Can't Tie Me Down! Read online

  Oh, that’s not good. Mairi’s mind rushed over all the things she’d told the boys under the guise of ‘sage dating advice from a real woman.’ She felt the color drain from her face. Yeah, there were some things she maybe shouldn’t have told them.

  “What did you do?” Agnes did that toe-tapping thing again.

  “Nothing to worry about.” Mairi mentally crossed her fingers and thought of the most likely reason for the flowers. “I saw an article in Cosmo that I thought the boys would find helpful, and I passed it on to them.”

  “Which article, exactly?” Agnes’ toe was tapping faster now.

  “It’s no big deal. It was called ‘Top Ten Romantic Gestures for Men.’ See? Flowers are one of the gestures. That’s it.” Move along. Nothing to see here.

  It was clear they weren’t buying it.

  Keir considered the flowers. “What were the other nine?”

  Mairi chewed at her bottom lip while she thought about it. “Scented candles, chocolates, love notes, chivalrous gestures, meaningful songs, intimate dinners for two, foot rubs and grand gestures...” She trailed off, hoping they didn’t realize that she’d only listed nine in total.

  “Okay.” Agnes put her hands on her hips. “A few extra meals and some scented candles are okay. We can live with those. I’m a bit worried about the grand gestures, but honestly, how creative can a bunch of geeks get?”

  “Not so fast,” Keir said. “That was only nine. What’s the last one?”

  Mairi glared at him. He was not helping. “Why are you still here, anyway? Remember the rule? No entering our flat without an invitation.”

  “I invited him,” her traitor sister said, “now spit out number ten.”

  There was no avoiding Agnes’ determined glare. Mairi could feel her cheeks beginning to heat again, so she muttered the words, before turning back to the flowers. “Aren’t they gorgeous?” she said loudly.

  “I didn’t catch that,” Agnes said. “Don’t make me sit on you until you tell us properly.”

  “Fine!” Mairi threw herself back onto the sofa and folded her arms. “Number ten was ‘the gift that keeps on giving.’”

  “And that is?” Agnes said through gritted teeth, which was a sure sign that violence was about to occur.

  “Oh hell.” Mairi let out a breath. “Cosmo said that a cheeky gift would be welcomed after the couple got to know each other a little.”

  “I am this close to sitting on you and torturing you until you spit the damn thing out.” Agnes took a step toward her.

  “Don’t! It’s sex toys. Okay? Happy now?”

  Agnes gaped at her.

  Keir groaned. “They’re going to send you sex toys?”

  “Only if we get to that stage.” Mairi looked at the flowers. “Toys were number ten on the list. And let’s face it, where would they get them around here? You need to be realistic. You can order flowers to be delivered, maybe even chocolate, but sex toys? I don’t think we need to worry.”

  Agnes pinched the bridge of her nose. “Have you told the men this is all a mistake?”

  “Not exactly. First, I called Isobel, only to find out that Callum has taken her and the kids to Disneyland Paris, as a honeymoon treat—although, seeing as they haven’t had a wedding, I’m not sure you can call it a honeymoon.”

  They glared at her with clear impatience.

  “Moving on,” Mairi said. “I didn’t feel right asking to speak to their company hacker, so instead, I spent the day trying to get onto my web page myself. Turns out I have no hacking skills and the site is still locked down tight.

  “After that, I spent some time trying to post a rebuttal on the fake Mairi’s Wedding Facebook page, but I’ve been banned. I created another identity so I could post under that, but whoever was running the page realized it was me and banned that one too. So, then I started my own Facebook page, called Mairi Will Never Get Married, and posted a rebuttal on there. Unfortunately, nobody knows the page exists, so I don’t think the guys have seen my message.”

  Keir and Agnes just stared at her, and there was a couple of minutes of awkward silence.

  “It’s a miracle you can walk and talk at the same time,” Agnes said, with a shake of her head.

  Mairi ignored her. “Oh, and when Donna left, she told some of the guys that they shouldn’t be here. So, word did start to get out about this being a mistake.”

  Keir did that snorting thing that was supposed to be taken as a mocking laugh. Instead, all it did was remind her that all men were pigs.

