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  I was thinking, Did she really just say that?

  Then she followed that with, “Now grab my breast and slightly pinch my left nipple.” My favorite was, “Now do me at a moderate pace.”

  I was wondering what happened to the sex goddess from the strip club. Twenty minutes of Sex Ed 101 went by and I finally reached my orgasm. We sat in the living room and talked, I realized she was actually a really cool chick and I wanted to continue hanging out with her despite the bad sex. We had sleepovers and continued to be friends for the next few months. One night she came to the club and I was on side stage with a friend of mine.

  He pointed to her and said, “See that hot chick over there? I fucked her a long time ago.”

  I said to him, “No you didn’t. I know her.”

  He said again, “I did fuck her!”

  I looked at him and said, “Bro, you don’t know her; she’s never even been in here before.”

  He insisted, “No, I fucked her. It was THE worst sex of my life! It was sooo bad, it made me think I was bad!”

  “Oh my god!” I said, “you DID fuck her!”

  The Christening

  Sometimes, for one reason or another it is necessary or appropriate to have sex in a motor vehicle. For instance, if you’re too far from home or if you meet someone who is quite the thrill seeker and wants to ram a vibrator in herself while riding on the back of a motorcycle on Interstate 635 at three a.m. On that note please remember the following stories were performed by trained stuntmen and should only be done on a closed-circuit track or a very dimly lit parking lot. And by trained stuntmen, I’m referring to myself.

  I’ve had motorcycles since I was a boy. And one thing that I always noticed is that chicks dig bikes. A sleek, shiny chromed-out sport bike or hog is an amazing fashion accessory. Could be the speed, the hint of danger or the vibration of the engine. But as sure as the Fonz always got a scream from the ladies, riding up on a two-wheeled sled will always turn a few heads. The first time I had sex on a motorcycle was when a friend of mine told me it was bad luck to have a bike with no name. And the only proper way to name one was to name it after the first girl you had sex with on it. Now I needed as much luck as I could get so that night I called up a girl I had been dating and told her about my situation and she said she would help me out. That night she came over for dinner.

  After watching a few episodes of Nip/Tuck I asked if she wanted to take a ride. My heart was racing. After a while of riding and enjoying the night I took her to a place I knew about from country back roading in my high school days. On eastbound I-20, about five miles past Terrell, Texas, there is a bridge over the highway that has no exits and can’t be accessed from the highway. That’s where we ended up. I pulled up right above where the cars from the interstate passed beneath. The night was dark and there were countless stars above. We watched the cars and big rigs fly by below. We made out for a bit and I decided it was time to get to it. I got behind her and started kissing her neck.

  The oncoming headlights briefly lit her face as each car passed. I grabbed her hands and placed them on the guardrail. She gripped it and I slid her pants down to her ankles and pulled her close so I could go down on her to get her dripping wet so my dick would slide in with ease. While on my knees I pulled it out and stroked it ’til it was nice and hard. I asked her to take her shirt off. Then I stood up and slid it in. My adrenaline was pumping as I pounded away, giving the truckers of the night a free show of her pretty face and perfect tits getting fucked hard. I took her and placed her on the fender of the bike. With my cock hard and fat, I slapped her clit, teasing her and making her beg for it. I put it back in and deep stroked her ’til we both came and my bike had a new name: The Allison.

  Chapter Four

  Sexcapades X-Rated

  Going out with a BANG!

  I worked with this guy who started off as a young nineteen-year-old blond waiter. I always remembered him because he had this habit of walking around with his arms kinda bowed out, as if he were trying to make himself look more muscular. He eventually began dancing before his first year ended. I watched him go from this young, innocent-looking kid to a dark-haired, goth-looking freak. I say freak because he got the reputation of doing freaky stuff with girls. Freaky stuff. He started doing the S&M act, which was perfect for him.

