Not Everything Dies Read online

  “Come, my dear.”

  Ruxandra didn’t move. Fresh, cool air flowed down the steps and through the dungeon door, bringing scents so different from the blood and mold and filth filling the dungeon.

  Suddenly, Ruxandra was terrified.

  Elizabeth smiled, the serene expression a stark contrast to the two fear-filled faces of the guards on either side of the door.

  “It’s all right, Ruxandra. Come.”

  “Why now?” The words escaped Ruxandra’s lips before she could stop them. “Why let me out now?”

  “Because Kade told me what you did.” Elizabeth smiled. “You felt the hunger and controlled it. You kept the beast from escaping and you came back to yourself immediately after you drank.”

  “I don’t know if I can do it again.”

  “You will.” Elizabeth sounded so confident that Ruxandra believed her. “Now, come.”

  Ruxandra had to prepare herself to take the first step out of her cell. It felt wrong. Forbidden. Something she would be strapped for . . . like . . .

  Like who? Whose strap? Not Dorotyas’s . . .

  The feeling faded, and Ruxandra couldn’t bring it back.

  Ruxandra took another step forward. Part of her wanted to run, now that she was out of the cell, to be free and away from this dank place. She wanted to sprint out of the dungeon and up into the open air, feeling the strength of her limbs and the fullness of her power. She didn’t want to scare Elizabeth, though. Or panic the guards. She walked with a deliberate, even pace to the doorway.

  “Well done, Ruxandra.” Elizabeth cupped Ruxandra’s cheek for a moment. “Now follow me.”

  She went up the stairs, with Ruxandra dogging her heels. With every step, the stench of the dungeon faded, and the smells from outside grew stronger. Before they reached the top, Ruxandra counted ten separate human scents, and a dozen animals. She smelled burning wood and hot metal, meat cooking and bread baking. Wool, silk, perfume. It was a tapestry of scent, and she paused to appreciate it.

  Then Ruxandra followed Elizabeth out of the dungeon and into the night.

  It was cold, and snow lay in patches on the ground, but Ruxandra didn’t care. She passed Elizabeth and stood in the courtyard of the castle. The thick, gray stone of the castle walls rose high around them. Guards on the walls looked out to the world beyond. Above, a thin sliver of a moon hung on the purple and deep blue blanket of the night sky, surrounded by stars.

  Ruxandra stared at the sky in wonder. The distance was like mercy.

  The smell of hot metal filled her nose. Ruxandra ran around the little building beside the dungeon door and found an open-fronted space with a large pit of glowing coals in the middle of it.

  “The smithy.” Elizabeth stood beside her. “They make horseshoes.”

  Ruxandra nodded but didn’t stay to look more. She could smell animals. She ran to the middle of the courtyard, sniffed, and then ran to another building. She moved so fast that Elizabeth gasped behind her.

  “What’s this place?” Ruxandra asked.

  “It’s a stable,” Elizabeth called. “We keep horses in there.”

  Ruxandra heard the horses nickering and neighing sleepily to one another in the stable, and the sound of men snoring in the loft above it. She closed her eyes and listened. She heard the tread of the guards’ feet as they walked the castle walls, each a little different from his fellows. Somewhere in the castle, someone sang a lullaby to a crying girl. Somewhere else a man and a woman gasped together, their breaths coming short and fast, and the woman crying out softly.

  “Ruxandra!” Elizabeth called. “There will be plenty of time to explore later. For now, you need to come with me, please.”

  “Yes.” Ruxandra ran to her. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth—I mean, my lady. Kade said I should call you ‘my lady.’”

  “He’s right.” Elizabeth tucked Ruxandra’s arm in her own. “Whenever we are with other people, you must call me that. But when it’s only us, you may call me Elizabeth.”

  “Yes, Eli—” Ruxandra caught herself. “Yes, my lady.” I like calling her Elizabeth.

  “Now come.”

  She led Ruxandra across into the main hall. The few candles burning in their sconces flickered and danced. Tapestries covered the walls. Deeply etched carvings circled the stone pillars leading to the ceiling. The tiles created black-and-white patterns beneath her feet. At the far end of the hall, a dais held a pair of lavishly carved wooden chairs. Ruxandra stopped by them.

