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  The

  WORST-CASE SCENARIO

  Survival Handbook:

  GOLF

  The

  WORST-CASE SCENARIO

  Survival Handbook:

  GOLF

  By Joshua Piven, David Borgenicht, and James Grace

  Illustrations by Brenda Brown

  Copyright © 2002 by Quirk Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Worst-Case Scenario™ and The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook™ are trademarks of Quirk Productions, Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

  eISBN 978-0-8118-7354-3

  Illustrations by Brenda Brown

  A Book

  www.quirkproductions.com

  Visit www.worstcasescenarios.com

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, California 94107

  www.chroniclebooks.com

  WARNING

  When a dire situation is at hand, safe and sane alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case golfing scenarios presented in this book, we highly recommend—insist, actually—that you carefully evaluate the situation before you act; that you act responsibly and within the boundaries of the law and course rules; and that you attempt to consult a professionally trained expert, golf pro, or physician before placing yourself in harm’s way. However, because highly trained professionals may not always be available when the physical or mental well-being and safety of individuals is at risk, we have asked experts on various subjects to describe the techniques they might employ in these emergency situations on and off the course. THE PUBLISHER, THE AUTHORS, AND THE EXPERTS DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY from any harm or injury—physical or mental—that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not claim that the information contained herein is complete, safe, or accurate for your specific situations. Moreover, it should by no means be considered a substitute for your good judgment, skill, and common sense. And finally, nothing in this book should be construed or interpreted to infringe on the rights of other persons or entities, nor should it encourage you to violate criminal statutes or course rules: All activities described should be conducted in accordance with state and federal laws as well as the rules of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews. Breaking a club is one thing—breaking the law is another.

  —The Authors

  CONTENTS

  Foreword

  Introduction

  1 Bad Lies

  How to Retrieve a Ball Lost in the Washer

  How to Tee Off in Front of a Crowd

  How to Retrieve a Ball Stuck in a Tree

  How to Retrieve a Ball from a Gopher Hole

  How to Scale a Fence to Retrieve a Ball

  How to Play Out of a Water Trap

  How to Play Out of High Saw Grass

  How to Carom the Ball Off a Wall

  How to Thwart a Cheat

  The Lost Ball Routine

  Improving a Lie

  Reporting Fewer Strokes

  Playing Dumb

  Fake Handicap

  How to Stop Thinking about a Horrible Shot

  2 Equipment Disasters

  How to Stop a Runaway Cart

  If You Are in the Cart

  If You Are Not in the Cart

  How to Get a Cart Out of a Sand Trap

  How to Start a Dead Cart

  Starting Dead Gas Carts

  How to Putt with a Driver

  How to Drive with a Putter

  How to Keep Score without a Pencil

  How to Get a Club Out of a Tree

  How to Survive If You Run Out of Tees

  3 Dangerous Animals

  How to Deal with an Alligator Near Your Ball

  How to Deal with a Snake Near Your Ball

  How to Spot a Rabid Animal

  How to Remove a Tick

  How to Recognize Lyme Disease

  How to Survive a Bird Attack

  How to Survive If You Hit a Beehive

  If You Are Stung

  How to Avoid Being Stung

  How to Disarm an Irate Golfer

  How to Control Your Golf Rage

  4 Golfing Emergencies

  How to Prevent a Club from Flying Out of Your Hands

  How to Avoid Getting Hit by a Ball

  How to Survive Being Hit in the Goolies

  How to Carry an Injured Golfer

  If Alone

  If Accompanied by Another Person

  How to Treat a Sprained Ankle

  How to Treat a Blister

  How to Treat Poison Ivy, Poison Oak, and Poison Sumac

  How to Treat Sunburn

  How to Treat Heatstroke

  How to Avoid Dehydration

  How to Avoid Lightning

  How to Survive a Tornado

  How to Put Out a Cigar Brush Fire

  How to Avoid Starting a Fire

  How to Cure a Golf Addiction

  Appendix

  Rules and Regulations

  Too Many Clubs • Ball Hits Bird or Bird Catches Ball • Ball Lands in or near a Bird’s Nest • Using the Wrong Club • Using an Illegal Club or Equipment • Fallen Hat Moves Ball • Opponent Moves His Ball • Ball Lands in Manure • Using Putter Like a Pool Cue • Animal Steals Your Ball • Ball Lands on the Wrong Green • Ball Leaning against Flag Stick

  Fashion Emergencies

  Split Seam • Broken Shoelaces • Sunglasses That Won’t Stay On • Lost Glasses

  Gambler’s Guide

  Game Bets • Side Bets

  Glossary

  The Experts

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  FOREWORD

  My entire life has revolved around golf, in one form or another. It started when I was five. I hit my first shot on the course with my father during his regular Saturday morning game, continued playing through the collegiate and amateur ranks, and ultimately played 10 years as a touring professional. Throughout all these years, I’ve encountered more than my fair share of disasters on the golf course. Like all good disasters, most of these were unexpected—but ultimately they taught me quite a bit about myself and the game.