  One day, he needed me to play the part of Igor for his act. It was his last day. He knew he was going to quit but he didn’t tell anybody. I knew and maybe a couple of other guys who were his friends knew. He didn’t make a big deal out of it that he was quitting. His act had a chain hanging from the rafters and he manacled a girl to it with her arms up. He was dancing on her and freaking on her a bit, and then he brought out a French tickler, vibrator and dildo, which was a normal prop for his act.

  Then, this dude took hold of her skirt and pulled it down. This girl was smoking hot too and she didn’t even seem embarrassed! So, now she was standing there in her underwear in front of all these people. He grabbed the dildo and started rubbing it on her face and on her tits. He then started rubbing it on her panties. He did not even know this girl. This guy was nuts! Still rubbing it on her underwear, he got behind her and pulled her underwear aside and stuck the dildo inside her. He was now fucking her with it on main stage! On a Saturday night. Packed house! I was still on stage as Igor but now I was thinking, Fuck this! I’m not getting fired over this shit, and I walked off. The two owners were both in the back freaking out. They were yelling at me, “What the fuck is he doing?”

  I was like, “Dude, I don’t know!”

  They told me to go and stop him, and I asked, “How the fuck am I supposed to do that? It’s your club!”

  Neither owner was about to go out onstage, so the dancer was able to finish his set. He made a shitload of money! The girls packed the stage and didn’t run away and they ALL saw it. Women are freaks! He made his money, got off main stage, went straight to his locker and packed his shit and left. He had been in college all during the four or five years he was dancing and got a degree in mathematics and accounting. He was graduating and knew it was over. He had a job lined up working for a big oil company making close to a hundred grand. I still see him every once in a while when he pops back in the club to visit.

  Three-Way—The Wrong Way

  In my first few years of dancing, there was this girl who started coming into the Dallas club. I would see her every week. I always remembered her because she was one of those girls who just exuded sex. By that, I mean she just made you notice immediately and your mouth would just drool. Very animalistic. She was five-foot-nine, had natural DDs and an ass that was round! Not petite but full-figured in the best way possible! I still remember her walking by my stage the very first time. I wanted to mount her right then and there. Like I said, very animalistic!

  Maybe her second or third time in the club, she came to my stage and asked to get a table dance. She was wearing a short skirt so I was thinking, Oh yeah! I might have to let this dance last a little longer! I took her hand and led her to where we do table dances. She sat down and spread her legs, revealing her full bush. No panties! I mean, come on, that’s just not fair! She was a big girl. Big in a tall, voluptuous, had curves everywhere kind of way, and this bush was beautiful! My cock was at full attention now and I could easily have boned her right then and there but I chose not to. Instead, I devised a plan to have her go outside the front doors after the table dance and meet me in the back of the building where my truck was. She agreed and I rushed to get changed.

  I went out the back door and I could see her beautiful, full-figured frame from a distance. She was just so damn sexy! I could not wait to have hot, sweaty sex. As she was walking toward me, getting closer, suddenly I saw her take a nose dive into a huge pothole! There was a Chinese restaurant two spots down and the pothole was full of something rancid! I rushed to her to help her up. Immediately, I could smell this odor of really nasty sewage! She got it up her leg, on her skirt and her feet were soaked with it
. I was so horny that my cock started to think for me. Doesn’t stink that bad. I can still go through with this.

  She had a bit of a wounded pride but I made light of the situation and off to my truck we went. As soon as we climbed in and shut the doors, that sewage smell just engulfed the cab of my truck! I had just bought a new bottle of car air freshener and proceeded to use half the bottle. This girl was hot! After all the anticipation, I had to bone her or have the biggest case of blue balls. I parked the truck and we proceeded to start kissing. The smell was horrible but damn she was hot! I put my finger in her pussy and it was dripping wet! She pulled my cock out and started sucking with the softest lips. But I just couldn’t get that putrid smell out of my mind or nose! I basically rushed everything due to the smell and got back to the club. The smell stayed in my truck for weeks.

