Flummox Read online

  For Ethan, Quinn and Arwyn. LW.

  Many thanks and love to Shay for the love and support. DS.

  First published by Albert Street Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin, in 2021

  Copyright © Text, Lili Wilkinson 2021

  Copyright © Illustrations, Dustin Spence 2021

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or ten per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

  Allen & Unwin

  83 Alexander Street

  Crows Nest NSW 2065

  Australia

  Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.allenandunwin.com

  ISBN 978 1 76087 739 2

  eISBN 978 1 76106 084 7

  For teaching resources, explore www.allenandunwin.com/resources/for-teachers

  Cover and text design by Kristy Lund-White

  Set by Kristy Lund-White

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  Have you ever wanted a pet monster?

  If you're like me, the answer is NO because monsters don't exist.

  If you're like Willow, the answer is YES DEFINITELY.

  And this is Hodgepodge, my pet monster. (Apparently monsters DO exist? I am as surprised as you are.)

  Willow and I found an ancient spell book called THE BIGGE BOKE OF FETCHING MONSTERS, which shows you how to make REAL MONSTERS. Hodgepodge was supposed to be a hobgoblin, but we couldn’t find the ingredients listed in the spell book, so we used things from around the house and got Hodgepodge instead. I’m glad, because Hodgepodge is my best friend.

  Now Willow wants to make a monster of her own, and I’m a bit scared.

  When we made Hodgepodge, I didn’t believe in monsters.

  I didn’t think anything would happen, because I know about Science, and I know that you can’t just make a monster, and also that monsters aren’t real.

  Except we did make a monster, and now he is SLEEP-FARTING on the end of my bed.

  Now that I know monsters ARE real, I’m worried about making a new one.

  ‘What if it is dangerous?’

  ‘I hope it is,’ says Willow. ‘Let’s get to it. I want this one.’

  ‘First we need spittle of the moon,’ says Willow.

  ‘That’s impossible,’ I tell her. ‘The moon doesn’t have salivary glands.’

  ‘Sure,’ says Willow, shrugging. ‘But YOU are MOON-FACED. So you can just spit in the kettle.’

  I open my mouth to argue, but Willow has her determined face on, so instead I lean over and

  ‘Right,’ says Willow, examining THE BIGGE BOKE OF FETCHING MONSTERS. ‘Next we need salt of alembroth.’

  ‘What’s alembroth?’ I ask.

  ‘Who cares?’ Willow replies. ‘Regular salt will do.’

  I hope I never have to do a real SCIENCE experiment with Willow. IT WOULD GO VERY .

  ‘I’ll get the salt,’ Willow says. ‘You can get the fairy’s wing.’

  ‘Ah,’ I say. ‘Well, I can’t do that. Because there is no such thing as fairies.’

  Willow opens her mouth to reply, but she’s interrupted by my mum calling us from downstairs.

  ‘Artie! Willow! There’s someone here I want you to meet.’

  ‘I’m so happy to meet you all,’ says Arabella-Rose.

  Willow and I exchange a look.

  ‘Arabella’s parents are out of town, and her uncle got held up coming to collect her, so she is going to spend the day with you two. I know you’ll make her feel welcome,’ Mum says, giving Willow and me a firm look as she leaves the room.

  Arabella-Rose perches on the sofa like a QUEEN. ‘Go on, then,’ she says.

  ‘Err,’ I reply.

  ‘We’re supposed to be getting to know each other. Don’t you want to ask me some questions?’ she says.

  Willow makes a snorting noise. ‘Here’s a question. What time are you going home?’

  This is a thing to ask, and Arabella-Rose narrows her eyes at Willow. But she quickly smiles and says, ‘My Uncle Cranky is picking me up at five-thirty. He’s not really cranky. He’s lovely. I just call him that to be funny.’ Arabella-Rose laughs at her own joke and continues. ‘He’s not really my uncle, either. He’s my great-uncle once removed. Do you know what “once removed” means? I can explain all about ancestry if you’d like.’

  Suddenly3, five-thirty feels like a long time from now.

