hesitated. It was a shameful confession she had never wanted to make, especially to Molly.

  ‘I know that sounds terrible,’ she murmured, ‘and it makes me look like a hard woman, and happen I am, but if I am it’s your dad who’s made me like that. I’m tired of being as big as a ship from one year’s end to another; too heavy to walk, legs like pit props, and so weary at the end of a day I could lay down in the gutter and sleep… that’s how it’s always been with your dad. You see, Molly, right from the start I never wanted all them childer, only what could I do?’ Filled with remorse, she let the tears spill over.

  Molly understood and told her so. ‘What with one thing and another, you’ve been through a bad experience,’ she said tenderly. ‘It’s bound to take a while but, God willing, you’ll be fine, Mam. Just give yourself time.’

  ‘Any other woman would be heartbroken at what’s happened,’ Amy insisted. ‘Only I can’t grieve, you see? There was no love in me for the child.’ A sob caught in her throat. ‘Is that so bad?’

  Molly despaired at seeing her mam like this. Normally Amy was strong as a bull elephant; she had always seemed able to cope with anything. Now, seeing her low and vulnerable, Molly’s heart went out to her. ‘Don’t punish yourself, Mam,’ she pleaded. ‘What’s happened can’t be undone. None of it was your fault, the doctor told you that.’

  Through her tears, Amy gave the tiniest smile. ‘I’ve never turned your father away, but I should have done. I should have had more respect for myself than to keep giving in to his drunken demands. Only, well… you must know what he’s like. So overpowering – a real bully when he can’t get his own way. I’ve always had to give in, if only for the sake of peace and quiet.’

  ‘Ssh.’ Moving closer, Molly drew Amy’s head to her breast. ‘You don’t need to apologise for anything,’ she said. ‘Not to me… not to anybody!’ Anger filled her soul. She knew the way of things, for hadn’t she heard her dad time and again, laying down his demands? And hadn’t she herself fought down a feeling of nausea and hatred because of it?

  Having mustered the courage to confide, Amy had a need to empty her heart to someone, and unlike Lottie, she knew Molly would never betray her. ‘Sometimes I feel as if I’ve never had a life of my own,’ she told her eldest daughter. ‘It’s like I’ve missed out on everything, and now it’s all too late. Your dad will never change, I can see that now.’ All her children had been born at home, with Maggie in attendance. Now, one step back from the awful situation with Frank, she had somehow gained a new insight into her miserable life.

  Molly did her best to reassure her. ‘It’s got to be different from now on, Mam,’ she said. ‘I’ll talk to Dad. I’ll tell him how we nearly lost you, as well as the bairn. I’ll warn him that things have got to change. He’ll have to change!’

  ‘He can’t change, lass. He doesn’t know how.’ Bowing her head, Amy quietly wept. Her tears had been suppressed over the years, and only now were they released. ‘I know you mean well, but it’s too late. Like a fool, I’ve let it go on for too long, until there’s nothing I can say or do that will make him change his ways.’

  Knowing it to be the truth, Molly felt helpless. ‘Do you still love him, Mam?’ The thought had never entered her head before but now, somehow, it seemed all-important.

  Amy shook her head. ‘I stopped loving him a long time ago,’ she murmured. ‘To be honest, I don’t know if I ever did love him.’ Looking up, she confessed, ‘There was someone else, you see.’ Her fleeting smile was incredibly beautiful. ‘Someone I gave my heart to a long time ago.’

  Molly was intrigued but strangely, not shocked. ‘I never k
new.’

  ‘No one did.’

  ‘Who is he?’

  Amy laughed. ‘He was as crazy as they come; you never knew from one minute to the next what he was up to. He had these grand plans, you see. But they never came to anything.’ Until now, she realised with astonishment, because now all his dreams seemed to have come true – except for having her. But then, he had given up that right after he walked away when she needed him most!

  ‘We all have dreams, Mam.’ Molly knew this more than most, especially where she and Alfie were concerned.

  ‘He made me laugh, you know. He was a wide boy and a waster, but oh, he did make me laugh.’ Remembering, Amy shook her head and tutted. ‘You wouldn’t believe the things he got involved in. One minute he was rich as a king, and the next as poor as a church mouse.’

