Hush, It’s Christmas Read online

  “Something wrong?” he asks, smirking.

  “Naw, nothing,” I say. “Isn’t that a pretty song that Tina and Tommi recorded?” I say sullenly. I hiss at the tape recorder, “You traitor!”

  We hear, “Never ever…” from the recorder one last time, and then, finally, it is quiet. Very quiet.

  December 7th

  If someone goes on a diet, then all they can think about all day long is eating. He or she thinks of huge piles of Salamis that rise all the way up to heaven… or a bathtub full of Gummi bears.

  Bruno is dreaming of turkeys and his dreams come true. There is a big turkey on the kitchen table one day. Bruno wants to take a bite right away!

  But Soy has other plans with the giant, big bird.

  Over the last few days, Soy’s Advent calendar has been killing me. I have been sooo hungry that I see turkeys everywhere. There! There’s another one on the kitchen table. It’s huge. You can’t imagine how huge it is! Its skin is soft and pink, its thighs are fresh and luscious and the best of all is it can’t get away because it’s already beheaded and plucked. Yum, yum, yum.

  Suddenly, Soy jumps in my way, “Stop! Your diet is meatless today!” She is waving her Advent calendar. “Don’t even think about it,” she yells as she sees me eyeing the turkey. “Come on, let’s bury it!”

  Bury a turkey? How is that going to work? And where? That huge thing is not just a handful of hamburger meat!

  “Well, where?” Soy asks impatiently. “I know! We will bury him in peace! Humans always say, “Rest in peace” at funerals! So, we shall bury him in peace.”

  Aha! And where is that? Of course, Soy doesn’t know that either. Still, we pull the headless turkey from the table. With a loud crash it lands on the floor tiles. How good it smells! I feel all dizzy from the smell.

  “Keep your paws off,” Soy stops me. “Let’s pull it under the couch!”

  I protest, “It’s way too dusty underneath the couch. Let’s pull it under the heater!”

  “No, everyone will see it there,” Soy reckons. “Balcony!”

  “Way too cold,” I tell her. “Peace sounds like it should be a warm and snuggly, soft place.”

  I hear the key turn in the door. Our humans are coming home again. “I know where!” I call out. There is only one place that can be ‘peace’. It’s warm and soft and hidden very well. Soy agrees.

  A little later, we are laying on my cuddle blanket looking very innocent. We hear Mommy in the kitchen, “The turkey is gone!” She searches for it in the kitchen, the pantry, the hallway… She even runs out to the car. No luck. Daddy has to go to the store to buy a new one. He sighs and rolls his eyes as he does so often during Christmas.

  Two hours later, he is back with a second turkey. He looks so tired and wants to lay down for a bit. He goes to the bedroom, throws back the covers… and screams, “There’s a turkey in my bed!”

  It’s turkey number one. Even without its head, it looks peaceful. Only Daddy looks like he would rather be somewhere where there is no such thing as Christmas.

  December 8th

  Kittens that love sweets sometimes grow up to be grown-up cats that love sweets.

  But sweets do not only have lots of calories, they can also cause a ‘tummy tornado’ and more…

  A piece of chocolate cake with nuts has 500 calories. You have to do a lot of push-ups so these calories don’t end up as rolls on your belly or backside. I know that. Yet, I still get weak!

  Like today, Bruno’s Mommy baked a chocolate cake. The batter that she mixed together smelled so good, as if angels themselves had made it. If only I could try some of that batter, just once!

  The telephone rings. My chance! I’ll wait until Mommy vanishes down the hallway and then I will take just one bite… Yummy! No sooner said than done, I dip my paw in the sweet, light brown cream. Delicious!

  Luckily, Bruno doesn’t see me. He’s in the living room doing his push-ups. Ha ha ha! With every push-up, he moans so loud. It’s as if he has a washing machine tied to his back. Three push-ups done, still 97 to go. That’s enough time for me to go for seconds, thirds and a bit more. Mmmmm… more. And more.

  “Soooy,” Bruno moans. I hop down from the counter onto a chair and have to laugh. Bruno, the new Iron Dog! I laugh so hard I get hiccups.