  “One was my husband’s,” Elizabeth said without slowing her pace. “He was an adulterer and a lecher, but he was a good ruler, so I keep his chair there, to remind the peasants whose wife I am.”

  She took Ruxandra out the door and through a dimly lit back hall. They went up three flights of stairs and down a short hallway to a heavy wooden door. Elizabeth took out a key, put it in the keyhole, and turned it. The lock clicked, and the door swung the slightest bit away from her. Ruxandra put her hand against it and pushed. It swung open, and Ruxandra’s eyes went wide at what was on the other side.

  The room was round, with shuttered, curtained windows on two sides. Tapestries hung on the whitewashed walls to ward off the winter chill. A tiny fire blazed in a small fireplace in the wall. A large bed with a chest at the foot of it took up most of the rest of the room. The tall bedposts held up a dark blue canopy above and curtains that closed around it to keep the sleeper warm.

  Beside the fireplace, a girl rose to her feet and curtsied. “Welcome, my lady.”

  She was short, yet too old to be called a child. Ruxandra guessed she was thirteen or so. She had mouse-brown hair and dark brown eyes. Her face was pretty and freckled. Small breasts sat high on her chest under a faded brown dress, belted with a rope above newly widening hips.

  She stank of fear.

  Elizabeth stepped into the room, ignoring the girl, as Ruxandra remained at the threshold. “Do you like it?”

  “It?” Ruxandra repeated, unable to take her eyes off the terrified girl. The girl stared back, her lower lip trembling.

  “The room,” Elizabeth said. “It’s yours.”

  “What about—”

  “Yours,” Elizabeth interrupted. “For as long as you stay here, which I hope will be a long time.”

  Ruxandra swallowed hard. “What if I get hungry?”

  Elizabeth pulled out a second key and handed it to Ruxandra. “This key opens your cell downstairs. From now on, it’s your larder. Whenever you are hungry, you may go to the dungeon. There will be a prisoner in the cell for you to eat.”

  “Oh.”

  Elizabeth leaned close and whispered in Ruxandra’s ear, “Of course, if it is too much, you can always feed on the girl.”

  Ruxandra looked to the girl, smelled the fear on her. Does she know what I am? Did Elizabeth tell her?

  “You are now properly my guest,” Elizabeth said. “You may come and go from the castle whenever you wish.”

  Ruxandra’s hand rose to her mouth of its own accord. She felt tears welling up the corners of her eyes. “Oh my, Elizabeth.”

  “Come in, silly.” Elizabeth took Ruxandra’s hand and pulled her in. She held on as Ruxandra looked around, taking it all in with wondering eyes.

  What mattered was that it was beautiful. Hers.

  “I don’t know what to say.” Ruxandra swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s so . . .”

  “Don’t say anything.” Elizabeth put her free hand on Ruxandra’s cheek again. Then she leaned close and kissed her on the forehead. The warmth of her lips sent a shiver through Ruxandra, setting off a storm of emotion. Elizabeth squeezed Ruxandra’s hand and stepped away.

  “I must go,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll see you tomorrow evening if that’s all right.”

  “Of course.” Ruxandra’s eyes roamed the room and fell once more on the girl. “My lady, who is she?”

  “The peasant?” Elizabeth’s lips twisted up into a smile. “She’s your servant. She will help you bathe and dress, an
d take care of your clothes and your room.”

  The girl bobbed down into a deep curtsy.

  “Kill her if you like,” Elizabeth said. “She’s easily replaceable. Do beat her tonight before anything else. Otherwise she’ll not know her place.” Her eyes sparkled. Ruxandra watched the play of light on her face, letting the words flow past.

  Elizabeth patted Ruxandra’s shoulder and left the room. Ruxandra watched her go a moment and then closed the door. She opened it again, to be sure she could. She squeezed the keys in her hand.

  It’s mine! I can leave anytime I want and lock it when I don’t want anyone else coming in! She turned a slow circle again, and her eyes fell once more upon the girl.

  Tears streamed down the girl’s face.

  “Please . . .” The girl’s entire body shook. She tried to curtsy, but her knees gave way, and she collapsed. Ruxandra reached out to help her, but the girl crawled forward and wrapped thin arms around Ruxandra’s legs. She pressed her wet face against Ruxandra’s dirty bare feet.