  Molly had never seen her mam this way before, her voice soft and caressing, her face aglow with joy. It was obvious this former sweetheart was etched deep in Amy’s heart. ‘How long did you know him?’

  ‘Long enough to know there’d come a day when he would break my heart.’ In the end, that was exactly what Jack Mason had done.

  The bitterness in her mother’s voice was a stark contrast to the happiness that had lit her face only a moment ago. ‘And did he?’

  Mentally shaking herself, Amy glanced up. ‘Did he what?’

  ‘Break your heart?’

  Realising she couldn’t explain what had happened without Molly learning the truth of her birth, Amy skirted the question.

  All the same, fired by the past, and eager to share some of it, she went on, ‘We were all friends together… me and Frank, and Jack Mason – that was his name. Then there was Bernard and Richard Brindle and the other Brindle brothers – Billy, Joe, Harry, Sonny and Alec… three sisters an’ all – Anita, Winnie and Mary Jane.’ She chuckled warmly. ‘By! We did have some fun though. Me and Frank started courting, and as for Jack the Lad, well, he had one sweetheart after another, and none of them lasted more than a fortnight. After a time, he upped sticks and moved on and nobody knew where he’d gone.’

  Molly was beginning to see the whole picture. ‘You liked him, didn’t you, Mam?’ she said. ‘I mean, really liked him.’

  ‘Yes, lass, I did.’ Amy’s tender smile betrayed her. ‘I were that upset when he left. But he did come back a few months later. By that time though, I were promised to Frank.’

  ‘And did you never tell Dad how you loved somebody else?’

  ‘I daren’t,’ she admitted. ‘Frank had such a fiery temper even in them days. I did tell him I wasn’t sure whether we should get wed so soon, and happen we were being too hasty.’ She recalled the shocking rows. ‘Frank were that angry he took off with the fairground for a time. After he’d gone, me and Jack went out a few times, and for a while I thought he loved me, too.’ Resentment set in. ‘He didn’t care about commitment though, or family. He didn’t want to be tied down. All he ever wanted was a bloody good time!’

  ‘So what happened?’

  ‘Frank came back and did his best to warn me off Jack. “He’s no good,” he said. “He’ll use you then he’ll be off, like always.”’ Amy’s eyes clouded over. ‘He were right, o’ course. Jack Mason was a rogue and a charmer, and he’d have the drawers off you before you even knew what was happening…’ she chuckled at the memory ‘… but I was in love for the first time in my life, and I wasn’t about to listen to anybody, let alone Frank!’

  ‘But it obviously didn’t work out, did it?’

  ‘I always thought it would but no, lass. It all went wrong.’

  Molly’s curiosity had built with the telling of the tale. ‘So, how did you come to be married to Dad, instead of to this Jack?’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ Amy answered warily. ‘All water under the bridge.’ Frank had married her without knowing she was carrying Jack’s child, and Amy had vowed she would take the secret to the grave. To this day, nobody knew.

  Dear God, she thought now. If Molly knew she was Jack’s child, what would she say? How would she take it? Happen it was her right to know, and happen it would only turn her whole world upside down if she did.

  ‘Jack went away again, didn’t he?’ Molly realised. ‘And you picked up with Dad?’

  Amy’s voice grew cold. ‘There was a terrible fight. Jack put Frank in the hospital. When he came out he went looking for Jack, but he was long gone. We never saw him again.’

  And now he’s back, she thought bitterly. Oh, she was not an innocent, but some of the fault for what had happened had to lie with Jack. If only he had taken her with him all those years ago, she would never have given herself to Frank. She might have had a better life. She might have been happy, instead of being treated like the dirt under Frank’s shoes.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mam.’

  ‘So am I, lass. I’m sorry about Jack being the way he was, and I’m sorry about the life I’ve led with your dad. But most of all, I’m sorry about the bairn.’ Haunted by guilt, Amy couldn’t forgive herself. ‘Happen if I’d wanted it enough…’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘It were too much! Another bairn, and Eddie only just two years old, Bertha not yet four… then Milly and Georgie. All bairns. All dragging on me, day after day. And at night your dad the same, dragging on me, using me for his own selfish ends, the same as he’s always done. A belly full o’ booze, and me underneath him while he satisfies himself. That’s all he’s ever cared about, the bastard!’