  “You can leave now,” Mairi told him. “Thanks for the delivery.”

  He smirked at her, and Mairi felt her irritation rise. Keir was good at that. Around him, she was always annoyed.

  “Donna told them to leave?” Agnes said. “Our sister Donna? The sister who was so worried she’d hurt the feelings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses who turned up on her doorstep, that she ended up spending a weekend at a religious retreat? The same sister who is a member of the Bacon of the Month Club, because she couldn’t say no to the telemarketer, even though she’s vegetarian? The woman who works at a job she didn’t apply for, and isn’t qualified for, because she turned up at the owner’s house at the wrong time, and he told her the job was hers? That sister told your men to leave town?”

  “You get tiny wee lines between your eyebrows when you’re being sarcastic.” Mairi pointed at Agnes’ face. “Now that you’re thirty, you might want to watch that.” The lines deepened, and Mairi shook her head. “Fine, don’t take my advice, but I hear lines are easier to avoid getting than they are to get rid of.”

  Agnes made a low growling sound that would have been scary if Mairi hadn’t heard it all before. Agnes took a step toward Mairi, but Keir’s hand snapped out to restrain her.

  “You know,” he said to Mairi, “my offer to help still stands. We can be married in the morning.”

  She blinked at him. He was the burr under her saddle. The pebble in her shoe. The thorn in her side. Why he’d come back to Arness, she really didn’t know. It wasn’t like there was enough business to keep him here. His garage only survived because he gave a discount for cars sent to him from Campbeltown. It would be so much better for them both if he moved himself, and his garage, over there.

  “I have a plan,” Mairi told Agnes, ignoring the groan she got in reply. “I’m going to hold a meeting, with a whiteboard and bullet points. These guys understand bullet points. I’m going to list all the reasons why I don’t want to get married and make it clear that this is the sick hoax of a bored hacker. All I need is a hall for the meeting, and a whiteboard.”

  Keir leaned a shoulder against the wall, his ankles crossed, and his hands in his jeans pockets. He was amused. Which was really annoying, because she wasn’t being funny. Agnes let out another growl, stomped to the living room window and threw it wide open. She put her fingers to her lips and let out a shrill whistle. Silence descended over Arness’ main street.

  “Get over here,” she shouted. “Mairi has an announcement.”

  Mairi grabbed her sister’s suit jacket and tried to pull her away from the window. “What are you doing? I don’t even have a whiteboard.”

  The look Agnes gave her made her think that her sister was considering throwing her out of the window, as a sacrifice to the hordes.

  “Fine. I’ll talk. But this isn’t going to go well without visual aids.” Mairi knew her men. They needed diagrams.

  She heard murmuring and shuffling from the street below and peeked out from behind the curtain. Sure enough, the men were gathering, just as Agnes had ordered them to. She had a gift for bossing people around. Mairi had long thought it was because in Agnes’ head there wasn’t even a sliver of doubt that she was in charge.

  “Get on with it,” Agnes snapped.

  “I’m thinking,” Mairi snapped back.

  She heard a deep chuckle behind her and chose to ignore Keir. Once she’d dealt with the boyfriends, she’d deal with him.

  “Okay.�
� She took a deep breath, plastered a smile on her face and stepped in front of the open window.

  There was a cheer and a round of applause. Mairi grinned at the familiar faces and waved. She felt like a celebrity. Or royalty. It was actually kind of cool.

  “Stop playing to the crowd,” Agnes snapped. “Tell them this is all a mistake.”

  Mairi cleared her throat, motioned for silence, and was surprised when she got it. “There’s been a mistake,” she shouted so that everyone could hear. “My web page was hacked. Someone else wrote the message about me wanting to get married. It’s all a lie. I don’t want to get married. You can all go home now.”

  There was silence, and then they started chuckling. Mairi frowned at them. “I’m serious. I’m not getting married. I don’t want a husband. This is all a mistake.”

  “We read your Facebook posts, Mairi. You told us there that you’d say this if you weren’t impressed by our efforts to woo you,” somebody shouted. “We know this is a ploy to weed out the boyfriends who aren’t serious.”