  I leap into the living room and stand next to Bruno. “Come on, together,” I call out and do three push-ups next to him. “And up! And up! And up!”

  Suddenly, the chocolate batter starts moving in my belly. At first it moves slowly, but then it gets faster and faster, just like a tornado! I start to feel really sick. Of course, I don’t want Bruno to catch on to this. Courageously I keep going, “And up! And up! And oh, oh… Ohhh!” The tornado starts moving upwards inside of me like a hot air balloon. It winds up my throat and – oh no! The tornado bursts out onto Mommy’s rug. Ewww. Her rug that once was white now has brown spots all over it. It looks as if 100 Dalmatians are in our living room!

  Mommy scolds Bruno and prescribes chamomile tea for supper. Bruno looks at me, but doesn’t tattle on me. I give him credit for that.

  To be nice to Bruno, I let him skip the remaining 97 push-ups for today. He can do them tomorrow. Of course, he’s not very pleased with the idea of having to do them tomorrow… or at any time. He turns around and just goes to sleep.

  His back feels cooler this evening. Much colder than usual, just like a mountain of snow. I wonder if we will ever be friends.

  December 9th

  A snowball fight is a great thing. Bruno and Soy love to plaster each other with snow.

  Bruno even finds a perfect barrier to ward off Soy’s attacks. Then they hear a noise so loud, no barrier could ever stop it.

  “There’s an angel laying in the garden,” I tell Soy.

  “An angel? Where?” Soy calls out delightedly. She unknots herself from her complicated yoga exercise. She had thrown her hind legs behind her shoulder. But to see an angel, even Soy lets yoga be yoga.

  “Come with me,” I say to her as casually as I can, and trot to the door. To be honest, I have something totally different planned for her. Soy is so excited that she beats me down the stairs to the front door. “Come on Bruno, if you don’t hurry up, then…”

  “Then what?” I ask with a grin. “Then you won’t let me open the next door of your Advent calendar? That would be such a bummer!” I say sarcastically. I can really do without her ‘great’ fitness exercises!

  Soy stands flabbergasted in the garden and stares at the snow. She can recognize the outline of an angel. Now, I know that Tina made it, but I don’t tell Soy. Tina laid on her back and flailed her arms and legs in the snow to make the angel.

  Soy goes quiet. Unusually quiet. Eventually, I get fidgety and start to form a ball with my front paws and snout. Soy doesn’t notice me.

  With a big grin I take aim… Strike!

  “Hey, you swine!” she laughs. She saw her angel and is ready to have fun again. She is a good opponent. She really has great aim!

  But what do I see now? It’s big and green, with lots of branches and tiny little needles. I pull this thing away from the side of the house towards me. It’s the perfect firewall. I can ward off Soy’s attacks with it perfectly. No snowball will hit me now.

  Suddenly, there is a scraping noise. I look up to the roof. A huge snow slide slides straight at me! I jump away just as a huge pile of snow crashes down and buries the green, prickly thing underneath a snowy blanket. Oh boy, I was lucky!

  “Hooooney, where’s the Christmas tree that I bought this morning?” Daddy calls out. He has come out of the house. “Just a while ago it was right here!” he exclaims as he points to the spot where the green, prickly thing had just been standing.

  Soy and I look at each other and hurry past him into the house. We know nothing! Nothing at all, do we?

  No, we know nothing. For the first time we agree with each other. For just a moment, we agree. Tomorrow… who knows what tomorrow will bring?

&nb
sp; December 10th

  Tinsel is as important to Christmas as cinnamon is to cinnamon cookies. Normally, you hang tinsel on the Christmas tree. As always, Soy has a better idea.

  Her ‘better idea’ ends with flashing blue lights. Oh, goodness.

  There’s the Christmas tree. Bruno’s Daddy finally freed it from all the snow. Bruno is laying underneath it, fast asleep, and I am bored. To pass the time away I inspect the tree a little closer. Bruno’s Mommy hung glittery strings on it. They move when I push them with my paw! I push a few at one time. How pretty they look! Some fall on Bruno. Ha, ha, ha! He looks like a grey grandpa dog!