  “Please,” the girl whispered between sobs. “Please don’t kill me. I beg you. Please.”

  Ruxandra’s mouth fell open.

  “I’m a good servant!” The girl’s words tumbled out, fast and terrified. “I’ll take care of your clothes and help you dress and fix your hair. I’ll air out the bed every day, I’ll sweep the room, and I’ll fetch you whatever you ask. I swear I will. Please!”

  “All right!” Ruxandra pulled her feet away. “Please let go of me.”

  The girl scrambled away on her hands and knees until she hit the clothes chest.

  “I’m sorry!” Her voice was high with panic. “I’m so sorry, my lady. I didn’t mean to touch you without permission. Please don’t kill me. Please!”

  “I wasn’t going to—”

  “Beat me instead. Please! Just don’t kill me. Here.”

  The girl spun about and opened the chest. She fished inside and pulled out a thick leather belt. She ran to Ruxandra and pressed it into her hand. The girl ran back to the clothes chest and dragged it in front of Ruxandra. She grabbed the bottom hem of her dress and pulled it over her head. Then she bent over the rounded top of the chest.

  “Please, my lady,” the girl said, her voice now a whisper. “Please beat me. Don’t kill me.”

  Ruxandra looked at the belt in her hand. Then she looked at the bare skin of the young girl. Three angry red scars crossed her back. Two more marked her pale backside, the lines running diagonally across the skin. Another two crossed her legs.

  Ruxandra reached out and touched the lowest mark on the girl’s leg. The girl flinched and cried out as though she’d been hit. Ruxandra left her hand there until the girl’s muscles relaxed. She traced her fingers over the scar. The girl looked over her shoulder. Ruxandra moved her hand upward to the scars on the girl’s back and traced over them.

  “Did it hurt?” Ruxandra asked.

  The girl’s chin quivered. She swallowed hard.

  Ruxandra stepped back and pulled her shift off over her head.

  “Stand up,” she said.

  The girl rose from the chest, one thin arm crossing over her small breasts, the other dropping to cover her sex. Three scars crossed her belly as well. She was still shaking and didn’t look up. Ruxandra waited. Slowly the girl’s head lifted.

  “Oh!” The girl’s eyes went wide at the sight of thick white scars that covered Ruxandra’s body. Her hand went to her mouth. “Oh, my lady, what did they do to you?”

  Ruxandra looked down at the scars. They had faded even more since the bath. The angry red had turned white, as if she’d had them for many, many years. She ran a hand over the ones that cut through her breast. She remembered the fight, like she remembered all her time in the woods. She only wished she could remember the times before.

  “I got in a fight,” Ruxandra said. “With a bear.”

  “What?” She sounded so shocked it made Ruxandra laugh. The girl blushed and looked at the floor again.

  “It really, really hurt.” Ruxandra reached out and touched the scars on the girl’s belly. “Did it hurt?”

  The girl nodded, and fresh tears made her eyes shimmer in the light of the fire.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Jana, my lady.”

  Ruxandra stepped past Jana to the clothes chest. She opened it and looked in. Dresses, shirts, shifts, and scarves lay in neatly folded rows beside stockings and shoes. All of it felt alien to Ruxandra.

  As alien as the idea of beating someone.

  “I don’t hurt people for fun.” It was a realization, more than a statement. “And I won’t hurt you. Ever.” She felt a rush of relief, knowing who she was. What she would not do. “I promise.”

  Jana snuffled and wiped her tears. She then raised her eyes and smiled shyly at Ruxandra.

  Ruxandra smiled back.

  “I don’t know how to wear any of these,” Ruxandra said. “Can you show me?”

  “Of course, my lady!” Jana practically jumped. She stopped, clamping her arms over her chest and blushing bright red. “My lady, may I get dressed first?”

  It was past midnight when Ruxandra stole out of her room.

  She had tried on every piece of clothing in the chest. Jana patiently explained how to wear each one. She showed Ruxandra the clothes she could put on by herself, and the ones that required help. Toward the end Jana was yawning so wide Ruxandra could see down her throat. Now, the girl was sound asleep on the bed, curled up amid the pile of dresses and stockings.