  Mairi squinted in the direction of the voice. “John?”

  “Hi, Mairi,” he shouted back.

  She took a second to let it sink in that the guy had come all the way from Australia for this fiasco.

  “I have nothing to do with that Facebook page. It’s run by the same person who hacked me. You need to trust what I’m saying and go home.”

  There was more laughter.

  “I’m being serious,” she shouted, feeling frustrated. She turned to Agnes. “They don’t believe me. I told you this would happen. I need a whiteboard.”

  “Get out of my way.” Agnes pushed her aside. “Listen up,” she shouted. “You need to go home. Mairi was hacked. She won’t be marrying any of you.”

  “Don’t worry,” somebody shouted, “we’ll step up our game. You’ll be impressed with what we have planned. Isn’t that right, lads?”

  There was a loud cheer.

  “You know,” Keir said, “I can stop this in a split second. All you have to do is agree to marry me.”

  “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye,” Mairi told him, as the men outside began to chant her name.

  Agnes gave up and slammed the window shut, then pulled the curtains tight. “I always wondered what mass hysteria looked like. Now I know.”

  “I told you they wouldn’t listen,” Mairi said. “They need proof.”

  “And how are you going to give them proof?” Agnes demanded.

  “I haven’t figured that part out yet. I only got as far as bullet points.”

  There was a noise at the front door, and they turned to see a piece of paper slip under it. Keir shook his head before bending to pick it up. And yes, Mairi checked out his backside. It wasn’t like she could help it. It was right there, blocking her view of the door.

  Keir unfolded the paper and read aloud. “‘Roses are red, violets are blue, my dearest Mairi, please say “I do.” Signed, Kevin Partridge, PhD.’” Keir’s lips twitched, and his eyes sparkled as he looked at her. “I’m guessing the PhD isn’t in poetry.”

  “Give me that.” Mairi snatched it from his hand.

  “We need to call the police,” Agnes said. “Have them get rid of the guys.”

  “They won’t,” Keir said. “Edna at the shop is happy to have them here, and she gave permission for them to camp on her land. They aren’t breaking any laws or causing any trouble. The police can’t do anything. But I can.” He started humming the ‘Wedding March’, and Mairi’s fist actually tingled at the thought of thumping him in the stomach. Although the blow would probably cause more damage to her hand than to his abs.

  “This is serious,” Agnes said. “I have to go to Glasgow this evening, to sit exams tomorrow. I’ll be gone all week. I can’t leave you here to deal with this alone. What if one of them takes things too far? How do we know you’ll be safe here?” She nodded, as though coming to a decision. “You need to come with me.”

  “No!” The last thing Mairi wanted was to share a tiny room in the university halls of residence with Agnes during exam time. Apart from the fact she’d likely kill her sister if they were living in such close quarters, these exams were important. Agnes had been working toward this for ten years. Mairi wasn’t going to blow it for her. “I’ll be fine here, and I promised Gladys I’d take her to her chemo appointment tomorrow. Don’t worry. I know these guys. They’re harmless.”

  “You don’t know them,” Agnes said. “You know their online personas. You don’t know anything about them in real life. What if one of them is violent? Or can’t take no for an answer? It isn’t safe. I’m sure Gladys will understand if you don’t make it this time.”

  “It’s her last appointment. I can’t miss it because there’s a bunch of harmless guys parked outside our door.”

  “Harmless? You don’t know that. You only know what they show you online. We’re isolated here. We don’t even have any neighbors to rely on. The garage is empty all night, and the shop over the road shuts at eight. The nearest person to hear you scream is Old Man McIntosh, and he’s deaf as a post. No, if they aren’t going to leave, you need to come to Glasgow with me. It’s the safest thing to do.”

  Mairi opened her mouth to argue, because she would rather walk barefoot on Lego than go with her sister, but Keir beat her to it.

  “I can stay here and watch her while you’re gone.”

  Mairi’s eyes snapped to his face in time to see a slow, wicked smile appear.

  “Thank you, Keir, that’s a weight off my mind,” Agnes said at the same time as Mairi screamed, “Hell no!”

  Keir just looked smug.