  I have an idea.

  When Bruno wakes up half an hour later, his fur makes a rustling noise. I have to stifle my laughter, because Bruno looks hilarious. His fur is covered in silver strings that almost reach the floor. He walks along the hallway, opens the door with his right paw, walks down the stairs and out the front door… He knows the way even with his eyes half-closed.

  I sneak after him, like a detective, when I suddenly hear a loud, shrill cry from the neighbor’s house. The neighbor lady appears at her window with a telephone in her hand. “I’ve always told you, Ellie, one day they will come for us!” she yells.

  Bruno doesn’t notice any of this. As always, he trots to the last stone block in front of the lantern, then turns around. His favorite tree is only a few steps away.

  “His spaceship? I don’t know. Maybe he parked it in the garden,” I hear the lady shout. I have to giggle. She thinks Bruno is an alien!

  Unsuspecting Bruno lifts his leg. The tinsel waves in the winter wind. If his fur wasn’t so matted, Bruno could be a photo model.

  But where is all the commotion and the blue light coming from?

  A police car stops next to the lantern and a police officer gets out. He sees Bruno, throws a sack over his head, and with the help of another policeman lifts him into the trunk of the police car. I hear a muffled “Wuff”. Then the trunk is shut. I think fast and jump into the police car. I crouch in the front and make myself as small as possible. The policeman doesn’t notice me. I hear Bruno barking in the trunk, but I don’t dare answer him. The handcuffs on the policeman’s belt twinkle silvery, just like the tinsel.

  December 11th

  What an adventure! The police took Bruno. Where are they taking him?

  How is he going to explain that he is Bruno and not an alien, and what is Soy going to do?

  Where am I? It’s so dark in here. Everything is shaking around me. I can hardly stay on my feet. Every once in a while it gets calm, but every time I hear a motor sound, it starts shaking again. How did all this happen?

  I remember taking my morning walk. Suddenly, at the lantern, someone pulled something over my head and picked me up. When that someone set me down again, I heard a metallic sound and a bang, just like the sound I hear when Daddy shuts his car trunk.

  I hear a man’s voice, “Ouch, stop the car!” interrupting my train of thought. Is that the man that picked me up?

  “Stop the car, fast! We have a cat on board! The awful thing bit me!”

  What did he say? Cat? Is Soy here, too?

  “Soy?” I call. Then I hear brakes squeak and I hit my head against something hard. A car door opens and I hear meowing that sounds just like Soy. Before I can call her again, the motor sounds get louder. I lay down so I don’t bump my head again.

  After a while, the sounds get quiet and the shaking stops. A lid opens. I can feel cool air. I am picked up again.

  In a room with light brown walls, someone pulls the sack from my head. It’s about time! It was getting stuffy in there. I pant loudly and fast to get fresh air back into my lungs.

  “He sounds dangerous. Maybe he wants to attack us!”

  “What planet is he from?”

  Standing behind the metal bars surrounding me, three men and a woman stare at me. What do they mean by ‘planet’? And why do I sound dangerous? All I’m doing is breathing!

  “Should I call the animal shelter?” a young policeman asks.

  “No, don’t. They probably only take earthly dogs, not aliens. We should call the CIA and send out a search warrant for the spaceship!” the man that was bitten in the leg says.

  Secret Service? Aliens? Spaceship? I don’t understand any of this.

  “I could take him home with me,” the policewoman suggests. She looks nice. I wag my tail.

  A gong sounds off.

  “We’ll talk about this after lunch!” says the oldest policeman. “For starters, put him in a cell!”

  December 12th

  The city is full of smells and noises. Especially during Christmas time. How colorful everything is.

  So many humans are out and about! But how is Soy ever going to find her way home?

  I bit the policeman in the leg because he kicked me with his foot. Then he threw me out of the car! Shameless.

  Good thing we cats always land on our paws. The police car took off with Bruno in it. I have to get home. I have to tell the humans what happened, but where is our house? I’ve never been in this part of the city. Let me sniff. We cats have very refined noses.