  Concerned, Molly spoke firmly. ‘You mustn’t get yourself all worked up like this, Mam,’ she said. ‘I’m on your side, and I’ll do all I can to help you.’ Wiping the sweat from Amy’s face, she pleaded, ‘Be strong, Mam, or you’ll make yourself really ill.’

  ‘You’re right, lass.’ The rage began to die down. ‘We all have a cross to bear. Besides, it doesn’t do to rake up the past.’ She settled down into the bed, sighed, ‘What’s gone is gone.’ Yet it wasn’t gone, was it, because Jack was here, waiting for her. Not for long though. He’d clear off soon enough.

  And with him would go her only chance of escape.

  * * *

  As Molly prepared to leave, her heart ached for this poor, unhappy woman who was her mother. It was not hard to understand how she felt and, given the same circumstances, Molly wondered how she herself would have coped.

  For now though, there was little she could do to ease her mother’s heartache. Not least because there were things here she didn’t understand. Things that seemed to have taken place long before she was born.

  Quieter now, Amy held her daughter’s hand, her pretty eyes shining with pride. ‘You’re the best of them all, Molly. All these years, it’s only you who’s kept me sane.’ Kept her sane and kept her dreams alive, because in Molly, she saw the past, and the past had been her greatest joy.

  ‘I’d best go now, Mam.’ Choked with emotion, Molly placed a kiss on Amy’s brow then eased herself away. ‘Rest now,’ she ordered. ‘I’ll be back later on today, with a clean nightgown and anything else I can think to bring.’ Apologising, she explained, ‘I can’t come straight back. I’ll have the young ’uns to see to.’

  In the end, Amy wasn’t sorry to see her eldest daughter leave. Right now, she needed to be alone with her thoughts. ‘Bye, lass.’

  ‘Bye, Mam.’ Glancing up the ward Molly saw the nurse approaching with the breakfast trolley. ‘Try and eat something,’ she said. ‘Keep your strength up.’

  ‘Molly?’

  She turned. ‘Yes, Mam?’

  ‘Thank you, lass.’

  Molly smiled down on her. ‘It’ll be all right, Mam. You’ll see.’

  In her heart though, she knew that nothing would ever be all right again.

  * * *

  Having learned from Lottie that her mother was in Blackburn Infirmary, Jack lost no time in rushing to be with her.

  Anxious for her money, Lottie had followed him. ‘I’ve taken you right to where she is, and now I want my dues,’ she whined. Nothing he could say would shake her of
f his trail.

  ‘Keep on the way you are,’ he said, ‘and you may well live to regret it.’

  ‘Oh, and what’s that supposed to mean. Gonna murder me, are yer?’ She took an involuntary step backwards.

  Amazed, Jack laughed out loud. ‘Good God! I might be guilty of some shady deals in my time, but murder isn’t one of them. All I’m trying to say is this: you seem to have no sense of shame. What you’re doing now is tantamount to blackmail but, worse than that, you’ve betrayed your own two parents. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve no qualms where your dad is concerned, but I think your mother deserves better consideration than you’ve shown her.’

  ‘Huh! I suppose you think I’ve sold her out?’ In fact, that was exactly what she had done, and she knew it.

  ‘Your words, not mine,’ he answered wryly.

  Lottie was not easily shamed. ‘Give me the money an’ I’ll be on my way.’

  ‘You’re going down a hard road,’ he warned sombrely.

  His words were wasted. ‘What I do is none of your business, mister! As for betraying my dad, he’s just rubbish. I don’t want advice from you or anybody else. All I want is my money. I’ve kept my side of the bargain. Now it’s your turn!’

  Shaking his head, Jack felt in the back pocket of his trousers and drew out a handful of half-crowns. ‘That should do it.’ Planting the cash into her open palm, he began to walk up the infirmary steps.

  Dogmatic as ever, Lottie followed him. ‘Hey, mister, you’re a liar! You said you didn’t have no more money on yer.’

  Turning, he smiled. ‘Lies,’ he answered, ‘from one rogue to another. Now clear off. And you’d better not be leading me a dance!’

  ‘I’m not. Me mam’s in there all right, just like I told yer.’ With that she went off, quietly singing and counting her money.

  Taking the steps two at a time, Jack strode into the reception area, where he made straight for the nurse at the desk. ‘Amy Tattersall,’ he said. ‘Can you tell me which ward she’s in?’