  SURVIVAL RULE #1: Watch where you’re driving.

  One year, my friends and I decided to enter a night tournament in Phoenix. We were all good players and thought that we would win most of the prizes easily. We were in our cart approaching the green on a par-3 late in the round—it was very dark—when the cart path suddenly split. Our partners went right, we went left. The next thing I knew, I was really wet. My partner and I burst out laughing. A hundred yards away, the members of the other cart were howling, too. Sure enough, we’d driven our carts into the greenside lake—and both carts were almost completely submerged. We didn’t win that tournament, but we had by far the best stories to tell at the awards party. Still, we weren’t invited back.

  SURVIVAL RULE #2: An eye for an eye only makes the whole tour blind.

  Physical confrontations are usually few and far between on the golf course. However, early in my career I played in a Nike Tour event in Santa Rosa, California. I was paired with a friendly acquaintance for the first two rounds of the event. We had been paired together a disproportionate number of times that particular season, and I guess we were just growing a little tired of each other.

  After he brought it home in 42 on the back nine to ruin a front nine 31, he signed his scorecard, approached me, and proceeded to antagonistically inform me that the lack of heart, talent, skill, and character he displayed on the back nine were all my fault. (In truth, some of it probably wa
s, because I wasn’t playing very inspired golf after a horrible front nine that left my clubs and my enthusiasm bruised and battered.)

  Not wanting to get fined or suspended by decking him right then and there, I calmly listened to him and politely disagreed with everything he said. I tried chalking it up to end-of-the-year weariness, but it festered in my mind all night, and I knew that the next day would be agonizing, because we were still paired together. So I decided something had to be done.

  On the driving range in the morning, I dropped my clubs, went over to him, and said, “If you have any intention of talking to me in that tone again, be prepared to settle it like a man.” I spent the rest of the day trying to antagonize him into starting a physical confrontation.

  In the end, we both played horribly, we both acted like children, and we both knew that our emotions cost us any chance of performing well in that tournament. To this day we’re still friends, but I hope I never have to play golf with him again.

  SURVIVAL RULE #3: When the weather gets rough, get going.

  During the first round of the 1991 US Open, I was on the golf course putting out on the sixth green as a storm produced some vicious lightning. In those days, we were still allowed to complete the hole we were playing even if play was suspended due to threatening weather—and we decided to do so. Once finished, we were herded into a school bus, and we heard the sirens of an ambulance. We later learned that a spectator was killed by a bolt of lightning. Later that same year, another spectator was killed at the PGA Championship in Indianapolis. The danger of lightning was now thoroughly understood by everyone in golf.

  Later in my career, I was among a group of three that actually terminated play for the entire field at a Nike Tour event in Shreveport, Louisiana. We felt in danger because of lightning, and decided to walk off the course. Our decision wasn’t overly popular with the rules officials, but we weren’t about to take any chances. You shouldn’t either.

  Golf has taught me many valuable lessons, and it has brought me many joys—but I still never know what’s awaiting me on the next hole. Expect the unexpected. And the next time you find yourself in a situation that you never dreamed possible, remember, I warned you.

  —Jerry Foltz, Tournament Player and Journalist

  When I’m on a golf course and it starts to

  rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron,

  ’cause I know even God can’t hit a one iron.

  —Lee Trevino

  They say that life is a lot like golf—don’t believe them.

  Golf is a lot more complicated.

  —Gardner Dickinson

  INTRODUCTION

  A triple bogey is the least of your problems!

  Even if you think your game is under control and you are spending most of your time on the fairway and greens, you’re at risk—the most dangerous sort of risk, because you think you are safe. But a round of golf can turn to nightmare in seconds: a bird suddenly attacks; a cart careens out of control; an alligator claims your ball. Even if you never have to disarm an angry golfer or extinguish a cigar brush fire—never need to stick your hand down a gopher hole, never hit a beehive, and never attempt to scale a fence to retrieve a wayward ball—you may face great peril on the links.

  Many of these dangers are physical: every year, one out of two golfers is injured during play. To be sure, most of these injuries are not life-threatening— but the odds of walking off the last green unscathed are about as good as a coin flip. Even worse, think about this fact: you are more likely to get hit by lightning during the round than to hit an absolutely perfect drive off the first tee. (Lee Trevino, the celebrated touring professional, has been hit by lightning twice.) And every year, countless golfers are hit by golf balls traveling up to 130 miles per hour. With more than 100 million golfers around the world each hitting an average of 100 shots per round (97 for men, 114 for women, according to the National Golf Foundation), it’s a wonder more of us haven’t been hit.