  Mmmm, a delicious smell drifts to my nose. There are four children standing at a booth. There is a young woman with dark-haired pigtails, a white apron and a red wool hat with pompoms standing at the booth. She is putting fragrant, golden brown rectangles on little white paper plates. The children call the rectangles ‘waffles’. The waffles steam when they are warm.

  One of the children smiles at me and gives me a little piece with whipped cream. Thank you!

  I would love to stay, but I have to be on my way.

  At the next stand, the grown-up humans are drinking a hot, dark, red fluid they call ‘mulled wine’ out of plastic cups. The smell prickles my nose. I hurry on!

  Climbing up onto the fountain at the market place, I sniff to all sides. Funny. Nothing smells like ‘home’. I can’t even smell Bruno‘s fluffy fur, which smells for miles in the wind!

  Right now my Mommy would tell me, “Ask your belly.”

  So I do just that. I ask, “Dear belly, how do I find home?”

  I can’t hear the answer because a group of humans start to trumpet a Christmas carol in front of the fountain. Frightened, I jump off the fountain and land in a baby carriage. The blanket is warm and cozy and the baby underneath the blanket smiles at me, but the lady that the baby and carriage belong to shoos me away.

  I run to the next house corner where the music can only be heard softly. In the meantime, my paws have become so cold that they hurt. “Dear belly, which way should I go?” I ask again.

  “Take a left at the drugstore,” I hear a voice in my head say. Was that my belly? Can it really talk?

  I walk to the drugstore and look around. I hear a woman’s voice say, “Kitty, sweety, what are you doing here? Come on, hop on!”

  It’s the neighbor lady that thought Bruno was an alien. I hop on her walker.

  “We will be home right away,” she says to me and starts pushing her walker.

  “Thank you, belly!” I whisper.

  December 13th

  A day at the police station is exciting. Especially if you’re the one that is locked up!

  Bruno’s new cellmate looks very dangerous, though. Will Bruno come out of this okay?

  I didn’t get any sleep all night and I am sooo hungry. Just water and bread – that’s all you get here in jail. Just great! This is almost like home. I can almost hear Soy’s voice saying, “Today is your meatless day!”

  I wonder what kitty is up to? She‘s probably happy that she can lay on my cuddle blanket with twice as much room - what am I saying, five times more room! - while I have to lay here on this hard, linoleum floor.

  Because I am bored, I chew on the silver strings in my fur. They taste like metal. Yuck! I pull the silver strings out with my teeth. It takes a while because they are stuck in my curly locks. At least I have something to do. How long will I have to stay here?r />
  The American Secret Service couldn’t look into my case because three UFO‘s have landed in the past few days. That’s why I have to stay here.

  This year Christmas really is odd.

  “Easy man, I‘m going already!” I hear a loud, hoarse voice. My cell door opens and a man with wild, black hair stumbles in. He is wearing a sleeveless t-shirt even though it’s the middle of winter. There are huge, spider web tattoos on both his arms.

  The man lets himself fall backwards onto the second cot. We eye each other.

  “You look cool man!” the man says. “Did you rob a bank, too?” He has several teeth missing.

  “Wuff,” I protest, which means, “No, not me”.

  “The bank teller was so scared he almost wet his pants.” His laugh is eerie. I pull my paws underneath my belly. “I taped his wrists and mouth shut and put my chewing gum in his nose. Ha ha ha! He couldn’t breathe!” the man continues. Just the idea gives me goose bumps and I shake myself. Silver strings rain out of my fur.

  The nice policewoman walks by. She stops and looks at me, surprised. “You’re not an alien! You’re…” She stoops down and looks into the depths of my locks to find my collar with my name and address written on it. “…BRUNO!” she exclaims.

  She picks up the phone.

  “Did he tell you where he hid the loot?” Daddy asks when he picks me up.

  “Wuff, wuff,” I say, which means, “For an especially big bone, I will tell you!”

  December 14th

  Bruno is back! Soy is soooo happy.

  The joy is not mutual because it’s Soy’s fault that Bruno had to spend the night in jail. Or how was that with the chicken and the egg? Which came fi rst?