  WILLOW LOOKS FURIOUS. I would bet my subscription to Junior Scientist Magazine she is annoyed that we can’t make her monster while Arabella-Rose is here. I am secretly relieved. Arabella-Rose might be SNOOTY, but she doesn’t look nearly as SCARY as a real live monster.

  Arabella-Rose doesn’t seem to notice the tension. ‘Here are some interesting things about me,’ she says. ‘I am twelve years old. My favourite colour is gold. I don’t like spiders or cottage cheese. I’m going to be an actress and a singer. I brought my scrapbook of all the different performances I’ve done, and all my favourite shows. Would you like to see it? Would you like to hear me sing now?’

  She doesn’t wait for an answer, just launches into a song I’ve never heard before but seems to be about castles and clouds.

  I think Arabella-Rose is actually a pretty good singer, but Willow looks like she’s going to PUKE. Which is weird, because Willow loves music. Maybe they could do a duet?

  Arabella-Rose pauses to take a deep breath, and Willow jumps in. ‘That was so pretty, Arabella. I’m sure your grandparents love that one. Do you know any songs by DEATH RATTLE SPIDER? I can play “Snort Face” on the guitar.’

  Arabella-Rose glares at Willow. ‘I’m sure “Snort Face” is great for a beginner, but my mum says music should lift your soul, so I only sing actually good music.’

  ‘Oh really?’ says Willow. ‘Perhaps you should have lifted that last note a little, it sounded flat to me.’

  Arabella-Rose blushes BRIGHT RED. But only for a second.

  ‘How tragic that you don’t have a good ear for pitch, Willow. That must make it really hard to play your guitar. You are so brave for trying your best anyway.’

  ‘I’m going to my room...to do some... homework,’ Willow says, through gritted teeth.

  Arabella-Rose narrows her eyes. ‘It’s the school holidays.’

  ‘I like to get started early.’

  Just when I think I might have to come up with a plan to distract them, I see a flash of green fur from the corner of my eye. OH NO.

  ‘What kind of homework is it?’ asks Arabella-Rose.

  ‘Um. Maths.’

  ‘I’m really good at maths. I’ll come and help you.’

  The flash of green is HODGEPODGE, who has come to see our visitor. I shake my head at him. It’s better if people don’t know about Hodgepodge. A man called WESLEY CRANKSHAW found out about him, and tried to steal him and put him in a cage. We had to rescue him.*

  Arabella-Rose gets up to follow Willow, and Hodgepodge ducks behind a cushion on the couch.

  ‘No!’ Willow says. ‘I don’t want your help.’ />
  Arabella-Rose’s chin wobbles. ‘You’re supposed to play with me,’ she says. ‘That’s why I’m here. I’m going to be here all day, so you’d better start being nicer.’

  ‘Can’t you go to an actual friend’s house?’ Willow asks. ‘Or don’t you have any?’

  Willow is being super mean. We just moved here, so it’s not like we have any friends either.

  ‘I HAVE HEAPS OF FRIENDS,’ says Arabella-Rose firmly. ‘They’re just ... all ... busy.’

  Arabella-Rose plonks herself back down on the couch. The cushion gives a little squeak. Arabella-Rose looks confused for a second.

  ‘Your mum said you were supposed to make me feel welcome.’

  ‘Indira isn’t my mum.’

  ‘You’re not being nice.’ Arabella-Rose glares at Willow.

  ‘Why don’t you play with Artie?’ Willow suggests with a fake smile.

  Arabella-Rose’s cheeks go pink and she stands up. ‘I’m going to tell your parents that you’re being mean.’

  Hodgepodge appears from behind the cushion, looking a bit squashed. Arabella-Rose turns around, but he whisks himself behind a fat teapot on the shelf.

  ‘What was that?’ Arabella-Rose asks.

  ‘What was what?’ Willow responds.

  ‘That furry thing. It looked... kind of like a...furry monster?’

  ‘It was Hodgepodge.’ I am very bad at lying.

  Willow shakes her head at me. ‘WHO IS HODGEPODGE?’ asks Arabella-Rose.

  ‘A TEDDY BEAR,’ Willow says. ‘Hodgepodge is Artie’s teddy bear.’