  Chapter 4

  “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve,” Mairi said. “But whatever it is, it isn’t going to happen. You should go home. I don’t need, or want, you here.”

  “Thanks for clearing that up.” Keir dumped his overnight bag on the end of the single bed that Agnes used. “I promised Agnes I’d stay to watch your back, and that’s what I’m doing.”

  The sisters shared the only bedroom in the tiny flat. At one point they’d painted the walls lavender and changed the old brown curtains for cream ones. The carpet was still the brown and orange swirling-vomit pattern it had been when Keir bought the building. It had never occurred to him to change it, and the sisters had never asked him to. Now, looking at the hideous thing, he wondered exactly how old it was and how many generations of dust were firmly embedded in its pile. He hoped like hell Mairi didn’t walk around in her bare feet on that health hazard, and he made a mental note to get new carpet for the rental.

  “Agnes isn’t here,” Mairi snapped. “She won’t know either way if you stay or not. Why don’t you do us both a favor and go home?”

  “Because,” Keir said, “Agnes was right. Somebody needs to watch over you. There are more than twenty men out there, all fixated on you. You can’t stay here alone.”

  “They aren’t fixated on me.” She stomped to the window, threw back the curtain, and opened it wide. Music poured in. “You hear that? They’re on the second verse of ‘Star Trekkin’.’ They’re having a campout. They’re probably sitting around their campfire, telling horror stories—like the time they were forced to use Firefox instead of their usual web browser, or the day Apple was late releasing a new product. They don’t care about me. I’m perfectly safe here alone.”

  “You aren’t safe. You’re delusional. And I’m fed up arguing. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. Here.” He pointed at Agnes’ faded pink duvet set, which looked like a holdover from her childhood.

  “A gentleman would sleep on the couch.”

  Keir snorted. “Maybe if he was four feet tall, he would. And we both know I’m no gentleman. Now, if we’re done here, I’m going to turn in.” He grasped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

  He heard Mairi’s sharp intake of air and glanced over at her. She was gaping at him, but snapped her mouth closed when she realized he was watching.


  “What are you doing? Put your shirt back on. Nobody wants to see that.” She pointed at his abs. The abs he kept in pristine condition, for the sole purpose of taunting her with them as soon as the sun came out and his shirt came off.

  Keir smiled knowingly and folded his arms over his chest, making sure that his triceps bulged nicely, and his abs were tucked in tight. “Are you worried you won’t be able to resist me, gorgeous?”

  “As if! I’m worried the sight will scar me for life.”

  “Sure you are.” With his eyes still on hers, he flicked open the top button of his jeans.

  A gorgeous pink flush swept up her throat to her cheeks, and Keir remembered a time when he’d followed the path of that flush with his lips. Her eyes jumped from his jeans to his face.

  “You’d better not be thinking you’re sleeping nude.”

  “Rusty, you know I always sleep nude.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t call me that. There will be no nudity in this room. If you want to sleep nude, go home and do it there.”

  “Chicken,” he taunted, earning a scowl. “But, just for you, I’ll keep my shorts on.” He flicked the second button open.

  The flush on her face deepened. “Keep your jeans on too.”

  “No can do.” He opened another button. “I can’t sleep in my jeans. That kind of constraint could seriously damage my chances of becoming a father. But you can always sleep on the couch if you think sharing a room with me is too much temptation.”

  “Temptation? To do what? Smother you while you sleep? Aye, that’s a serious temptation.” She forced a laugh, but it sounded strangled.

  “Well.” Keir ran his hand over his six-pack, and down to the last button on his well-worn Levi’s. “In that case, there’s no need for me to sleep in my jeans.” He kept his fingers on the button as he toed off his sneakers.

  Mairi’s eyes were riveted to his hands. It felt like the room was holding its breath.

  Keir popped the button, hooked his thumbs into the waist of his jeans and pushed them over his hips. He almost groaned when Mairi pulled her bottom lip into her mouth to nibble at it. Her cheeks had to be burning by now, and her eyes were dark. He kicked the jeans off and snatched them from the floor. It was a dumb move, because all it did was break his spell over Mairi.