  Ruxandra wore a blue dress that reached to her ankles over a pretty shift whose beaded collar showed through the neckline of the dress. She’d put a gray cloak over it. Jana assured her that it looked wonderful before she fell asleep.

  The outer clothing felt odd, but not as odd as the underwear. The shift she understood, but there were drawers that went under it, and stockings. It felt very peculiar—confining—having all that cloth against her skin. It felt stranger still having shoes on. She couldn’t sense the ground beneath her feet properly.

  Still, she was dressed as a person, now.

  Ruxandra explored the dark, silent hallways of the castle, peeking into all the unlocked rooms. She found Elizabeth’s chambers and listened at the door to Elizabeth’s deep, even breathing. With a smile on her lips, she found a room with a loom, a spindle, and piles of wool. She found another with chairs set around a big table. She peeked in on the kitchen, with its large fireplace, big tables, and sides of pork and beef hanging from the ceiling. She went out into the courtyard, then up onto the wall. The guards there watched her, but none came near.

  The castle stood atop a high hill, a road leading from its gates to the sleeping town below. A pale, thin layer of snow lay over everything, making it sparkle under the stars. Beyond that, the forest spread out, covering the hills and valleys beyond.

  It was beautiful.

  Ruxandra breathed in the cold air. She could smell all the scents of the castle, and the wood smoke from the town, and the crisp, cold snow. She could even smell the trees of the forest, each one, like people, like animals, a touch different from the others.

  She stayed there until the sky began to brighten and the first discomfort moved under her skin. Then she stole back through the castle to her room. She put her cloak over Jana to keep her warm and then slipped out of her clothing. Jana had shown her how to pull the curtains on the bed. Ruxandra shut them tight and slipped into the bed and beneath the covers. The soft warmth embraced her, and she was asleep in moments.

  She woke to a rapping on the door.

  “Welcome, my lady,” Jana said after opening the door.

  Ruxandra peeked through the bed curtains. The room was clean, with a fresh fire in the fireplace. Elizabeth stood in the doorway, Jana kneeling in front of her.

  “Dress your mistress and have her come down to the grand hall, please.” Elizabeth saw Ruxandra peeping through the curtain and smiled. “It’s time to begin her proper education.”
r />   JANA DRESSED RUXANDRA, her small hands deft at tugging and smoothing until the clothing fell right. She brushed her hair very gently, getting out the tiniest knots, and then brushed more to make it shine. After what seemed like too long to Ruxandra—though the girl’s ministrations were very pleasant—she declared her ready to go. Ruxandra thanked her and headed down. The sun was below the horizon, leaving the last traces of day to fade slowly to darkness.

  Elizabeth stood in front of the door to the great hall. She smiled at Ruxandra. “Welcome, my dear. You look quite lovely. A perfect young lady.”

  “Thank you. Jana helped me dress.”

  “Don’t learn their names, dear. It only makes it harder when the time comes.” Elizabeth reached forward, cupping Ruxandra’s cheek. Ruxandra leaned into it, enjoying the warmth of the woman’s flesh and the gentleness of her touch. She pushed Elizabeth’s words away. She would explain how she felt later.

  “You will be joining society soon,” Elizabeth said. “You must treat the peasants as peasants and learn how to act when among your equals, which is why we are here tonight.”

  She leaned in and kissed Ruxandra’s cheek. Ruxandra smiled. It didn’t matter whether she agreed with Elizabeth about everything. She was her friend. Elizabeth took Ruxandra’s hand.

  “None of the girls of my gymnaesium know what you are,” she said as they stepped into the hall. “As far as they are concerned, you are another pupil.”

  Fourteen girls stood silent, their breath making small clouds of frost in the cold hall. Dorotyas stood before them, her hands on her hips and her strap tucked into her belt. Some of the girls were nearly adults. Others looked no older than Jana. All wore gray dresses, their hair pulled back and tied with gray ribbons. They wore no jewelry; there was nothing of value on them. Several had gaunt, underfed faces, with sharp cheekbones. They stood in three straight lines with hands clasped in front and heads bowed.

  All smelled of fear.

  If they don’t know what I am, why are they afraid?