  Other perils are mental: you might worry about what club to use or which way the green breaks, but the really dangerous thing to worry about is worry itself. If you spend your time on and off the course worrying about your slice or your hook, becoming more and more aggravated over that bad shot and more and more obsessed with your game, you may hurt not only your playing, but your loved ones and livelihood as well— for these are the early signs of a golf addiction.

  Even if you manage to avoid the physical and psychological dangers of the game, the rules of golf alone can ensnare you, costing you a match, a tournament, or even worse, a bet.

  So we want you to be prepared for the worst golf has in store, no matter what the source.

  As in our earlier Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbooks, we have consulted a battalion of experts to help you survive the game, this time including golf pros, doctors, meteorologists, self-defense instructors, zoologists, and professional gamblers. The scenarios in this handbook are arranged into four chapters: playing out of difficult situations, dealing with equipment malfunctions, fending off dangerous creatures, and surviving a variety of other golf crises. We have also explained, throughout the book as well as in the appendix, how the official rules of golf apply to what you might encounter on the course, whether dangerous or just bizarre. The appendix also provides a handy glossary of golf slang, information on an assortment of fashion emergencies, and a guide to some of the more popular ways to wager on the golf course, should you feel lucky.

  This book may not help you improve your swing, but it just might keep you physically and mentally healthy enough to come back and play another day. Because you just never know what you will encounter between the tee and the green.

  So keep your head down, take a deep breath, and carry this book in your cart or bag. (Or keep it next to you on the couch when you watch golf on TV.)

  Forewarned is forearmed.

  —The Authors

  CHAPTER 1

  BAD LIES

  HOW TO RETRIEVE A BALL LOST IN THE WASHER

  There are two common types of ball washers. One has a vertical, central cylinder in which the ball is placed. This cylinder slides up and down on a rod surrounded by brushes and soapy water. The other common type of washer has a circular cylinder and a crank; the ball makes several rotations through brushes or a rubber squeegee and soapy water with one crank.

  VERTICAL BALL WASHER

  1 Use a stick or shoehorn to dislodge the ball.

  If the portion of the washer that slides up and down breaks off, the ball and cylinder may come to rest in the bottom of the bucket, out of reach of your fingers.

  2 Attempt to scoop the ball out of the broken cylinder.

  3 Use a screwdriver to disassemble the washer.

  If you are unable to pry the ball out, take apart the washer. If a screwdriver is not available, use a metal cleat tightener.

  4 If you are unable to take apart the washer, remove the washer from its mounting.

  The ball washer is usually attached to a post with a long screw or a cotter pin. Turn the washer upside-down.

  5 Shake your ball out of the washer.

  6 Reassemble the washer.

  CIRCULAR BALL WASHER

  1 Make a new crank.

  If the crank breaks off or the washer jams, use a wrench or pliers to fashion a new crank.

  2 Take apart the washer.

  If the improvised crank does not work, disassemble the washer (see steps 3 through 6, previous page).

  Be Aware

  • Greens keepers frown upon tampering with golf equipment. It may be better to simply use a new ball.

  • Golf etiquette dictates that you should not delay play. If you think it will require more than a few minutes to disassemble the ball washer, retrieve your ball, and reassemble the washer, keep moving instead.

  The Rule

  No penalty is assessed for a ball lost in the washer.

  HOW TO TEE OFF IN FRONT OF A CROWD

  1 Relax.

  Try to see the
first tee as any other shot in the round. Do not make significant changes in your tempo. Try not to rush any aspect of your pre-shot routine or swing. Ignore comments from the crowd waiting to play, or pressure from the starter to speed up.

  2 Warm up.

  Thoroughly stretch in whatever way increases blood flow to your body and feels good. Take as many practice swings as you need.

  3 Release the tension in your body.

  Identify where the tension is, consciously tighten that area of your body, and then consciously relax that area while noticing the difference. Take a deep breath—in through your nose and out through your mouth— before you hit.

  4 Be mindful.

  Tune in to your feelings prior to your first swing. Are you nervous? Anxious? Steeped in self-judgment? Be aware of these negative feelings and the consequences of them on your body. Recognize that these feelings often get in the way of your true golf swing and game. Replace those feelings with positive energy. Choose to feel competent and content. Remember a time when you played your best. Generate these thoughts until you are ready to hit the ball.

  5 Be confident about your abilities and expectations.

  If you hit the ball 200 yards 80 percent of the time, you will most likely hit the ball 200 yards this time. This does not mean that you should not strive for your personal best throughout the game. Recognize that the first tee is a starting point on which you are building a solid foundation for your day’s golf game.

  6 Select the club with which you feel most comfortable.

  This may not be your driver. Use a long iron or three wood if your driver is not your best club off the tee.

  7 Follow a routine for addressing the ball.

  Keep to an established pattern of how you walk up to the tee, how many practice swings you take, how you set your stance, and at what moment you start your swing. This routine is especially important on the first tee.