  ‘Let me see,’ demands Arabella-Rose.

  But Willow grabs Arabella-Rose’s arm and pulls her out of the room. ‘Let’s play Hide and Seek,’ she calls over her shoulder. ‘Artie, you’re it!’

  ‘Stay hidden,’ I tell Hodgepodge sternly. ‘Don’t let Arabella-Rose see you.’

  Hodgepodge nods seriously, then does a BLUE CHEESE FART, and scurries away.

  I count to fifty, then start to look for Willow and Arabella-Rose.

  I look in the kitchen, but I only find Willow’s dad, David Cole.

  ‘Are you kids having a good time?’ he asks. ‘I’m making deep-fried porridge.’

  David Cole loves cooking weird things. Some of his favourite dishes are

  ‘We’re playing hide and seek,’ I reply, so I don’t have to answer the question.

  I look in the dining room, but there’s only Mum looking at paint samples.

  ‘Do you think the library walls should be painted in Disco Salmon, or Funky Banana?’ she asks.

  I look in the bathroom, but there’s only our old cat, Murphy, asleep in the sink.

  I stop at the top of the basement stairs. I don’t like the basement. It’s too DARK and SCARY.

  ‘She didn’t go that way,’ says Willow from behind me, making me jump.

  ‘You’re supposed to be hiding!’ I say.

  ‘I am,’ she says, walking towards me. She whispers, ‘I’m hiding from Arabella-Rose.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound very fair,’ I say.

  ‘What isn’t fair,’ says Willow, ‘is that we have to babysit Miss Princess all day, when we should be making my monster. I’ve got the salt. Have you figured out the fairy’s wing yet?’

  I open my mouth to remind her that fairies aren’t real, but Arabella-Rose appears.

  ‘You took too long to find me,’ she says. ‘I got BORED. This house is BORING.’

  ‘What do you usually do at friends’ houses?’ I ask.

  ‘Oh, the usual,’ says Arabella-Rose. ‘We sing songs from musicals and make up dance routines and eat cupcakes. That’s the kind of thing I do all the time with all my friends.’

  Willow narrows her eyes.

  ‘Did somebody say cupcakes?’ David Cole asks, poking his head into the hallway. ‘I just made a batch to test out my curry caramel crush icing. Do you kids want to decorate them?’

  Arabella-Rose makes a face. ‘Curry icing?’ she says. ‘That sounds gross.’

  ‘You can just use regular icing if you want,’ David Cole says.

  ‘I love curry icing,’ says Willow fiercely.

  David Cole looks surprised.

  In the kitchen, Arabella-Rose slips her charm bracelet off her wrist and puts it on the bench. ‘Uncle Cranky gave me this,’ she says. ‘I can’t get it dirty.’

  ‘Can I have a look?’ Willow asks.

  Arabella-Rose nods and Willow picks up the bracelet. ‘It’s really beautiful.’

  Now I am surprised. Willow doesn’t seem like a charm bracelet kind of person. I lean over her shoulder to see the bracelet.

  It’s gold, with lots of tiny, delicate

  OH.

  There is a fairy charm on the bracelet.

  And Willow needs a fairy’s wing for the monster recipe.

  But that would be stealing, and stealing is wrong.

  I frown at Willow, a frown that says, Do not steal Arabella-Rose’s precious bracelet.

  Willow smiles at me. It’s a SCARY smile.

  I open the pantry to get some sprinkles, and notice a VERY STRONG FARTY SMELL.

  Hodgepodge is there on the top shelf, happily munching on a cabbage.

  ‘You’re meant to be hiding!’ I whisper, putting a large bag of flour in front of him.

  We decorate our cupcakes, and for a little while I forget that I have a pet monster hiding in the pantry, and that Willow is desperate to make her own monster and is hatching some kind of DEVIOUS PLAN.

  Willow nudges me. ‘Do you remember the last thing on the ingredient list?’ she whispers.

  ‘The laughter of a princess?’

  Willow nods, then jerks her head at Arabella-Rose, who is frowning at her cupcake. She is the princessiest person I’ve ever met. BUT HOW DO WE CAPTURE HER LAUGH?