  A few weeks later, she came back in and we were set to hook up at her hotel after work. For some reason, I thought having my friend there would be fun! This would be the first time I ever had a three-way that was the wrong way! I had been in a three-way before but it was just me and two chicks! For some reason, I thought fucking this chick while my buddy fucked her too would be fun. I was wrong. Little did I know, he already had a game plan. I was new to this but he wasn’t. His philosophy was (and I only found this out years later) get it hard before the other guy does because he knows it becomes harder for the other guy to rise to the occasion, and hard mine was not! Although we stayed on opposite ends (I got head while he fucked her from behind) it just wasn’t happening for me. Every time I started to get it a little bit up, he would fuck her (doggie style) harder, making her stop sucking my cock, thus making my cock go back down. I mentioned to him about maybe going into the bathroom and letting me finish but he was like a pit bull mounting a chihuahua! That was definitely not an option for him. So I took my half-flaccid cock and went home feeling kind of defeated. I thought I could do it because there were always a few of the guys who have no problem with a three-way the wrong way and they always have funny or great stories.

  Fast forward to the present.

  My buddy had told us all a million times how to win at a three-way the wrong way and get rid of the other guy, but I never put two and two together until writing this story. That’s when I remembered all the times he told the guys how important it is to get the boner before the other guy so you can have the girl all to yourself. He also told us his trick of banging the girl so hard from behind that she can’t suck the other guy’s cock! When I wrote this story, it finally dawned on me that he used those very tricks on me. Lmao! Touché, buddy!

  Cardio Girl

  This girl later became known to the dancers as Cardio Girl. She earned it from the ability to have sex all night long. After all this, she called the club for a strip-o-gram two hours away. Taylor didn’t want to do it but when he found out it was Cardio Girl, he jumped in his truck and headed there as fast as he could. He just knew something freaky was about to go down. He got to her house and there were four girls eagerly waiting for him. The show started and everything was going great. He stripped for them all and could tell they were loosening up. It seemed like they were really getting into each other as well. After the show, he was chilling with them and they were getting drunker. The anticipation started to grow that an orgy was about to happen.

  Cardio Girl went upstairs with a couple of her friends and they all started making out. When they arrived at the top, Cardio Girl turned around and because she had drunk way too much, she started to throw up. Taylor jumped into action trying to sober her up as soon as possible. It just wasn’t going to happen though, and all the momentum of the party started to go the wrong way. Instead of a freaky sex party, Taylor was now looking at a two-hour drive with blue balls all the way back to Dallas.

  Pothole 2, Justin 0

  You would think that due to the hot girl taking a nosedive in that pothole, I would have memorized where it was. You would be wrong. A few weeks after the first incident, I was back there in the alley when I saw this hottie from high school. She was a promo girl for a beer company and I wanted to say hi. As I was half jogging toward her, I didn’t see that damn pothole and stepped right into it. That smell was so bad! I tried to play it off and act like it didn’t happen, but about two sentences into our conversation she said, “Oh my god, it smells like something died!” Immediately I said, “I’ll see you inside, I gotta get back onstage.” I ran back in and jumped in the shower with my boots still on to wash the smell off me before I had to go onto the stage but the smell just wouldn’t come off. Even as I got dressed in the locker room, the guys were complaining about the bad smell. Fortunately, they didn’t know it was me or my boots. I went on stage and anytime I got within five feet of any girl, her face soured and she quickly gave me the money and retreated. It was a pretty quick set.

  Cleveland Tour

  What I loved the most about dancing was being able to travel to different places, hang with my boys, be the party at a bad-ass show, then end the show with a party of our own. Let me explain to you by taking you with us on a road trip.