  Willow holds up an almost-empty jar of David Cole’s parsnip and lime marmalade.

  ‘Make her laugh,’ she hisses.

  Arabella-Rose doesn’t seem to be in much of a laughing mood. She is doing a lot of complaining.

  ‘I can’t make my icing roses look good without a proper piping bag. Don’t you have any REAL gold leaf?’ she says. ‘I can’t believe these are the only sprinkles you have. When I go to my friends’ houses, they have a hundred kinds of sprinkles.’

  Willow narrows her eyes. ‘What are your friends’ names?’

  ‘Err,’ Arabella-Rose looks panicked. ‘Elle! And Glinda. Matilda. And Eponine.’

  Willow opens her mouth, and I know she’s going to tell Arabella-Rose that she thinks her friends are made-up, and that definitely won’t make Arabella-Rose laugh.

  ‘DOES ANYONE KNOW ANY JOKES?’ I say loudly.

  There’s a jokes page in my Junior Scientist Magazine, so I try a few of them out on Willow and Arabella-Rose.

  Apparently I’m the ONLY ONE with a sense of humour around here, because neither Willow nor Arabella-Rose laugh at ANY of my jokes.

  Then Willow drops her spoon and when she bends over to pick it up,

  Hodgepodge does a loud, cupcake-scented fart from behind the flour.

  Arabella-Rose’s eyes go wide with shock. Her mouth opens, and

  ARABELLA-ROSE IS LAUGHING.

  Arabella-Rose is laughing at Willow.

  Willow doesn’t like being laughed at.

  Her face goes all scrunched-up and angry, but I nudge her in the ribs. ‘The jar!’ I whisper.

  Arabella-Rose is still laughing. ‘You... did...a...ART!’ she giggles.

  Quick as a flash, Willow grabs a half-eaten jar of marmalade from the kitchen bench, whisks it under Arabella-Rose’s chin, then slams the lid on.

  Arabella-Rose stops giggling. ‘What did you just do?’ she asks.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You just did something weird with a jar. IS THIS SOME KIND OF PRANK?’

  ‘It’s none of your business,’ says Willow.

  Arabella-Rose looks at Willow, then at me, then back at Willow. Then she bursts into tears and runs out
of the room.

  ‘Shouldn’t we see if she’s okay?’ I ask.

  ‘Later,’ says Willow. ‘Let’s go make my monster.’

  ‘We still don’t have the fairy’s wing,’ I say as we climb the stairs to the attic.

  ‘Sure we do,’ Willow says, and holds up the fairy charm from Arabella-Rose’s bracelet.

  ‘WILLOW,’ I say sternly.‘THAT’S STEALING!’

  Willow shrugs. ‘She left it lying around. I bet she has a hundred charm bracelets at home. This is just one charm. She won’t even notice it’s gone.’

  I’m starting to feel queasy.

  Willow drops the ingredients into David Cole’s black electric kettle.

  ‘I’m so excited to meet my monster!’ Willow says. ‘I wonder what it will be like.’

  ‘Hopefully not too dangerous,’ I mutter.

  ‘I’m going to call it FANG,’ Willow says. ‘Or ROCK. Or AXE.’

  She opens up THE BIGGE BOKE OF FETCHING MONSTERS and begins to chant.

  A wisp of steam emerges from the kettle, slowly growing into a thick steamy cloud.

  Then there is a BANG, and a very strong smell of BUBBLEGUM.

  Hodgepodge squeaks in fear and burrows under my arm.

  When the steam clears, there is a new monster in the room.

  The monster has silky-looking fur and delicate moth-like antennae. It has enormous violet eyes with long lashes. It’s really quite beautiful, but it also looks a bit ...SILLY?

  Willow frowns. I guess she was imagining something a bit more FIERY and DANGEROUS-LOOKING.

  Hodgepodge steps forward to sniff the new monster carefully.

  The creature flinches away from him. Hodgepodge waves a paw at the monster and the room smells like roses. The monster looks at Hodgepodge and then around the room. It makes a nervous clucking noise.