  It’s seven a.m., time to get up and get ready for the flight. This is not an easy task because most dancers don’t go to sleep until three or four a.m. at the earliest. The bags were packed the night before. All I have to do is make some coffee and jump in the shower. After the shower, I dress up. Not in a suit or in club attire. I dress comfortably for flying, cargo shorts and tank top in warm weather, jeans and shirt/coat in cold weather. It’s best to travel incognito because just walking through the airport with five muscled and good-looking guys makes it hard to not stand out, so less is more. I drink my coffee and a protein shake. Wait for the guys to get to my house and leave for the airport. I tell the guys thirty minutes earlier than actual so that they will not be late. Once they have arrived, we load up the truck and head to the airport.

  Getting through security with a bunch of male strippers and their props can be funny. We have had flashlights, chainsaws, wheelchairs, stumps, used tires, etc. either get confiscated or carried onboard the plane. Now, we have been through so many airports throughout the years that having the luxury to sit and chill at a Starbucks or some type of restaurant is always nice. Unfortunately, many times we are running through the airports as fast as we can to make our flight. Once on the plane, we relax and enjoy the down time. We listen to some music or read a magazine.

  We land. It’s time to get to the baggage claim. There, we will find our friend waiting for us. He is the one who set up the shows and is basically our boss for the next week. He also dances. He has set up five shows over the course of the next seven days. Each show will be in a different city and usually no farther than three hours from our home base, which is usually his house. From sports bar to nightclub to strip club, each night will be different. Part of the fun is the new faces and the new places. Every show is like a huge private party and we are the guests of honor. Oh, and there are only women at these parties. Sounds like fiction, huh? No, it’s real.

  We get to the host dancer’s house, unload and proceed to get ready for show number one. The first show is on a Sunday night at a sports bar. We get there and the place is already busy. The bar is not very wide but long. We are an hour early and already there are fifty women. This is a good sign because women typically are late and if you have that many women an hour early, you can expect at least two hundred women by the start of the show.

  We locate the dressing room and unload our stuff. We then head straight to the bar. A few early drinks always help to loosen up the guys and make it easier to slip into our game faces. I walk through the crowd and make eye contact with a few of the ladies. At this point, I’m scoping out a few things: who the hotties are, where the money is and who I should avoid. I avoid the negative and/or broke women. Sometimes, I will go out of my way just to see if I can make this type of girl have a good time but I know that every party has to have a pooper so that’s why she is there.

  Seriously, though, if you go
to see a group of male strippers perform, please do not be a bump on a log! Every performer in the world hates a negative Nelly! Be light, happy, upbeat, positive, and get into party mode. Life is all about perspective and all you have to do is choose to have a good time—and you will—even if the group of male dancers suck! It’s about ladies’ night and letting it all hang out. I can’t stress enough how important it is to de-stress your mind and body. We can help you with that.

  Here is where you make simple conversations with many different women and it pays dividends when the show starts. The women are there to see naked guys but they also want them to be approachable. I go in the back and we all draw numbers one through five to see where our dance spot will be in the rotation. I draw two. Not bad, three or four would be better but at least it’s not one. The guys all get ready for show time.

  The first guy up does a group act and I am part of his act. The bar is full now with just over two hundred screaming women. The adrenaline of the stage and the screams from the adoring women gets you all amped up and ready to put on a show. The women scream so loudly that we can barely hear the music. We love every second of it! I’m offstage now and the first dancer is taking his tips. I get ready for my turn in fifteen minutes. For this show, I decide to be a policeman. I get slightly oiled up and then dressed in my costume.

  My music comes on and it’s my turn! Here I go! The lights in the bar all turn down and my flashlight looks very bright as I walk through the crowd, stopping a few times to shine the light on a succulent pair of knockers! There are always plenty of those and the girl more than loves it when you point out her nice boobs. I already have a girl onstage sitting on a chair. I pretend frisk and arrest her before taking my clothes off to the loud screams of all the women. At this point, the hot chicks I spoke with earlier, they all are noticing the attention I am generating and now want to bask in my attention more than ever! My set is awesome! The hot seats up front were full until the end of my set. I work the crowd while the other dancers are performing.